Parent caused a scene in public. AIBU to be so angry

[Celia24]

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

Didn't the OP say that they were having a debate about something and the dad said ' I agree with the OP' which set the mum off?
Either way, I agree that it sounds like the mum is hugely sensitive at what she may feel has been lots of comments all week and people do snap even at milder comments when at the end of their tether

Have to agree with others, OP, you sound very self-absorbed. More like a teen than an older child.

After being asked what her dad said dozens (literally dozens) of times and ignoring the question, she relented and said they ‘disagreed over something they saw in the news’ and her dad said ‘I agree with OP’.

She won’t say what the news story was, what they disagreed about or why she didn’t just give this explanation when initially asked. I don’t think OP is a particularly reliable narrator.

This sounds like my family! Most of the time my parents are fine, but then, moments just like this. I have no advice, except to say, you’re not alone. I tell myself I’ll
never behave like that.

You sound totally self absorbed, emotionless and unforgiving - your reaction is so extreme going to cut contact with your mum because she was upset and cried in a restaurant. Maybe she couldn't help being upset or had other things on her mind and this was the trigger. People are allowed to be upset, even if it ruins a night for you. Like seriously this is your mum - do you not care she is upset?

I think that was unfair too @Celia24 Unless you have been in that kind of position with your parents it’s hard for people to understand but I am posting to say I absolutely get where you are coming from!
For now I think you should retreat and let them/her/him come to you!
your feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s and your parents need to realise that whatever issues they have between them, it has nothing to do with you - simple manners and common courtesy should’ve STOPPED your mum from causing such a scene and pulling you in - it’s almost like attention seeking or a child having a temper tantrum!
YANBU x

I wondered this as well. DM was terrible to DD before he passed away.

@5foot5

OP has implied she has made a great deal of effort and spent a lot of money for her mum's birthday and was definitely not along for the free holiday. Then OP says her mum must be begged to stay at the table because they are 'out in the sticks'. So probably not a rough area, I don't know that many cows get killed in gang crossfire or know of badgers that mug people. More likely, as you said, unlit roads with no pavement. I don't know of many expensive theatres near unlit unpaved roads. So I can believe that OP shelled out loads for theatre tickets, or I can believe the holiday is in the middle of nowhere. I can't believe both.

I'm sure there are lots of summer events in rural areas. I didn't say there weren't. I just haven't seen an expensive theatre that you can drive your tractor to. You obviously have the better of me if there are several near you. I very much like Norfolk so I'll keep my eyes peeled next time.

she sound like my mum who i'm pretty sure has undiagnosed BPD. YANBU, OP. I think lots of the posters here have no idea what it's like to deal with unstable parents who didn't bother to fix their mental health issues before having kids. i think if you wanted to go no contact, at least for a while, no one would blame you. i did it earlier this year for a few months after my "D"M was being particularly crazy, and it helped me to see what was my responsibility and what i couldn't, and shouldn't try to, control.

O think a lot of posters are questioning the OP because she is so vague about the details and keeps insisting that what was said was insignificant.
So either the OP is here to stir, or she knows the details may present a different point of view. Otherwise why not just say.

It sounds like you are wanted on holiday with them to be a bloody adjudicator. I wouldn't put myself in that position. Maybe they genuinely have nothing to say or do together outside of their home routine and you are there to be a distraction from the great divide or Cold War that goes on between couples like this. Either way, no more.

Do you think op the apple didn’t fall far from the tree? I can’t imagine reacting with such anger like you, then using the old mumsnet grey rock cliche, and focusing more on your own embarassement than having any form of concern for your mother.

she may have issues but yours look way more extreme to me.

In my experience the people who describe others as having no sense of humour are usually the ones bullying them.

Tell them to divorce already

OP, buy this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson. I have parents who were/are often prone to very emotional outbursts during which they'd say very hurtful or damaging things to me. The book helps you understand them and lower your expectations whilst strengthening your boundaries. It will save your sanity.

I also wonder what role alcohol plays in these blow-ups. My Dad's an alcoholic and I try to always give him a very wide v
berth after he's had a drink.

Lot of people in the comments defending what's basically poor, selfish behaviour - not outright abusive but still difficult for OP to deal with, especially if she has been putting up with it since childhood. It's painful and upsetting if your parents keep promising you things will be different then doing the exact same BS over and over and over again.

It sounds like everyone in the family lacks self awareness and impulse control, and are therefore hard work to be around. Is alcohol a factor?

But her last night was already ruined. So really you are just upset about her ruining YOUR last night.

Has she been holding her tongue for the rest of the trip to try and make sure YOU have a nice time on HER birthday trip?

I think the ops jist very young and not learned yet how to manage family relationships maturely. She’s turned a bit of a scene between her mum and dad into not just something all about her but also displayed serious anger issues herself,

yes parents that fall out are difficult, it’s a bit embarrassing, but it’s one evening and hardly a holiday ruiner or a reason to go no contact.

I think when she gets older she will hopefully try to learn to manage her own emotions and not take a drama and make it a million times worse and drag it on.

my mum said 'we'll all be nice to each other'

if your mother is having to reassure her daughter of this before going on a week’s holiday - it speaks volumes.

That's how it read for me, nastiness disguised as jokes. H makes little jabs, if I was on holiday with him for a week I'd have to be holding onto my emotions really hard not to bite. His comments might seem a bit strange to others, but certainly wouldn't sound like anything significant. It's years of bad treatment and 'little' comments aimed at hurting me.

The whole focus on how one single spoilt dinner, ruined the holiday and OP got no respite whether it is or not, reads very dramatically. We don't know the full story, the only people IRL I've heard speak of respite needs, rather then needing a holiday, are parents of children with significant SEN or disabilities that have very high caring needs.

If OP is in that situation or in a very bad place mentally or in her life I could understand the focus on herself and her need for respite. If it's just a run of the mill job and everyday stresses she needs a break from, well the family either has a long history of conflict or OP is being really dramatic. One bad dinner doesn't ruin a holiday.

I don't think an explanation on MN can encapsulate historical family dynamics and the seething anger that can be the result. Speaking as an adult who would NEVER holiday with my mum due to a plenty of 'holidays' that have been ruined by her temper or her attitude to me, or her continual complaints about the heat or her pitching one of us (two sisters) against another, or her comments about my body in a bikini / swimsuit (sometimes positive but made my skin crawl) I can sympathise. And a stranger on the internet can tell me to be sympathetic to my mum's temper because 42 degrees is hot, but she booked the holiday and as a 13 year old I had no choice in the matter and she knew it'd be hot but to spend two weeks complaining about it destroys my holiday, even though I was 13 and didn't pay anything towards it. Her complaints are just nasty with such a hateful tone, and she can turn on you like the flick of a switch. A few nice moments on holiday are just not worth the nasty ones, frankly.

As a result, I have refused to go on any holidays with my parents as an adult. My poor dad has missed out. But I cannot bear it and the overall result has been my mum has not holidayed with my DC. She's even been known to ruin a day trip to the New Forest just be being difficult, going on a walk then refusing to fucking walk and instead sit in a pub complaining about the menu. Or screaming at the dog on Swanage Beach as he wasn't allowed there but leapt on it. Or bitchy comments directed to my sister because the seat she chose to sit on at a cafe is "ridiculous - just get out of the way." Honestly, family holidays or days out with my mum are horrible and a stranger could argue the toss every time that something might have upset her but actually maybe she ought to stop upsetting everyone else. I have literally seethed after them and hated her for it, and my sister has cried and cried over her nastiness, but yes, strangers on the internet may say my mum is not to blame.

I do concede to the odd day trip nowadays but nothing too far and never for more than about four hours.

OP - just say to yourself, "Never again" and please yourself next holiday and every single holiday in the future. Stressful parents will never be pure respite. Annual leave is gold dust. Enjoy and respect your parents on your own terms and within your own boundaries.

I was thinking Glyndebourne. Though I’m not sure there’s enough to spend a week there! (I grew up locally)

It does.

@WrongWayApricot Glyndebourne would exactly fit that bill - it’s about two miles down an unlit, no-pavement country road to the nearest village.

If they are staying locally, it’s entirely possible they’ve driven from their hotel to a country pub for dinner (or from their rural hotel into town for a meal), and the walk back wouldn’t be safe on foot late at night.

"I think lots of the posters here have no idea what it's like to deal with unstable parents who didn't bother to fix their mental health issues before having kids."

a thousand times this.