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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 15/08/2022 07:44

I feel sorry for the 9 year old. He would have known that he was to go home yesterday but couldn’t because his mum was going out. Is her new baby very young and that’s why her partner couldn’t look after him?
Personally, I’d take him out for the day. I know it spoils your day out and it might feel like she wins but I’d put the child first and let him have some fun. I know he has essentially 4 adults in his life who are there for him in some way but must feel rubbish to know your own mum has gone out for the night instead of wanting to see you.
Your more than entitled to drop him off home but I’d message her to say you’re doing it and I’d probably check that he isn’t just going to sit in on his own. Yes he’s able to look after himself and has a key but not very nice for him to just be all alone.

Lndnmummy · 15/08/2022 07:45

Rightsraptor · 15/08/2022 07:39

No, @Sharrowgirl it is not OP's place to manage the step son's feelings about the adults in his life.

He has 4 significant adults that we know of: his natural parents, his mother's new man and finally OP. In that order. The others do the managing, not OP.

Of course it is. And her responsibility. Not ONLY her responsibility, but it sure is hers. People seem more concerned about point scoring and "showing mum she is no pushover etc". There is a 9 year old boy here. Who, by the sounds of it, is being marginalised as both his parents have started new families. Do not underestimate the impact that's having on this child. Why, as one of the 4 adults would you not go out of your way to make him feel included. Its really cruel.

Electriq · 15/08/2022 07:46

Drop him off home, people are going way too deep on this post.

Hope you have a great day.

Lndnmummy · 15/08/2022 07:46

Yes to what @Hiddenvoice says

WildFlowerBees · 15/08/2022 07:47

I don't think it should be an issue if he has a key and the partner is at home. Dss doesn't need to know anything other than his mum will be home shortly after he arrives.

Give him a big hug, say how lovely it was to see him and see him soon, no angst he won't know any different.

Personally, I'd be taking him with me and having a really good day with him and your dc not what you'd planned but I'd hate to think he'd go home and be in the middle of a shit storm when she gets home if she's annoyed he's been dropped off and left with her partner.

Some parents are shit and should never have kids.

Hiddenvoice · 15/08/2022 07:48

Totally agree with this, rubbish for op but a shame for the child whose parents have both started new families. If he’s aware of what’s happened last night/ today then he must feel really unwanted.

Greensmoothie1 · 15/08/2022 07:49

@CottonCandy11 its nearly 8am, which is the scheduled time. Take your dss back to his mum’s. He even has a key. Watch him get in the house so you know he’s safe and then drive off. He’s 9 not 5 so he’ll be fine, especially as his step dad and sibling are in the house with him!!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 15/08/2022 07:49

@lollipoprainbow I read it as him having done a small amount of childcare in the past, like the odd bit here and there but not a regular thing, not sure if that's the correct take though!

Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:50

Just to add, DSS doesn't know about my planned day out. He doesn't know he's missing out on anything and I don't think would care about being dropped off at home and told his mum would be back shortly.

I'm not going to show him I'm annoyed. He's just got up and I've asked him to get his stuff together and will drop him off about half 8.

I've told DH to tell his mum, I'm not messaging her I'm too mad.

DSS likes his mum's partner, he seems nice to him so again I don't think he'd be a dick to DSS about it. More likely to be annoyed with his mum when she gets home.

OP posts:
Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:50

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 15/08/2022 07:49

@lollipoprainbow I read it as him having done a small amount of childcare in the past, like the odd bit here and there but not a regular thing, not sure if that's the correct take though!

Yeah that's what I meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:52

I'm not planning on going to the door. I'll tell him to wave at the window if her DP is in but I'm not planning on going to the door and discussing it with him. She can let him know

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 15/08/2022 07:53

Btw how do you know the partner is actually there? Surely there’s no way of knowing that. Or would you just drop him off to an empty house regardless? And if partner is there why do you think the mum would be very angry at you dropping him off? I think someone just needs to get in contact with her

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2022 07:55

The number of people making this OP’s problem are baffling if typical.

Hope you and DS have a brilliant day OP. No. More. Favours.

BungleandGeorge · 15/08/2022 07:55

You really can’t just drop a 9 year old without letting the adult know they are now responsible for him. You need to see the partner and know there is someone there.

CornishGem1975 · 15/08/2022 07:55

@southlondonerhere Nope. Just because you marry someone with children does not mean they become your responsibility in any way shape or form. Unless you WANT them to be. If you get divorced you have no right whatsoever to see that child again so, no. You are wrong.

Tiani4 · 15/08/2022 07:56

I second taking him round to his house to drop him off

You need to be sure his mums partner is in though. Before you leave him there. If he is, happy days.

If not are there any of his school friend mums that you know for him? I'd explain and ask them if they could have him and text his mum to pick him up from them.

Absolutely never help her out again in order for her to go out, as she's feckless

only help out in future if if is a medical emergency

I do need to say though you were niaive to say yes when DH says you could say no. She told you she was going out. You know she has form. You expected her to pick up at 8am when you know she has form. You've put your day out with your own DC at risk that you have tickets for because of that naivety

LookItsMeAgain · 15/08/2022 07:56

I am hoping that because the last update from the OP was at 7:25, she is on her way to drop back her DSS.

I think you need to remind your DH that you will no longer facilitate her in relation to childcare of your DSS. HE has to be the one that she inconveniences going forward.

What if, hypothetically, you had someone lined up to mind your DS and you had a personal, private appointment at say 9am that a 9 year old just couldn't and shouldn't be in attendance for?

CombatBarbie · 15/08/2022 07:56

I'd take him to the door OP, just to ensure there's someone there to keep an eye on him.

RedWingBoots · 15/08/2022 07:57

Drop the boy off with his other half-siblings parent.

Then text both his parents you have dropped him off.

They can sort it out between themselves.

His mother can sort out her own childcare issues with her partner.

The 9 year old will be fine. He will learn that other adults are more caring towards him than his own mother. Many kids with separated parents learn that but normally about their own fathers.

BungleandGeorge · 15/08/2022 07:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2022 07:55

The number of people making this OP’s problem are baffling if typical.

Hope you and DS have a brilliant day OP. No. More. Favours.

The issue is that in this case the other adult is also a step parent so why is it more his responsibility? Unfortunately it’s more on OP in this situation as she actually has possession of the child and has agreed to look after them. That makes it her responsibility

MiddleParking · 15/08/2022 07:58

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:41

He has 4 significant adults that we know of: his natural parents, his mother's new man and finally OP. In that order. The others do the managing, not OP.

Alright. So what if they’re shit and don’t do the managing - then what?

Then nothing Confused then that’s the parents he’s got!

dogmandu · 15/08/2022 07:58

cexuwaleozbu · 15/08/2022 07:24

So both you and her new partner have the same level of relationship with 9yo dss - not your own child, you like him well enough but you prioritise your 1:1 time with your own child.

Both of the 9yoDSS's actual parents are being shitty here though she is being a little worse than your DP because she is prioritising her leisure time over her child's wellbeing but he is prioritising work which marginally more acceptable but still shitty. For all adults, the wellbeing of your kids should be a priority over all else. Both these two are offloading that responsibility. Their first choice is you as you are perceived as more likely to meekly acquiesce. DSSmum's new DP has no greater responsibility for DSS but is perceived as more likely to kick up a fuss.

Yanbu to drop him off - you've already done extra by having the extra night. That's enough. Yanbu that both you and DSSmum's new DP need to refuse to be used in this way again. The kid's parents are letting him down massively but you aren't doing anyone any facours by enabling this shittiness to continue.

Agree 100% . Poor kid. Whilst the OP is being reasonable to be pissed off, I wonder why she didn't include her DSS in her fun arrangements from the start. They are brothers after all, and this is a clear public statement that her own son has priority. Whilst it is understandable that she prioritises her own child in her heart, making it public and in front of the other child, is another matter.
Some of the 'just drop him off - that'll show them!' replies on here make me wonder if these poster are mothers themselves . If so they show a remarkable lack of empathy.

MiddleParking · 15/08/2022 07:59

BungleandGeorge · 15/08/2022 07:58

The issue is that in this case the other adult is also a step parent so why is it more his responsibility? Unfortunately it’s more on OP in this situation as she actually has possession of the child and has agreed to look after them. That makes it her responsibility

Show quote history

She agreed to look after him until his mum collected him at 8am. She explicated that she wasn’t willing to look after him after that time. That makes it not her responsibility.

itsgettingweird · 15/08/2022 07:59

She's really funny about asking him to help with DSS. Maybe he's said no before I don't know. Maybe he'd be angry with her? I don't know.

Yet she's happy to expect you to have him last minute Confused

I guess it makes a change from the mums who think SMs are the devil incarnate!

I get why you're annoyed and I get really frustrated at plans changing last minute too.

However if I'm honest I'd have taken the money and taken him with me. Purely on the basis that there's a 9yo boy in the middle of this who is worry will feel unwanted by all adults which is T going to do him any good.

Plus if she won't leave him alone with her DP I'd worry why and be looking to go for full custody.

Sunnyqueen · 15/08/2022 08:00

Yanbu at all. However I wouldn't have said yes in the first place, if she was going out last night the chances of her actually picking him up at 8am were going to be slim to none.