Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reacted as I did to random man?

324 replies

surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 20:54

Was walking down the road earlier, near my house. Was pretty cheerful - my A Level class has done really well (teacher, results' day), it was sunny, life felt good. I was minding my own business when a man across the road yelled 'looking good, love!' at me.

I know it was intended as a compliment, but I hate this sort of thing - I feel objectified and angry that women are viewed as objects to aesthetically please men. So I stopped, took my sunglasses off, and said 'seriously - what is wrong with some men?' He said 'what are you on about?' and I said I don't appreciate been yelled at and objectified by random strangers when I'm just minding my own business. We went back and forth like this briefly, and he got pretty angry and called me a 'stuck up cow' before storming off.

I know it's not the worst thing in the world he could have done, and he was clearly complimenting me, but am I unreasonable to hate it, and to tell him I don't want that sort of attention? For me it was the equivalent to being wolf-whisted at. What do others think? Was I unfair?

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/08/2022 22:45

Good for you.
Maybe he'll think twice about his unsolicited comments next time.
Agree that it's neither harmless or a compliment.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/08/2022 22:47

But I am 53 and grew up watching classic Hollywood films saying grab the girl and kiss her.

Sorry what now? Are you suggesting your guidelines about appropriate conduct are drawn from movies made before you were born, and that movies were ever a template for real life? 😳

Marvellousmadness · 18/08/2022 22:49

He said
Looking Good love

And you went in to full argument mode....

Would you have responded the same way if a woman had said this exact same thing to you?

No.

He said " looking good love"

He didn't say " show me your tits"
So your reaction was ott imo.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/08/2022 22:53

While I wouldn't have been bothered by this comment @Marvellousmadness it's silly to suggest a woman might shout a comment like this. That's the point from OP's perspective.

Cherchezlaspice · 18/08/2022 23:03

SpaceyGirl · 18/08/2022 20:59

If you are bi or straight and he was handsome, your total type would you have minded? I'd not have given it a second thought, it was a harmless compliment. People talk to each other. People notice each other. He probably wouldn't shout looking good to a bloke because of homophobia and aggression.

This is the strangest catcalling apologia I’ve ever read. ‘People talk to each other’. Do you regularly shout things at strangers in the street, then? In the name of conversation?

Berlinlover · 18/08/2022 23:03

I’m 46 and a man shouted the exact same thing to me last week - I was delighted 😀

Daisy1992 · 18/08/2022 23:09

Plump82 · 18/08/2022 21:22

But just yesterday there was a poster talking about how a man in Tesco told her she was looking gorgeous and plenty replies saying she should go back at the same time to try and get his number and to make sure she looks as good as she did etc etc. So at what point is one acceptable and the other isn't?

But the OP of the post you are talking about said they crossed paths in the supermarket multiple times smiling at each other so both clearly wanting to interact.... this OP was minding her own business, very different circumstances. Surely everyone can tell the difference between when someone is reciprocally smiling/flirting back, compared to just shouting at a person in the street.

VioletToes · 18/08/2022 23:09

Well I think we can see why so many men think it's ok to say such a thing with a lot of these replies ffs.

Good for you OP pulling this dickhead up.

It doesn't happen often to me these days but I have a standard response that I've used over the years that clearly tells them I think they're an idiot (it's more the face I pull so wouldn't translate well here!)

FOJN · 18/08/2022 23:09

Cantthinkofausername01 · 18/08/2022 22:09

These kind of threads are getting so boring.

Men can't breathe these days without bring called every name under the sun

I really have no problem with men breathing, I recommend it, but that's not quite the same as offering unsolicited comments to women just minding their own business but I'm sure you already knew that.

K37529 · 18/08/2022 23:10

YABU. He said looking good love, what’s wrong with that? Feminism has become so extreme that a man can’t even give a woman an innocent compliment without it being seen as sexual harassment

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 23:13

I have loved reading through all these replies this evening. Thanks so much for commenting. It's fascinating reading other people's perspectives, and some of the posts have made me laugh out loud.

Told my husband about it and he said 'good for you'. I don't think he gets it, but at least he didn't side with the man!

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 18/08/2022 23:15

I said I don't appreciate been yelled at and objectified by random strangers when I'm just minding my own business. We went back and forth like this briefly, and he got pretty angry and called me a 'stuck up cow' before storming off
You went back and forth like this... Why did you engage with him in the first place?
I can't imagine having a slanging match in the middle of the street with a complete stranger. Bizzare of you to give him a lecture as though he was one of your students.

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 23:17

Why did you engage with him in the first place?

Um... he engaged with me in the first place?

OP posts:
thefishgame · 18/08/2022 23:19

Good for you, OP! I'm waiting for my time to stick it to the next man who heckles me. It's just not happening though which I'll believe is a sign men as a general group are improving (and not a reflection of my heckleability!)

Johnnysgirl · 18/08/2022 23:21

surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 23:17

Why did you engage with him in the first place?

Um... he engaged with me in the first place?

He didn't stop you in the street, presumably? You did.

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 18/08/2022 23:22

He didn't stop you in the street, presumably? You did

I honestly have no idea what you're talking about 😂

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 18/08/2022 23:22

K37529 · 18/08/2022 23:10

YABU. He said looking good love, what’s wrong with that? Feminism has become so extreme that a man can’t even give a woman an innocent compliment without it being seen as sexual harassment

How many times have you yelled across the street at a man that he is looking good?

Cherchezlaspice · 18/08/2022 23:27

Johnnysgirl · 18/08/2022 23:15

I said I don't appreciate been yelled at and objectified by random strangers when I'm just minding my own business. We went back and forth like this briefly, and he got pretty angry and called me a 'stuck up cow' before storming off
You went back and forth like this... Why did you engage with him in the first place?
I can't imagine having a slanging match in the middle of the street with a complete stranger. Bizzare of you to give him a lecture as though he was one of your students.

So, let me see if I’ve got this right.

Random man shouting something at her in the street = fine.

OP objecting to that = bizarre.

Random man shouting something at her in the street = not him engaging with a complete stranger.

OP objecting to that = engaging in a slanging match with a complete stranger.

Are you trolling or just so pathetically sexist that it’s comical? I honestly can’t tell.

Getoff · 18/08/2022 23:41

Ahsoka2001 · 18/08/2022 21:35

Fruit choices should never be up for discussion, but not sure him being a man is quite as relevant in this scenario. Maybe he would've said the same thing to a male?

Show quote history

I'm a man, an introvert who is very unlikely to randomly chat to anyone, but I know I'm subconsciously far more likely to chat if there is an attractive women involved. It's not something I do deliberately, or that I'm even aware of. It's just something I realised with hindsight.

I think I would never comment on a strangers groceries, but if I die having done so once in my life, I reckon there's a 99% probability the stranger will have been an attractive woman.

Maireas · 19/08/2022 00:02

Userg1234 · 18/08/2022 22:45

As a man I am sorry. But I am 53 and grew up watching classic Hollywood films saying grab the girl and kiss her. !most man except no. But it's difficult to let someone know you like them

I'm 62 and grew up in a racist society.
You listen, you learn, you change.

K37529 · 19/08/2022 00:06

@JulesCobb I don’t think I have ever done that but I’m pretty sure if I did the man would just take it as a compliment and not shout abuse at me…

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/08/2022 00:09

Mostly I just say Fuck Off!! these days. I am not as such proud of that but just get the rage at having my space invaded by a random man. So I think you were quite polite. 😁

Cherchezlaspice · 19/08/2022 00:09

K37529 · 19/08/2022 00:06

@JulesCobb I don’t think I have ever done that but I’m pretty sure if I did the man would just take it as a compliment and not shout abuse at me…

  • Yes, but would you do it? If not, then why not?
  • He’d ‘take it as a compliment’ because he wasn’t regularly catcalled but strangers in the street. Many women are.
  • Telling someone not to catcall you isn’t ‘shouting abuse’ at them.
SarahDippity · 19/08/2022 00:11

I would have done what you did, @surreygirl1987. As I am in middle age and increasingly intolerant, I feel it is my duty to call this shit out! I have teen daughters who should not have to put up with being cat-called, and if I stop one random man and make him think twice on my singular journey to change the world, that to me is a result, or at least a noble cause to pursue.

Original poster
surreygirl1987 · 19/08/2022 00:29

I have teen daughters who should not have to put up with being cat-called, and if I stop one random man and make him think twice on my singular journey to change the world, that to me is a result, or at least a noble cause to pursue.

Yes! I have two sons and I am determined that they will not grow up thinking that this sort of behaviour is okay!

OP posts: