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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

535 replies

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 03:11

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

OP posts:
TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 18/08/2022 06:53

WooNoodle · 18/08/2022 06:51

I understand where you are coming from. You need to step in. If she tries to change it you need to say oh no I do the nappy changes but thank you. And if she starts to insist then get firmer.

As🤣🤣🤣🤣

jesus fucking wept.

there's a sock or a bowl full.

PumpkinClementina · 18/08/2022 06:54

🦇💩

Cognacsoft · 18/08/2022 06:57

@Mum070322 I can see both sides tbf.
My dgc is 4 months and if the parents are there I would automatically ask do you want me to change the baby?
It’s just polite not to take over.
Im guessing your mil is being helpful but also thinks she has the right to make a decision without referring to you which is what’s really annoyed you.

Sceptre86 · 18/08/2022 06:58

I feel sad for your mil as she was clearly only trying to help and your behaviour will push her away. Lots of babies cry when they get their nappy changed, my son did. The easiest thing to do was not to faff around but quickly get it done did I talk to him whilst I was doing it most of the time, probably yes but it still wouldn't always soothe him. It had to be done so I got on with it.

You should explain your parenting approach to her and ask that she not change them going forward at least then she knows where she stands, just don't ever expect her to babysit. As parents we totally have the right to set out our own parenting standards and your choices need to be respected even if she or anyone else thinks it is batshit.

MissTrip82 · 18/08/2022 06:59

oobeedoobee · 18/08/2022 06:33

OP ,this has got to be some kind of a wind up ??

What utter crap is this about 'consent' ? A child cannot give 'consent' ffs, because they don't have autonomy or critical thinking !

Even when they're 'older' and the bit about asking for cuddles ? LOL !

Exactly what are you planning to do when your DC 'decides' that Nope, I WON'T eat or drink, and I WON'T stop scribbling on the wall, and I WON'T stop screaming and yelling while hitting Mummy because I DON'T want to go to bed !

You'll soon realise that giving a toddler the option of saying 'No' whenever they want to will simply be pure hell for you and your partner, never mind the grandparents...

You are a 'parent', so be a parent, and not your DC's 'best pal' or 'enabler' ffs...

You’ve gone way too far here.

It most certainly is the case that older children should be asked if they want to kiss/cuddle relatives. ‘lol’ really?

This is actually basic teaching about consent. You can read about it in many mainstream safeguarding guides.

SherbetDips · 18/08/2022 07:00

I’m sorry but you ask your baby permission before changing his nappy? Of all the things I’ve heard this tops it as the stupidest.

00100001 · 18/08/2022 07:01

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 04:46

Obviously you’re unable to read asking him was clearly about cuddles.

so no he doesn’t just sit in shit… but I do communicate with him when I’m going to change his nappy

Show quote history

But your baby can't consent to cuddles.

By asking a baby for a cuddle, and them not being able to consent, and then giving a cuddle anyway is not respecting the baby's consent choice.

Pretend that you asked an adult for a cuddle, they didn't respond, because they only speak Martian.and so you cuddle them anyway. Did they give consent for the cuddle? No. But you did it anyway.

Hillsidehigh · 18/08/2022 07:05

How fucking ridiculous

HillyBillyBob · 18/08/2022 07:06

Basilthymerosemary · 18/08/2022 06:49

Omg wait until you discover the toddler nappy stage before they are potty trained!! 😂🤣😂

Toddler: did a poo
OP: can I change your nappy?
Toddler: no. Not change nappy (happily runs away)
OP: ok

OP then doesn't change nappy as no consent. Toddler develops nappy rash due to not having nappy change. Toddler is irritable and just plain miserable but keeps saying no as they don't understand dirty nappies lead to nappy rash.

OP: what do you do now?

LOL

00100001 · 18/08/2022 07:06

I'm actually all for giving children the choice for consent... where appropriate.

I always ask a child if I can have a cuddle and respect their choice. And word itnso "how would you like to say goodbye? Wave? First bump? High five?" Etc

But yes, with nappy changing,it's more of a 'letting them know'. "Ok, it stone to change your nappy. Do you want to help?"

SlagathaChristie · 18/08/2022 07:10

"for some reason consent parenting is controversial" - because asking your baby permission to do anything is only about making yourself feel better, not about the baby, and because kids have a habit of saying "no" to good things and "yes" to e.g. staying filthy, eating chicken nuggets 3 times a day etc.

WRT trying to calm your baby before a change, being annoyed that grandmother carried on while baby cried - did you not go and distract baby while she changed him? Babies generally hate being changed. Seems a good opportunity for teamwork, rather than being annoyed on the sidelines. I love it when my mum, dh, whoever, comes and shakes a rattle etc while I change my 4 month old. Usually stops the tears. Usually.

Pinkypie86 · 18/08/2022 07:11

Dear lord..

All babies cry when having their nappy changed it doesn't need to be a long, drawn out experience.
You change the baby, pick them up and it's forgotten.

Your darling baby wont remember the first 3/4 years of life so, making it a positive experience is ridiculous. You simply get on with it.

If you don't want anyone to change your baby, you can say " excuse me MIL, I'll change little Timmy " it's not hard for the word "No" to come out of your mouth.
I wish my life was as dull and mundane as yours for this to be all you worry about.

Yes YABVU.

WooNoodle · 18/08/2022 07:11

00100001 · 18/08/2022 07:06

I'm actually all for giving children the choice for consent... where appropriate.

I always ask a child if I can have a cuddle and respect their choice. And word itnso "how would you like to say goodbye? Wave? First bump? High five?" Etc

But yes, with nappy changing,it's more of a 'letting them know'. "Ok, it stone to change your nappy. Do you want to help?"

I agree with this. The foundations for learning about consent start now. Treat them as you would a patient unable to speak and look after themselves. With respect and explaining what you are doing.

Sparklybanana · 18/08/2022 07:12

Come back to us when you've got multiple children and you've changed more nappies than have had hot dinners.
Babies don't care. What are you going to do when your baby is a toddler and you say 'can I change your nappy?' And they run away screaming "no no no". Its going to happen. Do you not change their nappy because they haven't given consent? No. You do your job as a parent to put your knowledge of life so you can make them comfortable, just as your mil was doing. I understand it feels weird, the first time someone else does something with your child but you can't control everything. If you do then that won't benefit your child. Yabu.

Sirzy · 18/08/2022 07:14

I am all for asking children for consent when it comes to things like cuddles when they are older but the OP taking it to the extremes of using this as a tool against a caring grandparent changing a nappy is extreme.

Vallmo47 · 18/08/2022 07:15

You’re perfectly entitled to feel however you feel about your MIL OP but, gently, I think you need to consider whether she’s a risk to your baby. If she isn’t, I’m sure she’d just like to feel part and enjoy every aspect of having a grandchild- this includes feeding if possible and also nappy changes. I’m sure she meant to be helpful.

Seen long term, you need to get your baby used to other people doing things for them. You are making a rod for your own back if you don’t. When baby goes to child minder or has a babysitter, you want nappy changes to be as calm as possible. Don’t teach your child to be scared of these, they’re very normal. The reason I say you’re teaching them to be scared is because you stop everything you’re doing to cuddle and reassure. You can be reassuring by speaking gently to your baby and making smiley, funny faces while changing them. Maybe try singing a lullaby. My kids always shut up when I started singing because they enjoyed it (crazy obviously, but there you go).

Having grandparents is a privilege to children, it’s an important relationship. Give your baby a chance to get to know and love theirs.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 18/08/2022 07:15

This is ridiculous
If the grandparents are safe to be around your child they are safe enough to change nappy.
If they're not safe enough to be around your child that's different.
You do realise they have experience of bringing up a child? You must have thought they did a reasonable job if you married their child!

ivfbabymomma1 · 18/08/2022 07:18

Overbearing for changing 1 nappy?!

pinkfondu · 18/08/2022 07:18

No1 if you are serious then you need to learn to speak out.

No2 99% of people communicate that they are going to change the nappy

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/08/2022 07:18

its a family member changing your sons nappy- I don’t get the issue. You want to ask your son for consent over everything then be my guest but
1- simple tasks will take forever
2- you may be surprised but some kids don’t know what’s good for them
3- what will you do when he says no: no to school, no the dentist….

MissyB1 · 18/08/2022 07:18

Hmmm second weird thread I’ve read this morning about In laws and changing/toileting kids…..

Quia · 18/08/2022 07:19

helogast · 18/08/2022 04:42

Your MIL should not have assumed that it was ok to change your baby's nappy. She should have said something along the lines of 'is it ok to go ahead and change him' or 'would you like me to change him for you' particularly the first time.

As you have said, this isn't anything to do with you trusting her, it is your preference which you are completely entitled to. Some mums are more sensitive about these type of things than others and you know what, that is completely ok! You feel how you feel and you shouldn't need the validation of others. The thing you should have done however was to step in and not let her do it. You could have politely said, 'thank you, but I would prefer to change him' and that should have been that.

You should put your boundaries in on things like this and explain what they are at an appropriate time. If anyone doesn't respect those boundaries then it's their problem not yours but you need to communicate them clearly. This is key to a healthy relationship with her going forwards otherwise resentment will build if you are sitting there watching her doing things you would prefer to be doing.

I don't think that's correct. If one parent is more "sensitive" about nappy changes than others, it is not necessarily "completely OK" to impose those sensitivities on the baby, not least because you're liable to start giving the baby hang-ups which ultimately will only make his life more difficult.

willithappen · 18/08/2022 07:20

Some harsh responses here and deliberate misunderstanding of OP it seems

I don't think she's once suggested she wants consent from baby for others to change her

The issue is very clearly about MIL taking charge and deciding to change baby without any mention to mum. I'd be annoyed too. No issue with MIL doing it but generally I'd expect a 'I can change them if you'd like' type comment and not to just take baby and do what you want whilst mum is there

Quia · 18/08/2022 07:20

my baby also doesn’t enjoy nappy changes and I try to make them positive experience ie. i don’t just continue when he’s crying I calm him down first.

Does it occur to you he might be crying because he's uncomfortable and he would be calmed down more quickly if you sort that out as your first priority?

welshweasel · 18/08/2022 07:21

You sound totally nuts! What the hell are you going to do when your toddler does at want their nappy changed, or to put suncream on, or to take medicine, or get dressed, or hold your hand by a busy road? Presumably you’ll be ignoring them and doing it anyway, as it is in their best interests? A 4 month old baby doesn’t consent for a nappy change! My friends and relatives would always change nappies/wipe faces/take to the toilet etc, as I would with their kids. MIL was trying to be nice!