...to insist on getting a family pet if my husband doesn’t want one?

[Pickmeup78]

I always wanted a cat growing up, but my parents didn’t allow it. Now I’m an adult with 2 children (7 and 9), who would both love to have a cat and so do I. We live in a house with garden, in a green London neighbourhood and I work from home so would have plenty of time to look after a cat.

However. My husband (who did grow up with cats) doesn’t want one. He thinks they smell, especially their litter tray, and he’s against all the meat that goes into cat food production - so he’s against it from a personal and an environmental perspective.

We’ve had several discussions about adopting a cat in the past, and I’ve always given up arguing my points (ie. always wanted a cat myself, would be lovely for the kids to have one) just to keep the peace.

But now, with so many unwanted cats up for adoption in our local cat shelter, I feel like I just want to go for it. I’ve signed up with the shelter, and made an appointment for a pre-adoption meeting.

I would obvs discuss it again with husband before actually getting it, but am thinking about putting everything in place and finding a suitable cat at the shelter beforehand. I expect that we‘ll have a big row, he will be in a massive a huff, I will plead that I will take full responsibility for the cat, and he will finally give in - very reluctantly so.

Am I being unreasonable to push this through and finally get a furry friend? Or am I out of order?

I think it’s unfair that your husband won’t let you or his kids have a v low maintenance pet, especially knowing that you’d do all the work anyway!

It's not low maintenance, even for a cat. They cost money, time and care. It's not like you just get one and carry on with your life. You have to make sure you can afford the vets, the jabs/medication, food, carriers etc etc. And what if the primary carer was sick or incapacitated and couldn't do 'all the work'? Who is going to do it then?

Is cat/dog food not a by-product of what doesn't meet the 'for human consumption' standard of the meat/fishing industry so possibly reduces food waste. I think can get bug protein pet food now, though wonder if is any welfare standards for bugs.

Rescues tend to avoid homing where all people in household aren't in agreement with having the pet because there is a risk that the cat will end up being returned if then causes problems in relationshiip and is not good for pet to living where someone actively dislikes it. If he was just unsure about wanting a cat rather than definite 'No I hate cats!' then could perhaps could ask about fostering with a shorter commitment to test run but would have to accept if decide at end a cat is not for them.

If relationship is that have to constantly manage with him vetoing rather than discussion & compromise, perhaps time to get rid of partner and then get a cat.

I think it's your husband being UR! Going against the vast majority but I'd get the cat!

I think having to live without a cat when you and kids really want one is worse/more unfair than having to put up with living with a cat when you don’t like them. It’s not like they’re dangerous or anything. Or even messy. I think he’s being selfish and can just ignore it. It’ll be outside/asleep/in a different room a lot and he won’t have to do any looking after it. He’s outnumbered, get a cat!

From your other posts, sounds like you'd be better off with a cat than your husband.

I think he’s being selfish and can just ignore it. It’ll be outside/asleep/in a different room a lot and he won’t have to do any looking after it.

So if they got the cat and OP found herself unable to look after it (illness or something) it would be ok for her partner to not feed it or look after it? Don't be ridiculous

I can see why you'd want a cat, but I'd expect my partner to leave me if I did something like that, and rightly so.

By all means get the cat if you're so hung up on it, but don't be surprised if it's the start of the end of your relationship with DH.

That would be super disrespectful to your husband.

There are two adults in the household so he isnt 'outnumbered' (which is an immature way to view the situation anyway)

If OP thinks she has problems with his attitude or feels he is controlling then she needs to address that instead of starting an argument or an unresolvable situation by getting the cat

For example, if he tries to say she should turn off a film she is watching she just needs to say 'no, you dont tell me what to watch on telly' (assuming he isnt saying this because its in the bedroom and he is trying to sleep for example or any other reasoning which would cause him to say this). A person does not have to be controlled.

YABVU!
If living with a cat was so important to you, why did you choose to marry/ have children with someone who was incompatible with this?
You say that despite discussing it a number of times, he still hasn't changed his mind.
If I was in his position, and you went ahead anyway, I'd be getting the very clear message that you had very little respect for me or my feelings, and seriously consider ending the relationship with you.

The environmental impact of pets is huge - cats can't eat plant-based diets and it would be cruel to force them to - and they're not especially hygienic either. (Unless you like the idea of shitty paws on every horizontal surface in your house, and possibly in your children's beds).

I am disgusted by the people boasting on this thread about cats which don't use litter trays (basically telling us that these cats are allowed to shit wherever they want, probably in a neighbour's garden). The last cat I lived with (not through choice) had a darling habit of shitting in the kitchen sink.

If you are really keen to spend time with cats, why not volunteer at your local cat shelter? They always need the help.

And if your husband is open to hosting a cat on a strictly temporary basis sometime - as a special treat for you/ the children - why not look into fostering rather than adopting? (in which case the rescue place remains responsible for it/ its food/ the vet bills etc - you'd be expected to keep it indoors and return it at the end of the agreed time)

or just looking after someone else's cat while they're in hospital/ on holiday? (which could even be done in their house rather than yours - leave your husband at home)

Join the cats protection league. It's about 5 pounds a month, supports a good cause and they send you a quarterly magazine loaded with cute photos of cats. Leave the magazine lying around he might read it and have a heart softening moment. Maybe.

I agree that just getting a cat could cause problems but he is being very unreasonable if this is something you have wanted your whole life. Why should he have the final say on what is also your life? I had a similar circumstance, me and the children wanted a puppy. DP had a puppy as a child he didn't want to have one as had already experienced it. But he also appreciated that we wanted to experience it too and why should he have the final say. As an aside, We got puppy and he loves her to bits! But I wouldn't have got puppy without his agreement!

It isn't the cat, itself, which he may well grow to adore, but the principle that you are saying "Fuck him, I'm going to get it anyway"

I couldn't accept that level of disrespect and disdain.

this.

he doesn't get the final say but she has to accept that she may not be able to have both the partner and the cat.

No op don't do it - my dh agreed ro it ages ago and as much as l love my kitty, he really doesn't- he isn't horrible to him of course but he moans about his hair all the time etc and thay he always brings dead birds home etc.

When the kids grow up and leave home they can have as many cats as they want.

We have a house rabbit very similar to a cat, will give cuddles etc.

This was our compromise because DH is allergic to cats.

YABU - if someone doesn't want to live with an animal then you can't force them to against their will, it's disrespectful.

I have cats and a dog, their fur gets everywhere, they aren't allowed upstairs but if you leave a window/door open you will find them asleep on your pillows, they bring home dead animals, they are sick whenever and wherever they feel like it (one of my cats inhales his food then finds a corner to throw up in, never the same place twice) their food/vets bills/jabs/regular wormig and flea treatments /insurance/toys/beds/leads/carriers etc are not cheap and are constant ongoing costs. Plus the hassle and cost of kennels/catteries/petsitters if you ever want to go away anywhere and having to consider how long you can be out of the house and leave them alone at any given time.

Pets are not low maintenance and you can't force someone into pet ownership if they aren't on board and any reputable rescue won't let anyone adopt if the whole household aren't on board.

"When the kids grow up and leave home they can have as many cats as they want"

Unless they have a selfish partner who stops them!
If he leaves you because of a cat then there were more problems in the relationship than just pet ownership.

I was in this situation and I went ahead and got the cat and DH fell in love with her. BUT, he has used his initial reluctance as an excuse for never doing anything for her eg. feed her, take her to the vet etc. etc.

Sometimes people say no because they don't like to get their heads around change, or something new. I really don't think it's such a terrible thing to override him. Cats really involve very little disruption.

Obviously if he was really afraid of them (some people are, but don't like to admit it), if he had an allergy or if you couldn't afford it as a family that's different. But if just can't be bothered to get his head around it for your sake, knowing how much you want one then I would go ahead.

I agree that just getting a cat could cause problems but he is being very unreasonable if this is something you have wanted your whole life. Why should he have the final say on what is also your life?

If it had been that important her whole life she wouldn't/shouldn't have married someone who doesn't want one.

I wouldn't have lived with anyone who wanted pets of any description. It's a complete deal breaker for me.

"When the kids grow up and leave home they can have as many cats as they want"

Unless they have a selfish partner who stops them!
If he leaves you because of a cat then there were more problems in the relationship than just pet ownership.

I've told my son that if he wants pets he needs to be sure the person he ends up with is on the same page. There are no problems with my relationship but if DH came home with an animal and insisted it stayed I would definitely leave.

Get a cat. Your DH's ideas are out-if-date. Feed it only dry food, our 15 year old has only ever had that and a few treats. She's only visited the vet once a year for her annual service, apart from when she got bitten by a dog which was covered by insurance. They mostly don't have litter trays if they go out, at her great age ours has a covered tray and I use fully disposable cardboard inners. She has been the best thing ever for DD and any emotional issues

Cats really involve very little disruption.

For cat lovers, maybe.

I am not a cat lover, but lived with and looked after a couple of cats for a few months.

I was consciously aware of the cats almost 100% of the time. The feeding and litter tray is only a tiny fraction of it.

I had to make sure the bedroom door was always shut even if I was only popping in to grab something, so the cats wouldn't follow me in and at least my bedding wouldn't be covered in dander and fur even if everything else was. No other door in the house (except the bathroom for brief periods — not too long as their litter tray lived in there) could be closed because it infuriated the cats and they'd yowl and scratch, so I had to let them interrupt my Zoom meetings. I developed a feint-and-return trick so I could go to the loo alone.

I was always conscious that no surface in the house was ever truly clean — everything felt covered in a thin, sticky layer of cat, and there's only so much cleaning you can do. I was washing my hands many times a day more than I usually would. I could never put food straight on a surface even if I'd cleaned it an hour before. Never leave food unattended. Never leave a plate or chopping board out to be used. Never leave the hob unattended, until it was cool enough not to damage paws. Never eat certain foods without constant pestering (ice cream particularly bad). Always aware of the possibility of stepping in/sitting on/otherwise encountering revolting things that have come out of a cat — to be fair, these two were very good at using their litter tray but hairballs and vomit don't seem to be something you can train a cat to do in the litter tray, and one time, one of them had diarrhoea and didn't make it to the tray. And speaking of the litter tray, despite all measures the cats tracked litter out all over the bathroom floor and beyond, so walking with bare feet in the bathroom was impossible unless you swept beforehand.

I could never leave an outside door or window open to get air. Never move around the house or walk up and down stairs without checking I wasn't about to kick a cat or trip over it. Never sit down to relax without them coming to lie next to me (which, okay, I was there in part to look after the cats and it was quite cute, but one of them in particular liked to aim his anus directly at my face). Never able to get anything done without the risk of at least one cat wanting to be involved, getting in my way, getting things that I wanted to stay clean covered in fur and dander and other cat dirt.

They needed lots of interaction and exercise, and they choose who they want that interaction off, most of the time.

The two cats I looked after were sweet, friendly little things, and I'm fond of them. But living with them and looking after them was a big favour and absolutely not something I would choose for my own home.

Those were of course indoor cats. With outdoor cats you might inflict the litter tray problem on your neighbours instead, making your life a little easier, and don't have to worry about keeping doors and windows shut, but then you have to worry about fleas, and it catching local birds, and dead things being deposited in your house, and your pet possibly getting squashed in the road, and God knows what being tracked into your house and bed and kitchen counters from outside.