AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

[Sandysandwich]

If you hadn't told her before about your (very unusual) rule about who can change your baby and when, then you are being unreasonable.

I would not think to ask permission to change a 4 month old that I was related to, same as I wouldn't ask permission to wipe their chin if they spit up milk or to put on their cardigan if they are cold. I wouldn't just hand them over to their nearest parent whenever the baby needed anything. Surely if you were stood there and didn't stop her to say "oh its alright, I like to change her myself" then she would have no reason to think that you didn't like it.

Babies are helpless and there is a difference between practical essential touch like dressing and nappy changing, and emotional essential touch like cuddling etc

Nobody is going to be able to guess your (very unusual) rules about who can touch your children and in most other families, her changing the baby would be accepted and welcomed. If you are going to have weird rules you have to enforce them, not just stand there silently angry and whinge about it later.

[londonrach]

Yabu and vvvv strange.

[Jenbyfish]

Going to go against the grain here...

For me the issue would be that MIL stepped in without seeking any kind of permission from you (from a politeness aspect at the least) since you were right there and clearly able to do it yourself. Your baby is still so young, I would say anything like that should be parent-led. If you're not comfortable with it, regardless of the underlying reasons, you're the parent and should have final say, as with any other aspect of parenting. However, maybe it would help if you consciously created an opportunity for MIL (or any of the grandparents) another time - when you know baby needs a change and she's there, you could ask if she'd mind changing them for you - it might help you feel more in control of the situation and gradually get used to the idea of extended family having more input into baby's cares.

FTM and due to my own birth/baby experience I get that sometimes others are well-meaning with certain things but it can feel like an overstep to you. In my case, no-one's changed my baby yet besides me and my partner (and not offered either btw) and I like it that way for now, but it helps that mine is generally happy being changed and so I view it as another bonding experience.

Give it time OP and try to find a way to frame MIL helping more positively, but also don't feel like you need to rush other people doing baby's cares if you prefer this is something you do yourself for now.

[SandieCollins]

@Mum070322

I 100% don’t think my baby is at risk but at the same time my own mum wouldn’t change a nappy unless I wasn’t there and would otherwise ask if I want her to change the baby

obviously for some reason consent parenting is controversial but it’s not about the baby giving consent it’s about setting standards early the same way I expect grandparents to ask my baby for a cuddle not just go to grab him even while young babies have a preference for who’s holding them and I only let people hold my baby when he wants to go to them.

my baby also doesn’t enjoy nappy changes and I try to make them positive experience ie. i don’t just continue when he’s crying I calm him down first.

Blimey, the world is getting weirder. It does seem to go some way to explaining why some young people now have such unusual attitudes and approaches to their relationship with the world around them.

[Goatsanddogs]

I can also understand about the cuddling bit. Op you don’t want you baby being cuddled when he doesn’t want a cuddle. We are able to say no if we don’t want someone touching us, a baby can’t and the mother is just looking out for her baby.

Same with kissing a baby, as much as we grandparents adore cuddling and kissing our grandchildren, they might not want it. I wait for mine to come to me for cuddles and my daughter said from the outset to only kiss on the top of the head.

[oobeedoobee]

OP ,this has got to be some kind of a wind up ??

What utter crap is this about 'consent' ? A child cannot give 'consent' ffs, because they don't have autonomy or critical thinking !

Even when they're 'older' and the bit about asking for cuddles ? LOL !

Exactly what are you planning to do when your DC 'decides' that Nope, I WON'T eat or drink, and I WON'T stop scribbling on the wall, and I WON'T stop screaming and yelling while hitting Mummy because I DON'T want to go to bed !

You'll soon realise that giving a toddler the option of saying 'No' whenever they want to will simply be pure hell for you and your partner, never mind the grandparents...

You are a 'parent', so be a parent, and not your DC's 'best pal' or 'enabler' ffs...

[hattie43]

@rwalker

No offence but you sound like you have some serious is please don’t pass theses on to your child

Exactly what I was thinking .

[Heanso]

I think it was cheeky of her to go ahead and change the nappy while you were right there without so much as asking first. People (esp Mils) are territorial about babies and it's fine for you to draw boundaries, you don't have to accept any behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable no matter how much people try to pressure you

[BackT]

And people wonder how we have ended up with a "snowflake" generation 😵‍💫

[LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL]

@Heanso

I think it was cheeky of her to go ahead and change the nappy while you were right there without so much as asking first. People (esp Mils) are territorial about babies and it's fine for you to draw boundaries, you don't have to accept any behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable no matter how much people try to pressure you

So women go from being perfect, to wrong when they become MILs? I hope you're treated badly when you become a MIL!

[Zezet]

I am not sure you realise this makes you sound a bit unhinged.

You need to let this go, and then some.

[Toomuch2019]

YABU. Massively.

If this is even real?

She was doing something nice for her grandchild who needed a nappy change and to help you. This is not an overbearing MIL issue, there is either something else going on under the surface or you have some broader issues which you need to sort out. And yes I understand the concept of telling your baby what you are doing but this is something else

[GalactatingGoddess]

I don't think there's an issue with grandparents changing your baby, if they are safe and reliable people. However maybe if your DC was crying it would have been better for them to let you soothe them first and then ask if they could change.

[ClingyClingy]

What is 'consent parenting'?

Sorry OP but I echo everybody else. I can't believe you're close to drawing a line with your poor mil as she changed a nappy
God wait til you have a wriggling toddler who constantly shouts 'no!' while you wrestle him out of a shitty nappy! Consent will go out the window then

And this will come back and bite you when you need help from family members with your DC and find that because they've been kept at arms length, your baby is comfortable being left with them
Honestly this is one of the most pfb posts I've seen in a while

[ClingyClingy]

*isn't comfortable!

[findingsomeone]

I do actually find it weird people offering to change nappies. No grandparents have ever offered but that suits me tbh. If a friend offered I'd let them, but we very rarely see GPs so I'd say the relationship isn't there to want them doing such things. I know people in the local corner shop better sadly.

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Rafting2022

Is this just an excuse to have another thread painting MILs in a bad light?

If it is, it's backfired quite spectacularly!!

it's not the MIL, that's looking like the problem!!

[Annigolden]

I would have loved a relative on hand to change the occasional nappy. Feel sorry for your MIL. She probably thought she was helping.

[ClingyClingy]

Sorry but this sprang to mind when OP says she asks the baby to change a nappy

[Hadjab]

@Mum070322

Obviously you’re unable to read asking him was clearly about cuddles.

so no he doesn’t just sit in shit… but I do communicate with him when I’m going to change his nappy

This is your first baby, isn’t it?

[Basilthymerosemary]

Omg wait until you discover the toddler nappy stage before they are potty trained!! 😂🤣😂

Toddler: did a poo
OP: can I change your nappy?
Toddler: no. Not change nappy (happily runs away)
OP: ok

OP then doesn't change nappy as no consent. Toddler develops nappy rash due to not having nappy change. Toddler is irritable and just plain miserable but keeps saying no as they don't understand dirty nappies lead to nappy rash.

OP: what do you do now?

[wibblywobblybits]

lol PFB

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@findingsomeone

I do actually find it weird people offering to change nappies. No grandparents have ever offered but that suits me tbh. If a friend offered I'd let them, but we very rarely see GPs so I'd say the relationship isn't there to want them doing such things. I know people in the local corner shop better sadly.

Why is it weird to help someone out?

it's bloody relentless changing nappies.

You'd 'let' a friend 🤣🤣🤣they're doing it to help you out, not because it's an enormously fun activity FGS.

[ChobKnees]

You sound like an absolute fruitloop, sorry!

[WooNoodle]

I understand where you are coming from. You need to step in. If she tries to change it you need to say oh no I do the nappy changes but thank you. And if she starts to insist then get firmer.