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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

535 replies

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 03:11

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

OP posts:
MummyElsie · 18/08/2022 07:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Herejustforthisone · 18/08/2022 07:22

Oh. Wow.

Herejustforthisone · 18/08/2022 07:23

I’ve literally pinned my toddler down to change his nappy…

Changedmynamefor · 18/08/2022 07:23

Genuine question - do you seek your baby’s consent before putting them to bed? I get the general idea about asking them/involving them in choices, but IMO, certain things are essential for their well-being that are your responsibility and that includes changing nappies and going to sleep and whether they like it or not, these things have to happen. You can do it gently, but they are not a choice IYSWIM and it feels like you are setting it up to feel like it is?

COS2102 · 18/08/2022 07:26

I'm going against the grain here and saying that I feel the same but I think for different reasons? It makes me uncomfortable if someone were to change my child's nappy whilst I was there but more so because I think I'm the parent and if I'm there and available then why wouldn't I do it? My husband feels the same way...we would never feel comfortable eith someone else doing it while we are in the room.

We equally wouldn't change a nappy in a room full of family/friends because we toilet in private so changing a nappy seems like a private thing too I guess.

Thankfully our youngest has potty trained now so we don't have that frustration anymore but I do share your feeling that if you or your partner are there and available then it should always be assumed that you would change the nappy before someone else.

worriedatthistime · 18/08/2022 07:29

Ive heard it all now , babied also cry , you will have to sometimes just change a nappy even when they are crying and many many other things
Maybe come back in 2 years and lets see how its all going then , if you are going to stop everything every time your baby cry's

EllaPaella · 18/08/2022 07:29

MissyB1 · 18/08/2022 07:18

Hmmm second weird thread I’ve read this morning about In laws and changing/toileting kids…..

I thought so to. Reported.

3pmonaSaturday · 18/08/2022 07:30

Reading your other threads I think you should be focusing on more important priorities, rather than whether your MiL changes a nappy - which is frankly a non-issue.

FurAndFeathers · 18/08/2022 07:31

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 04:46

Obviously you’re unable to read asking him was clearly about cuddles.

so no he doesn’t just sit in shit… but I do communicate with him when I’m going to change his nappy

Show quote history

But you’re ok to set aside all of your principles of consent when it’s convenient for you to be elsewhere and you want a babysitter to look after him?
it’s just trusted family manners you aren’t willing to be flexible towards?
why is that @Mum070322 ?

it doesn’t sound as if the principles are that important to you if you’re willing to allow childcare workers to do stuff like this but not close family members - it seems as if controlling the behaviour of your family is what this is really about.

startfresh · 18/08/2022 07:32

Tbh I completely agree, I see that many don't. I think parents and carers.

I would also find it bizarre if my mil just took my dc to change them.

But I've seen what close family members can do to babies/children, so as well as teaching my dc about consent from a young age, I'm very much in the lines of nobody who doesn't need to should be changing my dc. It then reduces the possibility of anything happening, along with the regret if anything did happen.

Just because they're your in laws, doesn't mean you know them. Same with your own family, the amount of people surprised by their siblings/parents/children/partners committing crimes with the old "I never believed they would do that"

Neverendingdust · 18/08/2022 07:33

Your poor MIL and anyone else in the family that would naturally want to help you. All I’ll say is thank god I’m not a relative, it must be extremely difficult dealing with that level of paranoia without saying something.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 18/08/2022 07:33

Holy shit …

Is it some sort of woke thing now to ask babies for a consent before a nappy change?

What becoming a mother does to some people 😱

rainbowstardrops · 18/08/2022 07:34

3pmonaSaturday · 18/08/2022 07:30

Reading your other threads I think you should be focusing on more important priorities, rather than whether your MiL changes a nappy - which is frankly a non-issue.

I agree.
OP also needs to decide how old her baby is.

JudgeJ · 18/08/2022 07:34

WimpoleHat · 18/08/2022 03:47

I don’t understand the logic here. If you’re genuinely worried about privacy and consent in these matters, then surely nursery must be a total no go?

It seems that it's OK when it's for the OP's convenience but not OK when she can make an issue of it.

I wonder if her partner's MIL is allowed the privilege of nappy changing?

Bubblebubblebah · 18/08/2022 07:34

2023
"Why is no one helping when we need just few hours of childcare😭"

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/08/2022 07:35

Do you know what, it makes me really sad when people have this attitude.

A helpful MIL was probably thinking she’d do it because you change 8 nappies a day and are sick of it. And you’re implying there’s something nefarious about it. It’s her grandson!

What the first time yummy mummy brigade forget is that these women weren’t born the fuddy duddy old bores you think they are. She will have changed a lot more nappies than you ever have, she knows more about looking after and raising children, but you clip clop along, the first woman to ever give birth, and act like changing a nappy is a sacred act deigned by the Gods that only you and your DH are fit to carry out.

Getting precious about nappy changes is perhaps the most bonkers thing I’ve heard this year. If you’re this controlling and overbearing about your child you are fucked when he starts school.

BigFatLiar · 18/08/2022 07:36

Remember your MiL changed your DH's nappy so its not new to her. She wanted to be helpful. If you don't want het to tell her. I suspect she doesn't want to be just here for the cuddles MiL but a helpful one.

PurpleWisteria · 18/08/2022 07:38

You are being far too precious and utterly unreasonable.

WooNoodle · 18/08/2022 07:38

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 18/08/2022 06:53

As🤣🤣🤣🤣

jesus fucking wept.

there's a sock or a bowl full.

Show quote history

Well I'm glad other people on this thread understand where I'm coming from.

worriedatthistime · 18/08/2022 07:39

@startfresh OP was right there next to them and whilst we should seek caution we can't live Assuming the worst about everyone
Plus do you never have to leave your child ever ? I mean how far do you go do you really know your dh or partner because many times it can be the actual parent

WooNoodle · 18/08/2022 07:39

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 18/08/2022 07:33

Holy shit …

Is it some sort of woke thing now to ask babies for a consent before a nappy change?

What becoming a mother does to some people 😱

It's not woke. It's respectful. If you were changing an adults nappy you would speak to them and explain what you were doing.

Libre2 · 18/08/2022 07:39

I think, with all due respect, you might look back on the whole consent thing and cringe a little bit. Like when I made people wash their hands before holding my pfb. I assume I was slightly crazy with lack of sleep or whatever.

gogohmm · 18/08/2022 07:39

If this is concerning you then I really fear for whatever other crazy notions you hold - it's changing a nappy that's all, hygiene. I suggest you speak to a health professional about your anxiety

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/08/2022 07:40

You expect family members to ask your 6mo for cuddles?! 😂

Sorry OP but they’re laughing their heads off about you both in the car when they leave.

You need to get over this consent thing. Wait til he’s at nursery and other kids are licking his face and sticking their fingers in his mouth. Or cuddling and kissing him. These micro managed expectations are not a healthy way to parent and if you don’t loosen up now you’ve got a tough parenting journey ahead of you

worriedatthistime · 18/08/2022 07:40

I fo generally worry for my teenagers in this current world , I really do