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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t do another holiday with my dad AIBU?

213 replies

Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 10:43

I’m 26 he’s 63
In fairness to my parents, yes they paid for the holiday and everything I wanted to do here but he’s been very difficult the last few days and any opportunity to moan and complain he has. I always offer to pay but tbh I don’t have the funds for it.

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry

Yesterday we had a very large disagreement over dinner. He’s a germophobe and probably ocd too. I put my chicken on the edge of the plate. It was very close to the edge and he kept saying “that’s gonna fall off the plate” at least 3 times. So I snapped because stop telling me the same thing again and AGAIN. Then he tried to start up saying I had an “attitude” so of course I argued he’s causing the problem which he wasn’t having. The he complained I was “rude to the waitress” and I full well know I wasn’t he was just trying to create a problem where it wasn’t.

Later on my mum left us to try and figure it out and said “I’m not getting involved you guys can organise it” he just went on and on in circles that weren’t relevant saying things like “we put you through private education all your life do everything bring you on holidays never ask for a penny and you’re just being rude” etc etc. Then I said you’re just being pedantic and ridiculous he brought up my partners finances and paying his parents back again, irrelevant.

If I say something like “you’re being rediculous” all I get is “right but you’re not” so he never sees his own issue

So I said you’re ignorant and I’m not bothering coming with you again.

Later on he hugged me and said “I don’t want to keep arguing anymore” but I don’t feel I want to accept that because I’m sick of putting up with his behaviour. He can’t argue like an adult, I still won’t initiate conversation and it’s sort of ruining the last day of holiday

OP posts:
Kateandherbush · 16/08/2022 12:48

Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 10:43

I’m 26 he’s 63
In fairness to my parents, yes they paid for the holiday and everything I wanted to do here but he’s been very difficult the last few days and any opportunity to moan and complain he has. I always offer to pay but tbh I don’t have the funds for it.

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry

Yesterday we had a very large disagreement over dinner. He’s a germophobe and probably ocd too. I put my chicken on the edge of the plate. It was very close to the edge and he kept saying “that’s gonna fall off the plate” at least 3 times. So I snapped because stop telling me the same thing again and AGAIN. Then he tried to start up saying I had an “attitude” so of course I argued he’s causing the problem which he wasn’t having. The he complained I was “rude to the waitress” and I full well know I wasn’t he was just trying to create a problem where it wasn’t.

Later on my mum left us to try and figure it out and said “I’m not getting involved you guys can organise it” he just went on and on in circles that weren’t relevant saying things like “we put you through private education all your life do everything bring you on holidays never ask for a penny and you’re just being rude” etc etc. Then I said you’re just being pedantic and ridiculous he brought up my partners finances and paying his parents back again, irrelevant.

If I say something like “you’re being rediculous” all I get is “right but you’re not” so he never sees his own issue

So I said you’re ignorant and I’m not bothering coming with you again.

Later on he hugged me and said “I don’t want to keep arguing anymore” but I don’t feel I want to accept that because I’m sick of putting up with his behaviour. He can’t argue like an adult, I still won’t initiate conversation and it’s sort of ruining the last day of holiday

With the greatest respect OP, you really need to get down from your high horse and take a look at your own behaviour.

You can stop holidaying with your parents if it’s not enjoyable and choose not to get so het about it. Life is too short.

The rest of your responses on the thread just demonstrate your immaturity and clearly you are seeking validation for being ‘right’ which just underlined the fact.

It’s time to grow up.

Original poster
Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 12:52

Kateandherbush · 16/08/2022 12:48

With the greatest respect OP, you really need to get down from your high horse and take a look at your own behaviour.

You can stop holidaying with your parents if it’s not enjoyable and choose not to get so het about it. Life is too short.

The rest of your responses on the thread just demonstrate your immaturity and clearly you are seeking validation for being ‘right’ which just underlined the fact.

It’s time to grow up.

Show quote history

Well the fact that the I paid for your education is the only ammunition used annoys me

OP posts:
crumpet · 16/08/2022 12:54

OP you do come across as being a pain in the backside. Whatever your father’s attitudes, you can’t blame yours on him - you’re closer to 30 than you are to 20. It’s time to stop blaming others for your attitude, take a step back and decide what kid. Of person you should be.

thebabessavedme · 16/08/2022 12:56

You sound like an absolute madam and if I were your parent I would never go away with you again, I would imagine they have heaved a sigh of relif that you have resolved not to ruin their future holidays. I am astonished at your rudeness and immature attitude, you have also tried to make out he is getting worse 'with age', 63 is not old but perhaps he has had a gutfull of you and no longer is prepared to put up with teenage rants from an adult.

MrsHamlet · 16/08/2022 13:00

I'm older than you and I still holiday with family from
time to time. We all do plenty that annoys others in the group. The difference is that those of us who are not paying are grateful for the generosity of those who are, and we show that with our words and our actions.

MeridianB · 16/08/2022 13:01

You sound like an absolute madam

Nailed it. Grin

00100001 · 16/08/2022 13:02

Oh my. You sound like hard work.

The chicken incident would have gone two ways with me.

Way 1
If I'm being a bit devil's advocate...
Dad: your chicken might fall
Me: not if i eat it before that happens..

Way 2
Knowing Dad worries about these things, and that he has paid for my entire holiday, this meal and has form for this, so comes as no surprise.
Dad: your chicken might fall
Me: moves the chicken

00100001 · 16/08/2022 13:03

Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 12:52

Well the fact that the I paid for your education is the only ammunition used annoys me

Show quote history

Offer to pay him back the fees to stop him holding it over your head...

ThreeRingCircus · 16/08/2022 13:09

if you are working, why are you letting them pay for you, like you are a child? Maybe that’s why your dad is treating you like a kid - because you are behaving like a kid.

Exactly! I would have found it embarrassing to have my parents still paying my way when I was in my 20s. I remember when I was in my late 20s my best friend still had her parents paying for her phone contract....she worked full time and was an adult.

Your dad is treating you like a child because you are acting like a child. You're not a teenager, you don't need mummy and daddy to be paying for you to go on holiday anymore. You clearly haven't enjoyed it and it sounds like they'd have had a better and calmer time without you there so let this be the last time!

Original poster
Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 13:14

00100001 · 16/08/2022 13:03

Offer to pay him back the fees to stop him holding it over your head...

Show quote history

Nope

OP posts:
Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 16/08/2022 13:17

You say you are snappy and a bit rude. Then you blame your dad for that. You say they pay for everything.

I think you sound like hard work really. It sounds like they are resentful that they are paying for everything and you are being rude and moody (which you admit you are). You should stop going on holiday with them. At least without contributing. You might find the atmosphere and power balance is better then.

LaingsAcidTab · 16/08/2022 13:19

If you had the opportunity to circle back to this post when you're older - say 15/20 years - I think you'd have a different perspective on your behaviour and the extent to which you are part of the "problem" you're describing.

Those of us who are writing as older people, and who are commenting that you need to leave home and grow up a little, are giving you good advice, even if it's harsh at times.

Original poster
Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 13:22

LaingsAcidTab · 16/08/2022 13:19

If you had the opportunity to circle back to this post when you're older - say 15/20 years - I think you'd have a different perspective on your behaviour and the extent to which you are part of the "problem" you're describing.

Those of us who are writing as older people, and who are commenting that you need to leave home and grow up a little, are giving you good advice, even if it's harsh at times.

Which is fair however I feel like no good comes of “we paid for private education all your life and you could at least show some kindness” it’s always the private education. Nevermind the business that my dad wasted money on and never put any effort in to.

he’s got a temper and isn’t without flaws.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 13:22

Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 13:14

Nope

Show quote history

You are coming across as such a ridiculous spoiled brat I'm starting to think your entire thread is a wind-up OP.

MrsHamlet · 16/08/2022 13:23

My mum says "I changed your nappies" when I being an arse. She makes a good point. Either let it go or stop travelling and living with them, or both.

Original poster
Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 13:24

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 13:22

You are coming across as such a ridiculous spoiled brat I'm starting to think your entire thread is a wind-up OP.

Show quote history

It’s not, I’ve recently had an adhd diagnosis and I’m pretty much navigating a lot rn so overall the way I am is pedantic in return to his pedantic ways sadly

OP posts:
Despairingof · 16/08/2022 13:26

If you don’t want to go on holiday with then don’t!

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 13:28

It’s not, I’ve recently had an adhd diagnosis and I’m pretty much navigating a lot rn so overall the way I am is pedantic in return to his pedantic ways sadly

That's quite the drip feed OP.
It doesn't excuse your rudeness, ingratitude & blamelaying though.

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant
**
I know a few kids with an ADHD diagnosis, & none of them behave like this.
You are - again - letting yourself off the hook for your own behaviour, & blaming your dad for it, instead of managing his foibles in an adult fashion.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 16/08/2022 13:30

I am rude and snappy and entitled.

But it's my dad's fault.

No? Ok, it's the ADHD.

Or it's neither and you need to take ownership for your own actions.

Hoppinggreen · 16/08/2022 13:35

Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 13:24

It’s not, I’ve recently had an adhd diagnosis and I’m pretty much navigating a lot rn so overall the way I am is pedantic in return to his pedantic ways sadly

Show quote history

Oh here we go

Jeschara · 16/08/2022 13:35

Take responsibility for yourself, grow up and stop whining, as previously stated you are coming across as a Brat.

finalpunt · 16/08/2022 13:40

You could be my DSD only she is just a bit younger and we are not as old as your DF.

She also is a massive believer in respect - when she is demanding it. What she struggles to see is that respect is a two way street but also respect means different things to different people.

I will try to explain from a different point of view for you.

Your parents had you and have invested in to try and give you a good life, paid for private education, you still live with them at 26 and are still having your holidays and activities paid for. They did this out of duty and love and lets face it, you didn't as to be born and as parents most of us try to do the best we can for our kids.

The pitfalls from this is raising children that can come across as entitled and selfish.

When you have spent 26 years financially supporting someone (well tbf probably over the age of 18 or 19, prior to this it is to be expected) then you are doing it out of love - pure and simple. You are well past the norms of having to support so all support provided comes from a good place.

When you disagree or the person then does something you don't agree with and they then argue the toss with you just because they can, you then feel that they are being disrespectful to you, your feelings and everything that you have tried to give them and as a human being you can sometimes be petty and argumentative back.

I get that you are saying that his OCD or germaphobe is his problem but when someone is paying your way and you are still living under their roof then it also becomes your problem also.

I also get that you are a different generation to what he is and this further exasperates the problem. You also don't have adult children that you are supporting so you can't see it from his point of view anymore than he can see it from yours.

I think all this talk about respect is all good and well but actually it is empathy that you both need to work on. You don't have to respect each other but if you had more empathy for your dads issues it wouldn't escalate to a problem and if your dad could have empathy that you have inherited his behavioral traits, you would not need to react.

Almondsandraisins · 16/08/2022 13:40

Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 11:24

That’s his problem. Not mine.

Show quote history

But it doesn't cost you anything to move it and it makes him happier

It sounds like you have got yourself to a point where so much of his behaviour irritates you that you make a stand over every little thing for the sake of it.

But if you take a step back for a second:

Imagine you are at a meal with your best friend. She has issues around OCD and she wants you to do a tiny thing that doesn't cost you anything. Nothing else she does every causes you any issues. Would you have moved the piece of chicken for her.

If you wouldn't have done then to be honest you are not a very nice person.

If you would have done then this is a symptom of issues with your relationship with your father. When he asks you to do something, instead of automatically saying no, just because he has asked, give yourself a pause and ask yourself would you do it if your mum, or your friend or your partner asked you to do it.

If you wont do it for your father but you would for them then your behaviour is a partly to blame for the issues that you are blaming on your father.

Runwalkskijump · 16/08/2022 13:40

Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 13:24

It’s not, I’ve recently had an adhd diagnosis and I’m pretty much navigating a lot rn so overall the way I am is pedantic in return to his pedantic ways sadly

Show quote history

Drop drip drip.

BigChesterDraws · 16/08/2022 13:52

Snowflakewater · 16/08/2022 10:46

It’s the only time I argued tbh most of the time I don’t bother even trying to get into it or I just walk away and don’t engage.

Show quote history

That somehow contradicts your opening post where you said:

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry