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AIBU?

AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

535 replies

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 03:11

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

2896 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
95%
You are NOT being unreasonable
5%
DancingBeanstalk · 18/08/2022 03:25

YABU. If you don’t trust grandparents to change baby’s nappy they shouldn’t be seeing baby.

If you do, no issue.

Babies don’t need consent no matter how keen you are on it.

Yamaya · 18/08/2022 03:31

It's good to be aware but you do sound paranoid. They are related and you were right there watching. Did something happen to you as a child? If so, maybe you need therapy to talk through things.
Or maybe you could have said, it's OK I can do that or something.

GAW19 · 18/08/2022 03:31

I think this is something you seriously need to address with yourself.
First of all, all my family members have offered to change nappies, and 9/10 it's because they're being helpful and just giving me a tiny break. I think it's a lovely thing for them to do.
I really don't understand why you feel the way you do. But it does seem like you have your own underlining problem. If you can't trust immediate family to change a nappy then, well, your child is going to grow up with you literally obsessing over 'privacy' for them.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/08/2022 03:32

So nursery workers or babysitters can change your child but their grandparent can’t? I suspect this is more about your feelings towards your MIL than anything to do with privacy and consent (consent being a ridiculous concept for a small baby who has no capacity to give informed consent at that age).

Vikinga · 18/08/2022 03:35

I can't really remember but I think it was generally us who would have changed my kids nappies unless we weren't there. Nursery or babysat by someone else. Your MIL was doing you a favour imo. When/if I'm a grandmother, it wouldn't occur to me to ask permission to change a nappy.

My kids did walk naked quite a bit when they were toddlers in the summer when at my parents' house so nakedness isn't an issue in our family

sweeetpotato · 18/08/2022 03:37

What do you think trusted family members are going to to do your baby?

If you actually think your baby is as risk of abuse or unacceptable touching then they shouldn't be in your lives at all. Otherwise, a nappy change is a basic part of caring for a baby and many people like to help out and give mums and dads a break and spend some time looking after them. It's a nice thing to offer to do.
Ok many MIL should have said 'would you like me to change the baby?' But I guess she knew she would be shot down and is just trying to help.

How do you expect a baby to give consent to a nappy change?

Why does a baby so young need 'privacy'?

You really need to try and relax and calm yourself down with this or you are going to alienate your family and friends and offers of help when you may really need them will stop.

sweeetpotato · 18/08/2022 03:42

Is your MIL actually overbearing, or are you constantly pushing back and trying to stop her spending time with the baby?

At the end of the day you are the babies mum and nothing will change that, but having positive relationships with family is important and you should be encouraging this. Boundaries are important too and if she is genuinely being too much then you should address that, but your OP comes across like you may be the one being a little intense and over thinking things.

WimpoleHat · 18/08/2022 03:47

I don’t understand the logic here. If you’re genuinely worried about privacy and consent in these matters, then surely nursery must be a total no go?

NewBlueGoo · 18/08/2022 03:51

Has your baby given you and your partner consent?

dolphinsarentcommon · 18/08/2022 03:57

Your poor MIL. If she'd sat there and let you do it you'd have moaned she was unhelpful/uninvolved/uninterested.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 18/08/2022 04:00

Totally ridiculous and irrationally paranoid, assuming this is genuine and not yet another MIL hating thread.

housepilot · 18/08/2022 04:03

These seems a bit ridiculous. Where you grateful to your MiL, expressing thanks or did you sulk? Most people would change their own babies nappies because it's gross for other people rather than a privacy issue. Your poor MiL has misery ahead of these are your lines.

Vecna · 18/08/2022 04:09

Perhaps you disliked your mil taking the initiative because you felt it wasn't her place and that she overstepped, and you're trying to justify it with notions of safeguarding?

You can control who changes you child's nappy but I don't think a 'parents only' rule is sensible unless you intend never to leave him with anyone else.

Yabu that only parents should change nappies.

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 04:19

sweeetpotato · 18/08/2022 03:37

What do you think trusted family members are going to to do your baby?

If you actually think your baby is as risk of abuse or unacceptable touching then they shouldn't be in your lives at all. Otherwise, a nappy change is a basic part of caring for a baby and many people like to help out and give mums and dads a break and spend some time looking after them. It's a nice thing to offer to do.
Ok many MIL should have said 'would you like me to change the baby?' But I guess she knew she would be shot down and is just trying to help.

How do you expect a baby to give consent to a nappy change?

Why does a baby so young need 'privacy'?

You really need to try and relax and calm yourself down with this or you are going to alienate your family and friends and offers of help when you may really need them will stop.

I 100% don’t think my baby is at risk but at the same time my own mum wouldn’t change a nappy unless I wasn’t there and would otherwise ask if I want her to change the baby

obviously for some reason consent parenting is controversial but it’s not about the baby giving consent it’s about setting standards early the same way I expect grandparents to ask my baby for a cuddle not just go to grab him even while young babies have a preference for who’s holding them and I only let people hold my baby when he wants to go to them.

my baby also doesn’t enjoy nappy changes and I try to make them positive experience ie. i don’t just continue when he’s crying I calm him down first.

OP posts:
Bpdqueen · 18/08/2022 04:19

Iv changed nappies of nieces, nephews and friends children's hundreds of times either while babysitting or even when the parents are right there in the room this is very normal behaviour within families and is done to help out. Like they say it takes a village.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 18/08/2022 04:32

So your DM wouldn't do it, she's different to your DMIL, not necessarily right. Being a DM doesn't = right and being a DMIL doesn't = wrong.

Lots and of my baby, you do realise that it takes two to make a baby, what's dies your DO make of your ridiculous rules?

It's not that consent parenting is controversial, it's that consent parenting (what ever that means), is batshit crazy and not even a thing!

Carpetfluffy · 18/08/2022 04:32

@Mum070322 but if he's crying because he's sitting in shit he's not going to stop crying until he's changed Hmm

If you think she's going to assault your child you shouldn't be seeing her at all

Carpetfluffy · 18/08/2022 04:34

@Mum070322 you make your family ask your 6 month old baby consent ?
I've seen it all now.

Do you just leave him sitting in shit if he doesn't give consent then?

Clymene · 18/08/2022 04:37

She was trying to be helpful. I hope to god my son doesn't have babies with a woman like you

User839516 · 18/08/2022 04:37

I think it’s really weird to feel uncomfortable with your MIL changing a nappy if you’d be happy for someone you don’t know personally (nursery worker) to do it.
I was originally going to say I get it as I haven’t put any of my DC into any type of childcare until they are 100% toilet trained so don’t need any type of help from people I don’t know in that area. That’s a personal choice for me, I just don’t like the idea of people I don’t know being that intimately involved with my children. But I wouldn’t think twice about my mum changing a nappy. My MIL would never offer in her life but in theory it’s the same as she’s family. Babysitter or nursery worker / childminder though I get that. Although I know I’m in the minority.

helogast · 18/08/2022 04:42

Your MIL should not have assumed that it was ok to change your baby's nappy. She should have said something along the lines of 'is it ok to go ahead and change him' or 'would you like me to change him for you' particularly the first time.

As you have said, this isn't anything to do with you trusting her, it is your preference which you are completely entitled to. Some mums are more sensitive about these type of things than others and you know what, that is completely ok! You feel how you feel and you shouldn't need the validation of others. The thing you should have done however was to step in and not let her do it. You could have politely said, 'thank you, but I would prefer to change him' and that should have been that.

You should put your boundaries in on things like this and explain what they are at an appropriate time. If anyone doesn't respect those boundaries then it's their problem not yours but you need to communicate them clearly. This is key to a healthy relationship with her going forwards otherwise resentment will build if you are sitting there watching her doing things you would prefer to be doing.

Goodnewsday · 18/08/2022 04:44

I used to feel a bit like this when his full family would be round at first and act like they all had to be part of a nappy change. I get up and go through to his room to change him to try to avoid it. I don’t mind someone changing him if they’re watching him but I just don’t like the idea of everyone sitting round giving a running commentary of it 🤦🏼‍♀️

CactusBlossom · 18/08/2022 04:46

I would say that changing a nappy is rarely an enjoyable experience, so I'd just be grateful that MIL did it without even being asked!

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 04:46

Carpetfluffy · 18/08/2022 04:34

@Mum070322 you make your family ask your 6 month old baby consent ?
I've seen it all now.

Do you just leave him sitting in shit if he doesn't give consent then?

Obviously you’re unable to read asking him was clearly about cuddles.

so no he doesn’t just sit in shit… but I do communicate with him when I’m going to change his nappy

OP posts:
HappyHappyHermit · 18/08/2022 04:47

What absolute poppycock, your baby needed changing she helped you, lucky you and luck your baby. Stop looking for non existent problems to complain about.

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