Can’t do another holiday with my dad AIBU?

[Snowflakewater]

I’m 26 he’s 63
In fairness to my parents, yes they paid for the holiday and everything I wanted to do here but he’s been very difficult the last few days and any opportunity to moan and complain he has. I always offer to pay but tbh I don’t have the funds for it.

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry

Yesterday we had a very large disagreement over dinner. He’s a germophobe and probably ocd too. I put my chicken on the edge of the plate. It was very close to the edge and he kept saying “that’s gonna fall off the plate” at least 3 times. So I snapped because stop telling me the same thing again and AGAIN. Then he tried to start up saying I had an “attitude” so of course I argued he’s causing the problem which he wasn’t having. The he complained I was “rude to the waitress” and I full well know I wasn’t he was just trying to create a problem where it wasn’t.

Later on my mum left us to try and figure it out and said “I’m not getting involved you guys can organise it” he just went on and on in circles that weren’t relevant saying things like “we put you through private education all your life do everything bring you on holidays never ask for a penny and you’re just being rude” etc etc. Then I said you’re just being pedantic and ridiculous he brought up my partners finances and paying his parents back again, irrelevant.

If I say something like “you’re being rediculous” all I get is “right but you’re not” so he never sees his own issue

So I said you’re ignorant and I’m not bothering coming with you again.

Later on he hugged me and said “I don’t want to keep arguing anymore” but I don’t feel I want to accept that because I’m sick of putting up with his behaviour. He can’t argue like an adult, I still won’t initiate conversation and it’s sort of ruining the last day of holiday

You say he's a germophobe and probably has OCD, knowing that I would have just moved the bloody chicken. One less argument over nothing especially at a dining table.

Yep. He said it 3 times because it was obviously stressing him in some way. It would cost you nothing to move it, and he would have stopped. But no. In your 14 year old head it was just something else you could do to irritate him.

You know which buttons to press to annoy him, and instead of avoiding them for the most part you seem dead keen on pressing them. They paid for your holiday and your activities - and if you talk to your parents the way you talk to posters here i am wondering why they aren't on the "Parents of Adult Children" board asking when the heck you are going to grow up.

You don't seem at all prepared to adjust your behaviours in any way to make the holiday more restful for either of you. And your poor mum!

I think when you get home you need to thank them for the holiday, move out and pay your own way in future.

You know your dad has OCD? Yet you were quite happy to leave that piece of chicken on the edge of your plate for the whole meal knowing it would trigger him? Because it's not your fault he has OCD? But you are still prepared to accept the whole price of a holiday from him and your mum, while sitting triggering him? It's not his fault that you have dyslexia op but he was still prepared to try to do what was best for you in your education and paid to do it. Yes he is the parent but childhood days when he should do all the caring are long gone. While you are accepting his generous gifts at least, you should not be making petty points which trigger him.

Oh, I missed the part where he possibly has OCD and the OP says "that's his problem".

How nasty.

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry

Your words.

So you are a snappy, argumentative person but he just puts up with it.
But when he does bit back you get 'really angry!'

Think you need to leave and stop spending prolonged periods of time with your dad.
Maybe get some support for your anger and your lack of responsibility for your own actions.

He probably doesn't have that much respect for you as his financially dependent 26 year old adult child. Are you sure you've done enough with your life to earn his respect?

I'm glad for you that your post got more engagement here than it did on r/relationships.

So some of the time he's OK and sometimes he's not? Sounds perfectly normal to me.

You need to move out and stop holidaying with your parents. I would pretty much guarantee your relationships will improve.

Those free holidays just arent working out. Its as simple as that

I imagine it will. I doubt a free holiday will be on offer after this.

Grow up and stand on your own 2 feet fgs.

What do you mean by you rant at him? That’s not really reasonable, if you’re going to rant at somebody of course they’re going to be grumpy and rude in return. You say sometimes he manages to ignore it and not get involved so it sounds like he’s trying but honestly, if you’re argumentatively snapping and ranting at him what do you expect?

If you don’t like his responses to your ranting and argumentative snapping then it will be a lot easier to change your own behaviour than to change his! Why not try biting your tongue and not ranting at him and then there won’t be any negativity for him to respond to!

Why did you come on here if your every answer is argumentative? You sound immature and really hard work for a 26-year-old.

FYI - I also have a mid-60s father whose quirks/anxieties drive me up the wall, but I would never even think about arguing with him and complaining over such things. We live on different continents and spend a full-on 4 weeks with them once a year, so I fully understand how annoying/pressured things can feel, but your responses to your father are just terrible. You demand "respect" from him, why should he respect you, since you clearly don't respect him?

You say you get your behaviour from him, but honestly, after about the age of 17/18, you don't get to blame your parents for your behavioral shortcomings.

You should think about whether any of this will matter in 10-15 years. Will it REALLY matter if he said something about your chicken dinner 3 times?

Print out what @CravenRaven wrote and stick it on your mirror. Read it every morning until you understand it.

Explain how I’m the issue. I just don’t see it. He can’t demand respect if he can’t give it out.

Where is your respect for him? I just don't see that. You can't demand respect if you can't give it out.

You sound so, so immature. Almost like you're emotionally a child? I don't think going on holiday with your parents at 26 is a problem but the dynamic here is like a little kid playing up on the family holiday.
You need to move out and have the space to grow up. This isn't normal or healthy for anyone involved.

Nasty and uncaring op.
You sound like a spoiled brat.
If I were your father, I wouldnt be paying for your holidays when you show absolutely no understanding or empathy for his mental health problem.

He’s the parent here though

Doesn't matter once you've turned into an afult. Stop the parent-child relationship and start treating him as your boss or the queen. Would you have moved the chicken then without argument?

Move out within a month and don't holiday with them again. You need to stand on your own feet now. That will make you grow up, and you really need to grow up, you sound like a 14 yo).

You and your dad are pretty much the same people. Your poor bloody mother having to put up with the both of you.

This arrangement is so past its sell-by date. If you want quality time with your mum or both parents then find a new way. The eggshells atmosphere on these holidays sounds really horrible...

Your DF sounds as annoying as hell and very controlling. I can't stand people who don't want to resolve an argument and keep repeating themselves.

As for throwing back in your face your education as if that somehow makes you owe him, that's awful. He was the one who made that choice for you. We don't owe our parents for the choices they made on our behalf.

Having said all that, you're not going to change him so you need to learn how to manage him. Going away for two weeks is never going to work. I suspect even if you spent a lot of time avoiding him he'd complain about paying for you just for you to ignore him. In future spend less time with him in one go and while you're with him try not to rise to things. Learn to say things assertively, repeat it once and then just don't pay attention when he repeats whatever his issue is. It sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder and low self esteem so he has to expect his adult children to obey him if other adults won't.

I agree it sounds like you're very alike. You also come across a bit ungrateful and he sounds annoying. I guess your df is just asking for a bit of respect and gratitude? I realise it's hard to bite your tongue sometimes but he is your dad and they are paying for you to go on holiday. And deffo don't go away with them again!

It does sound like he loves you though.

I was paying for my own holidays (or my portion of the holiday) when I was 17 onwards. I have so many questions here - do you work? Do you appreciate that your dad is probably trying to look after you the way he knows how? did you acknowledge him saying your chicken was about to fall off the plate - was that why he was repeating himself? This sounds like a VERY minor disagreement and if I'm honest, you sound like when I used to write angry Livejournal entries when I was 15.

Start living your own life.
you are 26. With a partner. High time to be your own person and pay your own way in life.
why aren’t you going on holiday with your partner, instead of your parents?
if you are working, why are you letting them pay for you, like you are a child? Maybe that’s why your dad is treating you like a kid - because you are behaving like a kid.
time to start becoming more independent.

I think people are focusing too much on the holiday. I am 29 and going on holiday with my parents this week, and don’t anticipate any issues. The difference is, I meant it when I offered to pay, me and DP will probably buy them a meal, and I will sort out lots of the food/travel while we’re there.
Your dad’s possible OCD isn’t your problem… BUT you should have some compassion and understanding for his triggers. It is his responsibility to seek some treatment.
Your parents shouldn’t dictate your behaviour because they’ve bought you things… BUT it sounds like you are not appreciative of their gifts, so this situation isn’t working for any of you.
You can go on holiday with your parents if you want to as an adult, but you have to be another adult during said holiday. For the time being, I agree that you should stop going.

And you are an adult.

You can't change his behaviour, but you can change yours, and to be honest, it sounds like you need to.

I've got sons in their 20s - one younger than you and two older than you, and none of them would be argumentative, stroppy or rant about things, especially when someone is treating them to something nice.