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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent caused a scene in public. AIBU to be so angry

244 replies

Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:18

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 16/08/2022 21:07

ancientpants · 16/08/2022 20:59

You've avoided answering 2 very important questions. What did your dad say and how old are you)

Also, it's your mom's birthday, your dad says something horrible to her and yet you're e upset? It's obvious that the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree. You all sound insufferable.

Yup.

RealBecca · 16/08/2022 21:12

Well clearly what ye said was horrible otherwise you would say what it was.

Or "it's a family joke, it needs loads of explaining of the backstory blah blah blah." Whatever it is she has clearly had enough. And most posters agree you are taking sides and making it about you.

Perhaps they are an example of parents that would be better off divorced. Next time see them individually and get quality 1:1 time.

1AngelicFruitCake · 16/08/2022 21:12

Why is everyone attacking you?! Sounds to me like she’s been difficult throughout the holiday, been making digs, lost it and brought you into it.
Having a big birthday doesn’t mean you act however you want. The way I’ve seen some people act on big birthdays is so self indulgent and completely oblivious to anyone else.

Tigofigo · 16/08/2022 21:14

No arguments until 4 years ago? Doesn't sound too bad to me. And yes it does sound quite badly handled by your parents but why would one short argument ruin a week's holiday, when it's the end of the holiday especially?

Families aren't perfect, sounds like your parents are in a rough patch and you could do with upping your resilience (and not going on holiday with them again).

knackeredagain · 16/08/2022 21:14

Haven’t RTFT but dare I ask whether alcohol was involved? I know a few older women who seem to cause arguments after wine. I suspect they crush their resentments down, day in day out, but they bubble up when disinhibited. I think they/we are conditioned into people pleasing and putting everyone else first without being able to articulate their/our own needs in a healthy way.

Appreciate I may be well off the mark. Just sounds a lot like SMIL and a few others I know.

BoneTiredMother · 16/08/2022 21:15

Sounds like your Mum might be unhappy in her life/marriage and needs to talk to someone about it. A professional. If we can't tell our stories they tell themselves anyway in our actions. She sounds sad.

SugarHorse · 16/08/2022 21:15

Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:38

It wasn't a free holiday @titchy - I paid for some fairly expensive theatre tickets and have more than paid my way.

I am not saying he is innocent but ruining everyone's last night was not on. If they were having issues I wish she'd told me she didn't think they were up to the trip.

But you said that your father 'paid for the whole damn trip'?

Whitehorsegirl · 16/08/2022 21:17

I think most people are missing the point...

You are not being unreasonable to expect people not to behave like immature toddlers and purposely have fights/tantrums in public over nothing, especially as this has already caused an issue in the past.

It sounds like you either have parents who enjoy creating drama and division and can't control their temper or there are issues in their marriage and this is coming out at inappropriate time.

I personally cannot stand people who throw tantrums and argue in public and spoil it for everyone else like that so I completely understand where you are coming from.

I would simply go back to distancing yourself from them.

I had parents like that. Often outings would turn into an argument over nothing when I was a child and one of them would start ranting and raving in public and get aggressive which I just found utterly embarrassing. We hardly did anything together as a family and anything we did was spoilt but the emotional immaturity on display. As an adult I have no time to waste on anyone who behaves in this manner, it makes no difference if they are relatives.

KnockedInn · 16/08/2022 21:18

I don't think you should completely cut your mom out. It sounds like she might be of the age that she's going through menopause. And feeling more sensitive than you have been accustomed to. Are there could be a multitude of other things causing her to go off. Even someone's blood pressure can affect their mood.

Soontobe60 · 16/08/2022 21:19

What did your father actually say? You’ve said your mum reacted to him, but what did she react to?

Fladdermus · 16/08/2022 21:20

So according to you your dad has his moments, but nothing to make any fuss over and your mum has no sense of humour. She then snaps at the pair of you and is crying. You have zero empathy for how upset she was and are pissed at how it ruined your holiday, even though it was her holiday that you were sharing. It comes across to me that she reached the end of her tether with the low level bullying she was enduring.

Junipermoon94 · 16/08/2022 21:23

Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:18

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

I think everyone has missed a very important part.

You said you're considering grey rocking, if your parents that draining get going. I know how you feel, I think your mother knew exactly what she was doing.

Stay strong.

Velvian · 16/08/2022 21:26

It does sound like you're being a bit hard on her, @Celia24 . Holidaying with anyone for a week, there is bound to be a bit of friction.

I limit family trips to 3 nights, because I know I will be struggling after that time, no matter how good an idea it seems at the time.

You said in your OP that your dad caused the last fall out, so I think you're being a bit unfair to your mum. She's human and you're an adult, so you could let it go tbh.

It sounds like your mum does not really have the language to express her emotions, many of us don't. You say she gets it from her dad.

You must have upset her at some point/s in the week and she thought she would let it go, but then found she couldn't keep a lid on it.

CharlotteByrde · 16/08/2022 21:27

So far, we've had guesses that your mum might have dementia, be a narc or be menopausal. Personally, it seems far more likely that she is got angry and upset because your dad said something horrible and you didn't support her - he has form for it after all.

rnsaslkih · 16/08/2022 21:29

I would just drive away. Why are you even sticking around the last night?

Velvian · 16/08/2022 21:30

Are your dad's 'jokes' quite misogynistic and dismissive of your mum's efforts and opinions? Do you laugh along with him?

If that was what had been going on in the lead up to the outburst, I think you need a rethink of the dynamics and who should be apologising to whom.

You also said that your dad paid for the accommodation. Does your mum not have an income?

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 21:33

Velvian · 16/08/2022 21:30

Are your dad's 'jokes' quite misogynistic and dismissive of your mum's efforts and opinions? Do you laugh along with him?

If that was what had been going on in the lead up to the outburst, I think you need a rethink of the dynamics and who should be apologising to whom.

You also said that your dad paid for the accommodation. Does your mum not have an income?

Be careful of your back, making leaps like that you might pull a disk

lking679 · 16/08/2022 21:42

OP not sure I understand some of the responses to you on here. It’s different if it’s out of character or a one off, if you were wary of this happening and proved right then of course it’s upsetting for you.

I’ve been on family holidays before where the dynamic is there is always a fall out and it’s stressful and horrible. Really your parents should know better.

I can’t really tell you what to do, maybe more trips with one parent at a time and some counseling. I’d let your parents know you’re really disappointed in how it all turned out too - though it sounds like they know!

sympathies anyway, hope you can get passed it.

Tinkity · 16/08/2022 21:43

WHAT DID YOUR DAD SAY?

Gwenhwyfar · 16/08/2022 21:44

I was expecting something much worse than crying in a restaurant after an argument.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 16/08/2022 21:44

Tinkity · 16/08/2022 21:43

WHAT DID YOUR DAD SAY?

Yes. This.

What did he say?

RenegadeMatron · 16/08/2022 21:45

You are studiously ignoring the question about what your Dad said, @Celia24 …

Velvian · 16/08/2022 21:53

Good one @PollyRockets .

I don't think it's too much of a leap, there's the whole thing about how OP's dad 'paid for the whole damn trip'.

An assumption that the mum should be passively going along with what her DH and DD have arranged for her. That she should be grateful for everything.

That she should behave herself and not express emotions.

I'm picking up a misogynistic vibe.

TabithaTittlemouse · 16/08/2022 21:54

Are you an only child?

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 21:54

Velvian · 16/08/2022 21:53

Good one @PollyRockets .

I don't think it's too much of a leap, there's the whole thing about how OP's dad 'paid for the whole damn trip'.

An assumption that the mum should be passively going along with what her DH and DD have arranged for her. That she should be grateful for everything.

That she should behave herself and not express emotions.

I'm picking up a misogynistic vibe.

No, you're making assumptions based on your own bias

It's quite baffling