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Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
SalviaOfficinalis · 15/08/2022 08:24

Good luck!

Logoplanter · 15/08/2022 08:26

I'm with the posters saying please be aware of DSS's feelings and handle this sensitively. He is a member of your family and however annoyed you are at his mother he should not be negatively impacted by this situation over which he has no control.

Cheeseandlobster · 15/08/2022 08:28

Good luck op

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 15/08/2022 08:30

Why is it always the DHs fault on here? Ffs. The OP has stated multiple times she offered to have DSS as DH was leaving at 4am. The only twat in this situation is the ex

whumpthereitis · 15/08/2022 08:31

southlondonerhere · 15/08/2022 08:20

I have no idea why you would marry someone that has a child if you didn't want to be a part of that child's life. If you don't want to be a step parent, don't be one, it's not hard is it? No one is forcing anyone to be a step parent. I don't want to be a step parent, I don't want that responsibility, so I don't date people who have kids. Step parents generally know ahead of time that their partner has a child so I have no idea why so many act so put out over it. And that's not to justify this kids own mother being crap, but it's not a case of 'he's not the OPs responsibility' what kind of adult says that? Most people have no issue accepting their partners dog as there own, but for some reason it's different with kids? And no I'm not 'wrong' just because you say I am.

Show quote history

Being part of a child’s life is not the same as being responsible for them. Stepfamilies operate in different ways, there is no hard and fast rule that a woman, or man, has to take on any role beyond that of friendly adult. It may be your preference that they take on a parental role, but that doesn’t oblige anyone else.

And no, choosing to marry someone with children does not confer parental responsibility. That’s not a matter of opinion, that’s legal fact.

YANBU OP

NewYorkLassie · 15/08/2022 08:31

OP there’s no doubt the ex is being selfish and taking advantage. I too would be annoyed in your shoes. But DSS is no more ex’a DP responsibility than he is yours.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 15/08/2022 08:32

NewYorkLassie · 15/08/2022 08:31

OP there’s no doubt the ex is being selfish and taking advantage. I too would be annoyed in your shoes. But DSS is no more ex’a DP responsibility than he is yours.

No, but it's his partner who said she'd be able to collect him and is now going back
on her word.

He needs to take it up with the boys mum, not OP who made it clear she had plans and could only help until a certain time.

I mean, what would happen if OP had to go to work?

PegasusReturns · 15/08/2022 08:33

Yep I’d be dropping the DSS off home.

Not your responsibility, although I might feel differently if this was a regular occurrence.

LumpyandBumps · 15/08/2022 08:35

I feel for the OP, and the 9YO.
I feel most sympathy for the Mum’s current partner.
There is of course nothing wrong with expecting him to look after his own child overnight, although we have no way of knowing whether that was agreed, or she just failed to return.
He could well have had a sleepless night and have been counting the minutes until her return, and it seems likely that that won’t be until late morning.
Now he will also have her child dumped on him and be expected to suck it up just because he is at home.
I don’t disagree with OP returning the child as her time with her 4 YO is precious, but am surprised by how many people seem to be of the opinion that this will somehow inconvenience the Mother.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 15/08/2022 08:36

southlondonerhere · 15/08/2022 07:42

His mum is a shit show and I understand why you are annoyed but also, did you know about your DSS existence when you met your DH? I assume you did, so you need to step up, he because your responsibility when you married DH

No, he didn't. OP has no legal responsibility and she's already 'stepped up' by having him the extra night.

It's always the stepmum's fault for some isn't it?

ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 08:37

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:11

Yeah he's fine. He's done the odd thing in the past but very very rarely. I suspect he's told her she's not dumping DSS on him so she can go out and things in the past so now she never asks him.

Show quote history

"The odd thing"? "Rarely"?

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 08:37

I’m probably alone in this because I know his mum’s been shitty and you’ve planned it for ages but i honestly would just take the DSS with me if it was me. I’d feel guilty leaving kids out. His mum doesn’t seem like she cares much as it is.

Sswhinesthebest · 15/08/2022 08:38

He’ll be ok if you act normally and drop him off as planned.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 08:41

She's really funny about asking him to help with DSS.
But perfectly happy with recruiting her ex's wife.
If her partner is good enough to shack up with her & her child, he is good enough to provide childcare. If he is not good enough to provide childcare, he should not have been moved in with her child.

Maybe he's said no before I don't know. Maybe he'd be angry with her? I don't know.
Maybe you don't need to speculate about this. Maybe it's simply not your problem.

southlondonerhere · 15/08/2022 08:42

@RocketsMagnificent7 where has anyone said it's the step mums fault? In this scenario ofcourse it isn't the step mums fault. But generally, I don't care who is at 'fault', I care how the kid feels

Jellicoe · 15/08/2022 08:45

picklemewalnuts · 15/08/2022 07:10

Are you sure the partner is safe around children?

This is hardly OP’s problem!

Tiani4 · 15/08/2022 08:45

@Scepticalwotsits
It's really bad form to quote the OPs first post the original long one in your reply.

Everyone knows what you're talking about and have read OPs first post ...

ApplesandBunions · 15/08/2022 08:47

LumpyandBumps · 15/08/2022 08:35

I feel for the OP, and the 9YO.
I feel most sympathy for the Mum’s current partner.
There is of course nothing wrong with expecting him to look after his own child overnight, although we have no way of knowing whether that was agreed, or she just failed to return.
He could well have had a sleepless night and have been counting the minutes until her return, and it seems likely that that won’t be until late morning.
Now he will also have her child dumped on him and be expected to suck it up just because he is at home.
I don’t disagree with OP returning the child as her time with her 4 YO is precious, but am surprised by how many people seem to be of the opinion that this will somehow inconvenience the Mother.

I assume people are thinking he'll be pissed off with DSM because of it and have a go, and that she'll evidently be more likely to listen to him given that she's mostly respected his previous refusal to have DSS solo. As her partner he's in more of a position to have influence over her than either OP or DH. It's true though, shit position for him too.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 15/08/2022 08:48

Maybe no legal rights but a judge will take on board relationships and is within his rights to grant contact. People need to be aware of this. Took me 4 years to get exh out of my dc's lives post split.

NothingIsWrong · 15/08/2022 08:48

ReneBumsWombats · 15/08/2022 08:37

"The odd thing"? "Rarely"?

Show quote history

I took this to mean that he was fine around children and he'd done the odd bit of childcare, but not often?

lollipoprainbow · 15/08/2022 08:48

@Jellicoe what sort of attitude is that ??

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 08:49

@Jellicoe

WOW!! I know it’s not ‘’technically’’ her problem but there might be a reason his mum won’t leave her DS with her partner. You would just drop him off regardless without knowing if it’s safe or not because it’s ‘’not your problem’’? 🤯

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 08:49

Brefugee · 15/08/2022 07:10

Do it but I’d be concerned about making your DSS feel unwanted by the adults in his life. You’ll need to manage that.

No. It is his mother being awkward. And it is for her to sort out. OP, make sure he is in the house and ask him to wave from the door if his stepfather is there, just to make sure he's not on his own.

And then tell your DH that's it with favours to his ex from you.

FFS stop with the adult tit-for-tatting.

It's not DSS's fault his mother is a selfish twat who is playing oneupmanship games with OP's time.
It's not DSS's fault his dad has an extra-early start this morning.
It's not his fault that his mother has moved in with a man who is happy to procreate with her, but won't sit with DSS for an evening.

OP married DSS's father. It's her responsibility to manage his feelings around this drop-off. He has done nothing to engender whatever fallout comes from it.

And I'm pretty sure there will be fallout.
Imagine being 9 years old.
Your mum & dad have split. Dad has moved in with a woman who will care for you (but is stressed & angry this morning). Mum has moved in with a man who made a new baby with her - but who won't provide any care for you.
There is no way that DSS is not going to be feeling at best unwanted - at worst, to blame for the adults' rejection & anger today.

ApplesandBunions · 15/08/2022 08:50

Scurryfunge12 · 15/08/2022 08:49

@Jellicoe

WOW!! I know it’s not ‘’technically’’ her problem but there might be a reason his mum won’t leave her DS with her partner. You would just drop him off regardless without knowing if it’s safe or not because it’s ‘’not your problem’’? 🤯

Where are you getting that DSM won't leave DSS with her partner? OP has specifically told us it has happened, albeit rarely. This is a ridiculous level of filling in the gaps.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 15/08/2022 08:50

Agree 100% . Poor kid. Whilst the OP is being reasonable to be pissed off, I wonder why she didn't include her DSS in her fun arrangements from the start. They are brothers after all, and this is a clear public statement that her own son has priority. Whilst it is understandable that she prioritises her own child in her heart, making it public and in front of the other child, is another matter.
Some of the 'just drop him off - that'll show them!' replies on here make me wonder if these poster are mothers themselves . If so they show a remarkable lack of empathy.

Ffs! So OP is never allowed to do anything with just her son? She is allowed to want 1-2-1 time with her own child.

She's also stated her stepson has no idea of her plans today.