To have reacted as I did to random man?

[surreygirl1987]

Was walking down the road earlier, near my house. Was pretty cheerful - my A Level class has done really well (teacher, results' day), it was sunny, life felt good. I was minding my own business when a man across the road yelled 'looking good, love!' at me.

I know it was intended as a compliment, but I hate this sort of thing - I feel objectified and angry that women are viewed as objects to aesthetically please men. So I stopped, took my sunglasses off, and said 'seriously - what is wrong with some men?' He said 'what are you on about?' and I said I don't appreciate been yelled at and objectified by random strangers when I'm just minding my own business. We went back and forth like this briefly, and he got pretty angry and called me a 'stuck up cow' before storming off.

I know it's not the worst thing in the world he could have done, and he was clearly complimenting me, but am I unreasonable to hate it, and to tell him I don't want that sort of attention? For me it was the equivalent to being wolf-whisted at. What do others think? Was I unfair?

@FunnyBeaux

I have actually got the heebie jeebies reading that post. You SERIOUSLY go around telling random strangers 'I like you dress' or 'I like your moustache?' WTAF?

You do know right, that just because someone doesn't tell you to fuck off, (and they do just smile and nod) that they don't necessarily enjoy the weird unwanted 'compliments.' ?! Many people will be taken aback and not know how to react.

The woman I work with has a husband who ALWAYS has to say something to other women when they're out 'oooh you're a good driver aren't you?' when a woman is pushing a load of trollies towards the store and manoeuvring them well.' And 'you've got a lovely smile' to the 20-something checkout operator, and 'what project are you doing?' to a bunch of 16-17 year old college girls in the park with cameras and notebooks.

He thinks he's a super popular well-loved silver fox. In reality, he gives everyone the creeps. The women at his workplace avoid being alone with him. And as someone who knows quite a number of young 18 to 35 year old women, I can tell the 'I'm a cheeky sassy silver fox who all the ladies love' brigade of men, that these women get seriously creeped out by your random comments and weird 'compliments' They don't need them, they don't want them. So back off.

I don't spend 100% of my time with my male friends and relatives but I am 100% sure that none of them shout 'looking good love' (or anything remotely similar) at random women in the street.

It is a certain type of man that does this and it's not the type of man I would want to spend any time with.

Street harassment is awful and unacceptable.
Unsolicited contact from men is threatening. Sometimes this is mild and sometimes severe but a forced interaction is threatening.

Anyone suggesting this isn't a gender specific thing is deluded. So much misogyny on mn.

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps
Thanks for your advice random woman.

Oooh, exciting gender flip. So clever. So controversial!

Thing is, it doesn’t work in this context. If you don’t want female opinions, don’t come to a thread where women are discussing street harassment, on a site primarily used by women, to write paragraphs about how charming everyone finds your random compliments.

I wrote from my experience. Above poster misrepresented what I said, then proceeded to give me unsolicited advice based on her assumptions. So thank you very much but I think I'll go by my experience of people genuinely appreciating a compliment, rather than random woman's 'help'.

That would work only if she were "complimenting" you.

I read your comment and hers. She didn’t misrepresent anything. And if you post in a public discussion forum, then you’re opening yourself up to responses - there is no ‘unsolicited’ reply.

Again. If you don’t want female opinions, don’t come to a thread where women are discussing street harassment, on a site primarily used by women, to write paragraphs about how charming everyone finds your random compliments.

She is not giving you unsolicited advice, this is a public forum were discussions are held. Everyone contributes with different opinions. That’s the point of this forum.“Unsolicited advice “ on the other hand is going to a random female on the street and telling her your opinion on the dress she’s wearing.

Women are not here for their appearance to be judged by strange men in the street. Men need to learn this. You are brave and strong to let this man know.

@Cherchezlaspice
I read your comment and hers. She didn’t misrepresent anything.

I'll give you the benefit of doubt that you're not being goady and you really didn't realise the difference in wording and tone from what I wrote and what she wrote. Perhaps some mansplaining is warranted.

I wrote 'I have complimented strangers plenty of times' and she put it as 'You SERIOUSLY go around telling random strangers 'I like you dress' or 'I like your moustache?'

Whereas what I wrote can be understood to mean a number of isolated incidents happening over quite a few years - which indeed it is - what she wrote makes me sound like some nutter constantly walking up to strangers telling them I like their dress.

What's more, in the example I gave I wrote 'your dress is stunning', which puts the emphasis on the person getting the compliment, while 'I like your dress' makes it about me.

That was a nuanced and perhaps subtle difference in the way she repeated my story. The following is far more egregious.

I was pretty clear that 'unless they're all Oscar winning actors, they appreciated it', and 'I can't really think of a time when I didn't get what seemed a genuine thank you'. This has been my experience. I've found people genuinely appreciated a compliment and it brought a happy smile to their faces.

And indeed why not? When someone has spent time choosing a pair of shoes or grooming their beard, isn't it nice to hear from others what great a job they've done?

Yet the patronising random woman above decided to explain it and educate me that 'just because someone doesn't tell you to fuck off, (and they do just smile and nod)'. Excuse me? Where did you get that? Did you not read what I wrote? As stated, my experience has only ever been of people smiling genuinely, the kind of smile that lights up your face, and give me warm thanks.

Maybe it's because I avoid people with huge chips on their shoulders, or maybe it's because they sense I'm genuine. Whatever the case may be, I don't think all people are so opposed to having positive interaction even with a stranger.

No, the average random blokes don't shout such things at other men because they only objectify women.

Dear Lord. You actually got worse. 😂 I think you need to extract your head from your own arse. It appears this may require medical intervention.

You are the person leaving random unsolicited comments, not the previous poster.

You are the one being goady, by coming to thread where nobody wants you and writing essays that nobody wants to read.

You are the one who clearly had a massive chip on your shoulder, as you felt the need to come to this thread and centre yourself.

You are the one being patronising, with your nonsensical explanation of ‘subtle and nuanced differences’ that are utterly inconsequential to anyone except you.

Based on the staggering lack of self awareness you have displayed here, it seems unlikely that you’d be able to pick up on the distaste generated by your unsolicited ‘compliments’.

FunnyBeaux, why do you feel the need to say anything at all to women you don't know? Why must you insert yourself into their arenas?

Carry on doing this to men (I don't believe that's a regular 'thing', however you protest) but for crying out loud, leave women alone. They do not appreciate it, however accurately you think you interpret their 'thank yous'.

Have you not understood that women are afraid that men will react badly to being ignored and not simpered to? It's a real fear. As you're a man you are immune to this simply because you are a man.

Women you happen upon will tolerate your presence whether you say something or not. The vast majority will appreciate your presence far more if you say nothing at all.

You obviously think that you are a decent man. Decent men do not continue to harass women when they are told that women do not like it. We do not like it. What are you going to do with that information, decent man?

I wrote from my experience. Above poster misrepresented what I said, then proceeded to give me unsolicited advice based on her assumptions. So thank you very much but I think I'll go by my experience of people genuinely appreciating a compliment, rather than random woman's 'help
you mean you’ll continue to harass women. ❤️

Such a hard life, being so attractive to men....

No, she 100% started it. The correct thing to do would be to ignore it and carry on your life

Yes, being sexually harassed by strangers is indeed a hard life. I wonder how a lone man would feel if some big gay dude shouted at him in the street “hey luv, nice ass!”. Most probably lone man would go and punch him on the face, unfortunately us ladies can’t do that, a lot of us wished we could.

She started it by not ignoring him? If someone says or does something thing to you and you respond, you’ve started it? How does that make sense, exactly?

I have voted YABU, but I am kind of on the fence about it. On one hand it is a compliment and I am a firm believer of giving compliments to big people up and (hopefully) cheer them up (you never know when someone might need it), but the way he went about it (shouting it over the road) I agree is a bit like wolf-whistling. If he had been stood next to you and just paid you a compliment that is one thing, to shout it across the road as if his opinion is so important is another.
Next time maybe shout back, thank you, it's a shame you don't, or start rating them out of 10.

How do you ignore something if you started it?

@FunnyBeaux

So thank you very much but I think I'll go by my experience of people genuinely appreciating a compliment, rather than random woman's 'help'

You mean you'll continue to go by your perception of people's response to a compliment, rather than taking on board the reactions of the vast majority of women who posted on this thread saying they don't appreciate compliments from strangers about their appearance.

You don't seem to get that we are socialised to sometimes say 'thanks' when we really want someone to just leave us alone and not make us feel like we exist for the male gaze, because we've had years of being called a 'stuck up bitch' or similar by men who were giving 'just a compliment' who didn't like it when we've told them we don't want to talk to them / don't feel comfortable they've commented on our appearance.

There have been occasions where I've been made to feel incredible uncomfortable and intimidated and made the decision to respond as if I was flattered or appreciative precisely because I felt uncomfortable and intimidated.

If you don't listen to a group of women, many of whom are saying the same thing, and instead say you reject their feedback on your behaviour and will instead continue to do what you've been doing because you think it's well received... you aren't as nice as you think you are.

And I don't believe for one second that you compliment random men anywhere near as often as you comment on women's appearance uninvited. Not a chance.

@MissMaple82

No, she 100% started it. The correct thing to do would be to ignore it and carry on your life

If she '100% started it' then what was it she should have ignored?

Or are you agreeing that in fact the random man 'started it'?

She started it by not ignoring him?

😁