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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my wife BU or am I?

217 replies

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:14

We are going away on Saturday and needed the rooftop bag for the car to put everyone's luggage in as the car will be full. She's been asking me for a few weeks to find it as we both thought it was in the loft and she didn't want it left to the last minute. I looked in the loft yesterday and couldn't find it. She said we would need to buy a new one pretty urgently if it couldn't be found and she looked around downstairs (we have a few Kallax units) and said she couldn't find it. I didn't want to spend money on it and she mentioned that she wasn't going to sort the kids clothes and things out until we had found it, because she didn't know what she was going to be packing them into. So I decided to go back into the loft and look for it while she nipped out to get some fish and chips. I couldn't find it and so I looked around again downstairs and there it was, on the top of the tall freezer. So now I'm pissed off because I had to go through the loft for hours to find something that was already downstairs and accessible. I've made it clear I was pissed off and highlighted all the looking I had done and my wife said "So, you didn't see it there yourself before this?" Implying that it wasn't obvious or that she's not got any blame on her for not looking better for it. I can't remember but admittedly I probably put it up there, but she must have walked past it so many times, it's probably been there for a about a year. I'm pissed off and I think she thinks I'm being unreasonable to have a bit of a go at her because of it. But I had to go repeatedly into the loft to find something that was already down here so I think I'm justified in being pissed off and thinking she could have looked a bit harder and found it and I wouldn't have had to do that!

OP posts:
friendsaddict87 · 18/08/2022 22:00

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 20:57

I have come back to the thread to say a few things. I thought about leaving it as I'm obviously the one in the wrong by your reckoning here. But I wanted to answer that my wife doesn't go in the loft as she has got a terrible fear of the spiders in them and to be totally honest yes I do quite often leave things until the last minute but I doubt I'm alone with that. Also apologies for the lack of paragraphs or punctuation someone hauled me up on but I am voice dictating. Some posters said that their dads were always looking to put blame on someone, well so was mine. He still does and I don't think I am like that. My wife would say that yes she does do almost everything around the house, and she probably does say it as she uses this site all the time to no doubt complain and vent about me, so double standards I think. And of course am packing my own clothes but she is doing the kids clothes because she is the one who knows where everything is, which was my point. Yea

Just because you feel like you're "not alone" in your last minute disorganised behaviour doesn't mean you can do it and then blame your wife for getting stressed because you left it until the last minute.

Men and their safety in numbers drives me mad - so if you were alone in your behaviour it would be more wrong? No. Men, stop doing things because other men do!

TeaTurtle · 18/08/2022 22:02

MeriPenomause · 18/08/2022 21:54

Holy shit! I thought he wouldn't come back but he did and dug his hole deeper!

Oh yes. Men like this can never be wrong. Though there almost permanently are

ImBoilingJackie · 18/08/2022 22:10

Ffsmakeitstop · 18/08/2022 18:17

Why didn't you look downstairs as well? Having a penis doesn't stop you looking in more than one place.

Well yes, this.
You should have been looking for it too, rather than assuming it WAS in the loft and then only looking there.

TooBored1 · 18/08/2022 22:11

I'm trying to work out if this is a wind up or if you really do think you've been hard done by.

Rather sad either really.

deeperthanallroses · 18/08/2022 22:16

mathanxiety · 18/08/2022 21:42

Slow hand clap.

The kids' clothes are mostly in their drawers. The rest are in the wash. As far as you're aware..

You don't know which ones are in the wash because that's apparently not your remit as a parent.

You don't know which clothes should be packed for the amount of time your spending on holiday or the weather or the anticipated activities. That's wifework.

This isn't a case of which clothes your wife 'wants' to pack.

It's a case of identifying what needs to be packed based on location, weather, availability of washing machine, activities planned, followed by washing and drying and folding all of the clothes necessary, and then packing. What is being packed is not down to some whim of your wife's. There will also be a list somewhere of toiletries and first aid supplies and medicines.

It takes approximately one week of solid work to get a family with children off on holiday, with all the other shit that has to be done daily too.

And yet you still couldn't find it within yourself to find the bag when she asked you to.

Yes we are doing this. I’d be leaving Dh at home if he behaved like this guy about doing anything. I had him do first aid, laundry pack last weekend and get down suitcases. If he had decided something wasn’t where I’d said and that made it my job I’d have reminded him the stingose/suitcases/laundry powder are not my treasured personal fucking possessions and as an adult inhabitant of this house he can bloody well find them or he won’t be getting on that plane with us. He has done similar to you in the past and I'm done with that. I’m not his mum, and he’s not 6 years old.

Quartz2208 · 18/08/2022 22:36

I think your wife may have reached breaking point OP all your blustering still shows how much she does

i recently pointed out to my husband that by expecting me to tell him what he needs me to do in order to share the physical load 50/50 he is expecting me to carry 100% of the mental load

here your wife asked and asked and then somehow when it didn’t go as you wanted it was all her fault

sadness is far worse than anger because it means she can no longer be angry

apologise help her pack and listen and learn from this. Women aren’t born with the ability to pack and decide

Cakeandcardio · 18/08/2022 22:44

Surely this is a joke? Are you seriously annoyed at your wife for your own mistake? Hahahahahaha

SeriouslyStressed · 18/08/2022 22:47

Omg!
Seriously, do some reading about male privilege and the mental load

drive.google.com/file/d/0B0UUYL6kaNeBTDBRbkJkeUtabEk/view?pref=2&pli=1

Threads like this make me rejoice that I'm no longer carrying a deadweight husband.

No wonder the numbers of lonely single men are increasing as women's relationship standards rise.

UndertheCedartree · 18/08/2022 22:51

YABU - she's been asking you for weeks to look for it and you left it to the last minute, then got her to help you look, then blamed her for not knowing where you had put it downstairs. Sounds like she's doing everything else and the one job she asked you to do, you couldn't even do and then had a go at her for not doing your job for you.

EmpressoftheMundane · 18/08/2022 22:55

Sorry OP, your fault for not finding it on top of the fridge where you put it.

You had one job to do…

Then to blame your inadequacy on your wife! I am embarrassed for you.

buckeejit · 19/08/2022 00:23

Lol-she is the one who knows where everything is? Even after doing all that nagging to tidy?!

Op, every time you say something it does not make anything better.

Maybe familiarise yourself with where things are, take charge of storage, make a spreadsheet, take over the laundry so you know what's in the wash. You organise the dc stuff, (of course your wife can pack for herself).

seafish · 19/08/2022 00:26

You put it there, should have remembered where you left it then wouldn't have wasted hours looking for it. This bug YABU!

pictish · 19/08/2022 06:51

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 21:04

And I obviously know where the kids clothes are but she's the one who knows what she wants to bring and which bits are in the wash, so that's what I mean. Not that I don't know the kids clothes are in their drawers

Why don’t you know what clothes your kids need to bring?
Why don’t you know what bits are in the wash?
That’s what we mean.

You don’t know because you don’t take on the same mental load as a parent, do you? Leave that boring shit to her.

And now you expect your wife to know where you stored the roof bag…and you’re annoyed that she didn’t and your precious time was wasted looking for it yourself. You could have been doing something much more relaxing while she gets the kids packed couldn’t you?

Pull your head out of your arse.

pictish · 19/08/2022 06:55

It may seem obvious to us but I’m going to state it to you anyway.

Being in possession of a vagina does not make a person any more capable or willing to pack for the kids going on holiday or able find things you have misplaced.
That may come as a shock to you but it’s true.

Vallmo47 · 19/08/2022 07:02

Neither of you knew where it was, both of you went in search of it. You now found it, issue resolved. This is not the big deal it’s been turned into. Have a good holiday.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2022 07:10

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 21:04

And I obviously know where the kids clothes are but she's the one who knows what she wants to bring and which bits are in the wash, so that's what I mean. Not that I don't know the kids clothes are in their drawers

And she'll know which clothes are in their drawers because she'll have put them there. And she'll know which ones are in the wash because she'll have put them there.

Right?

Scurryfunge12 · 19/08/2022 07:11

You didn’t see it but you expect her to? You sound like a proper twat. HTH.

StoneColdMedusa · 19/08/2022 07:13

Maybe you should have looked for it properly when she asked you to find it weeks ago 🤷🏻‍♀️

DreamToNightmare · 19/08/2022 07:22

How do you even have the brain space to get so worked up over this? Jesus.

By the way, this is no more your wife’s ‘fault’ than it is yours.

If she could have walked past it a hundred times then you probably did too.

If she could have found it if she’d looked harder, then so could you.

You sound like a sexist nightmare.

FOJN · 19/08/2022 07:24

You don't think you are like your father and yet after dozens of posters told you to stop being an arse you thought you would come back to the thread and defend yourself?

You are the type that would rather be right than happy.

I suspect you have form form this kind of shit which is why your wife is looking sad and being quiet, she knows there is no point in trying to talk to you and has probably decided its best to let you get your rant out of your system in the hope you won't use this event to ruin the family holiday.

Grow the fuck up, you will not get a refund on the time and effort you expended looking in the loft no matter how much you complain about it.

Quincythequince · 19/08/2022 07:27

YABU.
Ans had you looked for it when you said you would, all those weeks ago, none of this would have happened.

So yeah, YABU.

wibblywobblybits · 19/08/2022 07:28

Is this a reverse? Because it's blindingly obvious that you are BU as either of you could've seen it downstairs on top of the freezer. You sir, are petty. And unreasonable.

Hobbitfeet32 · 19/08/2022 07:29

Why can’t your wife go in the loft and get the roof box? It’s not an exclusively male role to do that. I’d be swapping jobs with her for next time so she can get the box down and fit it on the car and you could do the packing that she usually does.

wibblywobblybits · 19/08/2022 07:29

Scurryfunge12 · 19/08/2022 07:11

You didn’t see it but you expect her to? You sound like a proper twat. HTH.

Hahahahahahhahahahahaha HTH

Sparkletastic · 19/08/2022 07:33

You owe your wife an apology.