What's it really like for a child with 50/50 custody mum and dad?

[rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo]

I can only ask for experience. I was brought up by a single parent with little involvement from the other. So I have no idea what it would be like to be shared.

What's it like for those of you who grew up with an arrangement like this where you live between two houses?

I want to know if it's overall good or bad. Just out of interest as I got thinking about this. Thankfully I don't have to consider it for my child but I am very curious.

It requires v good communication and co-operation between the parents eg about homework, party invites, clothes etc

It seemed to work smoothly for my nephew, but TBH, I think 50 50 is usually for the parents' benefit, rather than the child. I think it's best for children to have one secure home, with plenty of time at other parent but not 50 50

I work with secondary school students, a few in my form have said they liked seeing both parents equally when younger but now have complained that they struggle with the logistics and organisation of living equally at two houses. Its awkward for them to have friends around or to do hobbies as they either need to cart everything to school or have 2 of everything or one parent won't / can't take them.

However, this is a small sample and I'm sure just as many like the split as don't. It will depend on the child, the parenting relationship, the distance between houses, how many siblings are at each house, if they have their own rooms or not, any other adults in the house.

We dont do 50:50 but my DD visits her dad regularly, she has a new sister there that she loves but wouldnt want to live there all the time as she prefers the peace and quiet of our house.

I completely agree and wish the family courts did also. It seems like a bad idea but like I said I've not lived it so can't know.

From what I've seen in people I know, 50/50 has caused trauma to the kids. But where the kids have lived with mum and dad has just been hands on and available that has worked really well.

But the family courts favour 50/50 "for the benefit of the children"

I've always said to DP that if we split, I won't do 50:50. Lots of time with both parents, flexible schedules, good communication... but I just don't think 50/50 is ultimately best for kids as courts say.
People I know that grew up with 50/50 hated it.

Maybe I'm biased because I also grew up with one parent and a secure home with some time with the other parent and that worked for me.

There have been parents on here from countries where this has been the norm for many years who are much more positive about it than MN generally.

I'm not sure the courts do favour 50:50. I think it depends on the age of the children and the setup before a split.

I don't believe it works. I know my dc wouldn't want it and the eow and one weeknight arrangement works for them.

My partner shares 50/50 with his little girl. One week on one week off. She is 5 now and in the holidays also goes away to her grandmas down the country in the holidays for a week. I think it must be very confusing for her and no actual home. I brought up my son on my own and he's only ever been with me and he's well behaved and only really knows one home. I can't imagine being away from my young child a week or more at a time but because they don't live close it has to happen. Her behaviour isn't the best. Must be hard but often no choice.

I don't think the courts favour 50 50, or at least not in the UK

Also, most adults wouldn't want to divide their time 50 50 between two homes. I don't know why they think a child would like it

Sorry, but it's an individual thing. Me and ex are both awesome parents and equally loved by the kids, equally hands on and involved. Anything other than 50:50 would be awful. The kids are really happy and swap every few days, it helps that me and ex are best friends and hang out at each others houses.
Not only would ex miss them, and kids miss him.. it puts too much responsibility on me and he would have more spare time.
Which would lead to resentment.
I just think it's awful that usually the dad sees them much less often!

If the dad is less bothered and kids prefer mum then I can see why other arrangements work.

I've always thought adults are lying to themselves when they say their kids are perfectly happy with any custody arrangements and that they work well, when they've split up. Realistically what kid wants to dick about from house to another? Its a triumph of resilience - doesnt mean it's good.

I'm sure I'll be unpopular for saying so.

My boyfriend's kids are 50/50 (we don't live together and have no plans to). His girls are teenagers and like the set up because Mum has moved her new partner in, and he has kids who visit regularly. They like their space and peace and quiet at their dads - they seem to think of it as a bit of a refuge.

I’ve done it with mid to late teens. But the kids were nested so we moved in and out. Hate it now 2 years on because the moving every week is awful and would rather have my own property and the kids to decide where they want to be most of the time. Also, whilst I thought 50:50 and nesting was ideal, one kid feels in the middle of it and I’m not sure it’s worked that well in the end for that child.

I know shared arrangements are popular now, but I'm not convinced they're in the inerest of the child.

A few years ago we had a horrible spell in our county where we had far too many teenagers committing suicide. Schools felt they were facing critism about the pressure children were under/bullying etc and did a piece of work to try and find out what was happening and how these awful deaths could be prevented.

It was only a small sample, although also far too large and research wasn't scientific, but the only things they all, every single one, had in common was that they had previously self harmed (although some a long time ago) and they had homelives where parents had split but both parents were still very much around/shared residency. Not all 50/50, but significant time spent with both parents.

Other than that the children were a real mix of sporty or not, academically gifted, average and struggling, popular and bullied, affluent, average, deprived. We couldn't find anything else in common.

Now obviously lots of children live in these situations without coming to such tragic harm and correlation doesn't equal cause etc, but I really feel strongly that that information is worth further research. People don't want to hear it though, everyone wants to believe "fair" is best, but who's it fair/best for?

I know I'd be unsettled if I was going to a different home on different days and that's without the pull of different parents. I'm sure lots manage to create home where that doesn't happen, but most children must feel it to some extent?

I've always said to DP that if we split, I won't do 50:50.

So if for some reason you had to choose between 50:50 and only having your children every other weekend, you'd choose the latter?

Just wondering if by fortunate coincidence what you think is best for the children also happens to be best for you.

I have my DD 50/50. Against my wishes for lots of reasons, I fought it for years but the UK courts do absolutely see it now as the 'norm'. But DD's dad is abusive and saw it as the only way to avoid the CMS. It doesn't work for us as he counter parents at every opportunity. DD doesn't get to do hobbies outside of school, as every fortnight it clashes with time at her dads, who doesn't want her doing anything. It's not been a positive experience for us, but although DD is old enough that the court would consider her feelings, she's too afraid to raise it with her dad.

I do have friends with 50/50 setups that work though. It needs to come from a place where there isn't conflict between parents (the UK courts have a rose tinted view where all parents co-parent happily which just isn't the case).

It would be my ideal set up but my ex would never have been interested unfortunately

When both parents genuinely prioritise their kids, communicate well and live relatively near each other, it can work I think. When they don’t, it can be really awful for the kids. One of my friends and her ex really do it well, they even go for meals as a family and have days out together. The kids love it and although they would prefer mum and dad to be together, it’s the next best thing. Their dad had a new partner and she’s really lovely. He’s a really nice bloke though so I’m not surprised he’s chosen such a nice partner. I tell them they should write a book on how to get parenting spot on in a split. 😂

It depends on the parents and kids. Obviously. The better communication the better.

BUT my experience (teen when parents seperated) was I HATED it. I hated having 2 main homes, I hated bringing all the stuff I wanted back and forth, I hate missing out on things happening in either household. I felt split all the time and it was unsettling to always be moving. I gradually ended up living with my dad more or less full time which really hurt my mum and ended up with us falling out and not talking for a long time. Most people I know ended up spending more time with one parent/ in one home once they were old enough to decide themselves.

I do think 50:50 is more about creating an illusion of fairness between the parents than it is necessarily considering the best interests of the child. Most adults wouldn't like their lives and possessions divided across two homes, and having to constantly go back and forth, so I am not sure why we would expect children to like it.

My ex insisted he would do 50/50... in a surprise to no one except him, it failed miserably.

We are now at 'every other weekend and once mid week' arrangement. DC are teens and don't like moving stuff about, so they rarely actually end up going to their dads.

I have no idea what is best for the kids overall. For their dad not to be a selfish wanker probably.

I'd love to know what you mean. Which countries?

I think that both parents have an equal right to see their children and fundamentally if it’s a 60:40 split or an 80:20 split as opposed to 50:50 it’s still going to be tricky for the kids and the parents.

Basically the problem is that kids hate it when their parents split up and hate it even more if they feel one parent had then abandoned them (moved away or only seeing them every other weekend).

honestly I think if both parents love and care for their kids anything less that 50:50 is absolutely heartbreaking for them (50:50 is bad enough) and I think it is for the kids too as they will miss the parent they don’t see so much.

I also think there is a real a plus to 50:50 in terms of counterbalancing the negatives of the other home (such as noise, siblings, unhealthy diet etc.) that are not child safeguarding concerns but do mean children want a change.

also, I think a lot of the “50:50 is bad” brigade are mothers who want their kids all the time (understandably) and who want the kids to only have one home and to have full control over that because they don’t recognise/accept that the kids should always have two homes as they have separated parents and don’t only “belong” to one family/home even if they’re there 80% of the time.

Same
My kids would be upset with anything other than 50/50

In scandinavia it is the norm. Much more so than here anyway.

My experience (as the child, and in a scandinavian country) was not great though. Despite no specific issues as such.

They do if the parents can't agree and the principle is that the children have equal right to time with both parents.