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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent caused a scene in public. AIBU to be so angry

244 replies

Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:18

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 20:04

I think a lot of posters are being more forgiving than I feel.

One ruined holiday is one thing. A second ruined holiday after promises to be kind to each other etc is something else entirely.

Would everyone here just react with anger to things that upset them? Or would they consider the people around them, especially in public? Ive certainly felt like reacting a certain way to things but you leave it until you get home. I thought that was a given.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 20:06

Augustiner · 16/08/2022 20:02

Your respite? I thought it was her birthday?

We had another celebration for the birthday itself

This was a continuation where we have all taken time off work to celebrate. She told us she wanted to go somewhere nice as a family. So we have done mainly things she wants to do but yes, it is my respite too as it is my annual leave.

OP posts:
PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 20:07

Celia24 · 16/08/2022 20:04

I think a lot of posters are being more forgiving than I feel.

One ruined holiday is one thing. A second ruined holiday after promises to be kind to each other etc is something else entirely.

Would everyone here just react with anger to things that upset them? Or would they consider the people around them, especially in public? Ive certainly felt like reacting a certain way to things but you leave it until you get home. I thought that was a given.

It's because your mum was being the dick

If this had been your dad posters would be lining up to offer sympathy and YANBU's

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/08/2022 20:07

I can empathise. My Dad was like this. Could spectacularly lose his temper. Hated it.

loopylum · 16/08/2022 20:09

Mumspair1 · 16/08/2022 19:50

This!

Show quote history

Except OP wrote "Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said."

Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 20:09

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/08/2022 20:07

I can empathise. My Dad was like this. Could spectacularly lose his temper. Hated it.

Now I think of it she used to do this with her father. They'd have huge fights and she would storm out of their home.

This is the first time she's done it with me. I just refuse to participate in this dynamic tbh..it has taken years for me to get my mental health into a good place and to find my parents creating another explosive dynamic is hard going

OP posts:
Clymene · 16/08/2022 20:09

I think a lot of people haven't experienced narc parents which makes them peculiarly kind.

I would sit them both down and tell them very calmly you're never going on holiday or doing any social thing with them again. Their behaviour is embarrassing and childish and you're not going to put up with it any more.

You'll feel so much better asserting your boundaries. And your sadness at not having parents like everyone else will be outweighed by the enormous sense of relief you have at never having to deal with this anxiety again.

If they're contrite, you could try a couple of meals out. Who knows, maybe it'll be an epiphany and you'll eventually be able to go on holiday with them again.

Right now, it's just same shit, different location. The only person who has the power to change that dynamic is you! Smile

KyaClark · 16/08/2022 20:10

So not only are you dismissing her feelings, you expect her to shut up and put up to keep the peace?

Never mind your dad, who presumably has been with her for years so knows she doesn't find his "jokes" funny, upsetting her?

And you're wondering why she's angry with you as well?

loopylum · 16/08/2022 20:10

Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said.

What did your dad say?

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 20:11

@loopylum

Yes something he said

He could have said the weather is nice, your dress is lovely, that wine sounded a lot tastier than it was.

Your bias is your issue

Jedsnewstar · 16/08/2022 20:11

Celia24 · 16/08/2022 19:34

I don't think what he said was worthy of her attack. He has his moments as I said but that wasn't one of them. Maybe she's just really fed up with them for other reasons.

Either way, I'm not saying she should take anything. But making a scene in a restaurant knowing how important a relaxing break was to me too - I find it utterly selfish.

Show quote history

Straw that broke the camels back maybe.

Blueblell · 16/08/2022 20:11

Maybe a week was too long! I don’t know what age your mum is but I have found people get more emotional as they age. It’s a shame it ruined the end of your holiday. It’s hard but try not to dwell on it.

Icecreamandapplepie · 16/08/2022 20:12

You had a family holiday and there was an argument/ upset

Isn't that par for the course with any group of adults on a longish break?

To say it ruined your holiday is a bit of an exaggeration, surely?

From what you've said, I don't get going no contact tbh.

You do sound a bit of a drama queen, these things happen in a family. The main thing is you make it up with each other and give each other a bit of leeway.

I feel a bit sorry for your mum.

ThePenOfMyAunt · 16/08/2022 20:12

I can empathise, my mum repeatedly sabotaged things from as early as I could remember which only stopped with her death(!). i learnt to keep light and breezy relationship with her, (she moved 400 miles away), no expectations. Any offers of things I would politely turn down, as it never ended well.

I chose that rather than being No-Contact because that's what was right for me.

RenegadeMatron · 16/08/2022 20:13

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 20:11

@loopylum

Yes something he said

He could have said the weather is nice, your dress is lovely, that wine sounded a lot tastier than it was.

Your bias is your issue

Did you miss the part where he caused a scene on the previous trip and the fall out took years to recover from?

They're as bad as each other, surely? Confused

WilsonMilson · 16/08/2022 20:14

You sound rather self centred - you didn’t have to pay a penny for this trip, but still made it all about you, how your relaxing trip was spoiled. Never for a second considering that your mum might be struggling and might be upset about something. All you’re concerned with is how it has spoiled your evening.

AuntMasha · 16/08/2022 20:14

Celia24 · 16/08/2022 20:09

Now I think of it she used to do this with her father. They'd have huge fights and she would storm out of their home.

This is the first time she's done it with me. I just refuse to participate in this dynamic tbh..it has taken years for me to get my mental health into a good place and to find my parents creating another explosive dynamic is hard going

Show quote history

I can sympathise OP, having grown up with a sibling like this. It does indeed take its toll. 💐

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 16/08/2022 20:16

YABU
Arguments sometimes happen and it's horrible, but you're making it all about you and acting as if they should have only been thinking about, 'Your trip' through all of it.

It sounds as if they were both in the wrong and as if you maybe escalated it a bit by showing that you thought your mum was over-reacting to whatever your dad said.

WTF475878237NC · 16/08/2022 20:18

Are you 24? I think you're posting here as if you're much younger and can only see this from your own perspective.

Original poster
Celia24 · 16/08/2022 20:18

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 16/08/2022 20:16

YABU
Arguments sometimes happen and it's horrible, but you're making it all about you and acting as if they should have only been thinking about, 'Your trip' through all of it.

It sounds as if they were both in the wrong and as if you maybe escalated it a bit by showing that you thought your mum was over-reacting to whatever your dad said.

We were in a public place and she kept sniping at him over and over. 'I bet you're happy now aren't you, you look pleased with yourself' etc in front of people.

I was so mortified about it. It's fine for people to say how I should've reacted but it all happened so fast and I was trying to calm things down.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 16/08/2022 20:18

The way I see it is we were in a restaurant, a public place, and she chose to react in a certain way and ruin my trip as well. I think that is totally wrong.
You're still not saying what she reacted to; it's all about how your trip was ruined...

TeaAndThenMoreTea · 16/08/2022 20:18

Augustiner · 16/08/2022 20:02

Your respite? I thought it was her birthday?

This

CandyLeBonBon · 16/08/2022 20:19

I don't think what he said was worthy of her attack

Presumably you don't live with you parents any more? So how on earth are you in a position to determine whether he's been chip chip chipping away at her and this was a last straw?

You said your dad caused a massive fall out last time and he said something to your mum this time which she objected to but you've completely whitewashed your dad's part in this and blamed your mum,

Frankly you come across as a rathe self , absorbed.

Ultimately no one knows if your mum is unreasonable because the dynamics of their relationship are probably complicated but you are unreasonable for minimising and dismissing someone who is clearly unhappy simply because you think you deserve a break.

Teateaandmoretea · 16/08/2022 20:23

OP why are you asking mumsnet?

if your mum had posted describing what she did then she’d have her arse handed to her on a plate. They automatically tie themselves in knots to tell the op they Abu.

The reality is none of us know from the info. Are you being objective or do you tend to take sides with your dad? That really determines who ibu….

balalake · 16/08/2022 20:24

Regardless of who is at fault, if holidays with your parents don't work out, then reasonable not to go on one again.

See how you feel once you've been back home for a week or two.