AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

[Rainflows]

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

What is the allergy?

Why on earth are you going out and paying or others if you can't afford it

So you are feeding your baby but don't warrant any consideration?
I'd have been raging if he ate dinner and left me with nothing.
He's a total wanker. He should be nurturing and cherishing you not making life harder.
FWIW when DH went back to work and I was BF he made sure my tray of drinks and snacks was full so if it was a tricky day at least I ate and drank.
I cannot believe your DH is so horrid.

Jesus he didn't make sure his month post birth breast feeding wife had some dinner. Why are you with this horrible man

OP your second post on this thread is outrageous, why does he get the final say on this anyway? Why couldn't you have just phoned the take away in yourself. Denying his wife who is breast feeding his child nutrition she needs is horrific

This is dreadful. Your not so "d" h needs to get his head screwed on.

It is not ok for you to go hungry. AT ANY TIME!

She clearly says that they can afford it though (and that her relatives have paid for them in the past)

Could she be formula fed? Seems like you're going to be really restricted in what you can eat otherwise?

Your family would be more embarrassed by you only eating olives and hummus than they would by you spending lots of money as they'd think you couldn't afford a full meal.

If you do go, he is only allowed to order what you order too.

Please do not ask his permission to get yourself food. Sort yourself and your baby out first. He won't be.

PS if moneys tight stop ordering hello fresh

she let herself go hungry. She doesn’t need his permission to buy a takeaway. Even teens don’t need parents permission for that.

so the question is why she chose to ask him permission and go hungry as he said no
Likely because she lives in the kind of relationship where there would be an atmosphere if she went against what he said. He’s likely been breaking her down like this for years.

I had an ex very similar.I remember once cooking dinner and I stepped away to let the dog out and he served, he dropped some of it, so served the rest on to his plate and ate it leaving me with nothing. I had a shopping delivery due first thing next morning so we had no other food in the house other than for the DC’s breakfast and it was before the days ov deliveroo etc. But even if it hadn’t been, I knew that if I ordered a takeaway he would have made a big deal of it and accused me of creating a drama etc. And that was just one of many food related incidents.

Even years later I have major difficulties with accepting food because I’ve been abused into believing that everyone else is more important than I am.

OMG your second post. He ate dinner and forced you to go without?! So much wrong with it. 1. Not his decision, 2. He should be prioritising your well-being as his wife and the person feeding his child. That’s one of the most shocking things I’ve read.

I cannot believe you allowed it or that he did it. And the fact you allowed it suggests he is abusive, as in that scenario most people would just pick up the phone and order food without even thinking - the fact you didn’t suggests your are scared of him or controlled by him.

Hold up, he made you go without dinner because the shop was shut! If the shopo was shut he most certainly should have driven further afield or just got you a takeaway. That is shocking!

On a side note, his wanting the restaurant where you can only eat hummus and olives is equally as shit. These are things that need addressing seperately to meeting the relatives dilema.

For that meet up, the weather is good, tell them funds are tight for you too, plus your diet is restricted because of babys allergies, so you're going to pack up a picnic for you all. Meet them in an area on their route with benches and have that.

Tell him to get stuffed. With olives and houmous. While the rest of you will be eating elsewhere.

Why are you allowing him to dictate what you can and can't eat.

I'd go and eat hummus and olives. Explain to your relatives why this is.

Shame him.

Then ask relatives if you can spend some time staying with them decide whether you want a future with your abusive, disrespectful, controlling, cruel, manipulative and selfish husband.

This all sounds like a bag of shite to be honest.

I'm suspecting he isn't worried about you because he has no plans for you to eat in the first place.

Are you really sure you want to continue to be married to someone who leaves you hungry whilst stuffing himself again and again?

Why do you need to go dinner

Tbh though I would switch to formula if the allergies are that severe that you can pretty much not eat anything.

Your baby can be prescribed non allergenic formula and you can eat normally. There are things that are more important than breastfeeding, and tbh it doesn’t sound as if BF s in your interests. Because BF needs to work for both you and the baby, and clearly it isn’t working for you.

What a wanker.

Why's he being such a precious brat about it all OP?
Clearly you are no worse off than usual (even a little better for a while) so - what could be driving his irrational worry?

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available.
Does he have form for being a dictatorial twat, or is this a new departure?

Frankly, I'd leave DH at home to sulk & fret, & enjoy eating whatever the hell I chose while enjoying my relative's company.

I’m also curious as to the allergy that means you can’t eat anything from bread to potatoes to rice to meat to salad.

You know this is not normal behaviour right?

I mean I'm not pregnant and I cannot imagine a single senario where my DH would leave me without a meal whilst eating one himself. I live somewhere too rural for takeaways and I'm not currently driving and there literally isn't a chance my DH wouldn't drive to to wherever there was somewhere selling food I could eat to get me something in that senario.

I have allergies and I have on occasion ended up in a cafe where the only thing I can eat is a side of chips, but that's been due to random chance, there is no way my DH would actively choose to make me to somewhere where there was little to nothing on the menu that I could eat.

This is not how your DH should be treating you.

This is not how your DH should be treating your baby.

This is not normal even if it feels like your normal. This doesn't have to be your normal.

Your DH is a monster.

I'm not joking here or exaggerating.

He is abusive. Denying you food on spurious grounds, forcing you to go to a restaurant where you can't eat anything.

Go to the restaurant, eat your hummus and when your relatives ask why that's all your having, tell them it's because DH insisted on coming here even though he knew you can't eat anything.