18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Or the worst of all worlds

Why all this talk of them moving in together or getting a home together? Surely he wants to break up with her. Then all he needs to do is what so many parents do - co parent. He shouldn't give up his Cambridge offer - it will dwell on his mind for possibly the rest of his life. He should however get a job, support as financially is do-able and make time to go see his child when time permits.

Them now trying to play family unit when he wants no such thing will create a very toxic atmosphere of resentment for all involved.

He should go to uni so he can best support his DC in the long term, just like any other decent parent.

But no setting at uni.

He has responsibilities now so needs to be home every week doing a reasonable share of childcare.

He can work and juggle childcare during the holidays.

(Just like every other parent)

I think your brother should start university and his girlfriend should maybe defer a year. It is unlikely the relationship will survive but both he and the gf will be better placed to financially support a child if they have good qualifications. A Cambridge degree will open doors for your DB. It is possible thoughnot easy, to combine studying with the demands of a small baby. She will need all the help her mother can provide and it would be kind though obviously not obligatory, if your family could do the same.

Dont know why partying auto corrected to setting!

the fact that her mum thinks that her and your mother will raise the baby is so bizarre to me.

He should break up with her, go to uni, live his life

Compassion is going to achieve precisely nothing in this scenario.
Cold hard reality is the kinder option.

He has much better prospects of supporting his GF and baby once he's been to university. Especially if is Oxbridge. It makes no sense financially for both of them to have significantly reduced earning capacity in the future.

He needs to work when he can now to support them the best he can, but ultimately she is deciding to go ahead with this pregnancy. This is her body and her choice. He need to put a logical head on and plan to support them properly longer term.

He'll be finished his degree by the time the baby is 2 1/2.

He needs to look at the longer plan.

I'm another one who thinks he should split up with gf, go to uni He'll be in a better position to support the child.

He must be really bright to have a place at Cambridge. Please encourage him to go, it will be so much better for the baby's long term future.

We have to be sensible here. She's 18 too and it's not as though she's really in the best of places to have a child so she must understand that it's going to be difficult and everyone is going to have to sacrifice. I really do not see it that her wanting to keep the baby should have such a huge influence on the course of his life. People at Oxbridge get jobs off the backs of who they know let alone their mental prowess. Cambridge could very well set him up for life and subsequently his child.

He made the choice when he had sex with her. His choice thereafter is non-existent. Men know this, and yet continue to be baffled when their GF falls pregnant and they don’t get a say in what happens

I think he should absolutely go to uni. No point in throwing away his future on a relationship that might not last. Maybe he shoulld defer for a year but no way should he turn down this great opportunity.,

He should go to university but so should she. And both families supporting them in whatever way they can will give a higher probability of everyone, including the baby, having a happy life. I got 4 As at A level and went to a top 5 uni after giving birth at 17. Ex swanned off to uni and it was much easier for him. I've always been a bit bitter but he's very well off now and does contribute substantially. I too finally got a good career.

Sorry, rambling. He should break up with her if he doesn't see a future but also think about how he will help facilitate her education and the baby's upbringing. Summer jobs during the long Cambridge break, lots of travelling back to help with childcare....etc. If he wants to be a decent human being about this unfortunately university as he pictured it won't be a possibility. If he wants the full uni experience then his girlfriend is going to really struggle to get on her feet.

He needs to break up with her asap. She isn't able to make an informed choice at present. She's basing her decision on a fantasy that will never be.

Of course he should go to uni. Terms are short and holidays are long. He will be able to support the baby much better with a decent degree & associated prospects. His first year will be nearly done before it's even born.

SIL and BIL did this. They managed it fine, BIL worked, studied and came home at the weekends and holidays and SIL, who wasn't ever planning to go to university anyway lived with MIL until DN was around 1 then had a HA property.

I think he needs to break up with her and go to uni. There's no point throwing away his education or even deferring it. Why on earth would you advise him not to go to the uni?
It's very odd the mum expects to look after the baby alongside your mum, don't blame your mum for saying no. I would too. I don't really see what you expected her to say to that.

He should go to uni and pay maintenance. She should either go to uni and her mum mostly raise the baby while she stays at home or at uni halls. Or she may decide to have an abortion which works best really. They should definitely break up so she can decide without him.

If he had a place somewhere silly to study something silly. Then it’s hardly a big deal going to uni later - it’s not like he we lose that opportunity.

Cambridge on the other hand! Well he has to go. And if he doesn’t think he needs to go well he’s clearly hardly that bright which is ironically even more of a reason to go IMO.

And not going - what’s he going to do anyway? Move in and play happy family’s. They won’t make it through. I have a 3 month old and he’s the easiest baby in our nct group by far (bar a few early week dramas) and it’s still fucking stressful juggling everything. It’s pushed DP and Is relationship to real pressure points and we have been together a decade and been through really serious things together including deaths, a mental health breakdown and section, house moves, career changes, financial issues, running a business together etc. Our little boy is the best thing to happen to us but it doesn’t make it easy. I can see how it breaks relationships. It’s testing to say the least.

Hope he makes the right decision.

He should be 100% honest about his feelings with her and break up immediately. He should definitely go to uni. He can support the child (if gf keeps it) but can continue with his life and have amazing opportunities ahead (as can his gf).

I agree with a previous poster that playing happy families for a few years could be terrible if it implodes and they’re both left unqualified and with a young child. Also happy parents make for a happy child, they need to do what they truly want and what will make them happy.

I’d be encouraging him to really think. It’s kinder to end now if that was his intention not fairy stories of living together.
Obviously he has obligations to baby but don’t string her along.
Doing right thing is for the next 18 years. Better to get oxbridge degree and pay proper child support for 15 years. Oxbridge has short terms. Holidays they can share care and him work.
Could he access any support via school.

Argh don't let him give up his uni place! He'll be needing that and will be in a much better place to provide for his child with a degree from Cambridge.

Students are classed as nil income by CMS so he wouldn’t have to pay anything; and last I checked, those Unis don’t approve of term time jobs.

I think I would tell him to enquire about deferring for a year. If it's possible it will give him time to decide what he wants to do, be there when baby is newborn and then potentially go to uni the following year if he decides this is the best long term plan for him and the child.