18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

I'd encourage him to go to university, at Cambridge. Support financially as much as possible, it's really unfortunate but contraception does fail, that can't be helped and it is absolutely his girlfriends choice in keeping the baby but he needs to be realistic about what he can offer her - emotionally and financially.

He doesn't have a say in whether she keeps the baby, but he does have choices. And going to Cambridge will potentially lead to better career prospects, and financial stability and support in the long term.

It's shit all round:(

Her body her choice. That doesn't mean the two of them have to have a pseudo romantic relationship.

He can break up with her - which is hard but FAR BETTER than pretending. She then knows exactly where she stands re any fantasies about them living together etc.

He obviously has to support his child and the mother of his child as much as possible. That does not mean he's in the room for labour and birth. Going to uni - especially oxbridge would help significantly with that. He'll need to figure out how to come back at weekends to help with baby and over holidays he won't be partying, but around more.

If he could postpone though and get a job this year to help save up and be around to do his fathering duties then that may be the easiest.

I agree with another poster about her starting uni too and the childcare there. It may emotionally be a bit much for her, but if she can start it would help her not get lost in nappies etc. And the first term/semester of first year isn't the most taxing anyway. I have an acquaintance who had a baby while at uni and later a second after she'd finished. She talked a lot about the better childcare (cheaper too I remember) for her first.

Ultimately though all you can do is provide info to ensure he makes a well informed decision and support him in whatever that is.

Worth saying that the GF wants him to give up on uni, get a job etc but then she is panicking and that is understandable.

My mum has made it very clear she won’t support “that girl” in any way. Shocking really since she is a Catholic and anti abortion and obviously my DB was having sex outside of marriage. I’m actually not speaking to my DM her attitude is appalling and I think DB may be trying to counteract her by being overly sacrificial.

Wtf? Many 18 year olds make fantastic parents!

He should definitely be carrying on with his university plans

I agree he needs to break up with her. No point trying to make it work and the pressure of the baby and everything else would stress test even the hardest of relationships.

Also re breaking up with her - it's important he does this soon. Like now. If she is harbouring any idea of them playing happy families, which it sounds like she may be, then it's possible it's influencing her desire to keep the baby. It would be horrific for him to end the relationship and her to then realise she is stuck being a single mum and wishes she'd had an abortion.

I think there need to be a frank discussion about how to manage care for the baby, whilst also maintaining the best long term out come for both your brother and his girlfriend.

I don’t think it’s fair if he simply goes off to uni and leaves her with all the caring responsibility. Not only is that unfair it’s also would be an awful start to his relationship with his child.

i think they both need to speak to their prospective unis about what is possible in terms of deferring and/or part time options, looking an alternative courses closer to home and family members need to be explicit about what support they are or are not able/willing to provide in terms of supporting them with the baby.

Tough situation though.

I also agree with this.

Since it’s an Oxbridge offer he should go. His earning potential, and therefore outcomes for his child, will be vastly better when he graduates there.

he will have long holidays and can parent during those

Your brother needs to think long term. Take up his place at Cambridge so he can maximise his earning potential later.

He should look for higher paying Xmas temp roles and summer jobs to help GF financially. He won't be able to have a job during term time (though my brother did by sneaking off once a week to teach an evening class) Tutoring is a good job for Cambridge students and earns well.

He shouldn't stay with girlfriend if he doesn't want to. Better to be decent Co parents than bad partners.

She can do her first year pretty much, then take a year out once she's had baby (if she wants) and then complete. By which time he will be getting closer to graduation.

After that they look to move close enough to Co parent more effectively.

Does the GF have a job? Why is it just on him to provide?

I would advise to defer the year; I would not want him to give up his education, because he’s worked hard for it, but ya know, actions have consequences

OTOH honestly, if a pair of 30 odd year olds got pregnant 6 months into a relationship, it probably wouldn’t last, let alone a pair of teens.

If this was one of my daughters, I’d be advising an abortion or to prepare for being a lone parent on benefits/struggling to juggle University with sleepless nights.

Right

She has every right to keep the baby
She has every right to stay local near her mum
She has every right to decide whether she goes to uni or not

She does not have the right to make those decisions for your brother. Your brothers only actual obligation in this situation is to provide for the baby, this does not mean running into the first crappy full time job he can find. It means looking long term as much as short term, realistically he will never be able to provide enough on a non grad entry (no doubt minimum wage) job. It’s barely enough to support one adult never mind two adults and a baby.

my honest advice on this would be one of these two senarios

• he take the oxbridge offer and GF goes with him, there’s extra student funding for students with children and she could get a part time job whilst he studies, it’s a couple of years for the sake of a good career/salary and ability to provide at the end of it. a better life for them all.
• He take the oxbridge offer and she stays home with her mum (having a baby does not mean he has to provide her with her own house living with parents whilst having kids is unfortunately very common) and your mum/family/brother come up with a reasonable financial support offer. Some of his student loan or maybe a loan from your parents he can pay back once he graduates. Enough to meet his 50% of the baby’s needs and childcare if GF wishes to work. He then commits to traveling home frequent weekends and full weeks during holidays to spend time with the child.

I would not be giving this up a place at Cambridge for this situation. I would be looking to see if you can get a family room or something along those lines at the gf university. They do exist at some unis. Then I'd go from there. Cambridge means life long extra earnings and ease of employment. Not something to give up. If I was the gf regardless of staying together they'd most likely both be better off somehow making the situation where your db goes to university work.

They should both go to university. obviously the mother should take maternity leave but she should start her degree.

Whilst at university they can both get grants as parents and a huge contribution towards childcare costs. You can also claim universal credit on top of your student loans/grants so they actually might find themselves better off than a lot of families in low wage jobs.

I'd encourage him to continue his university plans. He'll be able to offer his child a much better life with an oxbridge degree than without it.

Whether they break up or not is entirely their business and everyone else should keep their noses out of their relationship.

Why in the name of God would you discourage him from going to university?? He’s going to be able to provide a lot better for this kid with a degree.

You sound like the 18 year old - catch yourself on, and back up your mum, or at least stop interfering. Don’t let him throw a bright future away.

They are 18, whether he was planing to split with her now or not, they were never going to last long term. They are far better off facing the future as 2 separate individuals from the start and co-parenting if she does choose to continue the pregnancy.

The GF’s mother sounds like a ridiculous woman who very possibly fancies raising a baby, and has equally possibly persuaded the GF not to fully consider her options.

The GF should also prioritise going to university, although realistically might want to defer. There is pretty good support for young mums, especially at oxbridge/Russell group because they have resources and also it allows them to tick a diversity box.

Where you might do something useful is helping your mum/brother find out how financial support for the baby will work out. As neither parent has an income I am guessing it will be benefits until they both finish their courses and start working, but it will be helpful for everyone to understand the system.

I’d encourage your brother to help his GF see the reality of the situation, and to understand that they will no longer be a couple, and money will be very tight. If she wants to continue the pregnancy, that’s entirely her choice, but she needs to do it without the rose tinted glasses provided by her mother.

But at all costs - he goes to university. It is in absolutely everybody’s best interests.

I think that he should go to uni, but consider it as ‘working away’. He should be home at every opportunity to see his baby and support the mother, and he needs to be sending financial support and saving up, not living the typical student lifestyle.

Getting the education / qualification is a sensible thing to do, but in conceiving a child he has created responsibilities for himself that mean he can’t be out boozing and partying between lectures.

Deferring is a crap idea. Cambridge degrees are 3 years. He should spend the duration of the pregnancy studying and getting on with finishing those three years.
This baby must be due around March? He’ll be finished his first year around May and can spend more time with them over the summer. If anything taking a year out between first and second year would make more sense. But probably cracking on the study with a long term plan of finding a job and settling near enough to see his child regularly is the best idea.

This isn't a likely scenario. Does the local Uni offer the same course? Does it have spaces available through clearing? It's not as if Uni's reserve a few places on each course for locals who've suddenly decided to stay at home to save money on accommodation.

In any case, even if both of the above chances actually worked out, a degree from Cambridge is looked on more favorably by employers that pay higher salaries. He'd be more able to contribute financially towards his child's upbringing. I think he should carry on with his plans for Cambridge, it's the best long-term decision.

I think there is definitely an element of this in her thinking. DB said that when she told him she seemed not exactly pleased but also not upset. He was apparently there when she took the test- she was late and asked DB to go to the chemist for the year. He said he cried in shock and she was initially concerned about her parents reaction but then quite quickly (within the hour) started discussing gender/baby names. Struck me as odd and maybe a shock reaction

He should absolutely go to university.

If DB didn't want a pregnancy he should have been wrapping it up and not relying on the girl to prevent.

Also baffled by @ArcticSkewer in saying 18 year old can't be a good father 🤦🏼‍♀️ having daughters yourself I'd expect you to have compassion. This is not the sole responsibility of the female

Also depending on the Uni course it's entirely possible to have a good career without Uni. Most men I know earn far more without a degree than those with.

I think he should make it clear he doesn't want to be in the relationship but will support the child if she chooses to have it.

Defer uni for a year or two if she has the baby. He's not going to be able to do fatherhood and studying well if doing them both at the same time. He can help with the baby, work a bit, then head to uni as a more mature person and actually make more of the experience.

Could you suggest they both go to the open university whilst working?