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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 15/08/2022 08:01

@dogmandu The DSC wasn't included in the OPs plans because he wasn't meant to be there last night or today. How hard is that to comprehend?

God forbid people have a life doing things without their SC for the other 50% of their lives.

BigButtons · 15/08/2022 08:02

I feel sorry for the 9 year old.
yes it’s bloody annoying and the mum sounds rubbish.
His needs to feel safe, secure and loved are the responsibility first of his parents and then of his step parents. But his stability is the responsibility of every adult he has close relationships with.

3amAndImStillAwake · 15/08/2022 08:03

Whilst the OP is being reasonable to be pissed off, I wonder why she didn't include her DSS in her fun arrangements from the start.

Why didn't she include a 9 year old in her plans for a fun day with a 4 year old, on a day where she wasn't expecting the 9 year old to be with her? Should she only do fun things with her child on days when her step child is around?

Rosehugger · 15/08/2022 08:03

Everybody is focussing on her but your dh is enabling this too, he's happily agreed to this then gone off and left you with the problem. It seems like everybody has just got into the habit of expecting you to do the childcare

I agree. It's his son yet he has fucked off to work.

SeasonFinale · 15/08/2022 08:03

dogmandu · 15/08/2022 07:58

Agree 100% . Poor kid. Whilst the OP is being reasonable to be pissed off, I wonder why she didn't include her DSS in her fun arrangements from the start. They are brothers after all, and this is a clear public statement that her own son has priority. Whilst it is understandable that she prioritises her own child in her heart, making it public and in front of the other child, is another matter.
Some of the 'just drop him off - that'll show them!' replies on here make me wonder if these poster are mothers themselves . If so they show a remarkable lack of empathy.

Show quote history

Read the whole thread. She is doing something with her son, for them to spend time together. DSS doesn't even know about it. She does not have to include a step child in every arrangement she makes, especially on days when the DSS wouldn't even be there.

Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 08:04

We do lots of fun things with DSS included but yes I planned this to be a day for me and my son because I do enjoy spending 1:1 time with him (I don't think that's a crime) and I made sure I planned it for a day when DSS was not due to be here.

I'm due to start a new job in Sept when DS goes to school so it's one of my last opportunities in the week to spend some fun time with him.

Anyway, will be setting off shortly (she lives close by) will see what happens I guess

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 15/08/2022 08:04

Good luck!

itsgettingweird · 15/08/2022 08:05

Rosehugger · 15/08/2022 08:03

Everybody is focussing on her but your dh is enabling this too, he's happily agreed to this then gone off and left you with the problem. It seems like everybody has just got into the habit of expecting you to do the childcare

I agree. It's his son yet he has fucked off to work.

Tbf to the dad in this situation he'd left for work a few hours before she changed the plans.

Not much really you can do from a few hours away. It's not like he could even get back for 8.

DangerouslyBored · 15/08/2022 08:06

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:11

She will if she gives a shit about him. Especially when his own mum and her partner seem…..lacking.

Show quote history

I agree with this. The OP does need to manage the poor DSS’s feelings! Yes, the ex is totally out of order and sounds like an irresponsible bell end (poor kid again) but I can’t help feeling sorry for him, knowing he’s not wanted around today. But OP that doesnt mean to say you don’t have a right to 1-1 with your son, absolutely not. I’ve been a step parent (never again!). I’m currently
pregnant with a son and no one will stop me having a mum and son day, just the two of us, but still the DSS situation does need to be handled sensitively for his sake and his sake only. The ex needs a her head giving a wobble.

SpilltheTea · 15/08/2022 08:06

@dogmandu Is she not allowed to do anything with just her son? Lots of parents go on days out with just one of their children, it's great to have some 1-1 time. What's suitable for her 4 year old may bore the shit out of the 9 year old. He'll be absolutely fine with his other sibling and his mum's partner. No need to be so dramatic.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/08/2022 08:07

Best of luck with it @CottonCandy11 !

lollipoprainbow · 15/08/2022 08:09

I agree. It's his son yet he has fucked off to work.

Nice way of putting it Hmm

hopeishere · 15/08/2022 08:10

What is the partner isn't there??

scabbers44 · 15/08/2022 08:10

Yanbu as others have said. His mum made the choice to go out and not be back when she said she should, she has nobody to blame but herself. You aren't her skivvy.

Sciobai · 15/08/2022 08:10

dogmandu · 15/08/2022 07:58

Agree 100% . Poor kid. Whilst the OP is being reasonable to be pissed off, I wonder why she didn't include her DSS in her fun arrangements from the start. They are brothers after all, and this is a clear public statement that her own son has priority. Whilst it is understandable that she prioritises her own child in her heart, making it public and in front of the other child, is another matter.
Some of the 'just drop him off - that'll show them!' replies on here make me wonder if these poster are mothers themselves . If so they show a remarkable lack of empathy.

Show quote history

I don't think it's fair to say that the OP is prioritising her own child. She had made plans for her toddler child on a day that OP/DH were never meant to be responsible for DSS in the first place. The 9yo DSS also probably won't have much interest in an activity suitable for a toddler which is why OP planned to do it on a day she assumed DSS would be with his mum.

Olsi109 · 15/08/2022 08:11

cexuwaleozbu · 15/08/2022 07:24

So both you and her new partner have the same level of relationship with 9yo dss - not your own child, you like him well enough but you prioritise your 1:1 time with your own child.

Both of the 9yoDSS's actual parents are being shitty here though she is being a little worse than your DP because she is prioritising her leisure time over her child's wellbeing but he is prioritising work which marginally more acceptable but still shitty. For all adults, the wellbeing of your kids should be a priority over all else. Both these two are offloading that responsibility. Their first choice is you as you are perceived as more likely to meekly acquiesce. DSSmum's new DP has no greater responsibility for DSS but is perceived as more likely to kick up a fuss.

Yanbu to drop him off - you've already done extra by having the extra night. That's enough. Yanbu that both you and DSSmum's new DP need to refuse to be used in this way again. The kid's parents are letting him down massively but you aren't doing anyone any facours by enabling this shittiness to continue.

Can't see why you've brought OP's DF into the "letting him down" category. He went to work at 4am (maybe if the plans hadn't been agreed he would have sorted last night but plans were agreed they'd have him the extra night if mum picked up at 8 so neither person had to choose) - do you expect him to drive 4 hours back because his shitty mother decided to stay out and not be able to pick her son up as agreed after they'd done her a favour. The only person prioritising anything but their son, and therefore letting him down, is his mother.

Feel sorry for her DP too as he probably expected her to be coming home, not staying out, sounds like she is selfish with everyone. OP I hope you drop him off and show this woman you won't be taken the P out of.

curlycat · 15/08/2022 08:11

@dogmandu @cexuwaleozbu Really? How ridiculous. OP obviously cares for DSS and goes out her way to look after him. A single day out with her own DS doesn't mean shes leaving her DSS out. He doesn't even know she's planned a day out so how can he be missing out. I'm assuming they've done fun things the last 4 days he's been with them.
I have two DC nearly 5 years apart and when they were younger I had separate days out with them. Didn't mean I loved one more than the other. They had different tastes and with the age gap it was good to have one on one time.
They are 22 and 18 now and certainly not a government statistic because I didn't take both of them out together every time I left the door.

ApplesandBunions · 15/08/2022 08:12

itsgettingweird · 15/08/2022 08:05

Tbf to the dad in this situation he'd left for work a few hours before she changed the plans.

Not much really you can do from a few hours away. It's not like he could even get back for 8.

Show quote history

Yeah, a lot of the time these situations are a DH problem as much as a DXP problem, but not so much here.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2022 08:12

So she can't look after either of her children because she's 'out'?

Drop DSS off with the partner. Let him and your DH deal with her. Step WELL back.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/08/2022 08:15

Good luck op. Yanbu to drop dss off.

Yabu to ever agree to do the ex any favours in future....

Bollindger · 15/08/2022 08:15

Go for it.

rosyvalentine · 15/08/2022 08:18

NWQM · 15/08/2022 07:29

Going to go against the tide abit here as feel for the 9 year old. Her rudeness to you is disgraceful but it is heartbreaking potentially for him. What does he understand already abouy staying the extra night? Who is going to explain why Mum isnt there when he gets him? Your DH needs to think about this and have words with his ex.
No way I would drop a 9 year old I cared about off like this just to make a point to another adult via a 3rd party. Does it reall ruin your day? It changes it I know but Id be making the best of it.

I agree with this.

bellabasset · 15/08/2022 08:18

The dss is expecting to go home this morning so he won't be upset. But clearly his dm has a habit of leaving her dp with childcare and couldn't ask him to get himself and the baby up to collect dss as she'd stayed out on a whim.

But she's taken a liberty as she's relying on OP's dh to be available for their ds or expecting OP to do it.

Scepticalwotsits · 15/08/2022 08:19

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

based on some of the other threads on here with step parents the advise for the partner you would be sending the child to would be they are your step child don’t take them in make it your issues.

In reality you are not in the wrong and whether you have something planned or not is irrelevant. You did a favour and have a clear time in order for favour to be carried out.

they broke the deal, drop them off with their partner. However don’t make it an issue to DSS if you can help it you don’t want them to pick up on the vibes.

But in the future I would be reluctant to do any other favours

southlondonerhere · 15/08/2022 08:20

CornishGem1975 · 15/08/2022 07:55

@southlondonerhere Nope. Just because you marry someone with children does not mean they become your responsibility in any way shape or form. Unless you WANT them to be. If you get divorced you have no right whatsoever to see that child again so, no. You are wrong.

I have no idea why you would marry someone that has a child if you didn't want to be a part of that child's life. If you don't want to be a step parent, don't be one, it's not hard is it? No one is forcing anyone to be a step parent. I don't want to be a step parent, I don't want that responsibility, so I don't date people who have kids. Step parents generally know ahead of time that their partner has a child so I have no idea why so many act so put out over it. And that's not to justify this kids own mother being crap, but it's not a case of 'he's not the OPs responsibility' what kind of adult says that? Most people have no issue accepting their partners dog as there own, but for some reason it's different with kids? And no I'm not 'wrong' just because you say I am.