What's it really like for a child with 50/50 custody mum and dad?

[rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo]

I can only ask for experience. I was brought up by a single parent with little involvement from the other. So I have no idea what it would be like to be shared.

What's it like for those of you who grew up with an arrangement like this where you live between two houses?

I want to know if it's overall good or bad. Just out of interest as I got thinking about this. Thankfully I don't have to consider it for my child but I am very curious.

It sounds exhausting for the kids (and sometimes done for the benefit of the parents and not the child). I say this as the Aunt of a 11 year old who never spends a week in her own bed before swapping to another one who really just wants to stay with her Mum (and she is my brothers child).

My parents split when I was 5 and if they hadn’t done 50/50 I guess I would have been with my mum mainly - from an outside point of view she probably had the more suitable home situation. By the time I got to around 10/11 I hated being at my mums, the way she and her husband treated me was awful but again, from an outside point of view she would probably have been the more “suitable” one - married, two more kids, large home whereas my dad was single, much smaller home, worked less predictable hours. If my mum had decided she wanted me full time and taken it to court I don’t think it’s impossible she would have won but I shudder to think how much worse my childhood would have been.

So I’m probably massively biased but from my experience 50/50 as the starting point is a good thing.

My friends teens have access to both parents houses whenever they want rather than set days - they have a family diary they say where they are eating. Houses are under 5 mins walk away. Y works well and kids are very well adjusted plus matter of fact about it including when mum or dad says they need space for a night/weekend (code for dating!)

Gosh that's interesting. Scandinavian countries have some of the highest teen suicide rates in Europe, which again could be for any number of reasons, but it is interesting alongside the research we did

We used to be with my mother Monday to Friday, then weekends with my father. I would have preferred it one week on, one week off. They lived walking distance from each other so it worked well. After having seen both my parents every day for my whole life up until then, it would have been very upsetting not to see them both regularly.

Personally, I loved it. Two Christmases, two holidays in the summer. Great!

How does school work?

50/50 cause major trauma for the child in my opinion.

We did it and it was ok until she was 12 and then that is when all the problems arose. We did not co parent very well at all. We barely spoke, the child was not allowed to speak about her time in our house when she was with her dad.
At the age of 14 my DD decided she did not want to stay in her dads overnight and this caused huge trauma for her as he guilt tripped her for years as a result she no has control issues, very low self esteem, has struggled through all her teenage years and now has what we believe to be an eating sidisorder.
If I could turn back the clock I would have never ever allowed it to happen as it did not benefit her at all.

It's great you're friends. It's how you view it I guess because I would want more time with the kids not more free time.

@Getoff why would it be what's best for me? Surely could be argued that people pushing for 50/50 could be considering what's best for them as it gives them as much time to themselves as possible?
I just stated I wouldn't personally want my kids to be switching and changing between two homes and the kids I grew up with who did hated the arrangement.

50/50 may work really well in some cases and I'm not denying that but I personally think children should maintain one secure 'home' despite a split that wasn't their fault. (This is no judgement to those that decide otherwise for other circumstances, just what stance I would personally take with my own DC!)

My parents divorced when I was a toddler, my dad wasn’t really interested (which causes its own issues!), so we only saw him sporadically, but I think 50/50 would have been awful for me.

I would have hated moving each week & not feeling anywhere was “home”, and would have been anxious about each switch.

I expect it can work, but I doubt that it does work in the majority of cases.

I adore my boys and see them all the time, it's made me an even better mum as they get so much more attention from me now, and same with him.
But it's harder on your own, so one of the positives is to get a rest. And it's only fair both parents, when they are both loving parents of course, get equal time with the kids and equal downtime.

Didn't work for me. Well it did for about 8 weeks but ExH is a pretty unreliable parent and they defaulted back to me.

If you've a slightly more mature, dependable Ex with whom you can communicate it would probably be ok

Fucking horrible.

I just wanted a main base to have most of my stuff in. I didn't want to travel so much. Every other weekend and longer in holidays would have been MY preference.

That's shocking. This should be looked into.

I didn't want two bastard homes

No personal experience but know if a family that do it. Kids seem fractious and unsettled. Both parents refuse to take the kids to their activities on the day its "their" week, so kids only go to swimming/tennis/rainbows etc every other week. Petty and stupid. The parents have done it so they get as much free time as possible. No consideration for the needs of the children.

Even if 50/50 one parents home never feels like home whilst the other does so feels uncomfortable as you grow older.

Well yes that doesn't work as the parents aren't working as a team.

As in nested kids or moving between 2 homes? I can’t quite work out what the common set up was?

I'm a child of divorced parents and I also used to be a teacher and saw lots of kids from divorced homes.

It can work fine when parents work as a team and are on the same page about child rearing . When they commit to regular patterns of access and are consistent.

It's a nightmare when:

1. parents are pitted against each other and constantly pumping the kid for intelligence or trying to score points against each other.

2. Parents have wildly different parenting styles - lack of consistency of boundaries and rules becomes confusing and a source of arguments.

3. When one parent dips in and out of the child's life randomly. This was a big trigger for a lot of kids I saw. Routine is everything!

4. When parents prioritise the wishes of new spouses over their kids

5. When living arrangements are insecure - temporary accommodation etc

Basically kids need to feel safe and they need consistency in their lives. If they have that, they can adapt to differing family structures without lasting impact. But it takes effort and commitment on the part of the parents...

I lived in a 50:50 situation from age 6 which my parents decided upon (no court order). It had pros and cons and the latter outweighed the former. By the time I was 13-14 I started staying more at my DM’s as I was absolutely sick to death of living my life out of a suitcase and all the other upheaval that went with it.

I do think these arrangements are mostly to suit parental access to their DC as of course most parents don’t want to only see their DC fortnightly and a night in the week; however, the best situation for the child should always be paramount even if this causes grief to the parent who sees them the least. 50:50 situations should be reviewed regularly particularly as children get older and parents should be open to agreeing new arrangements.

My friend is going through a nasty custody battle over their 3 year old and her abusive ex wants 50:50. Not only is there abuse involved but I am horrified at the thought that a court could force a 3 year old to live in a 50:50 arrangement. I had a hard enough time as a 6 year old but 3? Absolutely bloody no from me, as someone who has lived through it as a child myself. Stuff what the parents want 😡

I think it really depends on the child.

my nephew has been 50/50 his whole life pretty much. His parents live in the same street, they get on well so there’s no arguments, and he (he’s now 19) has always felt like a lucky kid who had two actual homes instead of one.

My ex insisted on it for a (thankfully) very short period when my girls were younger. They hated it. They never, ever felt at home in his house, because of the way him and his new wife treated them, and being there half the week was horrible for them.

There’s a family I know where the kids remain in the house 100% of the time and the adults move between the house and a flat. So they have 50/50 but the kids don’t need to move. It seems like a good arrangement but I don’t see it lasting so smoothly if either of the parents meet a new partner.

My kids don't live out of a suitcase, they have everything at both houses. Just trying to counter some of the negatives people are saying.
Just think this thread could be harmful to women wanting to split from an unhappy relationship but the idea of 50:50 might stop them.

Unsurprised there is an association with mental illness.
I could see it working if the parents lived close to each other and got on reasonably well.
But throw in warring parents, step-parents and worst of all, unrelated blended siblings and the child ends up with nowhere to call home.

Sadly, I don't think there's a brilliant answer. It also varies enormously between kids.

I think the most children don't like it & don't benefit from it. I think they do best when they have 'home' & dads/mums house. They need A home as much as we do and I think few of us would want to be moving every week back & forth. As an adult I did a live in job for about 3 years. For various reasons I couldn't leave stuff in the room I used at work, so every bloody three weeks it was a full move in/move out. Had it been every week I may well have gone completely mad. Yes it was different as I had responsibilities at work so it was pretty full on, but even if I'd been looked after instead I wouldn't have chosen
it.

I can't be done with 'free floating children' either, so I guess it's EOW & holidays as it suits everyone.

none of its ideal, but neither is life on the whole!!