...to insist on getting a family pet if my husband doesn’t want one?

[Pickmeup78]

I always wanted a cat growing up, but my parents didn’t allow it. Now I’m an adult with 2 children (7 and 9), who would both love to have a cat and so do I. We live in a house with garden, in a green London neighbourhood and I work from home so would have plenty of time to look after a cat.

However. My husband (who did grow up with cats) doesn’t want one. He thinks they smell, especially their litter tray, and he’s against all the meat that goes into cat food production - so he’s against it from a personal and an environmental perspective.

We’ve had several discussions about adopting a cat in the past, and I’ve always given up arguing my points (ie. always wanted a cat myself, would be lovely for the kids to have one) just to keep the peace.

But now, with so many unwanted cats up for adoption in our local cat shelter, I feel like I just want to go for it. I’ve signed up with the shelter, and made an appointment for a pre-adoption meeting.

I would obvs discuss it again with husband before actually getting it, but am thinking about putting everything in place and finding a suitable cat at the shelter beforehand. I expect that we‘ll have a big row, he will be in a massive a huff, I will plead that I will take full responsibility for the cat, and he will finally give in - very reluctantly so.

Am I being unreasonable to push this through and finally get a furry friend? Or am I out of order?

Completely unreasonable to contemplate getting a cat when your husband has explicitly said no.

Yes you are being unreasonable.

I totally understand how you feel. I would be so lonely without my dog BUT I don't think it's fair unless you both feel the same. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

Please don't. Its unfair to literally everyone except you in this situation...

This is a living animal your needs don't triumph anyone else's.

I can see both sides of the argument. I do think that both have to agree before getting a pet. Could you not get agree on a smaller animal for the time being? A rabbit, hamster etc

No you can’t get a cat without partners say so too as it’s both your house

If it helps my husband really really had his heart set on getting budgies (not the same as a cat I know) before we moved in and badgered me for ages to get one. We have two now and I am so in love with them and want more 😆

It's a cat not another baby. Why should the wants of one rule over rule the wants of three.

Don't. If it were something in a cage I might feel differently, but there is no way you can have a pet cat without everyone in the house having a pet cat, and he doesn't want one.

You really need to work out quite how against them he is. DH didn’t “want” a cat and has nothing to do with the cat we’ve now had for years - though of course he feeds it and has no issue that food, insurance, vets fees etc need to be paid for. They basically just ignore each other 😅 But that was more a “wouldn’t think to get one” than a “I really don’t want a cat”.

I think it’s fine for a smaller animal like a cat if someone is ambivalent, but not if they actively don’t like them or really don’t want one.

Completely unreasonable. Your children don't get a say - they can ask for a cat, but they have no idea of the reality of taking care of a cat, and it won't be them doing it so the answer is no. It's a decision for you and DH to make, and he has made his feelings clear. So no, don't start bullying and guilt tripping him into changing his mind. My DH loves cats but I'm not a fan. I would be FUMING if he was carrying on like you are

Could you not get agree on a smaller animal for the time being? A rabbit, hamster etc

Horrible idea. Talk about smell. Caged animals reek.

I consider myself very tolerant but it would be a deal breaker for me if my DH did this. It would show that he had a complete disregard for me if he was willing to try force me into a decision like this.
Why would you persist knowing he is so against it? I wouldn't get any joy from 'pushing through' and forcing someone into this
YABVU

Since you're going through a rescue, the cat exists and will be eating meat anyway, whether you're looking after it or not. In fact you could feed it food which is more eco-friendly and thus reduce its footprint.

But I'm not sure it's fair on the cat to make it live with a hostile human. Would he be nice to it or strenuously ignore it to make a point? Though tbh if he ignored it the cat would probably like him all the more for it!

I'm on the fence. I think it's unfair for you when you've wanted a cat all your life to never have one, also think it's unfair for someone else to be forced to have one. Shit situation!

My partner didn’t want a cat. He bloody loves him now we have him

Why should what your husband wants trump what you and the children want?

My husband didn't want a dog or a cat. He has one of each and he loves them. He would never admit it though.

YANBU.

Why does your husband's desire to not have a cat trump you and your DC's want for one? As far as I can see, it's 3 to 1.

Tell him cats don't need litter trays either. My mum has had cats all her life and none of them have used litter trays.

Why does one person in a household of four people get to decide that his wants and needs are more important than the other 3 peoples?

We ended up getting cats by accident when the neighbours cats kept coming around to ours because they were afraid of the dog. She finally said she was organising to rehome them and dh asked could we take them as I’d suggested it a number of times. He is not a cat person but has totally changed BUT given the upheaval it is (when we’re even doing a day trip we have to get someone to look in), if he hadn’t been the one suggesting it I wouldn’t have said anything. It actually is life changing, and the fact that your dh has experience of cats (who can be little shits- bringing in dead mice and killing birds and my friend’s cat pees everywhere), I’d say you really can’t(sorry!!)

You shouldn't get one without him being on board, it's very unfair and he'd be justified in being angry. Though I agree with PP that he'd probably fall in love with it once it was brought home. If his arguments are about smell and meat then can you deal with those by investigating litter and food products to minimise both?

This sounds as if a husband should make all the rules?! And to say she would be unreasonable to even contemplate this sounds like we're in the 1950s. Silly woman, wanting a cat! What would her husband think!

It would show that he had a complete disregard for me if he was willing to try force me into a decision like this.

But you not allowing a cat just because of your feelings shows that you have complete disregard for your partner and children, who do want one. You are also forcing your want to not have one on them. That also seems selfish.

Same.

Would you rather have your current DH, or a cat?
Because it seems you might end up with just one, if he really is dead against it.

I certainly would be prepared to leave my husband if he secretly got a pet without consulting me, asking my opinion, or ignoring my wishes and just getting it anyway.

It isn't the cat, itself, which he may well grow to adore, but the principle that you are saying "Fuck him, I'm going to get it anyway".

I couldn't accept that level of disrespect and disdain.

I think if you're serious about getting a cat you should warn him and say 'Look is this a deal breaker? Would you leave us over a cat?' If you're so set on having a cat, knowing he is dead against it, you need to be prepared for the possible outcomes imo.