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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent caused a scene in public. AIBU to be so angry

244 replies

Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:18

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 16/08/2022 19:19

Or maybe find out why she behaved liked this, if it's out of character? Is she unwell?

mondaytosunday · 16/08/2022 19:21

It's not about you! It's about her. Instead of thinking 'how could she do this to me', think 'what is going on with her that she has reacted this way and how can I help'.

Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:22

MiniCooperLover · 16/08/2022 19:19

Or maybe find out why she behaved liked this, if it's out of character? Is she unwell?

Being angry isn't out of character and as far as I know she's fine. She inherited her short temper from my grandfather.

She never takes responsibility for anything. To ruin an until now relaxing holiday for others is unforgivable imo. If she doesn't apologise I don't think I can just accept it and move on. She clearly has an issue with my dad and instead of dealing with it thought nothing of dragging me into it and ruining my trip.

OP posts:
Antarcticant · 16/08/2022 19:22

It does sound as though something is wrong. Health issues (physical or mental)? Relationship difficulties you are unaware of?

StoneofDestiny · 16/08/2022 19:22

Sounds like you dad has twice caused it.

VintageVest · 16/08/2022 19:22

What was she so upset about?

Justmuddlingalong · 16/08/2022 19:24

You see her behaviour as an overreaction, it doesn't sound like she does. Let her calm down and try to support her. Do not belittle her feelings though.

Isaidnoalready · 16/08/2022 19:25

I find it good practice to not beg attention seekers to stay let them flounce its not like they are going to do anything but go home and cause drama when you get there

Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:25

VintageVest · 16/08/2022 19:22

What was she so upset about?

She feels like he sometimes tries to cause arguments. Tries to pitch us against each other. But she also lacks a sense of humour. Always been this way, everything is taken as a slight against her.

The way I see it is we were in a restaurant, a public place, and she chose to react in a certain way and ruin my trip as well. I think that is totally wrong.

My dad has his moments but he isn't abusive or nasty, he paid for the whole damn trip for her birthday

OP posts:
SuperlativeOxymoron · 16/08/2022 19:26

I would take your mum aside, maybe to a coffee shop, just you and her and ask if everything is OK as she seems to be getting upset with your dad.
It sounds like things aren't great and she may need some sympathy, or someone to lean on. I know as the 'child' in this situation you don't expect to be an emotional crutch for your parent, but as an adult, sometimes you need to be there for them.

Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:27

The thing is that both parents assured me it would be a lovely trip. my mum said 'we'll all be nice to each other' but regardless of her annoyance at a comment he made to the ruin the last night of the trip...

No I'm not feeling sympathetic for the moment.

OP posts:
Chikapu · 16/08/2022 19:28

Is your dad a bit of a dick? Do you always take his side against her?

Flutterbybudget · 16/08/2022 19:30

Being dragged into other peoples arguments is never pleasant, but from what you said, it sounds as if you’ve backed away from the relationship for several years, putting some (much needed) distance between you. The first time that you are put yourself back into the situation the problem appears to recur.
Why don’t you try to spend some time with just your mum, and ask her what’s going on? I don’t know what your parents relationship is like, but it’s not impossible (to an outsider anyway) that it’s more strained than you’ve been privy to see over the past few years.

Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:31

Chikapu · 16/08/2022 19:28

Is your dad a bit of a dick? Do you always take his side against her?

No I don't take sides.

In this case I was just sitting eating my dinner. She then went to insult him and included me in the insult - along the lines of 'both of you bla bla'. I asked why she was bringing me into this and that's when she threw the napkin and stood up.

It's worth saying on trips just me and her we don't fight like this. But to have arranged this for her birthday and be assured by both of them they'd behave...I'm very disappointed.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 16/08/2022 19:31

So your dad was a dick to your mum but you think your mum should have shut up and taken it became you wanted a relaxing holiday?

luxxlisbon · 16/08/2022 19:33

She then went to insult him and included me in the insult - along the lines of 'both of you bla bla'.

Honestly im not surprised she’s lumping you in the same category as him. You are making this all about you which is incredibly selfish considering she was the one upset in the first place.
Sounds like you both are cut from the same cloth.

godmum56 · 16/08/2022 19:34

honestly, hoping for a trip with parents to be a stress reliever has to be the ultimate triumph of hope over experience

Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:34

luxxlisbon · 16/08/2022 19:31

So your dad was a dick to your mum but you think your mum should have shut up and taken it became you wanted a relaxing holiday?

I don't think what he said was worthy of her attack. He has his moments as I said but that wasn't one of them. Maybe she's just really fed up with them for other reasons.

Either way, I'm not saying she should take anything. But making a scene in a restaurant knowing how important a relaxing break was to me too - I find it utterly selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:35

luxxlisbon · 16/08/2022 19:33

She then went to insult him and included me in the insult - along the lines of 'both of you bla bla'.

Honestly im not surprised she’s lumping you in the same category as him. You are making this all about you which is incredibly selfish considering she was the one upset in the first place.
Sounds like you both are cut from the same cloth.

I think that is really unfair. I didn't start a fight with anyone. I was just enjoying my meal..it's horrible being put in the middle of parents arguments.

OP posts:
titchy · 16/08/2022 19:36

Well you have totally blamed your mum for everything - a celebration for her birthday, your dad said something that wasn't very nice, has probably ruined her holiday, yet your dad is blameless and she isn't.

Maybe she actually can't bear your dad but feels she has to go along with his apparently generous gestures in order to pretend everything is ok.

Something is wrong with/for her - talk to her. Be an adult. Or sulk because your free holiday was ruined 🤷‍♀️

Suzi888 · 16/08/2022 19:36

Why did you stop her from leaving? I’d have let her go and said I’ll be with you right after my meal.

'we'll all be nice to each other'- if you have to say that, then there is clearly going to be an issue. I wouldn’t go again, unless this is a one off argument.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/08/2022 19:37

If, before a get together, someone said 'we'll all be nice to each other', that would be a red flag to me. I'd back away from spending as much time with them and definitely avoid future trips away.

titchy · 16/08/2022 19:37

But making a scene in a restaurant knowing how important a relaxing break was to me too - I find it utterly selfish.

Ffs if you want a relaxing break, go on one. Pay for it yourself, choose who you go with and where you go. This wasn't to give you a nice holiday. You sound totally self absorbed.

TrashPandas · 16/08/2022 19:38

Your post is all about you and your feelings, with absolutely zero attempt to think about how your parents are feeling or what might be going on with them. The vast, vast majority of people would have said "I think Mum was angry because Y" or at least "I don't know what was wrong with her and she wouldn't say when I asked."

You're not at all bothered that your mum had a horrible birthday present, just that you felt "direspected" and she was "selfish" for ruining your holiday... which was actually a present for her big birthday.

You don't sound very nice.

Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:38

It wasn't a free holiday @titchy - I paid for some fairly expensive theatre tickets and have more than paid my way.

I am not saying he is innocent but ruining everyone's last night was not on. If they were having issues I wish she'd told me she didn't think they were up to the trip.

OP posts: