What's it really like for a child with 50/50 custody mum and dad?

[rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo]

I can only ask for experience. I was brought up by a single parent with little involvement from the other. So I have no idea what it would be like to be shared.

What's it like for those of you who grew up with an arrangement like this where you live between two houses?

I want to know if it's overall good or bad. Just out of interest as I got thinking about this. Thankfully I don't have to consider it for my child but I am very curious.

All the issues re feeling like you live out of a suitcase etc still exist with 80:20 etc, but that also has the downside of a more distant relationship with one of your parents.

Well, no, because with 80:20 you only live out of a suitcase (if you do) for 20% of time, not all the time, and only have to move EOW. I'd take a more distant relationship with one parent over having to move every week any day.

I knew teen twins who lived 50/50. They hated it due to logistics, leaving things behind, needing two of everything etc.
I also think, when you're on holiday, however nice the hotel etc is, it's always a relief to come home, back to your own bed etc. Is it really possible to have that sense of relaxation and belonging in two places simultaneously? If not, it must be really exhausting for them.
The best scenario I heard of was there being a house and two flats, with the child remaining in the house and the parents taking turns to live there with them and being the ones to move back and forth. If that sounds too exhausting, imagine that that is what you're asking the kids to do.

Both from my own experience and as a secondary school teacher and form tutor, 50/50 is the best way for kids, as long as parents make an effort to make it work. Otherwise they end up seeing one parent as their real parent and the relationship with the other suffers a lot. It's the parents job to ensure this doesn't happen.

My children stay with their dad every other weekend. Mine is their primary residence.
From a child's POV, I don't think a 50/50 set up is the best. It's for the parents. All that to-ing and fro-ing can't be ideal for young children, especially if the relationship between the parents isn't the best.

I honestly don't mean to cause offence here. I know that this is the daily reality for many families. And I know that every one of us is muddling along and doing our best.
But that's my opinion, as asked by the OP.

I should mention that my ex sees them through the week for dinners and things too.

My GC are teens now - their parents split about 3 years ago and they have been doing 50/50 for the past two years. My son and their mother are flexible for birthdays, Mothers Day, visiting grandparents etc.

From what I can observe it seems to work well - helped by the children being older, at the same school and parents living 10-minute drive apart.

When I visited for a couple of days my last day was swap day - I got a bit of a lump in my throat as the children were each loading their laundry basket of clean folded clothes into the boot of the car, along with school paraphernalia.

Only time will tell on how my GC will look back on this experience.

Sorry I forgot to add that they do week on/week off - IMO the most important bit!

My friends do it brilliantly but they are close still, and live in walking distance,which helps a lot.

My eldest is 10. He lives with me and has seen his dad every other weekend since he started full time school. I am always asking if dad wants him any extra (school holidays etc) or to pick him up for a few hours after school in the week - but it is always a no thankyou on dad's part.
My son would absolutely hate 50/50 as he doesn't enjoy going. I almost have to force him to go every other weekend and I always get "why are you making me go??" from him. He wants to be at home, with all his things and his friends nearby and his home comforts.
He has never felt comfortable at his dads for whatever reason. I know for a fact he isn't at ease or his true self while he's there. He doesn't see his dad's as home, just somewhere he goes to visit. I should add that his dad is lovely and a good dad (in my opinion) and we are on good terms. DS would just rather be at home and it has always been that way.

My eldest children did this from age 4 and 1. They’re dad is a dick but we put them first and it worked well. We kept week days the same which was easy for clubs etc and swapped halfway through the week. Kids were with each of us every other weekend. Eldest is 22 and decided at 18 to live with me and new partner. Second is 19 and at uni and still splits her time when she’s home. Both well adjusted normal kids who are getting on in life. We attended school events together such as parents evenings and still bought joint presents at birthday and Christmas. OP seems like scaremongering to me. It can absolutely work when both parents are committed to making it work. I’d ask the kids how they feel about it but both are out living their best lives.

But if it's one night in the week and every other weekend then you'd still be moving between houses every week on the weekday and twice in the same week on the weekend ones.

I preferred only have to change once a week on a Saturday with the way my parents did 50:50 as a week on, week off.

Before that it was pack up and change house Wed pm, pack up and change back Thurs pm & again for a night at the weekend. Much more annoying & disruptive.

Doesn't sound like a great dad

We do 50 50, have done for three years, kids now 8 and 13. Daughter is very organised, and has two of most things at both houses, our boy travels light.

They seem ok with the set up, its not ideal for anyone, but we live close, and we are amicable so organise between us. We both have partners, although my kids have yet to spend time with mine.

This ☝️

This narrative of ''50:50 is bad” brigade'' being selfish controlling mothers is incredibly disingenuous and inflammatory. Children are not homogenous therefore there can be no 'one size fits all'. While 50/50 may function fine for some children & some families, it doesn't for all of them. Maybe some are happy to force what they feel is ''fair'' to them on their children irrespective of whether it works for the children or not, personally, I'm not prepared to put my (or anyone else's) wants ahead of what my child needs. If 50/50 works for your child then I applaud you for making it work for your children, but kindly don't judge, make assumptions as to my intent or disparage me because my child needs something different.

Each family should do what is right for their children, not espouse this notion that only one way is right and fair.

@Diamondinthesolesofhershoes doesn’t sound like a good dad in any sense. Or a great guy. He’s a dick that only wants to parent his child once a fortnight. That’s why your poor son doesn’t want to go, his dad doesn’t want him

The best scenario I heard of was there being a house and two flats, with the child remaining in the house and the parents taking turns to live there with them and being the ones to move back and forth. If that sounds too exhausting, imagine that that is what you're asking the kids to do

but it’s not really is it. Adults run a home with all that entails, children don’t have all that admin - or really any admin. Even legally it’s hard for adults as what is their legal address for insurance, for schooling etc etc etc

50/50 works for us.. however, we live 2 - 3 miles away from each other, school is in the middle of where we each live, we have great communication and co parent well. We have no qualms of going to school events together or sitting in eachothers houses for a zoom parents evening. If there's any sort of grudge/animosity there or you live much further apart, it might not work as well.

following this thread: particularly interested in the experiences of children.

The best scenario I heard of was there being a house and two flats

Who can afford a house and two flats? This would only work for substantially well-off parents.

But if it's one night in the week and every other weekend

Scrap the one night in the week. I didn't have that as a kid. It was just EOW. But then my mum lived too far away to get me to school in the week, when she has two other kids to get to school in her own area. One night in the week sounds awful because you have to change for just one night? But then, as an adult, I hate things like going away "just for a night" because it doesn't seem worth it to me.

I packed up on a Friday after school and got driven to my mum's or she'd pick me up, then spend two nights there, come back Sunday evening. Not every weekend though - thank God!

We don’t 50:50. My DH ex was very difficult to start with even though nobody else as involved and she kicked him out and she was married to her new DH and there were no issues with abuse of any kind.

Access to his son was supervised visits for 2 hours a time at her mothers 3 times a week. We have worked to change this over time up to every other weekend now and one week of the holidays and are speaking to her about another week of a different school holiday and 2 BHols each year now (he is now 11 and I have been on the scene 9.5 years). I can’t help but feel that it would have been better for SS to have had a set routine from the get go and would have saved him a lot of unnecessary change over this time, but it is what it is in relationship breakdowns.

That aside we do now have every other weekend and have just taken him on his first flight to go on a foreign holiday with is for a week which, whilst he missed them and we had a couple of hours upset on one day, overall went very well all things considered (I refer to my earlier comment of how things like this wouldn’t be such a ‘change’ for him if there had been more consistency of routine early on).

Anyway, my point. We don’t live close enough for 50:50 (30 min drive away), I feel that, overall, it does him good to have consistency during the school week for his education, but, with two step siblings in his primary home, he is vocal about how he enjoys a break from them EOWE. We don’t ship a lot of stuff back and forward, preferring to promote to him that his stuff is ‘his’ so he has stuff at both homes. It hasn’t always been an easy relationship between parents, mum still likes to try and exert ‘control’ but I try hard a lot of the time to bridge the gap which I think, overall, works. Both parents do work hard to ensure any tension isn’t something he is exposed to at all and we all work hard to promote the other house in front of him and he’s settled in the arrangement overall now.

We recently moved to a new build and as he was involved throughout the build process I think he is even more happy here and refers to it also as ‘home’ as he feels he’s been involved in the process.

I am sad at how things started and I do think it could have been made easier for him if he’d had consistency from the beginning of a routine between the houses, but, overall, the arrangement now works really well for all concerned and, overall, communication between the adults to assure this for him has become easier which is key!

I think 50:50 could work if parents lived in walking distance of one another and parented well together though, but I think the key to shared parenting is different homes is that all adults need to learn to put their own feelings to one side and really genuinely consider what works for their children and their emotional well-being overall throughout the years.

That's really good advice @sassyclassyandsmartassy

I had to do this until I was 8 then was forced by my dad to make a choice of who to stay with perm as he was moving to another area and I chose my mum. I never felt like I really belonged in either household, particularly my dads as hed walked out initially first few yrs of my life and I never felt a bond to him, he'd met a new woman too, just felt very uncomfortable. I became luckily very attached to my step father and when decision day came it was awful, truely awful, I was also slyly guilt tripped by my step mother in to choosing them with you'd have your own room with us but you'll have to share at your mums, so you see how much stuff you're dad buys for you! I remember thinking (age 8) what more to me and thank god it was
My step dad and the friends I only saw in the wk at my mums who I missed at wknds as wasn't there, I couldn't have a life this way,
All wk I was with mum it felt like my home then I was carted off to dads who I felt I didn't know and make it worse he was so much older than my mum so in my view practically ancient, I chose my mum and my life changed for the better rapidly! The relief when my first sat
Came and I said to my wk day friend yes I can play out this wknd &'every other, I could
Finally create my own life! Dad fought against MY very strong decision for years, hated him for it, abs no regard for me, I was just so relieved mum and SF helped me to stay with them as I think it would have been so so hard forming a life for myself in that setup and they lived 5 mins from eachother so god knows how kids feel in split homes in further distances