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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

248 replies

Rainflows · 19/08/2022 11:39

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

OP posts:
RethinkingLife · 19/08/2022 13:36

This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially)

It seems it's possible for you to book in to a venue where you know that you can eat or arrange to meet the couple there.

Your DH's plan is not workable for you and would embarrass your guests. It sounds like he'll be in a strop whatever happens so it may as well be for a decent meal.

Almondsandraisins · 19/08/2022 13:36

MummyJ36 · 19/08/2022 13:32

Can you not explain to your relatives the issue? It doesn’t sound like they’re dictating where you go for dinner so suggest going somewhere where you can actually eat. You really really need to push back with your DH. He is being incredibly unreasonable and unfair. If he insists on this place I’d insist he calls them in advance to ask if you can bring your own food because of the allergies or ask if they can make you something special. If he’s insisting on this restaurant then it’s his problem to resolve how you eat.

Thats not really a solution when the last time the DH made it his problem to resolve how the OP could eat he just let her go without food

Rowen32 · 19/08/2022 13:38

Also, the comments about formula feeding are really beside the point and taking focus away from what it needs to be on which is the dreadful way OP is being treated

Thornethorn · 19/08/2022 13:39

His fixation with people pleasing and the contrast between this and the way he treats you makes me think he's probably a narcissist.

pictish · 19/08/2022 13:40

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 13:26

You'd agree to go somewhere where you could only eat Houmous and Olives?

Show quote history

Yeah. It wouldn’t bother me. I’d eat before or after the meal if I was worried about being hungry.

Wombat100 · 19/08/2022 13:40

He sounds vile. If my husband had said it was fine for me not to eat/that I couldn’t order a takeaway and then proceeded to have dinner himself I would’ve shoved it up his sorrry arse.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 19/08/2022 13:42

I'm really shocked by this. He's insisting you go somewhere where his breast-feeding wife won't be able to eat? and he ate dinner and let you go hungry?

is he always this fucking selfish and uncaring?!

5YearsLeft · 19/08/2022 13:42

Rainflows · 19/08/2022 13:28

It’s a dairy and gluten allergy and an Italian chain.

We got the HelloFresh on an introductory offer so it only cost £17 for five meals for the two of us (and there’s usually enough for DS from that too) so I’m really not wasting money.

We can’t cook at home for them because they’d have to come far off their route to get to our house. They can’t contribute financially. They’re quite elderly and their sole bank account has had fraudulent transactions and been blocked by the bank so they only have a small amount of cash to access until it’s resolved. They’re using that almost entirely for fuel to get to his daughter’s wedding tomorrow (which is a long journey). They’re really not at fault here and are usually very generous. I know if we don’t buy them lunch then they’d simply not eat.

None of this matters.

None of this is the important part.

What matters is: you have the money to go to ANY restaurant (according to you), but your husband makes you feel you cannot access it and you cannot eat. He has already forced you to go without a meal in your own house when you had money to have a meal.

This is abuse. You are being abused. Your relatives’ situation doesn’t matter. What happened or didn’t happen to the Hello Fresh box doesn’t matter. Your husband is financially abusing you. Your husband doesn’t care if you starve while he eats. Please, OP, call Womens Aid. Get help.

If he wants to get help for his anxiety about not having money when you do, he can do that separately, while you’re not with him, while you’re somewhere safe and fed every day, and you can maybe rebuild your marriage once he’s mentally well, IF you want. But this isn’t okay.

pictish · 19/08/2022 13:42

Almondsandraisins · 19/08/2022 13:31

You would agree when breastfeeding a small baby to go somewhere where you can only eat olives and hummus despite the fact that you can afford to go somewhere where you can eat a proper meal?

The OP sounds like she is in an abusive relationship. Just because you would martyr yourself for the sake of everyone else doesn't make it okay to encourage her to think this is normal.

Show quote history

I’m not a martyr. I’m just not that fussed about a meal out.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 13:43

pictish · 19/08/2022 13:40

Yeah. It wouldn’t bother me. I’d eat before or after the meal if I was worried about being hungry.

Show quote history

And what about the OPs second post, you'd be happy to sit there and watch your husband eat dinner while he bans you from ordering food you can eat?

Italiangreyhound · 19/08/2022 13:43

This sounds very difficult for you. Tell DH to get over himself.

I was very alarmed to read.... "So, he ate dinner and I didn’t. I did express to him then that I was really hurt that he didn’t seem to care at all that I wasn’t eating. Later on, he did say that he was sorry and accepted that he was wrong but, by then, all the takeaways had closed. I have a massive oversupply of milk so this isn’t impacting DD or breastfeeding though."

It may in be impacting your DD but it is impacting you. In your shoes I really would worry less about the relatives and address the issues you have with your dh. So sorry.

Rowen32 · 19/08/2022 13:43

@pictish
That's a ridiculous comment, hummus and olives isn't a meal for a postpartum mother, she doesn't need to matyr herself..

Rowen32 · 19/08/2022 13:45

*martyr

NumericalBlock · 19/08/2022 13:46

LittleOwl153 · 19/08/2022 12:12

I'd remove his access to the gift card, and tell him he is not using it and you are not going to said restaurant thus nor is your daughter.

If its his relatives he can explain to them that he is too tight to fund his wife actually eating, if its yours go without him and do what you want/need for baby!

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available.

For this comment DH is a twat. Not only is he denying YOU a meal that he plans to enjoy he is also setting up a VERY POOR attitude towards your daughter and an allergy she may have to live with for the rest of her life! People with allergies do have difficulties eating out - but it is not impossible. Don't let him set this precident that you/your daughter eating doesn't matter.

Exactly this. Allergies are shit, but many places are more accommodating these days. He needs to get his act together or his kid will miss out constantly, they already miss out enough when they have allergies.

Fenella123 · 19/08/2022 13:48

Well... If he's ok with you eating just olives and hummus, presumably he'd be more than OK with going somewhere you - a breastfeeding mother - can eat a proper meal, and saving money by him only eating a starter himself (white lie "tummy upset yesterday")?
Alternatively he could cook you a proper meal to eat in the car on the way to the restaurant so you don't care you're just eating olives and hummus because you're full.

But yes, sounds like he's being daft and needs to be sat down with your bank balance, old statements, and a budget.
A great book is Steve Peter's "The Chimp Paradox", and one big thing I got from that is, let people really be HEARD, let them talk themselves out, because only then, when they truly feel you've listened and "got" their POV, will they calm down enough to listen to YOU. So really let him talk it out first, pause for it to sink in, and then think, "Okay, do we still have a problem here?" Because when people listen in good faith, sometimes the other party changes talks themselves round...

Midlifemusings · 19/08/2022 13:48

Why didn't you order a food shop? I am not clear on the situation but you got to the point that the only food in the house you could eat was in an opened Hello Fresh box? Why are there no staples in the fridge or cupboards to have?

Something about this all is very odd. You can't order or buy anything yourself - only your DH has access to money? You can't even shop for groceries? You have money but the cupboards and fridge are completely bare with not a thing to eat?

I agree with the others that your issue is much bigger than this restaurant - you have no access to money or food and are going hungry, and 100% reliant on your husband to eat and he has left the house bare with no food for you. Do you have family you can call to get you and the kids out?

pictish · 19/08/2022 13:49

If there was a voucher or a gift card to lower the cost available, I’d think it a good opportunity to cut the cost of the event. I’d be happy enough chatting and picking at olives.
Sorry if that’s an unpopular opinion.

Italiangreyhound · 19/08/2022 13:49

I agree with this from 5YearsLeft - OP....

"None of this matters.
None of this is the important part.
What matters is: you have the money to go to ANY restaurant (according to you), but your husband makes you feel you cannot access it and you cannot eat. He has already forced you to go without a meal in your own house when you had money to have a meal.
This is abuse. You are being abused. Your relatives’ situation doesn’t matter. What happened or didn’t happen to the Hello Fresh box doesn’t matter. Your husband is financially abusing you. Your husband doesn’t care if you starve while he eats. Please, OP, call Womens Aid. Get help.
If he wants to get help for his anxiety about not having money when you do, he can do that separately, while you’re not with him, while you’re somewhere safe and fed every day, and you can maybe rebuild your marriage once he’s mentally well, IF you want. But this isn’t okay."

pictish · 19/08/2022 13:50

Rowen32 · 19/08/2022 13:43

@pictish
That's a ridiculous comment, hummus and olives isn't a meal for a postpartum mother, she doesn't need to matyr herself..

Like I said, I’d eat earlier or later. Stop making a drama out of a crisis. No one is forcing her to starve.

Heronwatcher · 19/08/2022 13:50

OP sorry if you’re in a baby bubble, but there are red flags all over the place here. Really not normal for anyone to exercise this level of control and not normal for you to accept it. There is no world in which I wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow and ordered a takeaway/ booked a restaurant and paid for it myself. Please tell me that some of your wages are being paid into your own account where you can use them yourself without him picking over every purchase? If not get some funds paid into an account/ moved into an account today.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2022 13:51

pictish · 19/08/2022 13:49

If there was a voucher or a gift card to lower the cost available, I’d think it a good opportunity to cut the cost of the event. I’d be happy enough chatting and picking at olives.
Sorry if that’s an unpopular opinion.

Would you be happy with it if he was still having a full meal or would you expect him to watch the cost of his order too?

Almondsandraisins · 19/08/2022 13:52

pictish · 19/08/2022 13:42

I’m not a martyr. I’m just not that fussed about a meal out.

Show quote history

Oh well so long as you aren't fussed about eating out its fine to shrug off the fact the OP is being abused 🙄

Pallisers · 19/08/2022 13:53

DH could eat in the fridge but nothing I could have. He said we couldn’t afford a takeaway and our local shop would’ve been closed by the time he got there (closes at 9 but won’t let anyone in after 8.45). So, he ate dinner and I didn’t. I did express to him then that I was really hurt that he didn’t seem to care at all that I wasn’t eating. Later on, he did say that he was sorry and accepted that he was wrong but, by then, all the takeaways had closed.

I don't think you are treating this as seriously as you should. One month after birth, while breastfeeding, your husband refused to get you dinner (I presume you needed him to collect the takeaway?) and ate in front of you while you went hungry. This is a very big deal. Especially since he is happy to do it all again this weekend. You are supposed to want your spouse to be happy but if that is a stretch adequately fed would seem to be the bare minimum.

Book a restaurant you want and tell him you are paying for it. If he refuses to drive you, call your mother or a friend and tell her in front of him what he is doing. And tell her about the instance of him refusing to get you dinner too. I think you have bigger problems than this one meal with your relatives.

Heronwatcher · 19/08/2022 13:53

pictish · 19/08/2022 13:49

If there was a voucher or a gift card to lower the cost available, I’d think it a good opportunity to cut the cost of the event. I’d be happy enough chatting and picking at olives.
Sorry if that’s an unpopular opinion.

This completely misses the point- OP doesn’t want to do this, and she has money to go somewhere else- so why should she be forced to do so (irrespective of the fact that she’s breastfeeding an infant). Very different to a situation where the OP has agreed or suggested the idea themselves.

pictish · 19/08/2022 13:54

girlmom21 · 19/08/2022 13:51

Would you be happy with it if he was still having a full meal or would you expect him to watch the cost of his order too?

Show quote history

No of course I wouldn’t. Circumstances are what they are regarding breastfeeding, I’d be happy to see everyone else enjoying their meal. It’s not the Last Supper or anything. Chill out.