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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:15

I actually do hope it causes an argument between them (probably a bit unreasonable). Maybe then her selfish behaviour will actually have an affect on her instead of everyone else.

OP posts:
Urunbelievable · 15/08/2022 07:15

Drop him off. Don’t lose your day out

Holly60 · 15/08/2022 07:16

I would text her and say, 'hey, I'm heading out at x time. I can either drop him home or you can pick him up. I'll need to leave at x time so if you've not picked him up by then I'm happy to drop him at yours on my way. Let me know what you want to do. See you in a bit x'

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/08/2022 07:16

How bizarre that she has a live in partner with whom she has a baby but somehow can't ask him to look after her other DS. The bullshit some women will accept in their relationships and WTF is wrong with these men.

carefullycourageous · 15/08/2022 07:17

I would not as I would prioritise the child today. But I would refuse to ever change an arrangement again and would say this.

Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:17

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/08/2022 07:14

So she won’t ask her partner but will expect the partner of her ex to care for her child? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Yep!

I've just sort of told myself how involved he is is none of my business it's between them and done what I thought is best from my side of things.

I have always been happy to help when I can, that's what takes the piss. I do my share, I have helped her before. But I don't seem to get the same respect back. In her world it's only her that matters. So long as she can do what she wants then she's happy.

There was one time in the past she told me she was nipping out and could I watch DSS, she'd only be an hour or so. She got back about 8 hours later! Luckily I wasn't doing anything that day but I was pissed off. That was about 3 years ago now but clearly she hasn't changed.

OP posts:
MzHz · 15/08/2022 07:17

Honestly, do it.

pictish · 15/08/2022 07:17

“I'm make sure the boy gets in. Ring the bell and then open the door and hand him over to her partner and be oh so nice about it.”

100% this. Cheerful but firm.

Have a nice day out.

Fairyliz · 15/08/2022 07:19

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:08

Do it but I’d be concerned about making your DSS feel unwanted by the adults in his life. You’ll need to manage that.

Yes another poor little kid with no one in his life who really wants him there.
I expect he will turn into another mixed up teenager with problems but I expect that will be the ‘governments’ fault, most things on MN are.

BruceAndNosh · 15/08/2022 07:19

Holly60 · 15/08/2022 07:16

I would text her and say, 'hey, I'm heading out at x time. I can either drop him home or you can pick him up. I'll need to leave at x time so if you've not picked him up by then I'm happy to drop him at yours on my way. Let me know what you want to do. See you in a bit x'

Far too amenable.
TELL her that you are dropping him off and it's not negotiable

HairyScaryMonster · 15/08/2022 07:19

Just make sure partner is definitely in.

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:21

Everyone more concerned about how to make a point to the feckless ex, than this child’s feelings. Lovely.

OddsandSods · 15/08/2022 07:23

She could’ve got her arse out of bed and back by 8am. She just chose not to. I bet she won’t be back by 11 either.

capedavenger · 15/08/2022 07:24

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

Everybody is focussing on her but your dh is enabling this too, he's happily agreed to this then gone off and left you with the problem. It seems like everybody has just got into the habit of expecting you to do the childcare.

I'd message them both that the agreement was for an 8am drop off which you will be sticking to unless they want to come up with some other plan which doesn't involve you.

Time to start pushing back with them both I think, they're taking you for granted!

Clymene · 15/08/2022 07:24

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:21

Everyone more concerned about how to make a point to the feckless ex, than this child’s feelings. Lovely.

Nope, you just tell him that you're dropping him off at home. He doesn't need to know that his mum said she won't collect him until 11. He's expecting to go to his mum's now.

cexuwaleozbu · 15/08/2022 07:24

So both you and her new partner have the same level of relationship with 9yo dss - not your own child, you like him well enough but you prioritise your 1:1 time with your own child.

Both of the 9yoDSS's actual parents are being shitty here though she is being a little worse than your DP because she is prioritising her leisure time over her child's wellbeing but he is prioritising work which marginally more acceptable but still shitty. For all adults, the wellbeing of your kids should be a priority over all else. Both these two are offloading that responsibility. Their first choice is you as you are perceived as more likely to meekly acquiesce. DSSmum's new DP has no greater responsibility for DSS but is perceived as more likely to kick up a fuss.

Yanbu to drop him off - you've already done extra by having the extra night. That's enough. Yanbu that both you and DSSmum's new DP need to refuse to be used in this way again. The kid's parents are letting him down massively but you aren't doing anyone any facours by enabling this shittiness to continue.

Rascalsandradishes · 15/08/2022 07:24

Take him home. He'll be fine for a couple of hours and you need to stand your ground here. What difference does it make if he's being cared for by you or his mother's partner? Neither are his parents so not sure why it's a case of hurt feelings for him?
Your DS will be missing out if you don't get your mummy and son day as planned.

Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:25

capedavenger · 15/08/2022 07:24

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

Everybody is focussing on her but your dh is enabling this too, he's happily agreed to this then gone off and left you with the problem. It seems like everybody has just got into the habit of expecting you to do the childcare.

I'd message them both that the agreement was for an 8am drop off which you will be sticking to unless they want to come up with some other plan which doesn't involve you.

Time to start pushing back with them both I think, they're taking you for granted!

Tbf to DH, he was happy for me to say no last night. It was me that offered and he was already half way into his journey when she messaged him so there isn't much he can do

OP posts:
Clymene · 15/08/2022 07:26

Yes another poor little kid with no one in his life who really wants him there.
I expect he will turn into another mixed up teenager with problems but I expect that will be the ‘governments’ fault, most things on MN are.

Gosh, that escalated fast

KweenieBeanz · 15/08/2022 07:26

It's a weekday. I bet her baby is off to nursery and she and her partner both have to work and she's trying to save herself a day of holiday club fees by trying to leave DSS with you OP.

OddsandSods · 15/08/2022 07:26

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:21

Everyone more concerned about how to make a point to the feckless ex, than this child’s feelings. Lovely.

He’s 9. He’s a ‘lovely’ kid. He’s being dropped back to his own house which contains his sibling and an adult. Hardly a latchkey kid. He’d probably rather spend a few hours on his x box than hang out with a bunch of toddlers and their mums.

Russell19 · 15/08/2022 07:27

Get your husband to call back and say 8am is non negotiable. Either she picks him up at 8am or you'll drop him off with her partner. Leave the ball in her court then.

You have an issue if the partner is out though...

pictish · 15/08/2022 07:28

Fairyliz · 15/08/2022 07:19

Yes another poor little kid with no one in his life who really wants him there.
I expect he will turn into another mixed up teenager with problems but I expect that will be the ‘governments’ fault, most things on MN are.

Show quote history

Quite a stretch there but if it’s a bit of handwringing you’re after, bash on.

OP sounds a grounded, kind sort to me. She has plans and that is all. Not sure what you mean by the government being held to account. I’ve been here years and haven’t noticed that.

Quia · 15/08/2022 07:28

BruceAndNosh · 15/08/2022 07:19

Far too amenable.
TELL her that you are dropping him off and it's not negotiable

Show quote history

Not sure that texting her is a good idea. Is there a danger that she's tell her partner how mean OP is being (in her eyes) and that he should bolt the door or go out?

NWQM · 15/08/2022 07:29

Going to go against the tide abit here as feel for the 9 year old. Her rudeness to you is disgraceful but it is heartbreaking potentially for him. What does he understand already abouy staying the extra night? Who is going to explain why Mum isnt there when he gets him? Your DH needs to think about this and have words with his ex.
No way I would drop a 9 year old I cared about off like this just to make a point to another adult via a 3rd party. Does it reall ruin your day? It changes it I know but Id be making the best of it.