Can’t do another holiday with my dad AIBU?

[Snowflakewater]

I’m 26 he’s 63
In fairness to my parents, yes they paid for the holiday and everything I wanted to do here but he’s been very difficult the last few days and any opportunity to moan and complain he has. I always offer to pay but tbh I don’t have the funds for it.

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry

Yesterday we had a very large disagreement over dinner. He’s a germophobe and probably ocd too. I put my chicken on the edge of the plate. It was very close to the edge and he kept saying “that’s gonna fall off the plate” at least 3 times. So I snapped because stop telling me the same thing again and AGAIN. Then he tried to start up saying I had an “attitude” so of course I argued he’s causing the problem which he wasn’t having. The he complained I was “rude to the waitress” and I full well know I wasn’t he was just trying to create a problem where it wasn’t.

Later on my mum left us to try and figure it out and said “I’m not getting involved you guys can organise it” he just went on and on in circles that weren’t relevant saying things like “we put you through private education all your life do everything bring you on holidays never ask for a penny and you’re just being rude” etc etc. Then I said you’re just being pedantic and ridiculous he brought up my partners finances and paying his parents back again, irrelevant.

If I say something like “you’re being rediculous” all I get is “right but you’re not” so he never sees his own issue

So I said you’re ignorant and I’m not bothering coming with you again.

Later on he hugged me and said “I don’t want to keep arguing anymore” but I don’t feel I want to accept that because I’m sick of putting up with his behaviour. He can’t argue like an adult, I still won’t initiate conversation and it’s sort of ruining the last day of holiday

At the moment house prices are insane and so is rent i really want something I’m happy with location wise and price wise. But I have started looking so maybe very soon.

it’s a shame because as always it’s my mum that draws the short straw as I’d be moving because of him

Bluntly if you are willing to wait for something in the perfect location then things can't be that bad

As for your mum, does she draw the short straw or does she enable?

I always thought my dad was the better parent when I was growing up but its only in my 30's I realise that leaving a young child to be verbally and emotionally abused by your wife so that you have an easier life is not being a good parent.

Bluntly if you are willing to wait for something in the perfect location then things can't be that bad

If he was as bad as she claims she'd have said "oh no, you two go and enjoy your holiday, I'll look after the house" for a weeks peace, let's be honest.

She ends up being referee and doesn’t get involved as neither of us are right. She will tell him only not to shout etc. more often than not it just ends up being “you’re wrong because of xyz” to my dad and “you’re wrong because of xyz” to me. Then she’ll say you now both need to discuss and then move on.

OP I've read your posts and there seems a two-way lack of respect in the relationship now. There is clearly a complicated history. I do think that your best bet at this point is to set some boundaries re how you will be spoken to but also work on how you talk to him. Calling people unreasonable and ignorant is not respectful and is not 'how adults argue' as you put it. Walking away might be the best thing to do if you don't think you can talk respectfully to him and I can see why he might wear you down sometimes. In terms of understanding behaviours, I can see that you have mentioned your ND here. Do you think your dad might also haves some ND?

Then it sounds like her life will actually be easier once you move out even if she will miss you. You can also then arrange meet ups without your dad so that you can limit time with him whilst still seeing your mum.

To be fair in your mid 20s its normal to be moving out anyway, so its not really a short straw for your mum its just a standard part of your children growing up

No, your mum gets her houseback with her husband.

Your are 26 years old. Time to move out and let your parents move onto the next chapter of their lives.

It’s sparodic arguments but they are big ones. So basically if I can agree and have a laugh with him it’s all fine and dandy. But if we disagree, that’s it, tempers flare. So we’ll just end up disagreeing on certain things then it carries on and on with no resolution for ages.

There comes a point when you need to let things slide.

My dad was quite like yours - argumentative and stubborn. How my mum put up with him I’ll never know.

On the worst occasion he threw an empty wine bottle at me (it hit me on the arm, causing a huge bruise) and chucked me and my mum out of the house. I was 22 at the time and living in uni halls. We didn’t speak for about three months.

I made my peace with it, mainly for my mum’s sake, and we never spoke of it again. I watched what I said around him. Never challenged him. Never argued.

Other than going no contact, which would have broken my mum’s heart, it was the only way I could see to move forward.

You can’t win arguments with stubborn bastards - life is much more pleasant if you don’t even try.

She ends up being referee and doesn’t get involved as neither of us are right.

So I said “I’ll walk out if you carry on behaving like this iver a fly I don’t need a penny off you both” anyway my mum then gets involved and reels a list of the things they pay for which is a fair amount to be honest and I said “I’m not standing here listening to this” then she said “you better listen, or you know my temper I’ll throw my food In the bin and we’ll continue this conversation upstairs or you listen now”

How can you say your mum doesn’t get involved when on other threads you’ve said she does.

You are the problem OP.

I’m sure your mum and dad are annoying but you are living in their house so you either follow their rules or do what they say or move out.

How much rent do you pay them?
Why can’t you use that money and get a house share?

Why don’t you live with your partner?
Does he live with his parents still?

Exactly. Your parents have looked after you for 26 years and have provided a roof over your head. This is their time now, or it should be. But you're still living there like you're 17! Why on earth can't you move out like most other people do in their late teens or early 20s? I'm not that much older than you and yes, had to rent a grotty room in a shared house at first like most other people but I had my independence and it taught me to grow up. It also meant my parents had the space and time to enjoy their new stage of life without their adult daughter around their feet constantly.

The person I feel most sorry for in all of this is your poor mum.

Op doesn't seem to act like one

I think comments like " You are being unreasonable," serve to inflame a situation.
I wonder why you feel a need to "work through the issues" but won't until he admit he's part of the issue? Why do you need to prod this? Why not just back off?
You sound as unreasonable as he is, you say he has OCD but you aren't being very patient about it.
I guess your Mum likes you coming on holiday with them , so it would be nice if you could just not react to the provocation ( which really doesn't sound that bad) and understand that if someone is paying for your holiday, there will be certain expectations that you make yourself pleasant to be with and don't cause problems. It sounds like being right is more important to you than co-operating to create a nice atmosphere so that your Mum can enjoy herself.