Parent caused a scene in public. AIBU to be so angry

[Celia24]

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

Go and take a look at the Narcissistic mother thread running currently.
My parents have form for ruining events too and blaming me for it. They also get angry if an event doesn't go to plan. An example was when my DS was 2 we went to a theme park and he was really sick on way there so we had to turn back. We'd bought the tickets so they weren't out of pocket but they kicked up so much fuss about day being ruined we actually ended up turning around and going with poorly son. I look back and think why oh why...
I don't know why people like this behave as they do, self sabotage and blame. But it isn't your fault.

Despite op saying that this is how she's always been and same like her own father, you are still intent on blaming ops dad? Typical.

Op I would just refuse to go anywhere with her again. She sounds awful.

They were a gift for her birthday. Not to buy you the right to sulk about something your mum is clearly desperately upset about.

@TrashPandas this is why my reaction is that way - on numerous occasions now my parents have caused terrible arguments, once screaming at each other in another public place while with me.

I think parents have a duty regardless of age to keep their crap to themselves and not drag their children and adults children into it. She has started fights numerous times.

Ignore the OP. This isn't your fault.

Thanks. I do recognise her in the general signs of narcissistic mothers. I'll check out the thread. I've realized they (my parents) just don't care about ruining things for me.

They will happily argue and snipe and not care how it affects me. It's awful.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

You should have just let her walk.

Given everybody time to settle down and it would have been less excrutiating.

She feels like he sometimes tries to cause arguments. Tries to pitch us against each other. But she also lacks a sense of humour. Always been this way, everything is taken as a slight against her

This makes him sound like one of those men who make digs and then if the other person is upset they are portrayed as humourless. Rather than the reality off the 'japster' being a dick.

Typical MN

Op - my mum was being ridiculous my dad wasn't being mean

Other posters - your dad was clearly the issue here - burn the men

Sad sad sad

If she wanted to leave, you should have let her leave. You were the one who interfered and escalated the situation. The absolute best thing a person who is angry or upset in public can do is walk away. It’s often the best strategy in private as well. Taking time to calm down so that you can have a rational conversation and state your grievance is much more effective than yelling.

Also, in the spectrum of parents causing scenes and ruining gatherings, this barely counts.

What did he say? Maybe she has just had enough of his comments. You have admitted she was provoked

This!

* The answer is in this: We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night.*

That's the problem, it's far too long for a family with your history.

3 days, 4 at a push. Max.

OP said her mum reacted to something her dad said, so he isn't exactly blameless by the sounds of it. Yet the OP seems very keen to exonerate him. It certainly seems like there's more to it than has been disclosed.

No, people are wrong to think we could've left separately. We are in a remote rural location and splitting up isn't really an option. Even our phone signal has been next go non existent.

Why on earth is she saying that you'll all be nice to each other?
Isn't that a given?
I wouldn't be going on a trip where that had to established as one of the ground rules.

@Celia24 You mention that "Within ten mins she had attacked both of us" what form did this take?

Its not OK to take her anger towards your dad on you.
Either way, none of this is your fault and they should be apologising. But they likely won't.

No - as I said in my OP there had been a previous trip with a fight. Since then they've been asking me to go away with them, promising things would be different.

As we've had many nice times since during weekends closer to home I relented. Big mistake clearly as they did it again.

do you know what the issues are between them?
I have adult children and it was interesting to me how they each reacted when at various times we were all in close proximity during lockdown and some long standing stuff flared up between me and DH.
Weve all talked about it and while none of us were blameless (certainly i was a dick at times) we had all got into a pattern where DH made repeated "jokes" about me which looked minor in isolation but built up. The children sort of adopted them as family jokes but they were mean and i dont think they understood how it was making me feel. because it all seems small stuff when i did get upset I was always accused of over reacting. i even felt at times i was over reacting but looking back it had become really hard to relax - waiting for the nxet snark

It took my DD seeing it across several months, me finally seeing the pattern and calling it and my DH realising what he was doing. Lock down was a killer and weve had decades of happy marriage so , im just saying, is it possible that rather than blaming either of them, theyre in a really unhealthy, unhappy pattern which flares up just as they are both under the most pressure for it to all be nice?

I think its the christmas effect too - how many fights and break ups happen at christmas because the pressure for it to be perfect

What do you mean ‘my Dad has his moments’?!

You said that last time he caused a huge fall out. So huge, that you almost weren’t going to go on a trip with them?

ha ha yes!

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it, I do think you are exaggerating when you talk about the entire holiday having been ruined by your mother's temper tantrum. The last night was ruined.

As for being embarrased, if you are on holiday, chances are you will never meet anyone who was in that restaurant again.

Your respite? I thought it was her birthday?

I hope this thread is helpful to you, OP.

Not one of us can even begin to understand your family dynamic, which, to say the least, is somewhat dysfunctional.

So are you being unreasonable? Well, no.

Just stop doing things like this, which you know aren’t going to end well. It clearly doesn’t work.