Can’t do another holiday with my dad AIBU?

[Snowflakewater]

I’m 26 he’s 63
In fairness to my parents, yes they paid for the holiday and everything I wanted to do here but he’s been very difficult the last few days and any opportunity to moan and complain he has. I always offer to pay but tbh I don’t have the funds for it.

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry

Yesterday we had a very large disagreement over dinner. He’s a germophobe and probably ocd too. I put my chicken on the edge of the plate. It was very close to the edge and he kept saying “that’s gonna fall off the plate” at least 3 times. So I snapped because stop telling me the same thing again and AGAIN. Then he tried to start up saying I had an “attitude” so of course I argued he’s causing the problem which he wasn’t having. The he complained I was “rude to the waitress” and I full well know I wasn’t he was just trying to create a problem where it wasn’t.

Later on my mum left us to try and figure it out and said “I’m not getting involved you guys can organise it” he just went on and on in circles that weren’t relevant saying things like “we put you through private education all your life do everything bring you on holidays never ask for a penny and you’re just being rude” etc etc. Then I said you’re just being pedantic and ridiculous he brought up my partners finances and paying his parents back again, irrelevant.

If I say something like “you’re being rediculous” all I get is “right but you’re not” so he never sees his own issue

So I said you’re ignorant and I’m not bothering coming with you again.

Later on he hugged me and said “I don’t want to keep arguing anymore” but I don’t feel I want to accept that because I’m sick of putting up with his behaviour. He can’t argue like an adult, I still won’t initiate conversation and it’s sort of ruining the last day of holiday

To quote Maya Angelou: "if you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude to it. Don't complain."

Your parents won't be around forever. If you love them and want a good relationship with them, change your attitude. And find someone else to go on holiday with.

@BigChesterDraws I get the feeling that OP is one of those pains in the arse who are proud of their bad temper.

That, or she is having a huge laugh winding us all up.

Growing up my dad was an asshole he’d argue over nothing and now he realises that actually he wasn’t always right, he treated me like I wasn’t even his daughter at times. I don’t blame him because his upbringing was bad sometimes but often his argumentative side comes out and I’m not always fit to tolerate it

Also when I say argue I mean he’d really really raise his voice and shout so obviously as I’ve grown older it just became a big resentment toward him so sadly nope not a troll post

ADHD can be tough but you can’t expect people to make allowances for your difficulties if you’re not willing to do the same for others (e.g. your dads OCD)

Living at home and going on holidays with your parents, particularly one that irritates you, is complete madness.

Move out, put some space between.

What a non holiday for your poor mother.

Which is fair however I feel like no good comes of “we paid for private education all your life and you could at least show some kindness” it’s always the private education. Nevermind the business that my dad wasted money on and never put any effort in to

Wow, all this judgement of your dad. What have you actually achieved with your life, OP? Whatever mistakes he made he was at least independent and provided and continues to provide a good life for you.

Can you see yourself doing that for your own children? If what he and your mum provided was no big deal, and deserves no gratitude - why can't you do it for yourself? Because you're 26 and have no responsibilities. And no empathy and come across quite entitled. Also it isn't healthy to get so angry at a parent and still go on holiday with them. You really need to become your own person, and stop getting so affected by your dad.

Your "that's his problem, not mine" attitude about your dad's OCD is even worse now that I know you have ADHD. You're basically blaming your bad behaviour on your neurodiversity and asking for allowances to be made on your part but you won't afford him the same.

And I say that as someone who has had adult diagnoses of both ADHD and ASD relatively recently, so I understand what you're going through more than most.

ADHD, autism etc is hereditary. It's passed down through families. So if you want to excuse your behaviour on that, then maybe so can your dad.

Using it as an excuse to behave badly is pretty awful. I know a LOT of people with ADHD and they aren't snappy and combative. You need to take responsibility for yourself before you turn into your dad and have a kid of your own behaving exactly the same way.

No such thing as a free lunch.

I have ADHD and so do both my children. Rudeness is not part of it. You are using that as an excuse for poor behaviour

This. Grow up

Which is fair however I feel like no good comes of “we paid for private education all your life and you could at least show some kindness” it’s always the private education. Nevermind the business that my dad wasted money on and never put any effort in to.

It’s his money he can waste it on whatever he wants to.

The issue here is it’s not only the private education he’s paid for.
You’re also living with him, getting free holidays and he’s lending your partner money - yet you’re acting really ungrateful and very spoilt.

At the end of the day you are choosing to live with them and go on holiday with them.

Me and my mum clash and I find her difficult to be around for too long due to her MH issues.
So I choose to not live with her or spend too much time with her in one go.
If she did ever invite me on a holiday that she paid for, I’d grit my teeth and bare it without arguing because I know how fortunate I am that she is being so generous.

Move out and I think you’ll start realising just how good you’ve had it and become much more appreciative.

You’re acting like your dad is to blame but I remember one of your threads where you said your mum was the one with the temper shouting at you.

When are you going to realise that it’s YOU that’s the problem here.

And if you are in denial and think it’s all them, then why are you still living and going on holiday with them.

😂
you’re 26 years old. Pay your way and you can put your chicken wherever you want

Op, you are 26, not a sulky hormonal teenager trailing behind your parents on holiday and hoping no one thinks you're with them. From what you've written you are easily as responsible for the discord as your father, who is probably far from perfect but at least attempted to make peace.

"I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry"

Do you really think that this is reasonable behaviour from a grown woman? Do you not think he might "get very rude" because of your "ranting"?

@Snowflakewater

' It’s not, I’ve recently had an adhd diagnosis and I’m pretty much navigating a lot rn so overall the way I am is pedantic in return to his pedantic ways sadly'

I think you may be needing some expert help with regard to the impact of your ADHD on your life . Is it just your dad that you have difficulty communicating with ? There are some alarm bells ringing with some of the posts you have made about your career TBH. I just think you may need some additional help with your approach to things and understanding of the way other people communicate.

My kids still like to holiday with us, but we don’t argue
But….. you say your argumentative then u say your placid
why go on holiday with them, surely at 26 you can save up and go with partner

Sounds to me like you deliberately put the chicken there because you knew it would upset him and make him anxious.
Your parents wasted their money on your education

This.

We are alike hence why we clash, but he just wasn’t a great dad growing up and sometimes it creates resentment and that tears it’s head as anger

He wasn't a great dad. You resent him. You're angry with him.
Easy fix: move out and stop going on holiday with him.

As much as I love the idea that it’s an easy fix, it’s not that simple for everyone

Well it's certainly simple enough not to go on holiday with him!

Oh yeah I’m not bothering again.

But it is that simple

You don't have to spend time with someone you don't get on with. It doesn't matter if its family, or someone you thought was a friend.

It doesn't matter that you see other families going on holiday together, or if your family tells you thats the way things are done.

You don't have to go on holiday with your family, you don't have to live with them. You only have to spend the amount of time with them that you are comfortable and happy doing, its that simple.