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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reacted as I did to random man?

324 replies

surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 20:54

Was walking down the road earlier, near my house. Was pretty cheerful - my A Level class has done really well (teacher, results' day), it was sunny, life felt good. I was minding my own business when a man across the road yelled 'looking good, love!' at me.

I know it was intended as a compliment, but I hate this sort of thing - I feel objectified and angry that women are viewed as objects to aesthetically please men. So I stopped, took my sunglasses off, and said 'seriously - what is wrong with some men?' He said 'what are you on about?' and I said I don't appreciate been yelled at and objectified by random strangers when I'm just minding my own business. We went back and forth like this briefly, and he got pretty angry and called me a 'stuck up cow' before storming off.

I know it's not the worst thing in the world he could have done, and he was clearly complimenting me, but am I unreasonable to hate it, and to tell him I don't want that sort of attention? For me it was the equivalent to being wolf-whisted at. What do others think? Was I unfair?

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 18/08/2022 20:56

I'm guessing he wouldn't have 'complimented' another man in the same way... YANBU.

fufflecake · 18/08/2022 20:58

He's an absolute tosser

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 20:58

I also got told 'slow down love' when I was walking past a man's stall at a car boot sale last weekend. I sometimes get 'come on, smile' from random men. I sometimes get wolf whistles and other similar comments to the one I got today. I hate it. My husband doesn't have to put up with this. For context (not that it should matter), I'm a 35 year old woman with 2 kids and a bit of baby pooch if I'm honest. I dread to think what young pretty women in their 20s are having to put up with these days!

OP posts:
SpaceyGirl · 18/08/2022 20:59

If you are bi or straight and he was handsome, your total type would you have minded? I'd not have given it a second thought, it was a harmless compliment. People talk to each other. People notice each other. He probably wouldn't shout looking good to a bloke because of homophobia and aggression.

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 21:00

I'm guessing he wouldn't have 'complimented' another man in the same way... YANBU.

Exactly. I told my dad about one of these incidents a few years ago when a random man whistled at me or something like that when I was rushing to the train station for work (back when I was living in London) and I had a bit of a go at the man. My dad's response was 'poor bloke - he just wanted to say something nice and he got a mouthful'. 😠

OP posts:
Gentleness · 18/08/2022 21:01

I'm glad you did it. Well done on seeing your A-level class through to great results and parenting and teaching and remaining sane and happy!

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 21:01

If you are bi or straight and he was handsome, your total type would you have minded?

I am straight. My type is men who don't yell at random women across the street.

OP posts:
Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 21:02

Well done on seeing your A-level class through to great results and parenting and teaching and remaining sane and happy! Ha, thank you!

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 18/08/2022 21:03

I would never start a row over that. You don't know who he was and he could have crossed over and got violent
Just walk away and carry on. Can't believe you started a row over that tbh

JM10 · 18/08/2022 21:04

surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 21:01

If you are bi or straight and he was handsome, your total type would you have minded?

I am straight. My type is men who don't yell at random women across the street.

Mine too op. I wouldn't have been brave enough to challenge him on it, but I'd have wanted to.

SpaceyGirl · 18/08/2022 21:05

Would you really complain if he was Chris Hemsworth? lol
@girlfriend44 Must be the teacher confidence to confront a random man.
More power to you op!

dudsville · 18/08/2022 21:06

I'll never forget the first time i was told that line, something like "smile love it might never happen". I'm a little too concrete at times and i was just baffled, like when someone starts talking mid thought so you don't have the full context, and asked him to explain the statement. I'm decades on now but still find some of these lines just weird, they don't make sense! How did they ever become a thing that men say to women.

SpaceyGirl · 18/08/2022 21:07

Being told looking good is not the same as 'smile love', though!
OK I'll wind my neck in the votes majority are with you op. I do admire your confidence!

Ahsoka2001 · 18/08/2022 21:07

YANBU, don't know how women put up with this crap! I definitely admire you standing up for yourself.

The first episode of She-Hulk this morning touched on similar issues (catcalling, unsolicited comments) and even in a superhero comedy it made me feel a bit mad that this is so widespread still :/

limitededitionbarbie · 18/08/2022 21:09

I'd of not minded. I'd of probably shouted back and you love.

It wasn't a whistle, wasn't derogatory by the sounds of it. But if you don't like it then it's fine to say that.

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 21:10

Haha thank you. I'm actually a fairly anxious introvert but I'm just sick of the way some men seem to think it's okay to speak to some women!

You don't know who he was and he could have crossed over and got violent That is a fair point. I live in a nice little village which I think gives me a false sense of security. That didn't cross my mind to be honest. But also - I hate that women need to think like that and be afraid of what men could do if we stand up for ourselves!

OP posts:
fufflecake · 18/08/2022 21:11

SpaceyGirl · 18/08/2022 21:07

Being told looking good is not the same as 'smile love', though!
OK I'll wind my neck in the votes majority are with you op. I do admire your confidence!

It's not quite the same but it's still an utterly pointless and sexist remark. Who knows what the OP had achieved that day or any other or what was going on in her life. That man decided she was there to be looked at and admired and not only that but it would be nice to let her know he approved of the way she looked. Disgusting.

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 21:14

Being told looking good is not the same as 'smile love', though!
OK I'll wind my neck in the votes majority are with you op. I do admire your confidence!

You're right- it's not exactly the same. But it is connected in that both examples are men who think they have some sort of superiority over women - whether to instruct them to smile, or to (in their eyes anyway) validate them by judging their appearance. I'm not sure I'm explaining that well enough, but I definitely think there are deep similarities between the two examples in terms of the ways in which men think it is okay to interact with women.

OP posts:
fufflecake · 18/08/2022 21:15

surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 21:14

Being told looking good is not the same as 'smile love', though!
OK I'll wind my neck in the votes majority are with you op. I do admire your confidence!

You're right- it's not exactly the same. But it is connected in that both examples are men who think they have some sort of superiority over women - whether to instruct them to smile, or to (in their eyes anyway) validate them by judging their appearance. I'm not sure I'm explaining that well enough, but I definitely think there are deep similarities between the two examples in terms of the ways in which men think it is okay to interact with women.

I hear you. You're not there for the male gaze.

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 21:17

I hear you. You're not there for the male gaze.

Precisely!

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 18/08/2022 21:19

I feel exactly as you do and I wish I had your balls tbh.

fufflecake · 18/08/2022 21:22

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/08/2022 21:19

I feel exactly as you do and I wish I had your balls tbh.

Same. Instead I just feel incredibly self conscious and want the pavement to open up and swallow me while inside I silently seethe about it.

Plump82 · 18/08/2022 21:22

But just yesterday there was a poster talking about how a man in Tesco told her she was looking gorgeous and plenty replies saying she should go back at the same time to try and get his number and to make sure she looks as good as she did etc etc. So at what point is one acceptable and the other isn't?

StoneofDestiny · 18/08/2022 21:27

I'd have shouted back "I know". 😇

corlan · 18/08/2022 21:27

Things like this always make me think of the video of the woman just walking along and all the comments she gets from men. It's such a clear demonstration of the way many men feel women are just there for their appraisal.