18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Your DB needs to get a good degree and he’d be an idiot to turn down a place at Cambridge.

Part of her understanding needs to be financial. They are independent adults. No, parents (as in, grandparents) don't provide the child maintenance. That doesn't happen with 28 year old unemployed fathers. It doesn't happen with 18 year old students either. His contributions will be tiny for absolutely years.

Given the relationship was on such flaky ground anyway, there's little point of them trying to make a go of it for the sake of the baby.

Far better that he goes to uni which will, typically, give him better long term prospects. And he offers as much financial support as he can.

Your DS has alternatives to uni that can still lead to a good career and high salary. There are large companies that take on trainees and apprentices post A level, even funding degrees or equivalent where relevant. I know a number of young people who did this and in their mid twenties are earning around £30k, with a good career path ahead. Might be worth a chat with a careers adviser.

Can she defer for one year and then look at childcare options at uni? My room in halls overlooked the creche.

He needs to go to uni as planned. A father with a degree from cambridge and excellent job prospects is better cor the child and mother than not.

short term pain = long term gain

Sorry, DB

@PlanetNormal
"You describe him as naive. In that case, it’s worth asking a cou of pertinent questions:
1, Is he absolutely sure he’s the father?
2, Is it possible that she suspected he was going to end the relationship when he went to go to uni, and had a conveniently timed contraception ‘failure’? Or, more bluntly, has she tried to trap him?"

This crossed my mind as well...

Tbh I asked him both these things. Their relationship has been, in my eyes rather more her than him. I think he can be criticised for that- she’s chased him for years (they have been in the same friendship group for years) and I think in the end he got with her because he knew she would be sexually active with him. I won’t excuse it and it may be that I’m being overally cynical but that’s my honest read.

I don’t think anyone else could be the father. She is besotted with him. He’s very academic. She’s not. Her university place is at a non-Russell group doing a non-traditional course. I don’t judge her for that but she’s told me she isn’t too fussed by the degree and just wanted the experience. Her older sister recently had a baby and at Easter she was telling me she wanted to be a young mum but I dismissed it and I think it’s unlikely this was planned by her although I guess it’s possible.

i agree my brother should have used a condom. Her use of the pill clearly wasn’t 100%. DB had no clue if she was taking it properly. I don’t think she is upset about this as she could have been. He’s going to speak to her tonight and tells me he will end it. Let’s see if he does.

I think perhaps your DS could speak with an independent counsellor with experience on this subject, so he can make objective decisions that are right for him and also the baby.

It won't do him or his near-ex any good to have the two mums trying to intervene every 5 minutes.

What a nightmare. My 18 year old gets his results on Thursday and cannot wait to head off to Uni in October. I would be devasted if he ended up in this situation. Sorry OP, it's shit.

He needs to break up with her tomorrow and focus on going to University. From what you've said, she may quite like the idea of beinga little family and needs that knocking on the head asap. God knows why an 18 year old planning University wouldn't have an abortion...

I think the existing plans should go ahead. DB should tell his girlfriend he had been intending to split up with her, and go through with it. She deserves all relevant information before deciding to bring a child into the world. DB should go to university as planned and work hard so he can financially support his child in the future. His ex-girlfriend should have an abortion and also go to university as planned, but if she refuses to, as is her choice, then she needs a new plan for how to be single parent for the next 18 years.

In a nutshell, best advice is brutal honesty all around. Focus on cold harsh reality, crush all silly romantic dreams. Actual sight of the pregnancy test, and later a DNA test, might also be wise.

I got pregnant whilst at Uni, ended it with DDs dad as I knew it wasnt a forever relationship and went it alone. It was much easier knowing I would be alone and my parents were supportive. DDs dad finished his degree, moved to our area and after some bumps initially has been a regular feature in DDs life. She sees him weekly and thinks of him more as an Uncle than a parent but there is a positive relationship there.

DDs dad resents contributing financially to her ie he thinks Ill spend the money on myself despite me being a higher earner. But finishing uni meant that if he wasnt a twit that he would have a higher earning potential to provide for DD. Something to tell your brother, if he goes to uni and gets a good job he can provide for his child better in the future.

I went back to uni with the OU once DD was a bit older and have settled into a good career so all is not lost for the mum-to-be either. I know several people who have been in a similar situation and many universitys offer childcare support and even some halls for families.

Tough situation, I’m sorry you face this.

If the GF was on the pill, I don’t think it was unreasonable for your DB to assume she didn’t want a baby. Carrying on with the pregnancy is 100% her choice to make, but it is a change from what was implied. At least he will have learnt a valuable lesson not to rely on others for his contraceptive choices.

I think he should end the relationship asap so she knows where she stands. I think he should make it clear he plans to still do his degree and follow through with that. He should speak to pastoral care at Cambridge and see what they say - he won’t be the first to be a parent at university. He should also start researching what he can apply for finance wise, to support the baby. If the pregnancy continues, it might be worth considering some legal advice, so everyone knows where they stand.

Hope all goes well.

He should go to uni but not be living it large
He should've wrapped it bare minimum, didn't want to date her anymore but still having sex with her 😐🙄
Your mum's views are disgusting and you should be telling her and dB that, have him come stay at yours for a break to clear his head? Could take him for daytrip to Cambridge, speak to student support/course leader about options ? Part time ? He needs to be meeting gf to talk and see whether he wants to continue rship
GF should definitely be going to uni for at least a term then defer/go part-time just to be in the system for childcare, financial assistance etc

www.undergraduate.study.cam.ac.uk/why-cambridge/support/student-parents-and-childcare

Each College has a designated Childcare Contact, who can provide information about childcare, their College’s family accommodation, and financial support available to student parents.

www.gov.uk/parents-learning-allowance

The average salary for a Cambridge graduate within 2 years of graduation is £35k. So, by 23 years old.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle is right.

I can’t believe that some posters are acting like going to Cambridge and getting a degree from the ‘local uni’ are comparable.

His life chances and earning potential will be fundamentally different if he goes to Cambridge, and he should absolutely do it if he can. I think deferring is not a terrible option but also she going to be pregnant for most of the next year so not sure of the value of that?

I would suggest he takes up his place but explores the support available from the university for student fathers. And comes to agreement about how and when he can best help the girlfriend when baby is born / in university holidays (whether it’s childcare or financial support).

I totally agree that if he was planning to break up with her anyway, he needs to do so as soon as possible. Stringing her along is not an option when she's likely basing her choice off a false impression of them having a future together.

He'd be completely insane to give up his place at Cambridge, assuming he gets the grades he needs. Once he's finished university he'll be far better able to support his child financially.

Oh god he just can't turn Oxbridge down! By the time the baby is born, he will have practically completed 1st year. I think a lot of 18 year olds break up when they're going to different unis. She should absolutely go to uni too.

If he doesn't go, he will hold it against baby and gf for ever, whether consciously or not. He will always be dissatisfied, thinking about, "what if".

Having a baby complicates things but he can still be around a lot for his child, and as everyone says, he will be better placed to support it in the future. Yes, they've messed up but they shouldn't let having a baby be an obstacle to either of their plans - just some tweaking, and a serious bit of growing up!

Think it’s also worth saying they deferring is going to be a struggle. He’s got a place to read Medicine. So it’s a longer course and extremely competitive. He can’t simply do it at the local university or part time.

thank you for all the advice. I think you those of you who say go to uni, long term prospects etc are right. I’ve been in a tiz because he’s been so adamant he wants to do the right thing by her but of course he has to do his degree, think of his future and let her make her decisions once he has dumped her.

He needs to go to uni and support as best he can from there. But she needs to know this now.

Surely the crux of this is that he was going to end the relationship.

That in itself is a reason to go to uni and a follow his original plans.

And apart from that, his earning power with only A levels will be far less. Sure, he might get a higher apprenticeship (for example) that can have great prospects, but that's not really the point.

He is trying to do the right thing and is, quite frankly, in shock and it's a knee jerk reaction.

I also wonder if his GF will rethink once the reality of being an 18 yr old mother hits her.

He should also be aware she may sense he was cooling off and is using the pregnancy as a way of keeping him.

Agree 100%.

If she realises asap that her happy families fantasy is never, ever going to happen she is very likely to change her mind about having the baby. Which would be the best outcome for everyone

That's great. I'm glad the 18 year old father of your child really stepped up and was a great parent. Shows not all 18 year old unexpected fathers leave the scene/are a bit useless. There you go, op - a good news story of a happy pair of 18 year olds successfully co-parenting to adulthood.

Just to add- he's being very immature by even thinking about sticking with her if he was going to dump her.

How long would that last? It would be even worse for them both to end it a year from now.

I also think that once he does end it, she may well rethink the pregnancy.

He should go to Cambridge. He needs to be honest with gf and break up with her whilst she can make decisions knowing the full facts about her future. If she then keeps the baby she’ll do it knowing, barring child maintenance, she’s on her own.