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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my wife BU or am I?

217 replies

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:14

We are going away on Saturday and needed the rooftop bag for the car to put everyone's luggage in as the car will be full. She's been asking me for a few weeks to find it as we both thought it was in the loft and she didn't want it left to the last minute. I looked in the loft yesterday and couldn't find it. She said we would need to buy a new one pretty urgently if it couldn't be found and she looked around downstairs (we have a few Kallax units) and said she couldn't find it. I didn't want to spend money on it and she mentioned that she wasn't going to sort the kids clothes and things out until we had found it, because she didn't know what she was going to be packing them into. So I decided to go back into the loft and look for it while she nipped out to get some fish and chips. I couldn't find it and so I looked around again downstairs and there it was, on the top of the tall freezer. So now I'm pissed off because I had to go through the loft for hours to find something that was already downstairs and accessible. I've made it clear I was pissed off and highlighted all the looking I had done and my wife said "So, you didn't see it there yourself before this?" Implying that it wasn't obvious or that she's not got any blame on her for not looking better for it. I can't remember but admittedly I probably put it up there, but she must have walked past it so many times, it's probably been there for a about a year. I'm pissed off and I think she thinks I'm being unreasonable to have a bit of a go at her because of it. But I had to go repeatedly into the loft to find something that was already down here so I think I'm justified in being pissed off and thinking she could have looked a bit harder and found it and I wouldn't have had to do that!

OP posts:
workiskillingme · 18/08/2022 21:04

Why is she incapable of going in the loft?

BadNomad · 18/08/2022 21:04

diddl · 18/08/2022 21:00

because she is the one who knows where everything is,

Say what now?

Why don't you know where your kids clothes are?

Because, like someone else said, his huge penis blocks his ability to see where things go.

Original poster
lidocaine · 18/08/2022 21:04

And I obviously know where the kids clothes are but she's the one who knows what she wants to bring and which bits are in the wash, so that's what I mean. Not that I don't know the kids clothes are in their drawers

OP posts:
Duchess379 · 18/08/2022 21:04

I think you're both unreasonable & are clearly frustrated at the hassle of packing & going on holiday. Just take a deep breathe & chill. You've all walked past it & 'couldn't see it for looking'. Give yourselves a break.

Cas112 · 18/08/2022 21:06

You didn't see it there either. Get over yourself

Original poster
lidocaine · 18/08/2022 21:06

Yes thank you. I will put it down to all the hassle of getting everything ready for the trip and won't let it cause any more bother

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 18/08/2022 21:06

Gentleness · 18/08/2022 20:38

Just to clarify, my username is aspirational.

Mine isn’t.

And I wish I could show it without being banned again

Musicaltheatremum · 18/08/2022 21:10

Oh good grief...my husband and I would be rolling about laughing at both our stupidity over this. Life is really too short for any of the drama you have detailed.

Greensleeves · 18/08/2022 21:11

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 20:57

I have come back to the thread to say a few things. I thought about leaving it as I'm obviously the one in the wrong by your reckoning here. But I wanted to answer that my wife doesn't go in the loft as she has got a terrible fear of the spiders in them and to be totally honest yes I do quite often leave things until the last minute but I doubt I'm alone with that. Also apologies for the lack of paragraphs or punctuation someone hauled me up on but I am voice dictating. Some posters said that their dads were always looking to put blame on someone, well so was mine. He still does and I don't think I am like that. My wife would say that yes she does do almost everything around the house, and she probably does say it as she uses this site all the time to no doubt complain and vent about me, so double standards I think. And of course am packing my own clothes but she is doing the kids clothes because she is the one who knows where everything is, which was my point. Yea

She's doing all the kids' packing because "she's the one who knows where everything is". You're packing...your own stuff.

She's supposed to have known that the bag was on top of the freezer, despite the fact that you probably were the one to put it there, and BOTH of you have been walking past it for months.

Why did you expect her to notice it, when you didn't? Why do you feel justified in having a go at her, rather than being annoyed at yourself?

And what does "a bit of a go" look like?

I feel bad for your wife. I'd be really upset if DH treated me like this, especially if I had to go on holiday with him the next day and be all jolly for the kids. She must be dying inside, poor woman Sad

Ketanne · 18/08/2022 21:13

BadNomad · 18/08/2022 21:04

Because, like someone else said, his huge penis blocks his ability to see where things go.

Show quote history

Is OP a man? I wondered because many people have said so but I can't see them saying they are. Not a big issue, just wondering.

titchy · 18/08/2022 21:15

Wow your poor wife. A scapegoat for all your failings.

You didn't put it away.
You missed it being on the freezer.
You took ages before looked for it.
You don't know what clothes or toiletries your kids need?

And yea this is all your wife's fault.

I hope you're amazing in bed because I can't see why she puts up with you.

iRun2eatCake · 18/08/2022 21:27

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:31

Just to clarify, we aren't having an argument. I've expressed how pissed off I am and had a bit of a go about it, not even that much really but said I was pissed of because it was easy to find and I was right about thinking it wasn't in the loft. She is just walking around with a sad look on her face and not really speaking much to me

She's probably pissed off with the mental load that she has to carry around.

Ever thought that the reason she has been asking you for weeks to get it, is so she can "tick' that off her "to do" list. .... and so she could get organised.

I noticed it's her doing the packing and not you.

mathanxiety · 18/08/2022 21:28

You're telling us your wife is doing all the packing apart from your stuff because she is the parent who knows where all the kids' stuff is - and you're saying all of this as a defense against the charge of not helping to pack.

You have absolutely no sense that this is an appalling state of affairs. There's a truly gobsmacking lack of awareness on your part of the level of twattery you are indulging in here.

Do you honestly see nothing amiss in not knowing anything about your children's stuff?

You are living like a bloody passenger in the family and having a go at a woman who is carrying much more than her fair share of the mental load of parenting, and also dealing with you.

LannieDuck · 18/08/2022 21:29

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 21:06

Yes thank you. I will put it down to all the hassle of getting everything ready for the trip and won't let it cause any more bother

You missed "... and I'll apologise to my wife for having a go at her about something that was just as much my fault as hers."

mathanxiety · 18/08/2022 21:33

Where precisely are these double standards you're whining about?

Your wife complains here, and you're freely admitting to the behaviour she's no doubt complaining about.

You have just confirmed everything she's allegedly saying about you.

Sistanotcista · 18/08/2022 21:33

@GoldenGorilla - your brilliant post made me laugh!

LookingOverHereAllNight · 18/08/2022 21:36

she uses this site all the time to no doubt complain and vent about me

I bet she does. You need to do better because she’ll get tired of dealing with you and one day venting on here won’t be enough.

diddl · 18/08/2022 21:37

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 21:04

And I obviously know where the kids clothes are but she's the one who knows what she wants to bring and which bits are in the wash, so that's what I mean. Not that I don't know the kids clothes are in their drawers

So you realise it's not just always about packing but making sure stuff is washed & ready & not worn again for example?

Which might be why she asked about the bag some weeks ago!

mathanxiety · 18/08/2022 21:42

Slow hand clap.

The kids' clothes are mostly in their drawers. The rest are in the wash. As far as you're aware..

You don't know which ones are in the wash because that's apparently not your remit as a parent.

You don't know which clothes should be packed for the amount of time your spending on holiday or the weather or the anticipated activities. That's wifework.

This isn't a case of which clothes your wife 'wants' to pack.

It's a case of identifying what needs to be packed based on location, weather, availability of washing machine, activities planned, followed by washing and drying and folding all of the clothes necessary, and then packing. What is being packed is not down to some whim of your wife's. There will also be a list somewhere of toiletries and first aid supplies and medicines.

It takes approximately one week of solid work to get a family with children off on holiday, with all the other shit that has to be done daily too.

And yet you still couldn't find it within yourself to find the bag when she asked you to.

LittleBearPad · 18/08/2022 21:42

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 21:04

And I obviously know where the kids clothes are but she's the one who knows what she wants to bring and which bits are in the wash, so that's what I mean. Not that I don't know the kids clothes are in their drawers

That goodness she has those clothes choosing superpowers you lack

figmaofmyimagination · 18/08/2022 21:44

ACTIVATE THE VAGFINDA!

figmaofmyimagination · 18/08/2022 21:44

Vagfinda could be the next Tinder. I HEREBY PATENT IT.

veggiemonster · 18/08/2022 21:52

Get a grip, basically.

MeriPenomause · 18/08/2022 21:54

Holy shit! I thought he wouldn't come back but he did and dug his hole deeper!

Qik · 18/08/2022 21:58

I think you both need a holiday. Make sure you have one. Kick your shoes off.

And give her a hug. The roof bag isn’t important.