18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

You describe him as naive. In that case, it’s worth asking a cou of pertinent questions:

1, Is he absolutely sure he’s the father?
2, Is it possible that she suspected he was going to end the relationship when he went to go to uni, and had a conveniently timed contraception ‘failure’? Or, more bluntly, has she tried to trap him?

I got pregnant in my first year at uni. Before I found out, I was considering ditching the boyfriend…we stayed together, had the baby, and I moved to my home uni and continued after taking a year out. He gave up uni and got a job to support us. The relationship ultimately collapsed anyway, rather unpleasantly, I lost the unique benefits of the degree I had been on, and my DC has pretty negative feelings about dad…

With the benefit of hindsight I would have broken up with the boyfriend, stayed at my original uni (taking a year out still) and been a merry single mum.

I’d advise your brother’s GF to terminate actually- I just couldn’t make that decision for myself, even hypothetically, knowing the wonderful DC I now have!

No one else can advise and decide what they need to do - they’re both adults, they need to decide together. After all, what they want and what they decide to do may be the complete opposite of what everyone else thinks they should do, it’s their lives , not yours or your mums. All you can all do is support them whatever they decide.

Those saying that he would be in a better position to support the child by going to Uni - that’s assuming he actually does decide to be an involved father, who is completely committed to doing right by his child, pay maintenance based on the apparently inevitable high earnings he will get in years to come. It’s assuming that he forgoes a lot of the usual Uni experiences in order to visit his child, or send his GF money rather than going partying. It’s assuming he won’t be resentful of the tie he has back home that he, with the help of his mum, believes he is some sort of victim, and that he won’t in time allow his GF and baby to fall by the wayside when there’s fun opportunities to be had at Uni.

. Likelihood is, he already has one foot out the door, after the first term GF will be fazed out and come graduation he’s not seen the baby since his first year, never sent a penny, forgotten all about them, has a new Uni GF and his child will probably be getting raised by another man.

it’s maybe a cynical viewpoint, but it’s very much a realistic one

Cambridge is very pressurised and the holidays are different, no half terms etc, two of my daughter's friends went. I doubt he'll juggle studying there and coming home at weekends unless you live close.

I’d very strongly be guiding him to go to university, whether that is oxbridge or his next choice. His earning potential will be likely much better and he will always regret not going. And he needs to tell her they are splitting up, it might alter her views on whether to continue with the pregnancy, and what she does next.

I think he should go to Cambridge. Short terms and 3 years, the baby is only going to be 2 when he graduates. He will need to be prepared to face the financial commitments when he has a job but the reality is he will be able to provide for the baby much more if he has a good degree.

She should probably defer for a year but going to uni with a baby is doable. Leaving the baby behind with the two grandmothers isn't a great idea and I wouldn't encourage that. It is her decision to keep the baby, not something he should try to influence.

And I’d advise your DB to get himself to Cambridge and do his degree! He’ll be much more use as a contributing father with that in the bag. He can do holiday work to help support the baby.

He should definitely if he can defer. A year of them trying to co-parent etc will tell a lot and the realisation of costs and the need for a good job will probably make more sense to him then.

If he has no intention of being in a relationship,he needs to tell her as soon as possible,so she's making an informed choice either way.

He needs to go to university. He may need to reconsider which school he attends. He now has a financial responsibility to his child. He will need to find a way to work part-time while studying. He also needs to keep his living expenses as low as possible. It will be a balancing act because he also needs to make sure he considers his long term earning capacity.

Basically, he won’t be spending the next few years studying, drinking, and making friends. He gets to study, work, and somehow find time to be a parent.

if I were her mother, I would be working hard to convince her that she is making a mistake. If I couldn’t, then I would tell her to apply to university and then talk to each school to see who can offer the best situation.

in a perfect world, the two of them really should try to end up in the same city for school. It will make child care much easier and cheaper. I wouldn’t advise cohabitation though.

GF absolutely gets to decide what to do with her body and the pregnancy, but she doesn’t get to decide everything. It’s not okay, for example, to declare that moving to Cambridge is “not an option”.

It sounds like the baby isn’t due until mid March. By then your DB will be most of the way through his first year. Oxbridge terms are only 8 weeks (although obv serious study is also required during the vacations in order to do at all well).

With family support it might even be possible also for the GF to get two terms at uni and then take a leave of absence for the last term and the following year. These days universities allow mat leave.

If the GF (and her mother) understands that this is not immediately going to involve a happy little romantic love nest, provided by your DB working at MacDonalds (or wherever), and that she also will need either to work or study throughout most of her pregnancy, just like most other grown women, and then return to work as soon as statutory maternity pay runs out, she may take a different view of her options.

Of course, everything will need to be reconsidered once the baby is born, but with a year, or part of a year, each at uni both young parents may have clearer ideas of their future plans and their relationship.

If DB doesn’t go to Cambridge, he will ultimately go somewhere good, and it seriously doesn’t matter as much as people think. But he really, really does need to get his degree somewhere. Your mum is right about that, but she also needs to be clear that someone is going to have to pay to support the child, if GF sticks with her plan to keep the pregnancy. If DB is at Cambridge, his part of the financial support will probably have to come from your mum or other family member, and that will be on top of uni costs so it won’t be cheap! (Oxbridge are very reluctant to allow students to work while studying - though some tutors do, it’s not a great plan.). If the money can be found in the short term, then hopefully he can pay your mum back when he is finished.

Unfortunately it’s really about whether there is enough money.

This!

Wow. Amazed at the number of mums telling this dude to dump his pregnant teenage girlfriend cos that makes financial sense for him 🤯 how depressing.

Only the couple can decide what to do, this may bring them closer together, but even if they break up, this baby ties them together for life. (Even if he loses touch with the babg and mum he’ll still have grandchildren looking his other kids up one day via ancestry.com or whatever.)

I would suggest his GF forgets university for now and stays living with her mum, he goes to Cambridge as planned, and works long hours in the holidays to help provide for his child. The relationship may or may not survive but that’s a secondary issue to providing for the baby. Once the child is old enough for full time childcare, GF can do uni at that point if she still wants to.

Girlfriend is very silly and naive to want to keep the baby at her age and stage in life. It sounds like she is trying to trap him. Her Mum is encouraging this by wanting to look after the baby whilst she is at Uni. I would try and get him to finish the relationship. Giving up on uni will ruin his life.

Men have no choice in whether the woman keeps the baby, that's her choice. Quite rightly.

Men's choice lies in whether they support the mother and child beyond the financial support of cms.

It's important that naive 18 year olds understand how little support they are likely to receive from another 18 year old when they make their decision to keep the baby or abort.

If you boil it down to simple facts. 1. They took precautions so were not foolhardy. 2. He wanted to end the relationship before this happened. 3. He wants to go to university. 4. The girl wants to keep the baby, her choice, not his and it shouldnt influence him one jot. 5. If the girls mother wants to bring up the child good for her...I wouldnt offer to do this for my children...Ive had my family thats enough...no reason for your mum to offer at all. 6 Your brother will ruin his life and will always resent mother and child. Honestly...if this was one of my kids I would be saying go and live your life. Do not let this change your mind, you will for ever be heartbroken that you didnt go to Oxbridge. As a footnote, if I were the girls mum I would be telling her to go to uni and have an abortion. 2 months is a small collection of cells nothing more, its not a baby. This one accident could end up ruining his life, her life, the childs life and their parents lives.

Cambridge terms are intense but very short at eight weeks in length. He should go to University. Dependent on the College that has accepted him he may also be able to.get couples accommodation. He should explore these options but on no account turn down the place.

So many assumptions that he can just walk away, scott free. His child, 50% custody for the next 18 years and all his share of costs
paid should be the minimum.

But tbe duration of terms is very short!

Wow @ArcticSkewer how judgemental you are. I feel pregnant with my eldest just as I was getting my a level results and he came to uni with me. He now has a degree in fine art and I couldn't be prouder.
It's not ideal but if I was Him I would either defer for a year or go. Education is key out of difficult situations.

This tbh. He should provide for the child, of course. But saving for a house with a girl he was about to break up with? Giving up university?

That would be a no from me.

Firstly, he needs to break it off with her if he was already thinking of doing so prior to the baby news. Far too many people stay in relationships just for the sake of the children and it rarely works out. Either they end up breaking up anyway, or they stay together miserably. They're 18. There are years ahead of them. That's a very long time to stay unsatisfied. Also, she deserves to know that this won't be a case of them playing happy families in one house.

Secondly, he should go to uni, pursue the career that he wants to pursue so that he can support this baby financially in the long term. He will regret this in the future.

Also, not to sound insensitive, and I will probably get a lot of criticism for saying this but not all pregnancies lead to babies. A lot can happen in the meantime so both your son and his gf need to be clear on where they stand with each other as a couple and as individuals, regardless of whether or not there is a baby in the picture.

He needs to be honest about the relationship. The fact that she thinks it is solid might be influencing her decision to go ahead with the pregnancy. A lovely little fantasy , your DBro not moving 100 miles away, staying with her as a happy little family with a baby.

He needs to be honest.

It won’t last as a relationship, and his long term opportunities for supporting the baby are much better if he takes his Cambridge place.

I don’t see the point in deferring. In a year out as an 18 yo he isn’t going to be able to earn enough to support a flat, etc. Better to get on with the long game.

He can do what he can to earn money in his long Cambridge holidays, and be as present as possible as a Dad.

She should also pursue her education as outlined by a PP.

TBH if she was my Dd I would be making the advantages of delaying motherhood and waiting for a mature relationship as clear as I could.

Namechangehereandnow agreed

Ultimately it is the GF choice whether to keep their child or not

It is their individual choice whether to go to uni or not

They don't have to remain in a relationship

They are both adults

I agree with the consensus that he should break up with her and continue with his plans. Yes, the baby is the result of him and his gf having sex, however, she is making the choice to continue the pregnancy. Choices have consequences. His consequence is financial. Hers is holding the baby, who will only be 2 when he graduates. I wouldn’t consider deferring though. This will give his gf the impression he’s in the relationship for the long haul.