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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo got his GF pregnant.

1000 replies

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 21:08

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 15/08/2022 22:15

5128gap · 15/08/2022 22:03

Your DS has alternatives to uni that can still lead to a good career and high salary. There are large companies that take on trainees and apprentices post A level, even funding degrees or equivalent where relevant. I know a number of young people who did this and in their mid twenties are earning around £30k, with a good career path ahead. Might be worth a chat with a careers adviser.

£30k is not a good salary when compared to the salary he could command with a Cambridge degree under his belt.

He should absolutely go to Cambridge and continue his education. He will then be better able to support his child going forward. The reality is she can indeed to choose to keep the baby but she knows as does her mum that the father is an 18 year old student. For the best long term solution for all involved is that he goes to Cambridge as planned, works in holidays where possible and gives some maintenance that way, progresses into a good career and pays maintenance that way.

I am working on the basis they will split as he wanted to anyway and it is unlikely that the relationship would magically be revived wit the addition of a baby in the mix.

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 22:15

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 22:09

Think it’s also worth saying they deferring is going to be a struggle. He’s got a place to read Medicine. So it’s a longer course and extremely competitive. He can’t simply do it at the local university or part time.

thank you for all the advice. I think you those of you who say go to uni, long term prospects etc are right. I’ve been in a tiz because he’s been so adamant he wants to do the right thing by her but of course he has to do his degree, think of his future and let her make her decisions once he has dumped her.

Oh hilarious ... throw that in!

Medicine ... well it's not like a job in McDs is really comparable, is it ....

Twizbe · 15/08/2022 22:15

SnickersTwix · 15/08/2022 22:09

Think it’s also worth saying they deferring is going to be a struggle. He’s got a place to read Medicine. So it’s a longer course and extremely competitive. He can’t simply do it at the local university or part time.

thank you for all the advice. I think you those of you who say go to uni, long term prospects etc are right. I’ve been in a tiz because he’s been so adamant he wants to do the right thing by her but of course he has to do his degree, think of his future and let her make her decisions once he has dumped her.

He really needs to go to uni now. He would be a fool to not do so.

It sounds like she might have been a little economical with the truth regarding the contraception. She really does need to know that he doesn't want a relationship with her and that happy families isn't going to happen.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/08/2022 22:15

@ArcticSkewer I think you have misunderstood the post by @Stomacharmeleon I read it as being that her baby 'went to uni' with her not her boyfriend.

LittleBearPad · 15/08/2022 22:16

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 22:13

That's great. I'm glad the 18 year old father of your child really stepped up and was a great parent. Shows not all 18 year old unexpected fathers leave the scene/are a bit useless. There you go, op - a good news story of a happy pair of 18 year olds successfully co-parenting to adulthood.

Show quote history

Only I read it that the baby went to uni with no word about the father.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/08/2022 22:16

How is it 'hilarious' he's doing medicine @ArcticSkewer ? odd comment.

Christonabike37 · 15/08/2022 22:16

It sounds like she's going to have a lot of support from her mum. She wasn't too bothered about university, she can defer university and still do what she wanted and her mum can help her. He needs to go to university, in the long run the kid needs a parent who will be able to provide for him well. If they both had good universities lined up and big plans then it would be different but his life will be far more derailed than hers. He needs to come back as much as possible to spend time with the baby and support her looking after the baby. I'm not sure if he will have to contribute financially, he's not going to be rolling in it at oxbridge and she's probably going to stay living with her mum and will be able to claim benefits.

Obviously your mums response is frankly childish and pathetic.

FlorettaB · 15/08/2022 22:16

I’m with your mother on this. If his girlfriend wants to continue the pregnancy she is entitled to financial support from the father based on his earnings. An 18 year old going to university doesn’t have an income. She knows that. It’s not like he’s a 30 year old working cash in hand to avoid child support! She’s not entitled to childcare or financial support from the baby’s father’s mother and if her own mother intends to act as a parent to the baby that’s her choice but there’s a difference between supporting and enabling. If you choose to have a baby at 18 you shouldn’t be passing off the parenting to your Mum.

Jellicoe · 15/08/2022 22:17

Tell your bro to think of the long game. A degree from Oxbridge isnt something to turn down. It will lead to better jobs and better financially in the medium to long term. Surely his gf can appreciate that. Also if he wanted to break up, giving up his place isn't going to help him is it? There is no such thing as love conquers all. Also tel him to put a sock at the end of next time. My two girls were fro me taking the pill (god I love them don't get me wrong) 😝

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 22:17

JinglingHellsBells · 15/08/2022 22:15

@ArcticSkewer I think you have misunderstood the post by @Stomacharmeleon I read it as being that her baby 'went to uni' with her not her boyfriend.

well that wouldn't make sense, as I was saying how most 18 year old fathers of unplanned and unwanted children would be useless. She can tell us all about how great he was and prove me wrong.

VaccineSticker · 15/08/2022 22:18

Another one here- Encourage him to go to Cambridge.
-He wasn’t planning to stay with here anyway.
-From an an economic point of view he’s better off going to Cambridge- hopefully he will land on an excellent pay package once he graduates and that will help support baby.
Hope this has taught him a lesson on the use of condoms. From what you said about his gf feeling broody after seeing her sister having a baby, there’s a good chance she made this happen on purpose. She probably thinks babies are like dollies…

Evenstar · 15/08/2022 22:19

I agree with your mother, he should go to Cambridge,

I saw a similar situation with 2 cousins, both men turned down uni places,. The older cousin got married due to the era it happened in and her husband had a series of affairs ending in a bitter divorce, and he was clear how much he had resented giving up university.

The younger cousin lived with her partner and ended up as a single parent with 3 children after some nasty domestic violence. He bore such resentment for losing out on his education that he moved away and the children didn’t see him again.

Obviously, their behaviour was appalling and I could never condone it, but I think it shows how much someone could resent giving up an opportunity to go to a top university and how that could affect relationships over time.

I think it is far better that he looks to maximise his future earnings to support them financially as per PP he can still spend time with his child when he is home. It is far better to work out arrangements in an adult way especially as the romantic relationship had run it’s course.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/08/2022 22:19

I do wonder Op if this was quite the accident it appears. You say your DB's GF was keen on him for years and isn't fussed about getting a degree, also she was keen on being a young Mum. Do you think she thought once he went to Uni she'd lose him and a baby was the ideal way to make him stay? If I'm right it's even more important your DB tells her it's over because she may feel very differently when she finds out she'll be a single parent

undecided112 · 15/08/2022 22:19

I think it's important to note- does he want a relationship with the baby?

Of course it was unplanned, and it's not ideal. And of course university is his best life prospect. But if he's moving to Cambridge he won't witness the baby grow up- can he live with that?

Jellybean23 · 15/08/2022 22:20

Even without the pregnancy, the relationship was unlikely to last. He needs to be completely honest with GF and admit he'd intended breaking up before the pregnancy bombshell. How can they make a sensible plan moving forward without being completely honest with each other. The GF might change her mind about having the baby if she knows what his intentions were. He needs to be totally open and honest with her.

Jellicoe · 15/08/2022 22:20

also OP's mum's position should be respected - she has raised her kids and deserve to choose and have an opinion re raising Gcs. It doesn't make her a bad person at all x

IAmOldNow · 15/08/2022 22:20

Or, more bluntly, has she tried to trap him?

As horrible as this is going to sound: possibly better never to find out! Not for the OP's brother's sake but for the child's!

I happen to know someone whose mother admittedly conceived them to "trap" their father. And it worked, too! The child (middle-aged by now) has quite some complicated feelings about their parents, not all but at least some of which are related to this.

On substance: naturally, the brother should go to uni - as should the girlfriend once possible! And, as PP has noted: he has got to break up with her ASAP so as to make sure she makes her choices without any rose coloured happy family spectacles on!

ToxicCuntMum · 15/08/2022 22:20

JinglingHellsBells · 15/08/2022 22:16

How is it 'hilarious' he's doing medicine @ArcticSkewer ? odd comment.

Another cross on the bingo card I reckon

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 22:21

JinglingHellsBells · 15/08/2022 22:16

How is it 'hilarious' he's doing medicine @ArcticSkewer ? odd comment.

you don't think it's a bit 'dropped in there' and possibly slightly relevant, what with medicine being hugely competitive and not something you can just get a place somewhere else to study? A vocation that he will have already committed a huge amount of work to? It's not really media studies, is it?

The even better news from his point of view is he won't owe anything useful in cms for about a decade. This could be the cheapest time he could ever father a child.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/08/2022 22:22

I feel pregnant with my eldest just as I was getting my a level results and he [the baby] came to uni with me. He now has a degree in fine art and I couldn't be prouder

No one would say their boyfriend 'came to uni with me' @ArcticSkewer This was clearly 20+ years ago and the poster is proud of her son with an art degree.

ArcticSkewer · 15/08/2022 22:22

ToxicCuntMum · 15/08/2022 22:20

Another cross on the bingo card I reckon

Show quote history

tick tick tick

PinkDaffodil2 · 15/08/2022 22:23

Now you mention it’s a medical degree - they both need to consider his long term earning potential. At oxbridge even with medicine it’s short terms (8 weeks) for the first 3 years and he will be well placed to work in the holidays tutoring, working in GP practices etc.
Things will get more tricky after the first 3 years as he moves on to clinical placements, but she will be graduating about then and once he qualifies he will be 100% employable. You’re not really encouraged but most of us had jobs of some sort for a lot of years 4-6.
He needs to be really clear though that the relationship is over so she has the opportunity to make a decision based on this. Medical students don’t make great co-parents even without it being long distance, and junior doctors who may be placed anywhere in the country are probably worse (but earning more).

BigFatLiar · 15/08/2022 22:24

Go to uni.

I don't know about medicine but after the course dontvthey have to do in hospital training so it could be years before he has a settled schedule for seeing the child.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/08/2022 22:26

you don't think it's a bit 'dropped in there' and possibly slightly relevant, what with medicine being hugely competitive and not something you can just get a place somewhere else to study?

Not sure what your point is. You seem to be contradicting your own point.

I don't see what is 'hilarious', no.
Unless you are being sarcastic.

It's relevant. The degree course is 5 years, not 3. That's why it's dropped in to the thread.

Not 'hilarious' though.

Bunda · 15/08/2022 22:27

Apprenticeships are the answer!

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