It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.
He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.
My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).
I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.
My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).
Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.
I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.
But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.
AIBU?
To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?
CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04
Am I being unreasonable?
2878 votes. Final results.
POLLDebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 07:49
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then he’d have been accused of not grabbing the chance to spend more time with his son, shame on the OP for being so open about her resentment of DSS/his mother that DH didn’t dare ask her for the favour, blah blah.
On here there is literally zero way to handle any scenario involving DSCs that won’t end up with at least a proportion of people posting nonconstructive guff like “my heat breaks for those poor kids”.
Personal prejudice doesn’t let individual family dynamics or actual facts get in the way of a chance to project their own unrelated issues onto an OP.
KnockedInn · 17/08/2022 22:01
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
Quia · 17/08/2022 21:46
@KnockedInn, the child's father didn't leave his son to his partner to sort out. He agreed to him staying over with his partner's agreement on the basis that his mother would collect him the following morning, which is a perfectly normal arrangement
Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 16:38
a 9 year old coming home to an empty house? I have a 9 year old. Even if I thought she was the most sensible person on the planet, I wouldn’t want her to come home to an empty house! Do you have children?
MachineBee · 17/08/2022 15:08
Not really. I had a key when I was 9 in case there wasn’t anyone in when I got home from school. For me it was a sign of how much my parents trusted me not to loose it or misbehave when alone at home.
Mybumlooksbig · 16/08/2022 22:24
Yanbu.
But...Am I the only one who thinks it's quite sad that a 9 year old has a key of his own..
KnockedInn · 18/08/2022 14:03
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then the OP would have had no reason to post a problem.
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 07:49
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then he’d have been accused of not grabbing the chance to spend more time with his son, shame on the OP for being so open about her resentment of DSS/his mother that DH didn’t dare ask her for the favour, blah blah.
On here there is literally zero way to handle any scenario involving DSCs that won’t end up with at least a proportion of people posting nonconstructive guff like “my heat breaks for those poor kids”.
Personal prejudice doesn’t let individual family dynamics or actual facts get in the way of a chance to project their own unrelated issues onto an OP.
KnockedInn · 17/08/2022 22:01
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
Quia · 17/08/2022 21:46
@KnockedInn, the child's father didn't leave his son to his partner to sort out. He agreed to him staying over with his partner's agreement on the basis that his mother would collect him the following morning, which is a perfectly normal arrangement
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 16:07
No, but if OP had gone on to use that scenario on another thread as an example of an NRP asserting their boundaries she’d have been subjected to all the usual criticisms I outlined above. My point was that according to some on here anything a step mum does can be twisted into a negative.
KnockedInn · 18/08/2022 14:03
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then the OP would have had no reason to post a problem.
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 07:49
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then he’d have been accused of not grabbing the chance to spend more time with his son, shame on the OP for being so open about her resentment of DSS/his mother that DH didn’t dare ask her for the favour, blah blah.
On here there is literally zero way to handle any scenario involving DSCs that won’t end up with at least a proportion of people posting nonconstructive guff like “my heat breaks for those poor kids”.
Personal prejudice doesn’t let individual family dynamics or actual facts get in the way of a chance to project their own unrelated issues onto an OP.
KnockedInn · 17/08/2022 22:01
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
Quia · 17/08/2022 21:46
@KnockedInn, the child's father didn't leave his son to his partner to sort out. He agreed to him staying over with his partner's agreement on the basis that his mother would collect him the following morning, which is a perfectly normal arrangement
Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 17:32
But she would not needed to have “asserted her boundaries”
in this scenario her DH saw it off before it even reached her
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 16:07
No, but if OP had gone on to use that scenario on another thread as an example of an NRP asserting their boundaries she’d have been subjected to all the usual criticisms I outlined above. My point was that according to some on here anything a step mum does can be twisted into a negative.
KnockedInn · 18/08/2022 14:03
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then the OP would have had no reason to post a problem.
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 07:49
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then he’d have been accused of not grabbing the chance to spend more time with his son, shame on the OP for being so open about her resentment of DSS/his mother that DH didn’t dare ask her for the favour, blah blah.
On here there is literally zero way to handle any scenario involving DSCs that won’t end up with at least a proportion of people posting nonconstructive guff like “my heat breaks for those poor kids”.
Personal prejudice doesn’t let individual family dynamics or actual facts get in the way of a chance to project their own unrelated issues onto an OP.
KnockedInn · 17/08/2022 22:01
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
Quia · 17/08/2022 21:46
@KnockedInn, the child's father didn't leave his son to his partner to sort out. He agreed to him staying over with his partner's agreement on the basis that his mother would collect him the following morning, which is a perfectly normal arrangement
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 16:07
No, but if OP had gone on to use that scenario on another thread as an example of an NRP asserting their boundaries she’d have been subjected to all the usual criticisms I outlined above. My point was that according to some on here anything a step mum does can be twisted into a negative.
KnockedInn · 18/08/2022 14:03
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then the OP would have had no reason to post a problem.
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 07:49
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then he’d have been accused of not grabbing the chance to spend more time with his son, shame on the OP for being so open about her resentment of DSS/his mother that DH didn’t dare ask her for the favour, blah blah.
On here there is literally zero way to handle any scenario involving DSCs that won’t end up with at least a proportion of people posting nonconstructive guff like “my heat breaks for those poor kids”.
Personal prejudice doesn’t let individual family dynamics or actual facts get in the way of a chance to project their own unrelated issues onto an OP.
KnockedInn · 17/08/2022 22:01
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
Quia · 17/08/2022 21:46
@KnockedInn, the child's father didn't leave his son to his partner to sort out. He agreed to him staying over with his partner's agreement on the basis that his mother would collect him the following morning, which is a perfectly normal arrangement
Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 17:32
But she would not needed to have “asserted her boundaries”
in this scenario her DH saw it off before it even reached her
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 16:07
No, but if OP had gone on to use that scenario on another thread as an example of an NRP asserting their boundaries she’d have been subjected to all the usual criticisms I outlined above. My point was that according to some on here anything a step mum does can be twisted into a negative.
KnockedInn · 18/08/2022 14:03
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then the OP would have had no reason to post a problem.
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 07:49
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then he’d have been accused of not grabbing the chance to spend more time with his son, shame on the OP for being so open about her resentment of DSS/his mother that DH didn’t dare ask her for the favour, blah blah.
On here there is literally zero way to handle any scenario involving DSCs that won’t end up with at least a proportion of people posting nonconstructive guff like “my heat breaks for those poor kids”.
Personal prejudice doesn’t let individual family dynamics or actual facts get in the way of a chance to project their own unrelated issues onto an OP.
KnockedInn · 17/08/2022 22:01
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
Quia · 17/08/2022 21:46
@KnockedInn, the child's father didn't leave his son to his partner to sort out. He agreed to him staying over with his partner's agreement on the basis that his mother would collect him the following morning, which is a perfectly normal arrangement
KnockedInn · 18/08/2022 21:08
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
OP would not have gone on to use that scenario on another thread BECAUSE her DH never bothered her with it, so she didn't even know.
Even when you make up what ifs, you're still wrong. It's a head scratcher why you keep going on and on about it.
When DH says NO to ex + He doesn't bother wife with request = Happy household & no threads on mumsnet
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 16:07
No, but if OP had gone on to use that scenario on another thread as an example of an NRP asserting their boundaries she’d have been subjected to all the usual criticisms I outlined above. My point was that according to some on here anything a step mum does can be twisted into a negative.
KnockedInn · 18/08/2022 14:03
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then the OP would have had no reason to post a problem.
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 07:49
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then he’d have been accused of not grabbing the chance to spend more time with his son, shame on the OP for being so open about her resentment of DSS/his mother that DH didn’t dare ask her for the favour, blah blah.
On here there is literally zero way to handle any scenario involving DSCs that won’t end up with at least a proportion of people posting nonconstructive guff like “my heat breaks for those poor kids”.
Personal prejudice doesn’t let individual family dynamics or actual facts get in the way of a chance to project their own unrelated issues onto an OP.
KnockedInn · 17/08/2022 22:01
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
Quia · 17/08/2022 21:46
@KnockedInn, the child's father didn't leave his son to his partner to sort out. He agreed to him staying over with his partner's agreement on the basis that his mother would collect him the following morning, which is a perfectly normal arrangement
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 22:09
How am I going on about anything? I'm just responding to comments on a thread aka a conversation. I'm a step mum with years of lived experience and find it amusing that I'm being pulled up on making up a "what if" when the constant theme used to criticise step mums across this board by people with zero experience of being a step parent themselves is "what if" this was your own child?"
As for "When DH says NO to ex + He doesn't bother wife with request = Happy household & no threads on mumsnet" the OP was clearly happy to volunteer to have her "lovely" stepson for some extra time as long as it didn't impact her pre-booked plans the next day. If I was in her position I'd have been mightily pissed off if my DH had presumed to speak on my behalf unless I'd expressly told him I didn't want to know. Now OP's made her wishes clear, he's at liberty to shut the ex's requests down without any further communication with OP.
KnockedInn · 18/08/2022 21:08
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
OP would not have gone on to use that scenario on another thread BECAUSE her DH never bothered her with it, so she didn't even know.
Even when you make up what ifs, you're still wrong. It's a head scratcher why you keep going on and on about it.
When DH says NO to ex + He doesn't bother wife with request = Happy household & no threads on mumsnet
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 16:07
No, but if OP had gone on to use that scenario on another thread as an example of an NRP asserting their boundaries she’d have been subjected to all the usual criticisms I outlined above. My point was that according to some on here anything a step mum does can be twisted into a negative.
KnockedInn · 18/08/2022 14:03
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then the OP would have had no reason to post a problem.
DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 18/08/2022 07:49
I’m sure if the DH had said an outright no then he’d have been accused of not grabbing the chance to spend more time with his son, shame on the OP for being so open about her resentment of DSS/his mother that DH didn’t dare ask her for the favour, blah blah.
On here there is literally zero way to handle any scenario involving DSCs that won’t end up with at least a proportion of people posting nonconstructive guff like “my heat breaks for those poor kids”.
Personal prejudice doesn’t let individual family dynamics or actual facts get in the way of a chance to project their own unrelated issues onto an OP.
KnockedInn · 17/08/2022 22:01
I'm aware. But in the case of his ex's character, he knows full well her word is crap. He would have been handling it had he told her NO and never bothered his wife with the request in the first place. By taking that chance of something going wrong, and then leaving, he left the potential mess, his ex would make, to be cleaned up by his wife.
Quia · 17/08/2022 21:46
@KnockedInn, the child's father didn't leave his son to his partner to sort out. He agreed to him staying over with his partner's agreement on the basis that his mother would collect him the following morning, which is a perfectly normal arrangement
Flowerpower2022 · 19/08/2022 07:57
Sorry I think all four adults involved with this 9 year old need to sit down and figure out how you can prioritise him. None of you is doing that. All of you have more important things to do than looking after and thinking about him.
Flowerpower2022 · 19/08/2022 07:57
Sorry I think all four adults involved with this 9 year old need to sit down and figure out how you can prioritise him. None of you is doing that. All of you have more important things to do than looking after and thinking about him.
Yousee · 19/08/2022 09:04
I'd not be sitting down to discuss how I could prioritise a step child. Who would be prioritising my child if everyone was so focused on his brother?
No, his own mother can learn to prioritise her son, and the DH can continue as he is balancing both his childrens needs.
Flowerpower2022 · 19/08/2022 07:57
Sorry I think all four adults involved with this 9 year old need to sit down and figure out how you can prioritise him. None of you is doing that. All of you have more important things to do than looking after and thinking about him.
Liz1tummypain · 19/08/2022 12:19
this is why we get these threads .
Yousee · 19/08/2022 09:04
I'd not be sitting down to discuss how I could prioritise a step child. Who would be prioritising my child if everyone was so focused on his brother?
No, his own mother can learn to prioritise her son, and the DH can continue as he is balancing both his childrens needs.
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Liz1tummypain · 19/08/2022 12:19
this is why we get these threads .
Yousee · 19/08/2022 09:04
I'd not be sitting down to discuss how I could prioritise a step child. Who would be prioritising my child if everyone was so focused on his brother?
No, his own mother can learn to prioritise her son, and the DH can continue as he is balancing both his childrens needs.
Yousee · 19/08/2022 12:31
I'd rather see thread after thread about some woman or other freaking out that another woman wasn't prioritising her child than for SMs children to be placed at the bottom of the pile, even by their own mothers. 🤷♀️
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