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AIBU?

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Original poster

Going back to work 2 weeks after birth?

224 replies

Jacklinjane · 14/08/2022 10:46

I'm 34 and have one child who is coming up to 21 months. LO has a disability and his dad gave up work to take care of him while I returned to my job 3 weeks after having a caesarian section. I work in IT so it's not a physical job. I expressed at work and had a little fridge beside my desk and everything worked.
The plan with the next one is to do the same but after speaking with GP today she's said I'll likely need another section. So I've started making preparations for this and my friend yesterday told me she thinks I'm not being fair on new baby or LO1 by going back to work that soon.
For context, I get a basic wage but I get huge bonuses every month that are almost triple my basic wage. Maternity doesn't scratch what I earn and what my mortgage costs.
My husband would be going back after 2 weeks if he was the one working so why is it not fair that I am? My work are accomodating and no one even minded the loud humming of my breast pump for so many hours in the day! If I'm physically able to go back, why should it matter?

OP posts:
snowmanshoes · 14/08/2022 15:28

I had a prem baby - emergency c section and went back to work after 18 days - office job and could take rest breaks when needed and short hours (4.5) but 5 days a week - doable but not ideal I’d say.

Goldbar · 14/08/2022 15:29

Sure - just leave it under a bridge. Why bother having kids? How depressing.

I wonder if anyone says this to dads who only take 2 weeks off?

luxxlisbon · 14/08/2022 15:29

@Revolvingwhore Sure - just leave it under a bridge. Why bother having kids? How depressing.

Proof that it is actually women wanting to chain women to the kitchen.

snowmanshoes · 14/08/2022 15:29

Sorry let me correct myself - it was 3 days a week for 4 weeks then 5 days

Revolvingwhore · 14/08/2022 15:30

Should she be proud of her lack of maternal instinct then? Sorry, perhaps I should be more progressive and celebrate babies being dumped they have come out.

snowmanshoes · 14/08/2022 15:30

Some women are so rude to other women. Needs must situation sometimes

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 15:31

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:26

Sallyh87 The key is in the word ‘optimises’.

Pollypockets- I have worked with many kinship carers who have had babies from birth. The children still have attachment issues despite having a primary carer.

I appreciate what I am saying is not what people want to hear but that doesn’t change the fact that babies thrive BEST when with their mother, ideally being breast fed.

That doesn’t mean that all children who don’t experience that start do badly, it is what is statistically shown to have the BEST outcomes for babies.

Do you honestly not see the difference between kinship/SGO and F2A?

Christ alive

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 15:32

Revolvingwhore · 14/08/2022 15:30

Should she be proud of her lack of maternal instinct then? Sorry, perhaps I should be more progressive and celebrate babies being dumped they have come out.

Babies being dumped?

Who is doing that?

Do you think fathers are dumping their babies when they go back after 2 weeks?

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/08/2022 15:32

@Revolvingwhore

Sure - just leave it under a bridge. Why bother having kids? How depressing

Do you say that to Dads?

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/08/2022 15:34

Revolvingwhore · 14/08/2022 15:30

Should she be proud of her lack of maternal instinct then? Sorry, perhaps I should be more progressive and celebrate babies being dumped they have come out.

Baby is not being dumped. Dad is caring for baby as the SAHP.

But you know that.

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:35

In both situations the child is removed from the mother.

I was a long term foster career and I could never repair the broken attachment with the mother.

Two of my foster sons were adopted from foster placement from birth- they still had attachment issues- despite being in a great home with a mother who was there 24/7. Birth mother had no additions issues.

if it was that easy we wouldn’t have failed adoptions and adoptive parents struggling.

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:35

Sorry foster sons siblings.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/08/2022 15:35

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:26

Sallyh87 The key is in the word ‘optimises’.

Pollypockets- I have worked with many kinship carers who have had babies from birth. The children still have attachment issues despite having a primary carer.

I appreciate what I am saying is not what people want to hear but that doesn’t change the fact that babies thrive BEST when with their mother, ideally being breast fed.

That doesn’t mean that all children who don’t experience that start do badly, it is what is statistically shown to have the BEST outcomes for babies.

Do you have the studies?

sunsoutmumsout · 14/08/2022 15:36

@Janedoe82

What about same sex men then that have a baby by a surrogate? Are you saying those children don't thrive?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/08/2022 15:36

Revolvingwhore · 14/08/2022 15:30

Should she be proud of her lack of maternal instinct then? Sorry, perhaps I should be more progressive and celebrate babies being dumped they have come out.

How is it a lack of maternal instinct when she'll be with the baby bar the time at work?

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 15:37

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:35

In both situations the child is removed from the mother.

I was a long term foster career and I could never repair the broken attachment with the mother.

Two of my foster sons were adopted from foster placement from birth- they still had attachment issues- despite being in a great home with a mother who was there 24/7. Birth mother had no additions issues.

if it was that easy we wouldn’t have failed adoptions and adoptive parents struggling.

I was a long term foster career and I could never repair the broken attachment with the mother. - well of course not, as the attachment was broken. The attachment in the OPs case isn't being broken by the child moving into care. A primary attachment is still going to form with the SAHD and then to the OP in the secondary attachment phase.

Two of my foster sons were adopted from foster placement from birth- they still had attachment issues- despite being in a great home with a mother who was there 24/7. Birth mother had no additions issues. - well yes, because they had a broken attachment when moving from foster care to a different home.

You really have no clue.

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:37

sunsoutmumsout At no point have I said that children don’t ‘thrive’- I am saying that babies do BEST when with their mother for ideally longer than two weeks.

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:38

No- they went straight to the adoptive parents.

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/08/2022 15:38

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:37

sunsoutmumsout At no point have I said that children don’t ‘thrive’- I am saying that babies do BEST when with their mother for ideally longer than two weeks.

It doesn't have to be the mother. It just needs to be a consistent primary carer

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:42

It should ideally be the mother as she is the only one who can breastfeed.
If that option is available that is the one to take.

PollyRockets · 14/08/2022 15:42

Janedoe82 · 14/08/2022 15:37

sunsoutmumsout At no point have I said that children don’t ‘thrive’- I am saying that babies do BEST when with their mother for ideally longer than two weeks.

Again, where is your studies to back this up

Spitz and Robertson they even found that - "It should be noted that, within a certain time range and within certain contexts, separating an infant from the mother does not irrevocably damage the infant. It should also be noted that infants frequently have access to other caregivers, such as the father, who can also provide the infant with both the bonding relationship and the sensory stimulation required for normal development."

Bowlby and ainsworth followed this up by showing that attachments to primary care givers are the important part, not the sex of said primary care giver

InChocolateWeTrust · 14/08/2022 15:42

It's your choice but personally I think there is a biological reality that babies are grown and born by women and have evolved on the basis that women are the primary caregiver in the earliest months (not to mention pregnancy and childbirth has impacts on your body that take time to recover from). In countries with very short maternity leaves like the US in reality many women simply dont return to the workforce as most people can't cope with leaving their baby with someone at that age. If you can handle it then ok but your baby has spent 9 months feeling your heart beat and will respond to you like no one else.

calmlakes · 14/08/2022 15:43

sunsoutmumsout · 14/08/2022 15:36

@Janedoe82

What about same sex men then that have a baby by a surrogate? Are you saying those children don't thrive?

We as a society absolutely are not giving these children the best start in life.
Also true for all other combinations of sex/sexuality who use surrogates.

Simonjt · 14/08/2022 15:44

Just remember that unpleasentness nearly always comes from a place of insecurity. People need to make others feel bad in an attempt to mask the things they are lacking in their own lives.

OP do whatever works best for you and your family, it doesn’t matter how other families function.

Topgub · 14/08/2022 15:44

@MissMaple82

Which did your babies dad choose?