Can’t do another holiday with my dad AIBU?

[Snowflakewater]

I’m 26 he’s 63
In fairness to my parents, yes they paid for the holiday and everything I wanted to do here but he’s been very difficult the last few days and any opportunity to moan and complain he has. I always offer to pay but tbh I don’t have the funds for it.

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry

Yesterday we had a very large disagreement over dinner. He’s a germophobe and probably ocd too. I put my chicken on the edge of the plate. It was very close to the edge and he kept saying “that’s gonna fall off the plate” at least 3 times. So I snapped because stop telling me the same thing again and AGAIN. Then he tried to start up saying I had an “attitude” so of course I argued he’s causing the problem which he wasn’t having. The he complained I was “rude to the waitress” and I full well know I wasn’t he was just trying to create a problem where it wasn’t.

Later on my mum left us to try and figure it out and said “I’m not getting involved you guys can organise it” he just went on and on in circles that weren’t relevant saying things like “we put you through private education all your life do everything bring you on holidays never ask for a penny and you’re just being rude” etc etc. Then I said you’re just being pedantic and ridiculous he brought up my partners finances and paying his parents back again, irrelevant.

If I say something like “you’re being rediculous” all I get is “right but you’re not” so he never sees his own issue

So I said you’re ignorant and I’m not bothering coming with you again.

Later on he hugged me and said “I don’t want to keep arguing anymore” but I don’t feel I want to accept that because I’m sick of putting up with his behaviour. He can’t argue like an adult, I still won’t initiate conversation and it’s sort of ruining the last day of holiday

In the kindest possible way if you’re going to act like a teenager, he’s going to treat you like one.

You are spending way too much time together.
You either need to move out or not go on holiday with them.

Why don’t you live with your partner?

I would move out and then try going on holiday again (paying for yourself) and if you’re still arguing then just stop going on holiday with them.
Let them enjoy their holidays as a couple.

Can I ask a few Qs?

Do you drink coffee?
Do you have heavy periods?

I used to be argumentative and found I have a very pronounced irritability associated with drinking coffee. I am OK on decaf. I also used to have horribly heavy periods and only following a hysterectomy (Im nit suggesting you have one, lol) I found my moods changed massively.

You're possibly suffering some reaction to something you're eating/drinking, so take a test or experiment yourself.

Ref your dad, he sounds like my mum. It's annoying they repeat things at you, so once they tell you something answer them nicely. Yes thanks I've got it or ref the chicken, I know it looks like that but it's fine, and smile. Even if you don't feel like smiling do it, it releases happy chemicals in the body. Always answer them properly. It's hard for them to repeat things if you do this.

(unless they're AHs and have never cared for you), always be polite to your parents, without them you would not be here. So tell you parents you love them and you're working on your snappiness. And then go work on it. Because YABU.

Honestly you sound really immature. Why are you snapping all the time ? You sound really ungrateful.

Either ignore his comments with a shrug of the shoulder and continue your conversation or just move the bloody chicken.

You sound incredibly hard work

You sound like a teenager.

You got it completely in your first sentence! Kudos

When you are an adult on holiday with your parents, sometimes you have to make adjustments so that they have an acceptable holiday too. So if you know the chicken near the edge of your plate is going to trigger him, then to move it so that he is able to relax and enjoy his meal. If you are unable to be considerate to your parents in this way, then you should go on holiday with other people.

You are still behaving like you think your parents should put you at the centre of everything. Both with the lack of consideration for your Dad and the expecting them to listen to you rant. Who wants to go on holiday with someone who behaves in those ways? At 26 you need to grow up now. Become a mature adult and treat your parents with the consideration you would friends.

You seem more committed to stubbornly not adjusting the placement of a piece of chicken on a plate than in not causing an argument.

It would be SO EASY to suck up your dad's nagging (you say it is OCD so it's hardly fair of you to use it to wind him up with) with a "cheers dad" & move your chicken. How hard is that FFS?

I agree.

You’re living in their house and they’ve paid for the holiday (as well as many other things) so there is going to be a certain amount of you doing things to please them to show them you are grateful but instead it’s like you are trying to start an argument.

Why don’t you pay for a holiday for them and then you’ll see how annoying it is when the person you’ve paid for is acting like a brat.

@Snowflakewater it’s hard for him to respect a freeloading argumentative 26yr old who seems to think they are an adult yet whilst behaving like a spoiled brat.

You're too old to be going on holiday with your parents.

Go on holiday with your partner, friends or by yourself, and pay for it yourself.

He’s the parent here though
You are the gift that keeps on giving, Snowflake!
So full of contradictions & petulance ...

You want your dad to treat you like an adult & "argue like an adult" (FFS) - but then moan that he's not parenting you like you are a child?!

I’m normally very placid
vs:
I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant

Which is it, Miss Contrarian?

I couldn't imagine accepting a paid holiday from someone I had this type of relationship and who I couldn't work together with in maintaining a relationship. He is the parent, but the parent to an adult, not a child. Your expectations and sense of entitlement come across as excessive to me. Ignoring people is really not a good way of dealing with things, I feel more for your father than you in this situation.

Agreed, YABU, you sound like you need to go on holiday on your own for a few years which is absolutely normal at the age of 26. This can’t be fun for anyone. Maybe do a few overnight/ daytime things with your mum instead.

You are 26 years old not 6 FFS.

You are an adult.

Every single answer you have given is showing you as argumentative, stubborn snappy and immature. I don't think your DF is the one at fault, at the very least it is what my DM would call 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other.

You’re living in their house and they’ve paid for the holiday (as well as many other things) so there is going to be a certain amount of you doing things to please them to show them you are grateful but instead it’s like you are trying to start an argument.

Tbh I think part of the issue is that if you've always lived with your parents, you do tend to stay in that child-parent dynamic much longer.

You're not grateful for living in their house or them taking you on holiday until you finally achieve some distance, and then you can see them more as separate from you instead of one unit of the three of you. It takes a while to break these habits.

I definitely appreciate my parents more now that I live separately from them, and I also feel more free to say no to things, whereas when we were living together I was automatically fixtured into most plans (especially something like a holiday) and it would have been seen as a bit weird all round if I just said I didn't want to go - they likely would have just tried to find something that I did want to go to as they would have felt like they were excluding me since I was a member of the household.

It would drive me mad if someone commented on where my food was on my plate.

Sounds like your Dad might have some anxiety issues, as this is exactly what my Dad is like (I’m 43, but I wouldn’t go on holiday with him).

Like I’m sure you’re is, my Dad is lovely in a number of ways but is impossible to live/ holiday with as he picks at any number of tiny things - with family that is, where he thinks he’s ok to do it. He has certainly got some anxieties that cause this, but I don’t know how my mum lives with it- well I do, they just bicker all the time.

Just don’t go on holiday with your parents any more. It’s the only answer.

I’m sure your dad has his quirks, everyone does, but if you’re willing to accept their offer to go on holiday for free you need to remember you’re not a teenager any more and that you need to treat your parents respectfully. If you find your dad so impossibly annoying/frustrating/pedantic that you can’t bite your tongue or be polite and cheerful, then you need to say no to going on holiday again.

I think most of us have a natural tendency to revert in our behaviour when we spend an extended period of time with our parents, and to act much more like a teenager than we would with anyone else, bring more argumentative, easily frustrated, or sulky. But that doesn’t make it ok, I’ve caught myself being unusually rude or grumpy to my parents when on holiday but I try to think how I would feel if it was caught on camera and shown to my friends and how incredibly embarrassing, immature and unacceptable that behaviour would appear.

For what it’s worth, I’m in my early thirties with a husband and baby and still go on holiday with my parents at least once a year, I enjoy it. I’ve also been backpacking with my mum for weeks in my twenties. Sometimes they paid, sometimes i paid. But I still try and treat them like humans, not just annoyances.

You cannot control your Dad and you cannot change him. Whilst you continue to focus on him and anything he does wrong, in your eyes, you only punish yourself by denying yourself the opportunity of genuine self reflection and improvement. It's the kind of trap that keeps the trapper contained, not the target.

You can control yourself and you can change yourself and your situation so that your Dad has less impact on you.

Focus on the type of person you want to be and be that person - regardless of how other people behave.

Focus on changing your situation and getting more of the space you say you want: look to move out into the world because almost without exception, a difficult relationship is made easier by day-to-day space from each other.

You both sound very childish, and to be brutally honest your replies on here show that too.

Lots of people have pointed out that you're acting in the same way, and your response has always been along the lines of "it's him, he's the parent, I get it from him". You're 26 years old. You're a grownup. You are able to adjust your behaviour, you are responsible for your own behaviour. Act like it.

I feel very sorry for your mother caught in the middle.

I have 2 grown up children (and 2 much younger), both slightly older than you, and I'd be furious if they were behaving as you are. Particularly if I was funding a holiday as your parents are.

Him being the parent would be relevant if you were a child.

You're a grown ass woman, you can't rely on mummy and daddy forever, stand on your own two feet.

Why are you putting yourself in a situation where you automatically fall into angry teenager mode? As adults we have to move on from the relationship dynamics of our childhood but it sounds as though holidays with your parents are making you all fall back into old patterns. Your dad is being pedantic, you’re being a stroppy cow and your poor mum is the peacemaker.
Going for your mums sake doesn’t sound like you’re doing her any favours tbh, let them go on their own - they were a couple before you turned up.

Agree entirely.

Also, @Snowflakewater you say "I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry"

I'm sure your dad doesn't enjoy it when you get snappy and rant. The times he doesn't get involved and just lets you get on with it are a sign of love, a stranger wouldn't tolerate that shit from you. I imagine he gets rude when he's had a guts full of your behaviour.
What you should do at that point is wind your neck in, realise they've paid for your holiday and behave better - not as you suggest you do, "get really angry".

You sound like a nightmare. Disrespectful, immature and not in control of your emotions.

@Snowflakewater based on your responses to anyone on this thread suggesting you might be contributing to the problem it's obvious that you are seriously lacking in self awareness and maturity.
And, as another poster suggested, rather short on empathy too.

That’s just being ridiculously petty.

it would make zero difference to you to move the chicken, but would make his meal much more comfortable.

your Dad sounds annoying in some things, but you made yourself sound selfish and downright nasty with that one.

This.

Stop going on holiday with your parents.

In other situations with them, consider the phrase "pick your battles".

It's unbelievable to me that you would argue with your father over the position of chicken on your plate.

You sound every bit as rude and petty as he does. And unbelievably childish.

Your poor mother.