...to insist on getting a family pet if my husband doesn’t want one?

[Pickmeup78]

I always wanted a cat growing up, but my parents didn’t allow it. Now I’m an adult with 2 children (7 and 9), who would both love to have a cat and so do I. We live in a house with garden, in a green London neighbourhood and I work from home so would have plenty of time to look after a cat.

However. My husband (who did grow up with cats) doesn’t want one. He thinks they smell, especially their litter tray, and he’s against all the meat that goes into cat food production - so he’s against it from a personal and an environmental perspective.

We’ve had several discussions about adopting a cat in the past, and I’ve always given up arguing my points (ie. always wanted a cat myself, would be lovely for the kids to have one) just to keep the peace.

But now, with so many unwanted cats up for adoption in our local cat shelter, I feel like I just want to go for it. I’ve signed up with the shelter, and made an appointment for a pre-adoption meeting.

I would obvs discuss it again with husband before actually getting it, but am thinking about putting everything in place and finding a suitable cat at the shelter beforehand. I expect that we‘ll have a big row, he will be in a massive a huff, I will plead that I will take full responsibility for the cat, and he will finally give in - very reluctantly so.

Am I being unreasonable to push this through and finally get a furry friend? Or am I out of order?

This thread has confirmed my belief that MN is the worst place for relationship advice.

Seriously OP, of course you shouldn't get a family pet if your husband doesn't want one! I can't believe that grown, married women are suggesting you do.

No, I am not a cat person, though I wouldn't hurt a cat, and I like animals and interacting with them in general. I carefully itemised all the ways that living in a house with cats was stressful for me and made living in that place less comfortable for me, to show to someone who's a "cat person" what it can mean for someone to find it uncomfortable living with cats day to day. I didn't mind doing it temporarily as a favour but wouldn't want it imposed on me permanently in my own home. It really doesn't matter whether you think I am creating the stress for myself through rules(?) — the point is that this should not be forced on someone by their partner.

Clumping, I'm not a cat person either

Oops, didn't finish that message! DP and I looked after 2 cats in their own home for friends a few years ago, and it was a similar experience to what Clumping describes. I wasn't a cat person before, and that experience did nothing to change my mind. DP loves cats but I've said I'm not prepared to have one in my home so that's that

Why does one family member's wishes overrule every other family member? And where does that end? Do the OP and DC only get to do and have the things the DH is happy about?!

Why does one family member's wishes overrule every other family member?

IMO not wanting to share your house with an animal would be a good example of when one family member's wishes should overrule everyone else.

Does not having a cat cause daily stress and discomfort and inconvenience for the cat-wanter? Or cause unagreed additional expense? Make holidays more difficult? What is being suffered by the person who wants a cat not having a cat, that's comparable to what would be suffered by the person who didn't want a cat having to live with them?

Unrelatedly, I don't agree with arguments upthread about how getting a cat would be unfair on the animal, though (unless there's a possibility it would be rehomed again when it becomes clear the DH hasn't magically fallen in love). Unless the DH is actually a nasty animal-abusing cunt (and to be fair from the descriptions of him he sounds like a controlling pillock but not necessarily someone who's cruel to animals), then it won't affect the cat. Cats don't mind being left to get on with their own thing most of the time, and prefer to get attention on their own terms at times of their choosing.

Although I would never, ever want to have a pet cat in my home, when I lived in my relative's home for several months to housesit and look after their cats, I fed the cats, groomed the longhaired one, gave them any medical treatments they needed, kept their litter clean, took them to the vets for their checkup, played with them, petted and fussed them and gave them attention when they wanted it, gently removed them from situations where necessary without hurting them, let them lie on top of me every time I lay on the sofa, and so on. I got to know them very well and liked them as individuals, took joy in the things about them that I did enjoy (because I'm an animal lover), and knew they couldn't help Being Cat because that's who they were. Those animals did not suffer one bit from being looked after by me (and I assume the cats Lotta looked after had the same experience), and when I visit my relative the cats seek me out in that diffident cat way.

So arguments about "don't inflict that on the poor cat" don't really work because unless they're being abused, and as long as someone in the house is looking after their needs, they'll be fine. They won't pick up on vibes and feel insecure because someone in the house doesn't like living with cats.

I don't think there's ever an occasion when one family member's wishes should overrule everyone else's, unless it's going to have truly catastrophic (no pun intended) consequences.

I think you have to agree on getting a pet, it isn't fair to inflict one on someone or to bring a pet into a home where one of the adults doesn't want it.

Perhaps there is a compromise position? How about an outdoor pet? A pair of rabbits or guinea pigs? Chickens? A pet that lives in a cage or tank?

Please just stop it with recommending rabbits. They are more expensive, more commitment and a lot more difficult than a cat.

They are not cage animals, they need loads of space, yearly vaccinations, vet trips when they decide to stop eating and are the most neglected pet in the UK. They need to be in pairs which means twice the neutering, they often are flighty and don't like being picked up and are not a good pet.

I voted YABU.

As a compromise, could it be set up that your DH has to not engage with the cat at all in terms of its upkeep, care and cost?

I am well aware of the requirements of rabbits, and you will note that I listed them separately from caged pets. You will also see that I specifically said a pair.

They are tricky to care for properly but that doesn't necessarily mean that OP is an unsuitable owner for a pair of rabbits which could be homed via a responsible rescue so there is adequate home checking and support.

They could be entirely suitable for the OP and her DH. They aren't meat eaters and can be kept outside the house safely and responsibly, like my friend who volunteers with a rabbit rescue who uses a whole shed for her rabbits rather than a hutch and also has a secure area in the garden fo them with free access during the day.

I suggested that OP discuss/research/consider alternatives to cats not that she went and bought a pet with no research.

Why should his view come up trumps?

I'd tell him to do one and that he is free to leave if he does not like the cat.

I'm quite sure that I could think of other examples but this is a particularly good example because views on living with animals can be very strongly held.

And in that case forcing someone to live with an animal when they don't want to is quiet an extreme action.

I appreciate that for those who are animal lovers its difficult to understand that not everyone shares that view.

I could not live with one. Fortunately my DH shares that view so its not an issue for us personally.

Do you really think that a family should break up and a person have to leave home - for a cat?
Crikey.

Do you really think that a family should break up and a person have to leave home - for a cat?

No. I think they should reconsider their options because a man is dictating what they can (or cannot do) based on his own whims.

But cats are better than men.

But you think it's fine for OP to dictate that her DH live with a cat based on her whims?

The OP wants a cat. The children want a cat.

Frankly, in her position, I'd get a cat.

Worked for me :) (except I got two).

I would never live in a house with a cat. It would be a relationship deal-breaker for me.

If my OH did this, I would divorce them. Couldn't bear any pet being in the house.

I think having a pet has to be something everyone in the house wants. It will impact everyone. Animals are a big part of my life so I wouldn’t be with someone like your husband but presumably you knew he wasn’t an animal person when you met him. The cat will potentially disturb his sleep, scratch furniture, cost money, be sick, affect holiday plans, bring mice/birds into the house, need a litter tray and so cause a smell in the house at times. These things aren’t an issue if you really want a cat but if you don’t, they would be an issue.

He is very used to things going his way, and reacts really strongly to everything I suggest that is not his ‘thing’ e.g. cooking something that’s not what he likes even if I love it, watching I film that I’ve chosen that he’s not sure about (will make me turn it off even!)

Based on this though, he sounds really controlling. There’s a huge difference between saying no to an animal in the house with everything that brings, and controlling what you can eat and watch. He sounds awful.

For those suggesting an outdoor animal - we have a lot of foxes around, and I’m worried they’d give any rabbit or chicken we keep in the garden a heart attack.

And no, DH would not actually be hostile towards a cat if we had one, more disinterested I think. The smell is what bothers him the most, I think.

I might see if our local cat shelter does a foster scheme, which might allow us to see how we’d get on with a cat-housemate on a shorter term basis...meow!

Definitely YABU

Anyone considering getting a cat is being unreasonable. They kill what little wildlife we have left in this country.

When we met my husband told me he didn't want a pet or a child... so we compromised and we have a cat and a child 😂

It's a tough one OP, could you get him to agree to visit the shelter at least to discuss it?