What's it really like for a child with 50/50 custody mum and dad?

[rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo]

I can only ask for experience. I was brought up by a single parent with little involvement from the other. So I have no idea what it would be like to be shared.

What's it like for those of you who grew up with an arrangement like this where you live between two houses?

I want to know if it's overall good or bad. Just out of interest as I got thinking about this. Thankfully I don't have to consider it for my child but I am very curious.

@loveireland when he has her he takes her and picks her up from school each day he lives about 45 mins from school and the mam lives 5 mins.

This is exactly how the family courts view things in my area.

No, you’re right, they don’t.

I’ve worked in the family court system for five years and can count on one hand the orders made for 50/50. As the very first response says, this kind of arrangement only works for children where their parents are consistent, communicate well and are at the least civil towards each other. Not qualities known to exist in families who are in court.

A family member (male btw) has his boys 50/50, he loves it but the boys hate it. They want to be with their dad all the time and just see their mum at weekends.

Their situation is strange though because she's a nurse and works a shift pattern of 14 off, 7 days, 7 nights, so they spend 2 weeks at a time at each house. They also don't have a room at all at their mums as their older half sibling, siblings DP and siblings baby lives in the only spare room so they sleep on the sofa. Whereas even though they have another older half-sib at their dads they have a room and beds and toys.

My own DC goes to their dads EOWend and hates that too, they want to see their dad more so I think neither situation works well.

We do 2 week nights at his and 1 weekend a month. The majority of time he's here which I prefer obviously. His dad doesn't tend to do very much with him so I feel he's better and more stimulated here. It's also closer to his school

I think it is easier when they are older. I have 50/50 with my ex and basically the kids stay wherever they want except every other weekend when we have set time without the kids.

It works because a) we get on and b) we have older kids and can be a bit more flexible.

Tbh the thing we fall out over most is if the ex has planned to make the kids dinner and then they decide to come to mine!! That really gets his goat. Even if they tell him 6 days before.... He meal plans and apparently this is an insurmountable problem for him. I just roll my eyes and say there there in appropriate places.

It works really well for us. But it might not depending on the kids or adults relationships

I "lived" with my mum and "stayed" with my dad during his contact time. When he got remarried, it then became "visiting" dad. I never saw his house as another home.

My friend had 50/50 with her parents. She says she didn't feel like she had one home, never mind two. She "stayed" with her mum one week then "stayed" with her dad the next.

Do children ever actually feel like they have two homes?

I should now, we have 50/50 each but some months I have the kids 100% of the time, others he had them 100%. We don't add it up. If we did I'd say they spend 60% of time at mine, but I'm lovely so why wouldn't thay 😉😂

Same. We are 50/50. DC has everything he needs at both houses and has been in that routine for 10 years now. I asked him once and he said well I'd prefer you both living together but that didn't work so this is good.

You definitely need to be quite organised. Only thing that ever needs moved around is football kit though.

We live about 5 miles apart.

He's very much at home in both houses.

Glad OP started this thread very interesting. The resident parent has a lot from time but you get to see your the most and most kids are attached to the mother the most. I've left my child (was dating his dad still then) for a whole week whilst I had a girls holiday and he was 9 months old. I think ultimately a child is too young to be passed between houses and it's uncommon so perhaps as a nation we are not used to the men pulling their weight also regarding parenting? I can't quite articulate it but I would miss my child and even though it's relentless at times and I would like his dad to do more than EOW and 3 weeks of the school holidays I don't think I would swop for a 50/50 split even if I could.

We do 50/50 with 3 nights on, 3 nights off. Plenty of leeway if either of us want to take DD somewhere, or if we have other plans. DD is 9 and has actively asked to keep this arrangement. We’re both fine with it and it works well because we get on.

As DD gets older I realise that this may need to change, and I’m open to this. Whatever works best for DD.

This is why I won’t leave my husband in the main.
He says he’d want 50/50 and I don’t think it would suit the children - especially my ASD child - at all.
They are bonded to me, as the main care giver.
If I thought it was best for them I’d give it a go but I genuinely don’t think it would be.

This thread makes me think that 50/50 nesting is a better option. Parents move in and out and wear the pain of a transient lifestyle.

EOW would never work if my partner and I ever separated. He and the children wouldn't cope not seeing each other.

My daughter (19) had a few friends who experienced 50/50 growing up - it works with good communication and living close to each other/school etc. Flexibility as well. As they get older they naturally spend more time at the house that’s less noisy - usually the house with no younger siblings!! This seems to be the case with uni as well as one lost his room at his Dads, so just moved some stuff to his Mums and uni place. still healthy relationship with both parents though.

They both seem happy children! The ones who had parents EOW and had good communication also all seemed ok. Same though again once she was old enough moved to her Dads as the Mums house had younger siblings!

The kids who parents used apps /email texts and rubbish communication or lived far away seemed to be the most unsettled.

How does nesting work when new partners come on the scene?

A brilliant idea. Somewhere along the line we stopped seeing kids as 'victims' of divorce, possibly to make adults feel better. Let the grown ups take the pain. I see so many sad kids whose parents cart them across to each every few days.

I know a few kids that started off with 50:50, but as they've got older, have declared they've had enough of 50:50. The one switched from 50:50 to majority mum's at 9 nine years old (dad on a Friday night), the other asked to go to their dad's every other weekend at 12 years old. Another switched to majority dad at 10 (mum remarried and had another 3 kids and moved 40 minutes from his school, dad lived round the corner with willing and capable grandparents able to help out all the time).

I don't know any children where it has lasted throughout childhood.

Wow. I can't get my head around having a child and then wanting as much time as possible away from them.

One of my friends has 50/50 with her ex husband and their three kids spend 50/50 at both mum and dad’s houses. It works very well and the kids are absolutely fine but I think that’s because (1) mum and dad get on very well still, (2) both houses are a few minutes apart so it’s all quite seamless and (3) the kids treat both houses as ‘home’ (ie. they have all they need at both houses so it’s never as if they’re carting toys or clothes between the two; everything they need is wherever they are).

I think pulling weight is subjective as well. My husband pulls his weight but he doesn't spend as much time with our child as me as he works full-time. We have different roles and she's attached to us both but ultimately if she ever had to live with one of us I know for a fact she would prefer to live with me.

It's just different for mothers and fathers on the whole, I find, although not in every case obviously, but children attach to the woman they were inside for nine months differently to the father.

For a while it would be just the same as with EOW - you would just go on dates when you were off duty. Perhaps move in with the new partner part time??

My parents divorced when I was a toddler and remained amicable, even friendly, my whole life. I lived with my mum and had weekend contact with my dad when I was little and mum's was definitely 'home' at that point. When I reaxhed 10ish my time was split a lot more to try to be 'fair' to my dad. I had a great relationship with him but the net result was, I didn't feel like I had two homes - I didn't feel at home in either household after a while (there were half or step siblings in both). I ended up moving in with my grandparents for most of my teenage years. I hated feeling so unsettled and would 100% have preferred to have one home and weekend contact with the other parent. I feel really sorry for kids in 50/50 arrangements - I just think it's selfish on the part of the parents who want their "rights". If you wouldn't like moving between homes as an adult, why would your kids like it?

My friend’s daughter is 50-50 and I was thinking about this recently.

she talks about mum’s house and dad’s house never my house. Mum’s cat, dad’s cat etc.

ita all she have ever known and it only sounds odd to others. But it must be strange to not have a single place in your mind that is home.

You see them on the week off. Easier then when you have the kids more often and only the odd weekend without them. Means no merging has to happen until you are completely sure.

I know a family like this and they say it works wonderfully for their 11 year old. Say he gets twice the love and attention etc. I'm not convinced he will feel the same way once he gets older though for all the reasons mentioned here.