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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

535 replies

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 03:11

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

OP posts:
MrsJamesofSutton · 29/03/2023 16:20

I'm glad it's given you all a laugh.😥

It is really acknowledgement that the child has, from the beginning, a right to be consulted about what happens to their own body. As a baby, this is done using non verbal language and-as in the case of the cord where it had to be cut regardless of anyone's wish-acknowledgement that it was something that was being done to his own body.

For us, it was a bonding uniquely special moment and the midwife-far short of laughing-said she thought it was a beautiful idea and that she would be facilitating other new mums to have the chance to do this-as well as telling her colleagues so that they could do the same.

I think it is the word 'consent' that is causing such hilarity but swap 'consent' for acknowledging or taking notice of and I think a lot of us are on the same page-after all babies aren't non sentient beings or pets.

Anyway, that's my opinion. I realised immediately after posting that this is a stupidly old thread but if the OP is still around, then I hope she is doing well.

Bellaboo01 · 29/03/2023 16:30

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 03:11

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

It's your baby and totally up to you but, i would also make it very clear if you have these rules so everyone would know.

My Husband and I would never have given it another thought to worry about who was changing our two girls nappies (in-fact we welcomed it)!!

Why do you just want you or your husband to change the nappies out of interest?

Solonge · 29/03/2023 16:43

MrsJamesofSutton · 29/03/2023 16:20

I'm glad it's given you all a laugh.😥

It is really acknowledgement that the child has, from the beginning, a right to be consulted about what happens to their own body. As a baby, this is done using non verbal language and-as in the case of the cord where it had to be cut regardless of anyone's wish-acknowledgement that it was something that was being done to his own body.

For us, it was a bonding uniquely special moment and the midwife-far short of laughing-said she thought it was a beautiful idea and that she would be facilitating other new mums to have the chance to do this-as well as telling her colleagues so that they could do the same.

I think it is the word 'consent' that is causing such hilarity but swap 'consent' for acknowledging or taking notice of and I think a lot of us are on the same page-after all babies aren't non sentient beings or pets.

Anyway, that's my opinion. I realised immediately after posting that this is a stupidly old thread but if the OP is still around, then I hope she is doing well.

I am a nurse, both adult and children and worked as a Marie Curie nurse and also worked on cancer wards for both adults and children. Whilst I smiled at the idea of asking the baby about cutting the cord, what perhaps has more import is when a child is diagnosed with cancer. Informing that child and seeking their views on treatment. Even forty years ago, although fairly groundbreaking at the time, was considered the right way forward. But, and its a big but, it takes a brave parent to allow a four year old to decide how their treatment will go forward if there is to be any treatment.

MrsJamesofSutton · 29/03/2023 16:53

Just coming back to respond to you @Solonge

What you describe is an extreme case and I would not brave enough to allow my child or indeed myself to ignore medical opinion. I would be guided by it as all bets about my personal ideas of child rearing would be secondary in the case that you describe.

My methods are for day to day life and I wouldn't dream of insisting that they take precedence over the situation you describe.

AllTheDifference · 29/03/2023 17:01

MrsJamesofSutton · 29/03/2023 16:20

I'm glad it's given you all a laugh.😥

It is really acknowledgement that the child has, from the beginning, a right to be consulted about what happens to their own body. As a baby, this is done using non verbal language and-as in the case of the cord where it had to be cut regardless of anyone's wish-acknowledgement that it was something that was being done to his own body.

For us, it was a bonding uniquely special moment and the midwife-far short of laughing-said she thought it was a beautiful idea and that she would be facilitating other new mums to have the chance to do this-as well as telling her colleagues so that they could do the same.

I think it is the word 'consent' that is causing such hilarity but swap 'consent' for acknowledging or taking notice of and I think a lot of us are on the same page-after all babies aren't non sentient beings or pets.

Anyway, that's my opinion. I realised immediately after posting that this is a stupidly old thread but if the OP is still around, then I hope she is doing well.

You took the criticism with dignity and good grace. I apologise for my sarcasm.

MrsJamesofSutton · 29/03/2023 17:02

Thank you.

danblack87 · 29/03/2023 17:24

I think you are being over-protective in the extreme. Maybe something in your past BUT that has nothing to do with your reaction for MIL.. For goodness sake this MIL gave birth to the person you are married to. She changed the baby's nappy because he was crying and uncomfortable, she was just trying to help out. I have changed my grand-daughter's, my daughter's and nephews/nieces nappies without any 'hoo ha' and disrepect. I would worry about you in the future re. possibly isolating the baby and ? Munchausen syndrome. Get a grip. IN-laws just want to help. They are not trying to take your baby away. What does your husband think about your over-reaction and severing a bond with is mother . think in the future when they need you to babysit, care for them when you are sick and working .,. THEY MAY WELL DECLINE.

danblack87 · 29/03/2023 17:27

P.s you cannot consult a baby at 6 months because they are no verbal. They just want to be loved and care for and not in distress.

danblack87 · 29/03/2023 17:51

It seems to me that you may seriously need to reflect on your ideas once you become a grandmother ... Your reaction is abnormal to say the least. A grandparent is a carer/a giver, has patience with a child (when you may otherwise not have the patience/full time/part time/ working --- Any child needs extended family AND you need them too although you don't appear to be aware of that at the moment due to the love that you hold, clearly, for your child. In my opinion you are 'cutting your nose off to spite your face' accept the care, love and nuturing that extended family can give.

danblack87 · 29/03/2023 18:21

Soothing calm voice whilst baby is going red and crying - yes we do the conjoing thing, the raspberry on their tummy's, sing a song/tell a nursery rhyme and cuddles BUT at the end of the day they need changing --- they can't give consent ... has to be done. And any parent, childminder, family member can do that.

GymNewbie · 29/03/2023 21:53

This has made the daily mail. Its bonkers

hiyaqwerty · 29/03/2023 21:58

Not her place? That's her grandson. Gosh you sound awful, wouldn't want to be related you

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 22:37

Consent to cut the cord? I’ve heard it all now. Thank you whoever resurrected this thread, we’d probably have never been treated to that gem otherwise.

Batshit 😂😂😂😂😂

Hairday · 29/03/2023 23:04

The idea of obtaining consent from infants is dangerous. They can't consent. Pretending that they can undermines our duty of care to them. Sex offenders are always big on child consent, for example.

I'm not trying to suggest that anyone on here is a sex offender! But it does not empower anyone to pretend they are consenting when they are not.

Murdoch1949 · 30/03/2023 07:12

Ask someone who went in for a 3rd and got twins, I would have been grateful to anyone willing to change a nappy. Talking to a baby as we change nappies is something all parents etc do, but the vast majority are not seeking consent, just babbling away to them. I don't think I asked my children to consent to anything, I was firmly in charge.

Solonge · 30/03/2023 10:22

MrsJamesofSutton · 29/03/2023 16:53

Just coming back to respond to you @Solonge

What you describe is an extreme case and I would not brave enough to allow my child or indeed myself to ignore medical opinion. I would be guided by it as all bets about my personal ideas of child rearing would be secondary in the case that you describe.

My methods are for day to day life and I wouldn't dream of insisting that they take precedence over the situation you describe.

No, not extreme at all and kids are diagnosed with cancer every day. Ive witnessed a child ask for her leg to be amputated when her parents were looking for any other treatment. The child was 12 and said she would rather live without a leg than risk not living at all. Believe me its hard giving some treatments to kids, like chemo, that they hate, makes them vomit and feel so ill. We can play around with ideas of consent, but its a contentious issue.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2023 12:19

MrsJamesofSutton · 29/03/2023 16:20

I'm glad it's given you all a laugh.😥

It is really acknowledgement that the child has, from the beginning, a right to be consulted about what happens to their own body. As a baby, this is done using non verbal language and-as in the case of the cord where it had to be cut regardless of anyone's wish-acknowledgement that it was something that was being done to his own body.

For us, it was a bonding uniquely special moment and the midwife-far short of laughing-said she thought it was a beautiful idea and that she would be facilitating other new mums to have the chance to do this-as well as telling her colleagues so that they could do the same.

I think it is the word 'consent' that is causing such hilarity but swap 'consent' for acknowledging or taking notice of and I think a lot of us are on the same page-after all babies aren't non sentient beings or pets.

Anyway, that's my opinion. I realised immediately after posting that this is a stupidly old thread but if the OP is still around, then I hope she is doing well.

You asked his permission to do something Z

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2023 12:38

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2023 12:19

You asked his permission to do something Z

Show quote history

Gosh I just be an abusive bitch.
DS was pulled from my body 5 weeks early, resuscitated, ventilated, cannulated, pumped full of drugs, then cut open. Had foreign bodied stitched into him, all without sitting there in calming bodies asking him if he was OK with it all. And when he stopped pooping at 10 months I didn't ask him if he wanted to go to the hospital, be xrayed, be cut open and have parts of himself cut away. Be restitched abcxut open twice again, I didn't ask him if we minded reinflating his lung or fitting a feeding tube.

Let's not kid ourselves. Babies don't understand enough to consent. They don't understand enough to feel acknowledged. You're overriding their "decision" to suit your agenda which surely if you want them to truly feel part of the decision you just can't do.
DS is 7, he'd probably say no if he had true consent to his milk feeds and meds. As it is, he understands he can choose when etc, but he cannot not do it. That is not an option for him to consent to.

Shefliesonherownwings · 30/03/2023 13:05

This thread made the papers by the way.

Dsantil71 · 31/03/2023 15:01

I do see where you are coming from. If I was in that situation I would have been upset too but not for the same reason. Your MIL just took your baby & changed him assuming he need it. What if he was just hungry instead? That's what pissed me off, she didn't even think to ask you, his mother if he was crying cause he was hungry or wet.

I think you may have certain issues that need to be addressed, I'm not a professional but to me one issue sounds like fear of your child being abused due to you being abused, the other one sounds like a control issue over your child, maybe ocd tendencies. Again I could be totally off base & wrong.

I do think the best way to clear up this issue of you wanting anyone including your MIL to ask for consent to change your child's nappy is for you to 1st talk to your husband bout it. Tell him that this is very important to you as a mother. If you get certain feelings like anxiety due to it, tell him! Tell him you are a 1st time mother and this will ease any bad feelings regarding this situation for you. The next step will be for your husband to talk to his friends, family members & mom & tell them that from now on they need to ask your permission to change your child's nappy. If they don't want to then fine, no nappy changes for them. It will be up to you to talk to your friends & family members.

As for whatever other things your MIL is doing that is upseting you, you need to TALK to your husband asap about them. Write down specific instances & how they make you feel. Make house rules like people have to call & ask if they can come over. Don't let MIL slide by that too by only calling your husband. Your husband has to let you know asap too! Your husband can't read your mind! It's up to you to make the changes that will make you happy! Hope that helps.

Craig32935 · 31/03/2023 15:03

Consent for a baby? I won't pretend to know what a baby feels when it poops itself, but I imagine at that moment, all it would care about is having that stinky mush pressed against itself GONE. This seems more like a passive-aggressive thing directed at the MIL that you are trying to pass off as a baby's privacy-consent issue.

JMSA · 31/03/2023 18:53

You're being precious and ridiculous.

Elis111111 · 02/04/2023 09:23

I just feel so sorry for the grandparents. They are the ones acting normal here.

You say that it would be ok, if YOU needed a babysitter, for someone else to change the diaper, when you’re not even home……but not the grandparents when you’re standing right next to them? So this sounds more like you want everyone to know that you decide exactly when and who is allowed to handle the baby? You want people to ask you for permission, right? It’s not about consent at all, if it was you wouldn’t consider allowing a babysitter do it if you’re not home.

Seems like this is more about you than the baby, and it also seems that your using the baby to control people around you. Don’t do that.

When I had my children I made an effort so that everyone on both my side and my husbands side felt involved, as it is good for the child to have that family network. I wouldn’t go out of of my way to make them feel like they needed to walk on egg shells around me.

This is one of my nightmares, that one of my children will meet a partner that would make it this hard for us to have a good relationship with both our adult child, the partner and their children. I would try not to interfere and not give advice that is not asked for of course, but when these types of rules are created, rules that are unreasonable, it would make it almost impossible to do anything around them without being afraid of breaking some rule. That would just be so sad.

Lazyj · 06/05/2023 07:18

This is the most ridiculous thing I've read.

Solonge · 06/05/2023 13:48

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 10:09

I think just to clarify I put this thread up just to gauge opinion I never had ago at MIL and I do think she’s a safe person I just think it’s inappropriate to take it upon yourself to change a baby

hense the reason I posted to genuinely see if it’s just me being a tiny bit ott.

as someone pointed out she just has a different way of doing things than my own DM which isn’t necessarily wrong

i wasn’t upset by her changing my baby if I had a big issue with it or with something im definitely not afraid to say so nor do I have an issue with her occasionally she can be annoying but so can my own DM

I never said she crossed a line with changing a nappy just that I was considering drawing a line.

half the people on here are yelling because I apparently hate her, because I like my baby to be happy during changes and talk to him and the rest because I prefer my baby to want to go to someone before I let them hold him

Show quote history

I think its clear that most people think your reaction and ideas are pretty unusual. When you have had four kids I would be interested to hear your own reaction to your post. If you are not happy for people close to you to change baby without you first giving permission, then tell them directly you want them to ask.