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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:
balalake · 15/08/2022 21:11

I'd think Cambridge could defer the offer, nothing ventured unless you ask. And I don't think he has to go to university.

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 21:11

God I'd encourage him to go to Uni and split up with her.
What's the point in doing anything else?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/08/2022 21:12

Im always baffled when people are surprised that sex - the primary purpose of which is to conceive a baby - results in the conception of a baby. Your DM is being ridiculous to claim your DB is some sort of victim in this. And he is your DB - you don’t advise, you let him decide what to do and support him to be a good father no matter his decision

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/08/2022 21:12

My 20yo got his gf pregnant.. They both have good long term careers. He told her he would support her financially but his job involved world travel. As did hers in another job though. She had an abortion sadly when he was abroad. They broke up when he did come home. She totally blamed him but he has no regrets.

We never met her. It was quite a casual thing and he was certain he used protection..
In your shoes writing down the financial implications may spell out how things would be.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/08/2022 21:12

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 21:11

God I'd encourage him to go to Uni and split up with her.
What's the point in doing anything else?

Um, the point would be that he is a present father to his child?

Funnyfive · 15/08/2022 21:16

Go to Uni, he will be able to support the baby better long term.

Redbone · 15/08/2022 21:18

It has to be his choice but I would be encouraging him to split up with his GF, go to Uni and try to support his baby financially.

TwoWeeksislong · 15/08/2022 21:19

This baby will need support for 18-25 years. Going to Cambridge may well increase your DB’s earning potential long term and allow him to better support his child overall, whether or not he and his gf remain in a relationship.

She should probably try to go to uni herself for the first semester and then take a year out for Maternity leave and start up again in the 2nd semester the following year (2023/2024). Being a student might even give her access to childcare funding and creche places that she won’t have otherwise.

They both need to think longer term than next year.
The teens’ mum’s don’t get the final say on any decisions other than how involved (or not) they want to be in providing childcare.

sonjadog · 15/08/2022 21:20

I think firstly he should defer his place at Cambridge for a year to give him space to think about this. Secondly, I think you need to talk to him about if he was really planning on breaking up with her before this announcement and if that is true, then he needs to do that. No point two 18 years starting out pretending to be in a commited relationship when they are inevitably going to break up shortly anyway. They can rather work out how they can co-parent or however they decide to go about it. After that, I would wait and see for a bit. Emotions are high at the moment, but a few months down the line, it might be clear what needs to happen when the baby is here. So it might be that he decides to go to Cambridge after all, or he might decide to follow a different path. But right now, I would think the main thing is to keep options open and the impulsive decision making to a minimum.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 15/08/2022 21:20

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities)

But he hung on to her for sex in the interim? Nice. Tell him to end it and to fully support his child. She'll be better off without him, I suspect.

Mumspair1 · 15/08/2022 21:20

Redbone · 15/08/2022 21:18

It has to be his choice but I would be encouraging him to split up with his GF, go to Uni and try to support his baby financially.

I think this is the best option. It would be such a bad decision to give up university. The gf also has a responsibility to provide for the baby, so it's not solely up to him.

FionnulaTheCooler · 15/08/2022 21:21

I think going to his local university to do his degree to save on accommodation costs and working part time around his university hours to provide child support money would be a reasonable compromise.

hopsalong · 15/08/2022 21:23

I don't think you should encourage him not to go to university. In fact, I think you should encourage him to go.

It's true that sex does lead to babies, and anyone engaging in sex should be aware of that fact. BUT it's unlikely that anyone would get pregnant while on the pill, if taking it properly. And having sex while using reliable contraception, in a country where abortion is legal and socially acceptable, doesn't mean being willing to raise a child. Was your brother's GF taking the pill every day, I wonder? (And I know it happens occasionally, before anyone tells me that they got pregnant while on the pill and using condoms etc etc. But the vast majority of pregnancies while on the pill happen because of missed pills.) And had she discussed her fervent opposition to abortion with him?

I teach at a university (Oxbridge, as it happens) and I have known several students get pregnant in the first year of the course. Abortion is the normal course of action. My students (all girls) have all been very relieved it was an available option, and have gone on to have happy and successful university and post-university careers. One has also had three children in her late 20s with her husband, who was not her university boyfriend.

DB would not have been considering splitting up with his gf because of distance if he was really in love with her. Please don't encourage him to throw away his future, including the possibility of other relationships in the future, because of this. Of course he will need to step up and behave responsibly if his gf chooses to keep the baby. But he doesn't need to rent a rubbish flat, get a rubbish job (because no good ones to be had with only A levels), and live with a girl that he wants to break up with instead of going to university.

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 21:24

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/08/2022 21:12

Um, the point would be that he is a present father to his child?

Show quote history

Why? He's 18, he'll be rubbish at it anyway, it isn't planned, he doesn't want to be with her, in no way is it a sensible decision to decide to have a baby but her choice. Not a joint decision. Nope, I'd be encouraging him to continue his life plans and take things from there.
The good news is that his parental contributions would be miniscule so it's not a major financial concern for years.

Original poster
SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:24

I agree that mum is being ridiculous. She never liked the GF and I think she is being unfair. As to not advising him…. As I said I’m considerably older and he turns to me for advise. I’m trying to give him the right advice.

DB is trying to do the right thing but I am not sure that his plans, long term actually achieve that. I also think at 18 he has no idea the impact of his decision to not go to University would have

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets1 · 15/08/2022 21:24

He should go to University - and so should she - although she may need to defer a year she should be able to access childcare etc as a student and additional finance for her child. A place at Cambridge would be daft to give up. It's not the 1950s any more!
He should work as much as possible in the holidays to provide financially for the baby - but dont give up a place at Cambridge.

mattressspring · 15/08/2022 21:24

@ArcticSkewer

Bloody hell. I take it you have no daughters?

AgathaMystery · 15/08/2022 21:25

I would suggest some serious listening to these 2 teens to see what they each want.

There needs to be a Frank financial discussion about the costs and the earning potential of both of them. The contacts you make at oxbridge are as important as anything else you do there.

rnsaslkih · 15/08/2022 21:25

He was going to split with her. So he probably needs to go through with that.

He obviously needs to provide for the child but in the long term he will be better able to do this with the Cambridge degree. Therefore for the next 3/4 years his mum needs to pay half the costs for the baby. After all, she is the one who is adamant he will do the degree, so she needs to make that happen by paying for his child to eat/have clothes etc in the meantime.

i don’t think the plan of the 2 grannies bringing up the child is any good. The GF will want to be with that baby, I doubt she will want to go away to university and leave the baby. It will feel way different for GF than baby dad because she is pregnant, giving birth and bfing. What she decides is up to her really, but baby daddy/his family need to hand over money in any case.

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 21:26

And to be clear, if this was my 18 year old daughter I would absolutely be encouraging her to go to uni and plan for single parenthood. No need to compound the error. Obviously abortion is a totally preferable option but that's her choice. Which comes with consequences.

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 21:28

mattressspring · 15/08/2022 21:24

@ArcticSkewer

Bloody hell. I take it you have no daughters?

I have both. I'm not keen on teen pregnancies and ruining life chances for any of them.

AlwaysLatte · 15/08/2022 21:29

In the long term he would be better able to provide for them with a degree. I would 100% be encouraging this.

ihatebojo · 15/08/2022 21:30

Funnyfive · 15/08/2022 21:16

Go to Uni, he will be able to support the baby better long term.

This

namechange30455 · 15/08/2022 21:30

I'd probably ask if they'd defer as that would give some more time to think.

Worth noting that Cambridge terms are pretty short - he'd be home about half the time anyway.

Dancingwithhyenas · 15/08/2022 21:31

I think in the long run them both getting degrees is likely to result in best long benefit for the baby. Cambridge terms are intense but short. I’d encourage her to get all the childcare grants she can, go to uni and DB to commit to seeing baby at weekends and holidays (like many dads do).

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