What's it really like for a child with 50/50 custody mum and dad?

[rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo]

I can only ask for experience. I was brought up by a single parent with little involvement from the other. So I have no idea what it would be like to be shared.

What's it like for those of you who grew up with an arrangement like this where you live between two houses?

I want to know if it's overall good or bad. Just out of interest as I got thinking about this. Thankfully I don't have to consider it for my child but I am very curious.

@Pinkyxx your post proves what I was saying. Feeling homeless happens whether it’s a 50:50 split or an 85:15 split, it’s about how the parents treat their children and homes and how the kids feel about their homes.

I was 50:50 from age 7 and spent 3 weeks at a time with each parent; this was their decision due to my DF working pattern and the courts were never involved. It was ok in primary years but looking back I was living out of a suitcase for years, my DF made almost no effort to give me a nice bedroom and I had no books, toys or clothes kept there, and they lived 45-60 minutes away from each other but in the same city.

I had no idea where I was half the time, and my DF would go out and leave me home alone for long periods of time. It wasn’t a great set up and I was a sad, lonely child. Even my school reports in Primary always say I cried a lot, but the arrangement suited my parents and they didn’t care what was best for me. At least they got on well so there was no warring.

As has already been mentioned before this arrangement works best if the parents are amicable, live close to each other, there is flexibility, and children's opinions are listened to. It’s a recipe for unhappiness and resentment otherwise.

One of the sad things I see in my work is children often tell their parents they love it, quite convincingly (all sorts of things) when it's actually just them telling parents what they want to hear. I think this happens even more so when they're trying to keep two separate parents happy

I've had it with my own teen son too. For far too long he was telling me a situation was all good because to tell me otherwise would make my life difficult, when actually it almost brought him to breaking point (this wasn't separation related but for some children it is). I really thought I was a parent he could talk to about anything too

But what about when things get serious, you're wanting to share a home or even new children with the new partner, which is surely quite likely if you split while DC are young?

I knew a dad who claimed his 6 yr old son said that he was pleased him and his mum had split up because he now gets to have more fun and do lots of things. This was said about 6 months after the separation. I definitely think kids say what they think parents want to hear especially if they have seen the parent very distressed after the split which was what was happening here.

@PrimarilyParented yes I think you're right and I do wish that the courts considered this in their decisions. Children in these situations never develop the sense of security having a stable, predictable home creates. They don't feel they 'belong', have a home, never know where they are going to be at a given point.. Even with limited contact and a fixed schedule as my DD has said, even very simple things that become complicated and anxiety provoking... for example, when her friends talk about doing X, Y, Z in the future she just sits there thinking I've no idea whose house I will be in at that point in time which dictates what I can / can't do.. hence she just withdraws from the discussion. She envies kids who just know they will be 'at home', aren't bounced from place to place, waking up and thinking ''where am I''? before orienting themselves to which house they are actually in, living out of bags etc..

Maybe it works for some children with very child focused parents, but I can't help think that for the most part kids say what their parents want to hear.

This is a good point and I suspect a lot of people saying they are against 50:50 would change their minds if they didn't think they would be the one to get the majority of their time with their children.

I agree. Children get confused if the two homes are run differently,.or the parents try to win favour with the child by indulging him or her and causing trouble in the other house.

Schoolwork suffers too. Fave excuse for not doing homework? left their books in the wrong house.

It's all a lot to ask of a child.

You wouldn't mind only seeing them every other weekend and one day in the week? Honestly I'd hate that and so would my daughter x

@CookPassBabtridge

Odd conclusion to reach given that most of the people who have said they disagree with it are people who have experienced it for themselves. Lots of parents saying it works for their children, but most of the people responding as "the children" disagree. So it's hardly jealousy, and I do wonder if there's a bit of a confirmation bias in all these parents that proclaim how much their kids love it.

Anyway, there will be lots of factors that influence whether it works or not. Yes the relationship (and proximinity) of the parents, the set up at each house and also the child itself (their nature, personality etc). Some kids won't mind or will even thrive with it. Others won't be so happy.

@HeckyPeck which is fair enough. But then it's clear the arrangement is based on what makes the parent(s) happy. Not based on what is best for the child(ren). Which again maybe is ok if the child(ren) seem happy enough. We make decisions all the time that are for ourselves that impact out children. But let's just not pretend who the arrangement is ultimately made for the benefit of.

@justusandmoo personally I'd want it set up so that's it's 1 evening in the week and 1 night/next day at the weekend with dad. More than EOW, and it's similar to the set up he has with DSC now.
I don't think my DC would be happy with more than that away from me anyway, and this'd be the set-up that works best for everyone.

Yes, but the OP specifically asked for the view of children, not their parents.

You have unwittingly prioritized the parents over the children’s best interests l

But it's not supposed to be about what the parents want. Surely you're not saying that even though people believe 50/50 isn't great for children they would insist on it because it would be too hard for them to do anything else?

It's such a difficult one isn't it and one you can't really judge until you find yourself in the situation.

All I'll say is that I can guarantee that those saying they would never do 50/50 are women on MN assuming that they will get the bigger majority of the access. It certainly might not be the case and then you would soon change your stance!

You’re right I’d make that assumption, do you know why… because I do way more than 50% of the active parenting.

A 50/50 starting assumption is bad for children because the vast majority of kids have one parent that just does more, and a child focussed solution would seek to continue the status quo for them.

50/50 assumes that both parents are prepared to put equal effort in. And that’s just not the case.

I thi k the ideal for teenagersnos a drop in and out situation and parents living close enough for that. I saw dad midweek every week and a sleepover as and when (I was a teenager).it worked really well but I used to get really pissed off when i had planned to sleepover and there was a party I had to miss. I felt then that their split impacted on my social life in a way it didn't my friends. I know that's a selfish teenage view but it was how I felt at the time even though I wanted to see him.

50 50 doesnt always have to be a week on/off, it might be alternating school holiday care. And its mostly only relevant to small children. Teenagers can choose themselves

@FreudayNight and totally not the case for us. Her dad was 50/50 from birth. Guess it just highlights that no two situations are the same and you have to do whatever right in your own situation.

Xx

I used to wake up panicking as it took me a few seconds to work out where I was. The different houses also had different rules which was awful, I couldn’t remember which rules belonged to which house. I can still see the bag I kept my stuff that needed schlepping back and forth. I hated it and as an adult I am actually having to work on being able to leave my house for more than 3-4 nights as I just can’t bear it.

I will do everything in my power to maintain a strong marriage but if it didn’t work out, even though it would destroy me I would rather DS have a base home even if that meant the base home wasn’t with me.

I don't have personal experience as a child (I did have separated parents but didn't see them 50:50, was more an EOW type of arrangement), but my step children have 50:50.

I think it was okay for them when they were smaller but we are experiencing issues now they are getting older and have received comments about it in more recent years. Personally I think if they were honest they'd rather spend more time at their mums and visit their dad less often as they could organise their lives better with friends and things which are increasingly becoming the most important thing to them. But unfortunately both parents don't want to hear it and I think it often becomes more about what the parents want (not to lose time with their kids understandably) rather than what the kids would likely prefer.

I understand it as a parent, I wouldn't want to accept my child seeing me less either, but as an outsider it's quite obvious who that benefits and who's feelings that centres, it can often not be the childrens.

I think that's exactly what a lot of parents do actually yes.

Bird nesting is best for the children - they stay in the house and the parents take it in turns to be in the house with them, each parent renting a room elsewhere for when they aren’t in the family home.

I definitely think kids say what they think parents want to hear especially if they have seen the parent very distressed after the split which was what was happening here.

And I definitely think this is true too. About kids saying what their parents want to hear.

I've seen it with my own step children. I know them, I know them very well actually and I have the required distance I think to see things a bit more clearly and I 100% believe if they were honest (and based off comments from them in the past) they'd prefer to stay in one home more often especially now as they are getting into teen years.

Would they outright say that to either parent though? No I highly doubt it.

We've had it with other scenarios too. 'X has said he wants to stay here for Christmas this year', 'well he told me the same' etc etc. . It's quite sad actually. And really annoys me (not DSC, but their parents not realising they are being told what their DC think they want to hear).

Have to say I'd have hated this as a child personally.

This is exactly the kind of thing I see at work. Parents are told and genuinely believe children "love" it but when they open up to us it's not the case at all. I do work with children exhibiting signs of trauma though, so I realise my sample isn't representative.

I only see damaged children, but in that sample I would say a lot of the harm is caused by these kinds of arrangements (usually with something else alongside)

Even on this thread, its very interesting to see how many parents genuinely believe it works well, compared to the number of adults who lived it as children who don't believe it works well at all.

Those who were unhappy about it as children, what were you telling your parents?