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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my wife BU or am I?

217 replies

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:14

We are going away on Saturday and needed the rooftop bag for the car to put everyone's luggage in as the car will be full. She's been asking me for a few weeks to find it as we both thought it was in the loft and she didn't want it left to the last minute. I looked in the loft yesterday and couldn't find it. She said we would need to buy a new one pretty urgently if it couldn't be found and she looked around downstairs (we have a few Kallax units) and said she couldn't find it. I didn't want to spend money on it and she mentioned that she wasn't going to sort the kids clothes and things out until we had found it, because she didn't know what she was going to be packing them into. So I decided to go back into the loft and look for it while she nipped out to get some fish and chips. I couldn't find it and so I looked around again downstairs and there it was, on the top of the tall freezer. So now I'm pissed off because I had to go through the loft for hours to find something that was already downstairs and accessible. I've made it clear I was pissed off and highlighted all the looking I had done and my wife said "So, you didn't see it there yourself before this?" Implying that it wasn't obvious or that she's not got any blame on her for not looking better for it. I can't remember but admittedly I probably put it up there, but she must have walked past it so many times, it's probably been there for a about a year. I'm pissed off and I think she thinks I'm being unreasonable to have a bit of a go at her because of it. But I had to go repeatedly into the loft to find something that was already down here so I think I'm justified in being pissed off and thinking she could have looked a bit harder and found it and I wouldn't have had to do that!

OP posts:
BadNomad · 18/08/2022 19:51

And if you'd found it in the loft the second time you looked would she have been justified in bitching at you for not seeing it the first time?

LookingOverHereAllNight · 18/08/2022 19:53

You feel she should have seen it there, but why didn’t you then?

I really couldn’t be arsed to have a relationship with someone who wanted to put blame onto me. My father was like it to my mum and is kids, it’s really draining to live with. I bet you’re both looking forward to spending time together on holiday. 😏

diddl · 18/08/2022 19:54

So she's doing all of the packing & one thing she wanted you to do was get the roof bag for her some weeks ago so she could get organised?

Even if it had been in the loft & she could have got it herself there's no reason you couldn't be contributing?

Does she also need to wash stuff & put it aside so it isn't worn again?

ANUsernam · 18/08/2022 19:58

Yabu

Regularsizedrudy · 18/08/2022 20:05

You sound like a total knobhead. Its not your wife’s job to memorise where everything is. You have just as much responsibility as she does.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 18/08/2022 20:05

Wow! Your wife is a lucky lady! Your penis is so big, its blocks your eyes!

Love this!😂

Wheresmymoneytree · 18/08/2022 20:08

I think you are being unreasonable and that you sound quite nasty. She doesn’t deserve you to be acting pissed off at her, walking round sad implies she’s sick of your shit. You are an adult too, she isn’t your assistant that is there to keep track of stuff for you. She shouldn’t need to ask you to look for it, you should recognise yourself that it will be required. Why is she packing all of the kids clothes, are you useless at that too?

UnderCaffeinated · 18/08/2022 20:08

YABU - I hope this is a reverse!

If not, you're really quite something. She asked you to look in the loft weeks ago so it wasn't left to the last minute - it's taken you until the Wednesday before you go away to look in the loft, why?

When it wasn't in the loft yesterday, and then you were just like 'oh no, it's not there. let's not buy another one' even though you admitted the car would be full? what did you expect her to do, shrink the clothes with magic?

You've had a look around and found it on top of a freezer and decided you're now pissed off with your wife, because she didn't know it was there, but neither did you!? She's clearly the reasonable one here because she's not annoyed with you because you didn't know where it was! The most reasonable response would have been 'aren't we such a pair, with it staring at us from up there while we looked at it, must make sure it ends up in the loft next time'

You owe your wife an apology for behaving like a colossal penis. If my partner was annoyed with me over this, I think I would reassess our relationship because it's truly ridiculous.

Quartz2208 · 18/08/2022 20:09

If she is sad @lidocaine I suspect it is because all the anger has gone from her, because you do this so often take a long time to do something then when it is not quite what you thought blame her.

I am angry though at you

Thebestwaytoscareatory · 18/08/2022 20:14

In every relationship there is a "looker" and a there is a "Looker". The "Looker" needs to accept that the "looker" will never actually look for something properly and so the "Looker's" first job is to look where the "looker" claims to have looked.

Once you accept this in your heart you'll never be pissed off about it again.

Adventur3time · 18/08/2022 20:23

YABU. If it's been there for over a year then it's pretty normal for you both to have become completely blind to it, as by now it's just a part of the house and you don't even notice it anymore.

It's lucky that you eventually realised it was there, but she isn't at fault for not doing so.

Deadringer · 18/08/2022 20:27

Yabu

Ketanne · 18/08/2022 20:34

You're both being a bit unreasonable. She could have looked in the loft herself instead of asking someone else to do it, I would rather go up myself and have a look instead of pestering DP for weeks.
There's no reason to "have a go" though, she didn't look properly downstairs and you didn't notice it/remember it was there either.

Gentleness · 18/08/2022 20:36

lidocaine · 18/08/2022 18:31

Just to clarify, we aren't having an argument. I've expressed how pissed off I am and had a bit of a go about it, not even that much really but said I was pissed of because it was easy to find and I was right about thinking it wasn't in the loft. She is just walking around with a sad look on her face and not really speaking much to me

She's probably feeling sad about sharing parenting for the whole holiday now that you made such a fuss about basic adulting. I know I would be: it would be such a wonderful relief to have a holiday with another adult, but when it's just the kids it's just another week of having to think for a load of minors.

Or maybe that's just me.

anglesee · 18/08/2022 20:38

Have i missed something?

Why didn't YOU look where you thought it would be?

Gentleness · 18/08/2022 20:38

Just to clarify, my username is aspirational.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 18/08/2022 20:46

She delegated a job to you and you did it but think she should have? Utterly bizarre. Notice you mention she is the one packing so that’s all on her and all you had to do was find the bag?

Suzi888 · 18/08/2022 20:48

Bunnyfuller · 18/08/2022 18:24

Tidy up! The pair of you!

^

VillanellesCoat · 18/08/2022 20:49

Ketanne · 18/08/2022 20:34

You're both being a bit unreasonable. She could have looked in the loft herself instead of asking someone else to do it, I would rather go up myself and have a look instead of pestering DP for weeks.
There's no reason to "have a go" though, she didn't look properly downstairs and you didn't notice it/remember it was there either.

She could have looked, yes. But maybe she was busy doing all the tidying up & getting the kids clothes ready to pack. Still no excuse for him being such a twat

PhatPaws · 18/08/2022 20:52

You both sound as bad as eachother.

Original poster
lidocaine · 18/08/2022 20:57

I have come back to the thread to say a few things. I thought about leaving it as I'm obviously the one in the wrong by your reckoning here. But I wanted to answer that my wife doesn't go in the loft as she has got a terrible fear of the spiders in them and to be totally honest yes I do quite often leave things until the last minute but I doubt I'm alone with that. Also apologies for the lack of paragraphs or punctuation someone hauled me up on but I am voice dictating. Some posters said that their dads were always looking to put blame on someone, well so was mine. He still does and I don't think I am like that. My wife would say that yes she does do almost everything around the house, and she probably does say it as she uses this site all the time to no doubt complain and vent about me, so double standards I think. And of course am packing my own clothes but she is doing the kids clothes because she is the one who knows where everything is, which was my point. Yea

OP posts:
Purpleforthewin · 18/08/2022 20:57

"I probably put it up there, but she must have walked past it so many times, it's probably been there for a about a year."

Presumably you have also been walking past it so many times over the past year. YABU

Onekidnoclue · 18/08/2022 20:59

Gosh. I feel sorry for your wife. If one of the kids behaved as you have done I would have told them to grow up and been slightly ashamed I’d raised such stroppy brats. If my husband had a go at me for not knowing where something in the house was I’d be gobsmacked and wonder when he’d had his lobotomy

diddl · 18/08/2022 21:00

because she is the one who knows where everything is,

Say what now?

Why don't you know where your kids clothes are?

Original poster
lidocaine · 18/08/2022 21:01

Oh and the person who said to tidy up, it is tidy. That's why I couldn't just find the bag as it was tucked away on the freezer, not chucked across the floor or something.

OP posts:
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