Parent caused a scene in public. AIBU to be so angry

[Celia24]

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

@nomoremsniceperson this morning they aren't speaking to each other, only to me. We were due to go for a nice breakfast but got some takeaway pastries instead because otherwise we'd have been sitting in silence. Could cut the tension with a knife.

In a few hours I'll be home and I won't come away with them again. They also fought last Christmas. It will be meals out here and there or short trips individually from now on. People are wrong that I don't have sympathy for my mum - I do.

But like a PP said there is so much historical stuff I couldn't fit in a MN post also behind this.

@godmum56 absolutely

What’s your family set up Op? How old are you?

Lots if not most posters have parents who are varying degrees of floopy, so this kind of marital strife will not be unfamiliar.

With all the built-up resentment from everyone in this family, some therapy would certainly be in order for them all. It may be the only way they'll ever start to hear each other out.

Why do people keep putting onset of dementia? It could be your mum going through menopause and feeling rubbish add to that it was supposed to be her birthday celebration, and she had a husband sniping at her and a daughter who doesn’t back her up or try to understand she’s upset or her point of view.

No chance

some families are just shit shows and no amount of “talking it out” is going to solve anything

Touché

But anything to lessen the turmoil is worth a shot. I'm not sure anyone's life problems are completely solved by therapy. However, if it can be improved, this bunch should at least give it a try. A slight adjustment from each of them could make all the difference. Especially in the self-centered department.

"varying degrees of floopy" is not the same as being highly unpredictable or unstable. i'm not saying the OP's parents are, as I don't know all the background, but mine were/are, and it fucked up my whole childhood, and i think a lot of people don't understand how deeply damaging it is.

Definitely grey rock. And don't go on holiday with them again.

Be realistic.

It wouldn’t work because even getting them all together in the same room regularly wouldn’t be on the cards, let alone actually talking in an open and adult manner.

nice in theory, just not going to happen in reality

families like this are baffling. No one actually seems to really like one another let alone love one another. And yet they holiday together, socialise together etc. but no one really enjoys and everyone leaves feeling angry / pissed off

My God, enough already. This isn't between you and I.

You've expressed your opinion and you believe it's hopeless. I happen to think that a professional should intervene on this family dynamic.

It's unnecessary for you to challenge my opinions that differ from your glass-half-empty opinion. And honestly it's immature that you continue to respond to me when I am not here for you.

I'm addressing the op and trying to give her a potential option for a solution rather than telling her that her family is hopeless and to give up.

I doubt she reached out to be told she should be a quitter. She owes it to herself to at least try. So she will know she did everything she could, in the event things can't be resolved.

Good heavens!! 😱

And I love the contradiction

“this isn’t between you and I” and then launches in to a novel about … you and me! 😂

I don’t give a hoot about you. I do think therapy simply would not work for this family! Backs away…

@KnockedInn I don't disagree - actually I think it could do a lot of good. I think they both are playing out old dynamics but whether they can change or not I don't know. I would certainly be willing to try counselling as a family.

Sadly they essentially still aren't speaking as my dad feels he is owed an apology/feels hurt and she blames him.

The way she was talking about us ganging up on her - having had a few days to process this I still think it is way off the mark. Previously her mother would get paranoid about all manner of things until eventually she was diagnosed with dementia. I hope it is nothing like this but I do have some concern for her mental wellbeing. After all who wants to have an outburst in a public place?

She had a terrible temper when I was growing up - both myself and my dad were frequently on the other side of it. We both thought she'd mellowed so it was quite a big shock to see that side again. For my part, she's my mother - I fundamentally disagree with how she behaved but I'm just going to move on.

Just wanted to let you know I totally get where you are coming from.

I'm pleased to hear you're willing to exhaust all avenues of possibilities before giving up on your family. Ignoring the naysayers, and proceeding with your best foot forward is a healthy way to move ahead.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy. As you're dealing with three individual personalities, yourself included, that somehow need to get on the same page for seeking out solutions that all can live with. Trust yourself to have the determination to carry through. You've already taken the first step by reaching out for helpful advice.

Perhaps the thought of being heard by a neutral party will be enough incentive to get your parents on board. I truly hope the three of you can find a way to coexist in a peaceful and loving way eventually.

Wishing you a successful outcome. May you have the strength and tenacity to stay with it, even on the hardest days.

Does it happen when she's drinking?

I would refuse to spend time with them together. They should either sort their issues out, split up or keep them private. It isn't fair on you.

She used drink as an excuse afterwards. She had only had one and a half glasses of wine so I struggle to see how that could be valid.

I agree. After quite a tough year or 2 when my mental health wasn't good, I've been doing well. Since the fight I've been feeling really sad, have had digestive issues & trouble sleeping which only happens when very stressed. Going to try and hit the reset button this weekend.

Thanks @realsavagelike