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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my wife BU or am I?

217 replies

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:14

We are going away on Saturday and needed the rooftop bag for the car to put everyone's luggage in as the car will be full. She's been asking me for a few weeks to find it as we both thought it was in the loft and she didn't want it left to the last minute. I looked in the loft yesterday and couldn't find it. She said we would need to buy a new one pretty urgently if it couldn't be found and she looked around downstairs (we have a few Kallax units) and said she couldn't find it. I didn't want to spend money on it and she mentioned that she wasn't going to sort the kids clothes and things out until we had found it, because she didn't know what she was going to be packing them into. So I decided to go back into the loft and look for it while she nipped out to get some fish and chips. I couldn't find it and so I looked around again downstairs and there it was, on the top of the tall freezer. So now I'm pissed off because I had to go through the loft for hours to find something that was already downstairs and accessible. I've made it clear I was pissed off and highlighted all the looking I had done and my wife said "So, you didn't see it there yourself before this?" Implying that it wasn't obvious or that she's not got any blame on her for not looking better for it. I can't remember but admittedly I probably put it up there, but she must have walked past it so many times, it's probably been there for a about a year. I'm pissed off and I think she thinks I'm being unreasonable to have a bit of a go at her because of it. But I had to go repeatedly into the loft to find something that was already down here so I think I'm justified in being pissed off and thinking she could have looked a bit harder and found it and I wouldn't have had to do that!

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 18/08/2022 18:16

I think YABU to get so wound up over such a trivial thing, tbh.

AlbaDT · 18/08/2022 18:16

YABU

Ffsmakeitstop · 18/08/2022 18:17

Why didn't you look downstairs as well? Having a penis doesn't stop you looking in more than one place.

LittleBearPad · 18/08/2022 18:19

Its not the end of the world is it.

Katyrosebug · 18/08/2022 18:20

YABU!

Fladdermus · 18/08/2022 18:21

You put it there and then forgot. So any time wasted searching the loft is entirely down to you and your inability to remember where you put it. Don't blame your wife for your failings.

KrisAkabusi · 18/08/2022 18:21

YABU. You both thought it was in the loft. It wasn't. How is that her fault when it's not equally yours?

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:21

LittleBearPad · 18/08/2022 18:19

Its not the end of the world is it.

It just feels irritating because she's been asking for weeks for me to find this and it was somewhere I didn't have to put loads of effort into searching. She says she didn't see it there at all

OP posts:
Mischance · 18/08/2022 18:21

Why did you not see it? Why did you not remember you had put it there? Poor woman having to spend a holiday with you!

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:21

KrisAkabusi · 18/08/2022 18:21

YABU. You both thought it was in the loft. It wasn't. How is that her fault when it's not equally yours?

Well, i couldn't remember putting it in the loft and I said I didn't remember putting it up there and I was right.

OP posts:
Mischance · 18/08/2022 18:22

I used to say to my OH when something went wrong that finding someone to blame was not a necessity.

FizzyFucker · 18/08/2022 18:22

Gosh, I'm glad my DH doesn't have your attitude.

Snargle · 18/08/2022 18:24

She's been asking me for a few weeks to find it as we both thought it was in the loft and she didn't want it left to the last minute.

Why did she have to ask you "for a few weeks"? This could all have been avoided if you'd just looked for it the first time she asked.

YABU

Bunnyfuller · 18/08/2022 18:24

Tidy up! The pair of you!

namechange30455 · 18/08/2022 18:24
  1. Why is it her responsibility to work out where it is? Why didn't you see it?
  1. You don't have to blame someone for everything that goes wrong.

This is the sort of thing my dad would have shouted at my mum about and he is a nasty abusive bully.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/08/2022 18:25

I wouldn't see it as I'm 5 foot tall

But 6foot 3 Dh would Hmm as it's bloody eye level

Is there a height differential here too ?

CatRatSplat · 18/08/2022 18:26

Why did you leave it to the last moment after she had asked you to help find out a few weeks ago?

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 18/08/2022 18:26

My husband would get his arse handed to him on a plate if he were annoyed at me for not knowing where he left something. But he'd never do that as he's not a dickhead.

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:26

LaurieFairyCake · 18/08/2022 18:25

I wouldn't see it as I'm 5 foot tall

But 6foot 3 Dh would Hmm as it's bloody eye level

Is there a height differential here too ?

Only four inches of difference

OP posts:
FOJN · 18/08/2022 18:27

But I had to go repeatedly into the loft to find something that was already down here so I think I'm justified in being pissed off and thinking she could have looked a bit harder and found it and I wouldn't have had to do that!

No you wouldn't have had to do that if you'd remembered where you put it in the first place. She's also been asking about it for a few weeks and you've only just got round to sorting it.

Either of you could have spotted it where it was stored but you seem to think she's more at fault than you. You are having a stupid argument and trying to apportion blame over something that has now been resolved.

Draw a line under it and go and enjoy your holiday.

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:27

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 18/08/2022 18:26

My husband would get his arse handed to him on a plate if he were annoyed at me for not knowing where he left something. But he'd never do that as he's not a dickhead.

I don't know that I left it there- I could have and it's more likely to have been me but it could have been her since she's always on at people to tidy things away and clear up- she could have put it there if she thought it was in her way and maybe that's why I don't remember any of it. Because I didn't do it

OP posts:
Harridan1981 · 18/08/2022 18:28

Why leave it to the last minute? If it was that obvious why didn't you see it?

Get over it, move on. Is going in the loft such a hardship?

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/08/2022 18:28

Sounds like this is heading to be a crap holiday if you think it's acceptable to blame your wife for not noticing something you walk past dozens of time a day and you probably put there.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/08/2022 18:30

Why is it your wife's fault that neither of you saw it?

BlueGlassOfDoom · 18/08/2022 18:30

My parent always had to be right, someone else was always to blame and an apology was never graciously received, but a chance to score another point. Molehills were made into mountains, rather than accepted as the ups and downs of busy family life.

Believe me, growing up in that atmosphere and constantly treading on eggshells was horribly stressful.