Parent caused a scene in public. AIBU to be so angry

[Celia24]

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

If someone feels the need to say that “we’ll all be nice to each other” is a big red flag. Go LC when you get home if only to avoid their drama.

Why aren't you angry at the person who caused the argument? You yourself wrote that your dad makes rude comments, so where is the anger aimed at him? Are you blaming your mum because you know she'll apologise whereas your dad wouldn't give a shit?

Sadly this is true 😔

Maybe they want you to come on trips because it diffuses the dynamic they have alone, that doesn't make it great for you when it does flare up, but maybe it's like that all the time when you're not around. Not nice for anyone involved

I know plenty of people my age who still take trips here and there with parents or family from time to time.

As do my adult dcs. But they're not under the impression we have to have them along, or that we have to ensure it's a relaxing holiday for them - you seem to think your parents should prioritise you.

Because he didn't do anything to cause that showdown imo. I think perhaps he'd said other things to annoy her during the trip and for some reason it boiled over during dinner. The fact she can also be very unkind to him and bad tempered - I'm not accepting this is all his fault.

But to keep having those outbursts in front of me...it does make me angry. Obviously I now realise it was a waste of time trying to have a nice trip and that they would rather ruin nice occasions than sort out their problems privately.

I’m still not clear on what your father actually said to her. Have I missed it or are choosing not to say, for some reason?

I feel sorry for your mum, maybe it was the straw that broke the camels back, and she had just had enough. It’s a shame it upset your holiday but as others have said your mum was upset at something your Dad said to her, he I’m sure knew it would upset her so why did he do it?! He must take some blame.
The red flag for me was when your mum had to say we will all try to get along! Was this aimed at him? Maybe he just niggled away at her, try to see it from your mums pov and have a chat, if your Dads being mean he needs pulled up for it!

Haven't read the full thread, but it sounds as if there is tension between your parents and possibly they have taken you along on holiday because they want a third person to defuse the tension. It's probably best if you organise your own holidays from now on. You are not a character in an Anita Brookner novel, after all.

Carefully avoiding being specific. I wonder why? 🤔

I think you might be right.

Bizarre. OP is her daughter not her minder/ counsellor.

Your parents clearly have quite a dysfunctional and toxic dynamic that you h
Must have grown up with and learned to cope with. It seems that any hint of poor behaviour from them causes you to feel quite anxious, hyper alert and stressed.

All very understandable. However, your parents, flawed as they are, are still just human beings the same as you are.

I have no doubt they WANT to have the fantasy family holiday but they are locked into a toxic dynamic that they probably don't even truly acknowledge that they have.

However, you are, as a PP stated still very much the child in the parent/child relationship and they are looking to you to help create the fantasy they know doesn't exist. The child in you also wants this.

Unfortunately your parents (both of them, not just your mum) have feet of clay, as we all do.

I found CBT really helpful to break down and understand the dynamics of my relationship with my mum so that I could change the way I reacted to ensure I wasn't feeding into her narrative.

It sounds like there's quite a lot more to this than we are perhaps hearing?

It depends on their ages too.

My dm was like this a few years ago. She’s been diagnosed with dementia since then. She caused a real stir and ‘went off the rails’ when she’s normally really a placid quiet lady.
Me and db were confused by it all.

Agree with RewildingAmbridge - my guess is they're getting on really badly, and hoped that things would be easier with you around too.

She feels like he sometimes tries to cause arguments. Tries to pitch us against each other. But she also lacks a sense of humour

Your Mum's behaviour was poor but -
your Dad has had a role to play in this, yet seems to have completely escaped your ire.

It sounds like he knows exactly what kind of comments will set her off.
Maybe years of "witty" comments (put-downs) at her expense disguised as "jokes" and having her lack of "a sense of humour" used as a defence for the remarks in the first place, have taken their toll?

Someone who tries to pitch you against each other? - sounds like someone who enjoys stirring and then sitting back and watching the entertainment.

A week was too long for this kind of get-together.
Perhaps you should speak to them both separately and encourage them to find someone to speak to - to break this pattern.

i used to go on holiday with parents my dad was the narc so used to wind my mum up but say it was a joke

its only funny if youre both laughing

what did he say

😂😂😂 comment of the thread!

Why aren't you responding to posters asking what your father said? "Nothing too bad" is all about context. Something you might think is ok might not be ok to the woman who is consistently on the receiving end.

Everything you've said resonates @CandyLeBonBon - I think I'll need to see some kind of counsellor because it is really affecting me and neither of them seem to want to change it. I wish I had a family that got along better but I don't - no wishing for it will make it true.

You sound very immature OP, sounds like you’re throwing your dummy out your cot.

You really can’t say it was all your mums fault - you have no idea how much sniping they do to each other constantly - maybe they’ve just completely had their fill of each other, so it’s literally 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

🤷‍♀️

You've avoided answering 2 very important questions. What did your dad say and how old are you)

Also, it's your mom's birthday, your dad says something horrible to her and yet you're e upset? It's obvious that the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree. You all sound insufferable.

It sounds like your parents' marriage might be at a very difficult stage.
Maybe they're hoping that your presence might help things along a bit.
You are looking at this situation from your own point of view.

It's not the first time.

Do you actually know what's happening between your parents?
Have you talked to each of them separately?

You keep turning it round to suit your own narrative.

Sounds to me that there's a serious underlying issue and you don't want to hear it.

@wherearebeefandonioncrisps the way they put is that the problem is the 3 of us as a dynamic. So if they can't behave or one of them starts a fight, my mum or my dad will say 'oh it's just that all 3 of us can't get along' - rather than the fact they are the problem. It really upsets me that they frame it this was, like we are a broken family.

When my dad was growing up, he and his mother and sister had a weird dynamic, or so my mum tells me. 2 of them would fall out with the third and so on.

She is convinced he does this now with us. In some ways I see where she is coming from - other times, he will agree with me on something and she will say 'you're ganging up on me'. To be totally clear I don't side with him against her or vice versa - I find the fights really distressing which is why a drama free trip was important to me.

This.

There’s obviously something going on with her. Maybe between your mother and your father?

But I do understand wanting to just remove yourself from the situation. That would be my response in the moment. But I hope I’d start to wonder what was underneath it all.