To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

[CottonCandy11]

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

[DuchessDarty]

So the ex has a baby and was due to collect her 9 year old this morning and she has not returned to either? Strange behaviour.

Do you live nearby? I'm wondering how come you ended up looking after him when the ex was "just popping out"?

[pictish]

@Sharrowgirl

Everyone more concerned about how to make a point to the feckless ex, than this child’s feelings. Lovely.

She’s taking him home because she has plans. Nothing is happening here. Be less dramatic.

[StoppinBy]

If you know the partner is home, just kindly tell your DSS that you are dropping him off instead of his Mum picking him up then drop him off.

Nothing wrong with doing that, she should have got her backside home on time, she's at fault here 100%, not you or your DH.

[Memyselfandfood]

drop him off. You did her a favour. She’s taking the piss.
let her get up and look after her own kid.
She couldn’t be arsed to come home when she needed too, she’ll have to look after him with a hangover.
no more favours

[icelollycraving]

I feel sorry the kid. Obviously the mum is a shitshow, I’d feel uncomfortable sending home to a step dad who doesn’t want to look after him, and a row that’ll no doubt follow. With a new baby there he may well feel a bit pushed out already. I would have said no last night with her track record.

[Jadecarrot]

Against the grain, but I would take dss on the day out too. But then stick to agreed days only and no favours ever again.

[OddsandSods]

@NWQM

Going to go against the tide abit here as feel for the 9 year old. Her rudeness to you is disgraceful but it is heartbreaking potentially for him. What does he understand already abouy staying the extra night? Who is going to explain why Mum isnt there when he gets him? Your DH needs to think about this and have words with his ex.
No way I would drop a 9 year old I cared about off like this just to make a point to another adult via a 3rd party. Does it reall ruin your day? It changes it I know but Id be making the best of it.

Lay off the dramatics. What is heartbreaking about this? All he knows is he stayed an extra night at his dads and he is now being dropped back to his mums with his sibling and mums partner there. He’s not going back to an empty house.

I think a lot of people are projecting misery where there is none.

[happystory]

She's taking liberties. If you don't take a stand, this will happen again.

[yonce]

Wow, the brass neck! I would 100% be dropping DSS off with his stepdad, and not offering any future favours to his mum. She's taken the p*ss a bit with this one. I wouldn't be changing your planned and paid for day just because she couldn't get her life together.

[Sharrowgirl]

@OddsandSods

He’s 9. He’s a ‘lovely’ kid. He’s being dropped back to his own house which contains his sibling and an adult. Hardly a latchkey kid. He’d probably rather spend a few hours on his x box than hang out with a bunch of toddlers and their mums.

Not sure I agree. OP is annoyed and he no doubt will notice that. He’s then being dropped off to someone who is not expecting him and apparently won’t want him there. So there’s potential for a scene on the doorstep about who ‘has’ to have him. Then he’s in the house with another irritated adult who will apparently have a row with his angry mother about it. And the reason all these people are angry and irritated is his presence.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Let us know how it goes OP.

[lunar1]

I would have a plan in your mind for if you get there and nobody is home. It's not your fault or responsibility but there is every chance she's made up the whole thing you have a night away with her partner and baby.

[3amAndImStillAwake]

All well and good saying no favours ever again, but that wouldn't stop her pulling this sort of thing after his normal time at OP's. He's expecting to go to his mum's this morning, so that's what I'd do.

[OpinionsUnseen]

You’re not unreasonable for being annoyed, but from a 9 year old’s perspective he has 2 step parents who refuse to put themselves out for him in any way. One who won’t have him overnight without his mum there, and the other who prioritises her own child over him and will drop him off with the other one who doesn’t want him around because she doesn’t want him around either.

If you refuse to have him in the future do you really think this will force his mother to step up? It seems more likely that she will just end up being resentful of him which she clearly already is. Either way this child doesn’t really have a great home life on either side does he?

controversial I know but this is IMO why blended families just don’t work.

[Rightsraptor]

No, @Sharrowgirl it is not OP's place to manage the step son's feelings about the adults in his life.

He has 4 significant adults that we know of: his natural parents, his mother's new man and finally OP. In that order. The others do the managing, not OP.

[DuchessDarty]

Yeah I wouldn't drop the boy off with the partner either, because the partner doesn't like looking after him at the best of times. On this occasion, the partner may already be pissed off that the ex didn't come home, leaving him with the baby.

It sucks but I wouldn't want to leave my DSS in a tense situation.

[CrappyJob]

@3amAndImStillAwake

All well and good saying no favours ever again, but that wouldn't stop her pulling this sort of thing after his normal time at OP's. He's expecting to go to his mum's this morning, so that's what I'd do.

Maybe so, but it will stop it from happening when the child's father isn't there, so it would be down to him to deal with it.

[lollipoprainbow]

Yeah he's fine. He's done the odd thing in the past but very very rarely.

What sort of odd thing in the past ?? Not sure I'd be happy dropping the boy off who knows what will happen. Poor little sod.

[Sharrowgirl]

He has 4 significant adults that we know of: his natural parents, his mother's new man and finally OP. In that order. The others do the managing, not OP.

Alright. So what if they’re shit and don’t do the managing - then what?

[Billybagpuss]

I doubt she ever had any intention of collecting early. In all honesty unless you decide to take dss with you, you have no choice but to drop him off. DH needs to message her and say that her alternative is not an option so this is your default.

[southlondonerhere]

His mum is a shit show and I understand why you are annoyed but also, did you know about your DSS existence when you met your DH? I assume you did, so you need to step up, he because your responsibility when you married DH

[Notonthestairs]

"He's done the odd thing in the past"

What is the odd thing the step father has done in the past?

[sheusesmagazines]

This sucks and is so unfair to OP but I don't think I could expose DSS to either a doorstop row about who is meant to have him or his mum and partner rowing later about the situation. He didn't ask for any of this and sometimes situations like this, if they do escalate, really stick in your memory as you grow up.

[BungleandGeorge]

So neither you nor mums partner have parental responsibility. Out of the two of you, only you agreed to look after him so unfortunately I think the responsibility rests with you. Surely the partner is going to work? Your husband should have said no that’s not acceptable when the boys mum rang. What time did she ring? Surely he should have said no and the mum would have been back earlier (presuming it’s not a 4 hour journey back for her!) I’d agree next time just say no

[southlondonerhere]

@Rightsraptor

No, @Sharrowgirl it is not OP's place to manage the step son's feelings about the adults in his life.

He has 4 significant adults that we know of: his natural parents, his mother's new man and finally OP. In that order. The others do the managing, not OP.

OP chose to be a step parent