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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to insist on getting a family pet if my husband doesn’t want one?

193 replies

Pickmeup78 · 17/08/2022 16:50

I always wanted a cat growing up, but my parents didn’t allow it. Now I’m an adult with 2 children (7 and 9), who would both love to have a cat and so do I. We live in a house with garden, in a green London neighbourhood and I work from home so would have plenty of time to look after a cat.

However. My husband (who did grow up with cats) doesn’t want one. He thinks they smell, especially their litter tray, and he’s against all the meat that goes into cat food production - so he’s against it from a personal and an environmental perspective.

We’ve had several discussions about adopting a cat in the past, and I’ve always given up arguing my points (ie. always wanted a cat myself, would be lovely for the kids to have one) just to keep the peace.

But now, with so many unwanted cats up for adoption in our local cat shelter, I feel like I just want to go for it. I’ve signed up with the shelter, and made an appointment for a pre-adoption meeting.

I would obvs discuss it again with husband before actually getting it, but am thinking about putting everything in place and finding a suitable cat at the shelter beforehand. I expect that we‘ll have a big row, he will be in a massive a huff, I will plead that I will take full responsibility for the cat, and he will finally give in - very reluctantly so.

Am I being unreasonable to push this through and finally get a furry friend? Or am I out of order?

OP posts:
CloudCatz · 17/08/2022 17:10

You shouldn't get one without him being on board, it's very unfair and he'd be justified in being angry

Well it's also very unfair that OP is being disallowed from having one, and her and her children have every right to be angry.

Twizbe · 17/08/2022 17:11

It's totally unreasonable to get a pet if someone in the house doesn't want it.

Twizbe · 17/08/2022 17:12

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 17/08/2022 16:57

It's a cat not another baby. Why should the wants of one rule over rule the wants of three.

Because it's the one persons home too. It's the same with babies, the one who doesn't want get veto

Original poster
Pickmeup78 · 17/08/2022 17:12

Thanks all, some really reasonable points here!

valadon - funnily enough DH ‘hates’ dogs and ignores them completely. When our friends come over with their dog, he follows DH everywhere :)

To those who said that his vote shouldn’t trump the wishes of us other 3 family members: this is what I’m thinking. He is very used to things going his way, and reacts really strongly to everything I suggest that is not his ‘thing’ e.g. cooking something that’s not what he likes even if I love it, watching I film that I’ve chosen that he’s not sure about (will make me turn it off even!) - so I feel like I have to push things through with him quite often, otherwise I won’t get what I want! I want a cat! :(

OP posts:
Twizbe · 17/08/2022 17:12

Essexgalttc · 17/08/2022 16:57

I can see both sides of the argument. I do think that both have to agree before getting a pet. Could you not get agree on a smaller animal for the time being? A rabbit, hamster etc

No you can’t get a cat without partners say so too as it’s both your house

If it helps my husband really really had his heart set on getting budgies (not the same as a cat I know) before we moved in and badgered me for ages to get one. We have two now and I am so in love with them and want more 😆

Jealous, I had a budgie growing up and loved him. I'd love one now but DH is against it and our house isn't suitable for one :(

CloudCatz · 17/08/2022 17:13

Fuck him, I'm going to get it anyway".

But he is also going "Fuck her, we are never going to have one"

Essexgalttc · 17/08/2022 17:13

I’m not sure if my comment comes across a bit… morbid but could you not compromise on getting an older rescue cat? My sister got a 13 year old rescue a couple of years ago and loves him to bits. He’s a lovely cat

Sorry if that comes across as funny but you’re giving an older cat a home for their last few years whilst also having a shorter commitment on an animal if that is also husbands worry

Antarcticant · 17/08/2022 17:13

YABU - it would not be fair to the cat to bring it into a home where someone didn't want it. No responsible rescue/breeder would let a cat go to such a home.

I made it a condition of marriage that any prospective spouse would accept a cat in the house; if you've chosen to marry someone who doesn't like cats unfortunately you'll have to live with the consequences Sad

Chikapu · 17/08/2022 17:15

I can't imagine how uncomfortable it would make me having to live in a house with an animal I didn't want, brought in by someone who supposedly loves and respects me.
How would you feel if your husband brought home a pet you didn't want or like?

IsThePopeCatholic · 17/08/2022 17:15

Cats kill hundreds of thousands of birds every year.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/08/2022 17:15

This reply has been deleted

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thing47 · 17/08/2022 17:18

@Pickmeup78 I might be able to help with one of your DH's objections. I've had cats for years and years, usually rescues (though on one occasion it was an unwanted kitten), and I have never yet fed a single one of them meat. They eat dried cat food only. As my previous one lived to 19, and current two are 14 and still in rude health, it doesn't seem to do them any harm.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 17/08/2022 17:18

bloodyplanes · 17/08/2022 17:06

Why does one person in a household of four people get to decide that his wants and needs are more important than the other 3 peoples?

On a comfort level, it's more or less the equivalent of your partner wanting to install a powerful sound system through the house, with no off button, that'll be blasting out grime at top volume every day for the next 15 years. It's a big change to the status quo that he didn't agree to and which will make him uncomfortable in his own home for the foreseeable future. That's before you go into all the lifestyle and welfare and financial ramifications.

Bringing an animal to live in the living, cooking, eating and probably sleeping areas of the home is something that has to be with everyone's agreement.

Bubblebubblebah · 17/08/2022 17:21

Maybe the poster from yeaterday with exactly same issue could help....

What is it suddenly with cats?

ToppCat · 17/08/2022 17:29

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 17/08/2022 16:57

It's a cat not another baby. Why should the wants of one rule over rule the wants of three.

This. Why should he have the final say.

neverbeenskiing · 17/08/2022 17:29

Why should what your husband wants trump what you and the children want?

Oh come on. Because they don't currently have a cat obviously! She's the one talking about changing the status quo.

If I started a thread saying I don't like dogs, have always been open about the fact I don't like them and would hate to live with one but DH is putting his foot down and "insisting" we have one and I've just got to put up with it I'd be told to LTB. I'd be told he was selfish and controlling and doesn't care about me being made to feel uncomfortable in my own home.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/08/2022 17:30

I would be furious if my DH foisted a pet on me.

Antarcticant · 17/08/2022 17:33

ToppCat · 17/08/2022 17:29

This. Why should he have the final say.

Show quote history

It's not about the OP or her DH, it's about the emotional wellbeing of the cat. The cat will not be happy in a home where it is disliked. In any discussion about whether to bring a pet in the home, it is the needs of the animal that must come first.

ShandaLear · 17/08/2022 17:35

Nope, terrible idea both for the cat and your husband. The cat has to live in a home where someone doesn’t want it and the husband has to live with an animal he never wanted or agreed to. I would be appalled if my DP did this to me.

sunsoutmumsout · 17/08/2022 17:37

My DH absolutely didn't want a cat....we now have 4 rescues - the second 2 he came home with 😺

Batshittery · 17/08/2022 17:39

Imo, the difference is that DH's decision is not altering anything. They are already a pet free house, but OP's decision forces a change.

OhFatty · 17/08/2022 17:40

My husband didn’t want a cat.

He now adores the cat

I’d say get one.

OhmygodDont · 17/08/2022 17:40

A new pet should be like having another baby. It’s between the two adults and it’s a two yes thing.

many children want pets and promise to look after them but don’t after a few weeks just like many adults promise their partners they won’t have to do anything for said pet then it’s suddenly oh could you just feed it today, oh could you just poo pick today.

also fur gets everywhere and as a cat owner litter trays stink it’s not like keeping a fish that he won’t encounter anything to deal with. He will have fur on his clothes, stuff might get scratched up, you will notice a smell. It will climb on anything it fancies.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 17/08/2022 17:41

My dh would love a cat as would our kids. If he just produced one knowing that I actively dislike cats and certainly don't want to share the house with one, our marriage would be over.

I wouldn't bring home a snake or a dog for the same reasons.

Costacoffeeplease · 17/08/2022 17:45

This is the kind of thing that should have been agreed at the dating/getting serious stage.

I would never have married anyone who didn’t want animals, it was an absolute dealbreaker for me, but my husband already had a dog when I met him, so he passed that test.