What's it really like for a child with 50/50 custody mum and dad?

[rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo]

I can only ask for experience. I was brought up by a single parent with little involvement from the other. So I have no idea what it would be like to be shared.

What's it like for those of you who grew up with an arrangement like this where you live between two houses?

I want to know if it's overall good or bad. Just out of interest as I got thinking about this. Thankfully I don't have to consider it for my child but I am very curious.

Those who were unhappy about it as children, what were you telling your parents?

I'd imagine a lot of them told their parents it was great. I think it's impossible to rely completely on what a child is telling you. Most children want to please their parents, especially children with separated parents I imagine.

Oh yes I forgot to say that I used to say that I was glad my parents divorced and split time as I had two christmases etc. All lies but i didn’t feel I could tell the truth.

Yes, this is exactly what we see, although TbF, I don't see children who are living happy balanced lives.

I also see it in my own children. I'm widowed so it's not about one parent v the other, but they definitely tell me what they think I want to hear, in attempt to avoid making life harder for me and it's very easy for me to take that at face value because it is what I want to hear.

I also see it in my own children. I'm widowed so it's not about one parent v the other, but they definitely tell me what they think I want to hear, in attempt to avoid making life harder for me and it's very easy for me to take that at face value because it is what I want to hear.

Definitely. I don't think it's unique to children with separated parents, I think most children often tell their parents what they think they want to hear.

I was also guilty of the 'oh it's great because I get two Christmases' etc.. stuff when I was growing up. In reality I'd have been happy to have my parents back together. Although looking back as an adult now I can see that it wouldn't have been better as they were no good together! So I can see they made the best of a bad situation and I accept that now as an adult, I don't actually harbour many issues at all now due to my parents separation. It was certainly a difficult period of my childhood but I don't think it affects me as an adult these days.

Yes I imagine that’s true. I work with children in these circumstances and it’s very common to find them masking their true feelings in order to keep their parents happy.

Works for some kids, doesn't work for others- and they need to be the focus. I have a 60/40 split, both shift workers, so also it's not consistent with nights. Good communication so she always knows where she is and for how long, she's NT so also doesn't have issues with anxiety or change which massively helps. Good communication regarding plans and issues with her dad (took a while) and she appears to be ok with it. If that changes in the future, then we would have to look at that, but realistically- we need the jobs we have to be able to raise her so if a change was needed it would be hard! I also understand that for a myriad of reasons- this set up would t suit other children- she's done it since she was 1- we have no family so working had to be a factor in the split. I also find it really frustrating when people (women) assume that 'any child' who is in this situation is a quivering emotional mess who feels pushed around and no one wants them with no stability. Again, this may be a concern for some but there isnt a one size fits all, it juts needs to take it (main) account how the child is with the arrangement, not purely what the adults want

We also live only a few street apart- so no issues with friends or having friends over or going to other kids houses.

the kids have lived with mum and dad has just been hands on and available that has worked really well

.....or vice versa, of course.

My parents did 50/50 with us when we were teens, and it was awful. Changing on a Wednesday, so you’d go to school from one house and go home to another. Some weeks changing Saturday, some Sunday, to make sure it was definitely 50/50. Done purely for the parents want, not the childrens need. It went on for about a year I think, and thank god stopped.

both shift workers, so also it's not consistent with nights. Good communication so she always knows where she is and for how long

This is so important with shift workers. One of my friends is a step mother and her DSCs mum works shifts and never tells them or the kids what days or nights until sometimes the day of! It's a nightmare for everyone involved.

Well this thread makes me feel great about ending my shit marriage lol

Of course all kids would ultimately wish their parents stayed together (aside from awful abuse etc) it's only looking back as an adult that you see why it was for the best. My parents stayed together and I loved it as a kid.. I didn't see how depressed they both were. As an adult I wished they had split and found happiness, and I would have wanted to see them both equally.

And people saying they'd want more as they are the primary parent.. 50:50 gives the other parent chance to equalise that. My ex was always a lovely dad but I was a SAHM so did most of the hands on caring stuff, taking them out, the mental load.. this has meant he is an even better dad now and so much more involved. He loves being an equal caregiver and the kids love being even closer to their dad.
But some dads don't want more involvement.
All situations are different.

This is pretty much what I'm taking from this. We're trying marriage counselling but the thought of staying is crushing me. But reading this thread is making me think how can I do this to my kids.

Don't let it put you off, just find the best situation that works for your family.

Separation is hard for kids. That's just a fact.

BUT it can be worse staying in an unhappy home where there is tension and your parents are miserable. Do not let it put you off separating. As I say, it was a difficult period of my childhood and I did wish my parents would be together but I can see as an adult it was the right decision and my childhood dream of a super happy brady bunch family was not realistic. It was much better for me and I believe that now.

We obviously want things to be perfect for our children but that's not life. You just have to find the best solution you can for them when things don't go how you'd have liked them to. It's life. If you're doing your best given a difficult situation, they will know that.

I should have just stayed and put up with it.

No one's saying that.

Not accusing anyone of saying anything. I believe now I should have stayed and gritted my teeth.

@EscapeIntoABook Please don't just take in the negative posts.. yes many have handled 50/50 wrong and it can be chaotic and unsettling for the child but there are also many of us who have made it a seamless, positive thing. The ultimate ingredient of this is two parents who still get on and are on the same page. Live close together. Have everything child needs at both houses. Both loving and involved parents.
Otherwise I can see why different ways work better.
But don't let it stop you leaving an unhappy relationship.. a crushed mum is not whats best for them. You just need to think about what time split works best for your family.

I work with children and teenagers and frequently encounter situations where one parent has pushed for 50/50 on principle, despite never having done anything approaching 50% of the childcare before they split. IME this is often detrimental to the DC and this is where we see kids turning up to school late, tired, in incorrect uniform and getting detentions for missed homework every other week.

Even when DC are well cared for and there is a degree of consistency across both homes, they will often express a clear preference for one home over the other and say that if it was up to them they would spend more time there. Although they will rarely voice this to their parents. This isn't necessarily because anything is "wrong" with one parent or home situation. It may just be that their friends all live closer to Mum's, or one home is nearer to the school and the journey to/from is a pain or that there's more space at one home. But most often it's because families have blended and they don't particularly like Mum/Dad's new partner or their DC, although again they will usually keep this from their parents. Most kids just want their parents to be happy and can be very good at hiding their feelings to protect them.

Not directly, but indirectly this thread could be read as it's best for the children to paper over the cracks and stay together and if that fails then your child will be damaged in some way, your child will lie to you so you will never know what they really want and any arrangement made will by definition fall short of staying together and faking it.

No one should stay in a marriage that is making them unhappy. That doesn't benefit DC either. It's about how you handle it. If you can keep things as amicable as possible, prioritise what's best for the DC and not do things like badmouth each other in front of them then they will adjust.

No it's about finding what's genuinely best for children rather than what's fair for parents and recognising that what they tell you might not be what they're feeling

Or you could look at this thread as potential pitfalls that can be avoided in the event of a split. If both parties are willing to put the DC first then they will he fine.