Can’t do another holiday with my dad AIBU?

[Snowflakewater]

I’m 26 he’s 63
In fairness to my parents, yes they paid for the holiday and everything I wanted to do here but he’s been very difficult the last few days and any opportunity to moan and complain he has. I always offer to pay but tbh I don’t have the funds for it.

I’m argumentative I’m not gonna deny it, I get really snappy at times and sometimes he doesn’t get involved and just lets me rant but then at times he gets very rude so I get really angry

Yesterday we had a very large disagreement over dinner. He’s a germophobe and probably ocd too. I put my chicken on the edge of the plate. It was very close to the edge and he kept saying “that’s gonna fall off the plate” at least 3 times. So I snapped because stop telling me the same thing again and AGAIN. Then he tried to start up saying I had an “attitude” so of course I argued he’s causing the problem which he wasn’t having. The he complained I was “rude to the waitress” and I full well know I wasn’t he was just trying to create a problem where it wasn’t.

Later on my mum left us to try and figure it out and said “I’m not getting involved you guys can organise it” he just went on and on in circles that weren’t relevant saying things like “we put you through private education all your life do everything bring you on holidays never ask for a penny and you’re just being rude” etc etc. Then I said you’re just being pedantic and ridiculous he brought up my partners finances and paying his parents back again, irrelevant.

If I say something like “you’re being rediculous” all I get is “right but you’re not” so he never sees his own issue

So I said you’re ignorant and I’m not bothering coming with you again.

Later on he hugged me and said “I don’t want to keep arguing anymore” but I don’t feel I want to accept that because I’m sick of putting up with his behaviour. He can’t argue like an adult, I still won’t initiate conversation and it’s sort of ruining the last day of holiday

it’s funny because my mum and me know how to resolve things like adults. But he can’t. I say something like “you’re being unreasonable” his response is “yeah so you’re not”

Adults don't bicker like 10 year olds. I get the feeling you and your mom 'resolve' things by her backing down.

I get that, but he needs to understand not everyone’s beliefs are the same. If the food falls off the plate I’ll pick it up and finish it. I don’t need to be told like I’m 5 years old on repeat. It’s too much.

Then to bring in the fact they paid for my education. It’s not a choice I made they did that.

It's a difficult one. We are the oldies and I do think my DH especially has become a bit set in his ways.We have been on holiday many times paid all or partly by us with DD DSIL DGC . Clashes used to occur particularly between DH and DSIL. They need a holiday they can't afford, we like spending time with dgc and daughter. For it to work there needs to be a bit of tolerance on both sides. We all do better than we used to. They appreciate the effort we are making as they know our own funds are not unlimited and we have all accepted that the aim is for all to have a good time and to do that certain subjects are best avoided. Try not to spoil the last day. From past experience, a bit of trouble mid holiday is soon forgotten about but somehow an unfriendly last day is more hurtful around. Especially if you are making this the last time 💐

Your spelling and grammar is not good. He's probably upset he spent money and you don't come across as having learnt at school. Are you now professionally qualified at 26 or still studying? You describe yourself like a teenager not an adult.

i think you would both benefit from putting some space between you.

Actually no, we sit down and talk about each persons perspective and how to move forward. That’s just how we’ve always done it.

Sadly there’s none availiable

@Snowflakewater and who instigates/leads those conversations? Because that's not how you're attempting to communicate with your dad

That’s dyslexia :) sadly they had no choice that my brain doesn’t function as well as yours

Would you rant at anyone else or just your parents? I don’t think your ranting is acceptable.

I usually let it cool off and go to my mum or vice versa. We sit together and just talk about how each other feels and hug. We hear each other out and that’s what’s important for us both.

At my dad because of his pedantic ways and demand for respect when he gives none to me.

Do you live together?

I usually let it cool off and go to my mum or vice versa. We sit together and just talk about how each other feels and hug. We hear each other out and that’s what’s important for us both.

But your dad attempted to do this and you shut him down.

I agree with PP above, he’s paid therefore he’s in charge. I have a friend with a father like this and when she says anything it comes as a shock to him because she doesn’t do it very often.

He’s not going to change.

She also puts up to keep the peace with her mother -

And so the cycle continues.

Id not bother with holidays anymore - ask you mum to go away with just you in future if she fancies a break from him.

It sounds to me that the Apple didn’t fall far from
the tree and you and dad clash because you have the same personality.

You're 26. Don't go on holiday with your parents if you don't get on with them. It's not compulsory.

If you 'don't always have the funds' for a holiday by yourself, don't go on holiday at all.

Letting Mummy and Daddy pay for you to have a holiday and do all the activities you wanted to do, and then moaning about having to be in their company, is ungrateful.

Your dad sounds a bit irritating, sure. But you sound incredibly stroppy and spoilt and quite immature.

I wouldn’t particularly have wanted to go away with my mum and dad on holiday when I was 26. Do you live together?

Well you can't be this and admit that you are argumentative aswell as you did in your OP.

I honestly thought you were going to say you were 16 .. time to be an adult and pay your own way.

This

You are 26, stop going on holiday with your parents. Either go with your partner or on your own.

You are still having teenage style bickering arguments with him. He sees you as a child he can direct by paying for everything. You need to move onto a more adult footing - probably you can only do this by not accepting his money.

I don’t put up. That’s the difference. I’m not listening to his nonsense. You don’t demand I treat you a certain way and you can’t do it yourself. No way.

Been on loads with my mum tbh.

Whenever you are with your parents, at whatever age, they will see you in the 'daughter' outline of the situation and expect that you will still fall into line with them occupying the 'parent' outline. They care about you but see your 'agency' as something they still need to influence or steer.

My parents are now in their 70s and many things that seem to be in their minds fall on a long timeline with the most detail of things that happened and people I knew when I was at school over 30 years ago, but that I can barely remember or haven't seen because of life, work, and moving several times since 1998.

This doesn't sound like a pleasant holiday and it sounds like one that's too long, for you if you can't change someone's behaviour (not commonly successful in most cases). What do you want out of a holiday? You may need to pursue it yourself and be nice but honest about wanting different things/ a relaxing experience.